To Love a King (Court of Annwyn) (3 page)

It was only when Felan left the coffee shop that Jacqui let herself breathe fully, instead of the tight, half-panicked breaths she had been taking. Just because he wasn’t watching her didn’t mean he wasn’t aware of her and that he wasn’t listening to everything that was going on. She knew him too well.
Had
known him too well.

And she wanted nothing to do with him, so why had she told him to come back at five? The words had fallen out of her mouth before she could think them through.

She shook her head and squirted whipped cream on the coffee she was making. The whole time they’d been together, he’d flitted in and out of her life. A year of never knowing when he was going to be around and when he was leaving. At eighteen, it had been exciting.

At nineteen, she’d tried to pretend he could be normal and they could be a family.

Now she looked back and wondered how she could have ever been so gullible.

Ash nudged her. “You know him?”

Jacqui just nodded. She didn’t want to talk about it anymore. She just wanted him to go away so she could get on with her life.

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“I did. He’s trouble.”

“But you’re thinking about him.”

Jacqui looked up. “I’m reminding myself why it was a good thing we went our separate ways.”

Ash raised one eyebrow and didn’t look convinced.

And while Jacqui knew their breakup, which hurt at the time, was probably a good thing, it didn’t stop her from wondering why he’d come back now and why he was suddenly so interested in finding out the truth. From what she knew of fairies, they thought themselves always right. Was it possible he’d changed?

“Getting back with the ex never ends well…how about I take him off your hands?” Ash grinned.

The idea of Felan with someone else pressed on the jealousy she thought she’d left far behind. The old fear that she wasn’t enough to hold his attention, that when he wasn’t with her, he was with someone else, bubbled back up. He’d been away seven years—what did she think he had been doing? He had probably been off cavorting in Annwyn with lots of beautiful fairies. He hadn’t come back here to hook back up with her. No, all he wanted were some answers. That, she could give him.

“You don’t want to get mixed up with his kind.”

“Crime?” Ash lowered her voice as if Felan had possibly planted a bug and was now listening to every word.

She realized she was dangerously close to revealing how delicate her hold on what people perceived as reality was.
No, he’s not a crime boss; he’s the Prince of Annwyn, you know, the Underworld. Heaven, Hell, and all of that.

She wished he’d never told her the truth, that he’d let her drift along in ignorance. At least then her recovery would have been simple, not complicated by things that shouldn’t exist.

Jacqui glanced at Ash. It was just simpler to agree. “All kinds.”

“So you agreed to see him after work because…?”

“Because he owes me.” And she owed him. This was the conversation they should have had years ago. He should have been with her in the hospital, instead of being given the brush-off by her mother.

“Should I call the cops if you don’t come home?”

Jacqui smiled. If she didn’t come home, there was nothing anyone could do for her. Still, it was nice that someone cared if she vanished. “Give me a few hours with him.”

“Is he why you moved from Chicago?”

She bit the inside of her lip and didn’t answer.

Ash put her hand on her arm. “Are you sure this is a good idea? He’s tracked you down. He must want something from you.”

“He won’t hurt me.” She wouldn’t let him hurt her again. There was nothing she could give him that he hadn’t already had and thrown away. But Ash had reinforced the nagging question of what he wanted. There was more to it than finding out what had happened to their baby. She hadn’t spoken about it to anyone in so long, but he had the right to know. Maybe that was all he wanted, peace of mind that he couldn’t have done anything different. She knew now that it wasn’t her fault either. It was just one of those unfortunate things.

While it wasn’t his fault, what had happened, it was his fault that he wasn’t there to grieve with her and stop her from falling apart. It was his fault she saw things she shouldn’t. When she saw him after work, she’d make him explain what he’d done to her and take it back. Then, she could go back to being normal instead of pretending to be normal.

***

The street was busy with people enjoying the warm weather. It was nice to feel the sun on his skin instead of the chill of Annwyn, but even here he could feel the cold as if it were part of him. No one was paying any attention to him as he walked by. It had been a long time since he’d felt his heart thump with excitement instead of warning.

