To Love a Way of Life (11 page)

“He has to be honest with you. He can’t hide a daughter.”

“He’s not hiding her, it just hasn’t come up,” Emma said. “I’m sure he’ll tell me when he’s comfortable.”

“How can he expect you to take this when he hasn’t been upfront since the start?” She said. “Maybe you don’t want to date a man with a daughter.”

“I wasn’t sure at the start, but now it doesn’t bother me.”

“It should bother you.”

“He’ll tell me, that’s all that’s bothered me,” she said. “That he hasn’t told me. But it’s kind of a big deal.”

“Yes, it’s a huge deal and he should be up front,” Sandra said.

“Why would he tell me if it wasn’t going to work out, it exposes Maia.”

“He doesn’t have to tell her, he should tell you.”

“He will tell me, I know it.”

“Yes, I think he will, but will it be too late?”

“Too late for what?” Emma asked.

Emma was wondering where Sandra was going with this. Her face had taken on that look she got when she meant business. It was a rare sight, but when it took hold it meant things could be tough.

“You want to start a family, that was our last conversation.”

“Yes—“ Emma couldn’t say anymore.

“Now do you want to start a family with a man who already has a family?”

“We’re not living in the seventies anymore. This is normal, for lots of people, and families.”

“You’re not lots of people,” Sandra said. “Everyone is different, you’re your own person. Are you ok with this?”

“I think so.”

“You need to know. You can’t waste years with a man who’s not right for you.”

“Why would they be wasted?” Emma asked.

“If you want children you have to think practically. You don’t have forever.”

“I do have time with Patrick,” Emma said.

“You don’t have forever, Emma.”

“It’s not forever, we’ve just started seeing each other. I like him, I see him—“

“As a father, which he already is. Does he want to be a father a second time round?”

“I’ll find out.”

“It’s better you find out soon, these things are important.”

Emma was starting to doubt herself. Sandra was being harsh and she knew she had her best interest at heart. They both had friends who wanted kids but time was passing them by. Six months ago Emma hadn’t even thought of kids. Well, she had, but back then she decided it wasn’t something to think about yet. Now it was. Now it was time to put her mind to the issue.

She even hated herself for that, thinking of kids as an ‘issue.’ It felt so cold. When she walked Anthony in the buggy with her mother she didn’t look at the toddler as some real life practicality. That wasn’t what any of this was to her. Of course kids were a big deal, and having one shouldn’t be taken lightly. But having a child shouldn’t be some act of cold calculation. It was an act of love, and life, and wanting a future, and a family.

Emma thought of her future with Patrick. Could she really care for a girl who was already half grown up? Would Patrick expect her to care for his daughter? She had a mother already, she wouldn’t be looking for another. She might even hate the idea. She might hate Emma.

Emma didn’t want to cause strife or struggle between a father and his love for his daughter, or a daughter’s love for her father. And if she did have kids how would they all get on, how would two step siblings that didn’t see each other year round get on?

Emma pushed her plate away from her, she wasn’t hungry any more. The freedom she had earlier, after her talk with Patrick was gone. She had expected Sandra to clear her mind, not cloud it again.

“You’ve been a big help, Sandra,” she said.

“I don’t want you running away with yourself,” Sandra said. “These are real things you have to think about. Kids aren’t all light-heartedness and joy.”

“I know,” Emma said. “I guess I was caught up in a dream.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Sandra said. “But sometimes you have to be real.”

Emma pulled the plate back and forced herself to eat some more. She knew she was hungry, and if she took those first few, tough bites she’d be delighted with the picnic Patrick packed. As she was making a little open sandwich with the salad leaves and freshly boiled ham she heard a screech. Looking over her shoulder she saw someone covered in mud atop a mountain bike.

“Hey, Emma!” He called out.

“Peter, is that you?” She asked.

He took off his sunglasses and wiped his muck spattered face on his sleeve.

“You didn’t need to set up an entire picnic for me.”

“We have loads, join us and help yourself.” She saw the look on Sandra’s face. He was a little young for her but that never stopped her before. “He’s married,” Emma said.

“Daniel’s at a market three towns over. He sent me up here to burn off some pounds.”

“I’ve never mountain biked before,” Emma said. “I usually stick to roads.”