He was used to living dangerously, but he’d forgotten what it was like to be in the mortal world, doing simple things, not worrying about Annwyn falling down around him. He knew he couldn’t ignore it forever, or even for very long. But for the next few hours, he would. Felan pushed up his shirtsleeve and checked his watch. He had a couple of hours to kill.

He hadn’t let himself plan beyond seeing her and getting her to acknowledge he existed. That part had been surprisingly easy—although not entirely painless. Now he needed to work out what his next step was. Which meant he had to decide if this was just a chance to clean wounds and let the past heal in peace, or a chance to resurrect and resuscitate what had once been between them. And the whole time, he had to consider Annwyn and the mortal world.

Sometimes what was best for the two worlds wasn’t what was best for him. He understood that now. Before, he’d thought he could have it all, which had resulted in him losing everything. He walked around shops, aimlessly looking at things he didn’t need while at the same time assessing every woman he passed. None of them made his pulse quicken. He didn’t want anyone else. He wasn’t ready to move on.

Yet he knew if Jacqui really didn’t want him, he couldn’t drag her to Annwyn. He’d have to find someone else. Within two weeks. Plenty of people had married for business and eventually found happiness.

Happiness wasn’t love. Nothing could substitute love, and while his father believed he didn’t have the luxury of love as King, Felan believed differently. Love wasn’t a luxury; it was an essential. He stopped at a flower shop. She’d given him a chance, and he wasn’t going to let it go to waste. The fate of two worlds hung on what happened next.

It was times like these he envied his changeling son. Caspian only had to worry about his life, not the lives of billions.

***

At a quarter to five, Felan waited outside the coffee shop. He took a table on the sidewalk and placed the flowers down. They were probably not the right gesture, but he appreciated that she was seeing him. He was also watching everyone around him very closely. He’d spent the afternoon making sure he wasn’t being followed by any fairies—including those who had been banished or exiled from Court. Just because he knew Sulia was moving against him didn’t mean he knew everyone who was on her side, or those who pretended to be on her side. Being seen with Jacqui would only draw unwanted and dangerous attention to her—the same as it had always been.

He raked his fingers through his hair. Everything he did was a risk to someone or something. It would be nice to make a simple decision once in a while. He’d spent longer than necessary picking the damn flowers because he was worried about the message they’d give her. He couldn’t even work out what to say to her. What had been very little time for him had been years for her. And yet, the flicker in her eyes when she’d seen him was enough for him to know that there was something there—something other than fear and hate, but they had been there too. He didn’t like that he’d been the cause.

She came out of the shop, a bright turquoise handbag slung over her shoulder. “Not here,” Jacqui said with barely a glance at him. Then, she walked past him without pausing.

Felan grabbed the flowers and followed, not wanting to give her any opportunity to walk away—not yet, anyway. But he’d already reconciled that he might have to let her go. She might have changed too much; he might have changed. The ashes might be too cold.

She stopped at a bench facing the ocean and sat down. The noise of the waves rolling against the sand curdled his blood. No doubt she’d picked this place deliberately, instead of walking inland. Reluctantly, he sat too. He’d have preferred to keep walking.

“These are for you. To thank you for seeing me.”
Tread
carefully.
The ice he was on was as delicate as the ice forming at the edge of the river of damned souls. If he fell in, it would be no less dangerous.

People walked by, paying them little regard. Here, they were just another couple. It was reassuring that he wasn’t the only man to ever have to try and win his lover’s heart back. As soon as he thought this, he knew that was what he wanted to do. Since meeting Jacqui, he’d never wanted anyone but her. But unlike his plots and games at Court, he really had no idea where to start or even how to play. He was going to have to throw everything he had at getting her to at least smile at him and agree to see him again. The alternative was really unattractive.

Jacqui looked at the flowers, then him. Her gaze was wary, as if she expected a trick of some kind.