“Do you have a road bike?” Peter asked.

“No, a hybrid.”

“I have an old road racer in the shed,” Peter said. “And I have my own as well. I can fix it up if you’d join me for a cycle.”

He sat himself down at the table and Emma placed a plate in front of him. There was still plenty of food resting in the centre of the table.

“I’m not sure I can handle the hills here,” Emma said.

“We can take an easy route at first,” he said. “And of course it’s not a cycle without a stop for a coffee and cake.”

“Do you think Patrick would join us?” Emma asked.

“I don’t know if he can cycle,” Peter said. “Anyway, I wanted to cycle with you, not him. He’d focus too much on the road. I bet you’d be up for a chat. And a second stop for cake if necessary.”

“You really like your cake.”

“It’s not a proper day out with cake,” he said. “There was a cycling club here for a few years and they only ever ate those energy gels, it was no fun.”

“Does Daniel ever join you?” Emma asked.

“No, he can stay behind with Patrick,” he said. “Leave them with a tractor catalogue and they’d be happy out.”

Emma laughed, it seemed Peter had a hankering for a bit more than just the country-farming life.

“Do you think Ballyhane is a good place to raise kids?” Sandra asked.

Emma shot her a cold look. She knew she was trying to bring up Patrick’s child and Emma’s plans. She obviously thought Peter and Emma were good friends and he would spill some dirt. But it wasn’t fair to Peter, him and Daniel would have to go the surrogacy route if they wanted kids. And they were far too young to be thinking about that.

“Sure, wasn’t I a kid raised here? Jumping in streams and climbing trees. I’m amazed we didn’t all die off.”

“But what about a girl, eight or nine years old. No princesses, no fashion stores.”

Emma tried to interrupt, she knew Sandra was talking about Maia but Peter responded too quickly for her.

“What little girl wouldn’t want to be Queen of a wild, woodland forest?” He said. “Better than a princess of a housing estate.”

He stood, and put the plate back in the picnic basket. He said goodbye to Sandra and leaned into Emma for a hug. With a low voice he said, “I’ll talk to Patrick.” He smiled again and was quickly away on his mountain bike.

As he pedalled off down the hill Emma turned to Sandra, “That was really unnecessary.”

“What did he say to you?”

“That he’d talk to Patrick.”

“Well—“

“It was still unnecessary, asking him about kids,” Emma said. “He can’t have any. It wasn’t appropriate.”

“He’s only a young fella, I’m sure he’ll find someone,” Sandra said.

“He has found someone. His partner, Daniel.”

“I didn’t realise.”

“No. You didn’t,” Emma said.

“I’m sorry, I just want this to be sorted out. For you.”

“I know that. But I know how I want to handle things. You should respect that.”

“I’ll butt out,” Sandra said.

“I don’t want you to butt out, I want you to listen to me.”

“At least he’ll talk to Patrick,” she said.

“And what will he say?” Emma asked. “That I didn’t have the guts to bring his daughter up with him?”

“He should have brought it up with you.”

“He will bring it up with me, but I want him to do it when he’s ready,” Emma said. “When he’s sure.”

“He should be up front with you.”

“He should be true to his daughter,” Emma said. “She has to take priority. I wouldn’t respect him if he didn’t want to look out for her.”

“Even over you?”

“Yes!” Emma said, a little too loudly. “I was a young girl, with no father, with only my mother. She looked out for me, she protected me above anything else, even herself.”

“He has to care for you as well,” Sandra said.

“He does! I know it. He cares for me but I don’t want to come between him and his baby.”

“She’s not a baby, she’ll be a teen soon and how will she react to you then?”

“I don’t care how she reacts to me. I care that she has a loving relationship with her father. That’s far more important to me. It’s more important than my own happiness.”

“You’re thinking too much about your childhood and not your future.”

“If it wasn’t for my childhood I wouldn’t have this future.”

“Please look out for yourself, Emma.”

“I am, and Patrick will too. I believe that, one hundred percent.”

Sandra took Emma’s hands in her own. Her face dropped as her gaze fell. “If you believe it, I’ll believe it.”

“I know that too,” Emma said. “I needed this talk.”

“Well, as long as I’m good for something,” Sandra said.

“Come on, let’s go for an ice-cream in the village.”

“It’s some life you have,” Sandra said. It was still tense but Emma knew they’d be ok.

Emma and Sandra queued with their ice-creams in the little shop. It was Aisling there again, the trainee vet. Their ice-creams were €1.25 each and Sandra handed over a fiver. “Leave her a tip,” Emma instructed.

“It’s over two Euros change,” Sandra said.

“And you have a good job and Aisling is a poor broke student. Working hard to afford her college fees.”

“I worked hard to afford my college fees, no-one left me tips.” Sandra looked indignant.

“So now you can do something nice for the next generation of students,” Emma said.

“It’s fine really,” Aisling tried to get a word in.

“You be quiet Ais,” Emma said. “This is half a pint for you.”

“I don’t drink,” Aisling said. She was starting to look embarrassed.

“Then buy some fella you like a pint,” Emma said.

“I can get behind that,” Sandra said. “It’s settled. Keep the change and treat yourself to a man.”

As they walked out they could see Aisling pocket the coins.

“You have a thing for young, female students, don’t you?” Sandra asked.

“I wasn’t well off in college,” Emma said. “I tried not to ask for money, it was hard for Mam to go without for me.”

“You’re doing well now,” Sandra said.

“I am, that’s why I want to spread it around a bit,” she said. “And so does Patrick.”

“He has a lot to spread.”

“And he’s doing it wisely. Did I tell you I’m teaching a bookkeeping class on Saturday?”

“Where?” Sandra asked.

“The local pub, well the back room.”

“They’ll all be pissed, typical students.”

“They won’t. It’s entirely voluntary, loads of people have signed up.”

“Are you nervous?” Sandra asked.

“A little, I haven’t taken a class since college,” Emma said. “It’s mostly been Continuing Professional Development credits I’ve had to sit through.”

“They’re always fun, every time you have one you come running to me for a drink.”

“And you break out the good gin.”

“Who doesn’t like a nice gin?”

“Will you stay here tonight?” Emma asked. “We can go to the local pub, Patrick said he’d drive us and leave us be.”

“I can’t. I’d love to but I have work tomorrow, I’ve used up too many of my holiday days.”

Emma stayed quiet. A minute passed and she hadn’t touched her ice-cream. It started to melt down her hand and she had to lick her fingers.

“You’re worried about what Patrick will say when Peter talks to him, aren’t you?”

“I know it’ll be ok, but I can’t help it.”

“If you know it’ll be ok, it will be,” Sandra said. “I was too harsh on you.”

“It’s just that it’ll be coming from someone else.”

“And not from you?”

“Yeah, does it seem a bit cowardly?” Emma asked.

“Peter seemed on the ball enough that I was pushing it, not you,” Sandra said.

“Do you think he’ll have told him already?”

“Maybe, I guess you’ll find out,” Sandra said. “And I hate to say this but I have to leave soon. I don’t want to drive these roads in the dark.”

“You get used to it, but I’ll take you back to Patrick’s. We can get you one last coffee before you hit the road.”

***

E
mma had just said goodbye to Sandra when Patrick showed up. He had been missing when she and Sandra had arrived. Her shoulder muscles tensed as she saw him, he looked like he had something to say.

“I didn’t want to do this,” Patrick started. A pit began to form in Emma’s stomach. “But I had to answer your phone.”

“My phone?” Emma asked.

“You left it behind when you went with Sandra.”

“That’s fine,” Emma said. “The only business calls I’d get would be from you.”

“Well, your Mam rang four times. I saw her name come up,” Patrick said. “When she rang the fifth time I thought there might be something wrong so I answered.”

“That’s ok,” Emma said. “Really.” She rubbed his arm, he still looked concerned.

“I didn’t want to pry, but if something had happened I would have gone and got you.”

“Nothing did happen, though. Right?”

“Well, something did happen.”

“My mother was awful, wasn’t she? I wouldn’t blame you if you hung up on her,” Emma said. “She’ll get over it.”

“No, you’re mother was lovely,” He said. He was smiling. “She told me she used to come to Crenagh, the little fishing village nearby on the coast when she was small. She said she’d bring some pictures down over the weekend.”

“Bring some pictures down?” Emma asked. She didn’t like where this was going.