He tried not to fidget under her scrutiny. He didn’t feel like a Prince when she looked at him. He felt like he should be on his knees, apologizing for not being there when she’d obviously needed him. Apologizing didn’t happen in Annwyn, as that would mean admitting to being wrong in the first place. “They are still your favorite?”

“Yes.” She smiled, the tiniest curve of the corner of her lips. She took them from him and placed the bouquet between them on the bench. Then she watched him carefully, clearly expecting him to go first.

At least she hadn’t thrown the flowers at him. He took that as a good sign. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his thighs. He’d had plenty of time to think about what to say, the things he should’ve said that day, things he should’ve done differently. He decided to go with the simple truth. “I got called away. I lost track of time in this world.”

From the corner of his eye he saw her nod. He’d used the same lines so many times before. She knew what was a few hours there could be days here, weeks at worst.

“That’s not an apology.”

Maybe not but it was the truth, and he wasn’t sure how to apologize for something he couldn’t have avoided. What he should’ve done was take her with him, but she probably didn’t want to hear that. “I’m not sure I’m ready to give one. I was doing my job.”

Jacqui turned, one leg resting on the bench, her knee jutting toward him. “You were gone eight weeks, Felan. In those eight weeks, my life as I’d known it ended.”

He got that, he really did, because the life he’d hoped to have with her had been destroyed, but telling her that now wasn’t the right move either. Not when he still didn’t understand the reason why. “What is ectopic?”

She pressed her lips together and stared at him before answering. “How can you know so much about some things and yet be so oblivious about others?”

“It’s not a word I’ve come across in my interaction with the mortal world.” There were plenty of things he didn’t understand, but he tried to keep a grasp on the basics. How could he judge souls when he became the King of Annwyn if he didn’t understand the life they’d led?

“The baby was growing in my fallopian tube—you know what they are?”

He closed his eyes. He knew, and he could also figure out the rest. If he’d known back then… Instead, he’d thought the worst of Jacqui’s mother—and Jacqui. Mrs. Ara had let that happen. She’d have done anything to get him away from Jacqui. No doubt his mother would’ve approved of that power play—he should’ve seen it coming, instead of believing that mortals weren’t as conniving as fairies.

“I was hoping you’d come back soon, so we could tell my parents together. I waited and waited. They worked it out when I passed out and started hemorrhaging. They were less than thrilled.”

“I can imagine.” Mrs. Ara would’ve hated Jacqui being pregnant by him.

“Maybe I should have listened to them.”

He flinched at the sharp tone of her voice. “I thought your mother…” He couldn’t even say it.

Jacqui drew in a sharp breath. “Had forced me to terminate?”

Felan nodded.

She shook her head, her disbelief etched on her face. “No. I would never have done that. Did you really think I had?”

“I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what was wrong with you, but I knew something wasn’t right. Why didn’t you say something?”

“Why didn’t you stay?”

He closed his eyes. He’d barely been able to hold himself together. Jacqui had needed him to stay, and he’d let himself be swallowed up by his own concerns. He knew then what he should be apologizing for and what she needed to hear. However, it still took a few moments for the words to form, as they were so foreign on his tongue. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.” He opened his eyes and looked at her. “You know I wanted to be there to tell them.”

Jacqui shrugged and shook her head. “Really? You were always taking off with no notice for unspecified amounts of time, to God knows where.”

“I was in Annwyn.” It sounded like a lame excuse even as he said it.

She went on as if he hadn’t spoken. “Then you’d come back and expect to pick up where we’d left off. You should have seen the look on your face when you realized I wasn’t pregnant. I’ll never forget it.”

“Babies are precious. It is so difficult for a fairy to have a child, even with a human.” He’d been shocked, gutted. That had been the lowest point of his long life. He’d barely walked away before crumbling. It had taken hours to pull himself together enough to go back to Annwyn. He hadn’t been able to let anyone see how shattered he was, so he’d kept it to himself all the pain and disappointment, the broken trust and lost love. He’d been tempted to go back to her, but the situation in Annwyn had worsened—looking back, he knew it had been deliberate—and then it had become too hard to even look at her in the mirror. Those memories were still sharp.