To Love and Protect (39 page)

Chapter 16

They were married in a quiet ceremony two days after their discussion.
 
They only spoke to one another minimally, both still attempting to reconcile themselves to the situation at hand.
 
After the ceremony, they found a decent coaching inn.
 
Justin escorted her inside and procured a room for them.

“Please have a bath sent up for my wife,” he instructed the innkeeper, who quickly passed the duty on to his own wife.
 
“I will return in a bit,” Justin addressed Clarissa before he turned and walked back out the door.

“Daughter, take the lady up to her room.”

“Yes ma’am.”

Clarissa followed the girl up the stairs to their room.
 
Theirs was the farthest room back, and the one least likely to be disturbed.
 
When the girl opened the door, Clarissa peeked inside and blushed.
 
This must be the best room of the entire inn.
 
A lovely old canopy bed took up a large portion of the room.

“Surely there must be some mistake,” Clarissa put her hand on the girl’s arm before she could leave the room.

“No, my lady, it was no mistake.
 
Mamma always makes certain this is the room the newlyweds get.”

“But how did she know?”

“I don’t know, my lady.
 
Mamma has a gift.
 
She says this bed holds special meaning and any couple who has ever slept in it has always had a wonderful marriage.”

“If only it were that simple,” Clarissa said under her breath.

“Did you say something, my lady?”

“No.
 
Thank you for showing me to my room.”

“Your bath will be right up.
 
I’ll start the fire.
 
We wouldn’t want you to take chill.”
 
Clarissa merely nodded her agreement and walked across the room to the window.
 
She caught sight of Justin talking to a man in the stables.
 
The two men shook hands and her husband pulled out some money, slipping it to the man, before walking towards the small village.
 
Her husband.
 
The words still felt foreign to her.
 
She still ached with the knowledge of how he truly felt about women like her.
 
It was too late now.
 
The damage had been done, so to speak.
 

She studied herself in the mirror.
 
The woman that looked back at her seemed wiser than her years, as if she knew something that Clarissa didn’t.
 
“Well, you can’t go back and change things, Clarissa, so you might as well stiffen that lip.
 
It’s up to you to see that this marriage turns into one that will last through the ages without one of you killing the other,” she scolded herself.

When the buckets of water began arriving, she stopped one of the maids and asked if she could find some writing supplies for her.
 
She needed to write her father and make certain that he did not worry about her.
 
And she would, later.
 
He deserved to worry about her well being for a change.

Somehow the women of the inn had come up with a large tub for her to soak in, and it sat in front of the fire.
 
She climbed in hoping it would relieve the tension that had taken over her body.
 
She leaned back in it, letting the warm water soothe her aching muscles.
 
Her head rested on a rolled towel that lay on the edge of the tub, and her eyes fluttered closed as the water eased her into sleep.

***

Justin walked into the room with several parcels under his arm.
 
He came to an abrupt stop at the sight before him.
 
Clarissa languidly lay in a tub full of steaming water.
 
The humidity made her hair curl in adorable little ringlets that framed her face.
 
A little snuffle escaped from her.
 

Guilt overwhelmed him.
 
He had pushed her too hard in their traveling, especially if she carried a child.
 
All of a sudden his knees felt like rubber, and he sank down onto the bed, dropping the packages on the floor.
 
He very possibly could be responsible for a family now.
 
He worked for the Foreign Office and had been put into a couple of dangerous situations, and he had just begun his career.
 
What would that do to the mental well-being of his wife?
 
His wife.
 
Dear Lord, had he rushed things?
 
But, no, he did not want speculation of the cart coming before the horse, regardless if that is what truly happened.
 
And he wanted to marry Clarissa, didn’t he?
 
Of course you did when it was an abstract thought that
might
happen
some
day,
he chided himself
. You are closing in on thirty.
 
It is time you acted like an adult, and part of that is marriage and begetting children.
 
Now that the day had arrived, he found himself nervous beyond belief and filled with trepidation as to if it would all work out.
 
Of course it will work out,
he attempted to encourage himself
.

Would Clarissa understand how much his service to the country meant to him?
 
She moved among the
ton
and proved herself a wonderful hostess, but would she be able to move with the same ease among those military men and families he often worked with?
 
It would be almost a year before he would find out.
 
She would not be among society again until the baby was old enough to leave with a nurse.

The baby.
 
He was going to be a father and responsible for a life that would not be able to care for itself.
 
What kind of danger would the child of a government agent be in?
 
Is that why most agents were men who were single?
 
No family could be held over their heads by their enemies.
 
His chest felt as if a band were constricting around it.
 
Just the idea of anyone coming to harm because of his position terrified him.
 
What if an enemy kidnapped Clare or the baby or both?
 

“Justin, are you all right?” He heard her voice from what seemed to be a far ways off.
 
The sound of sloshing water barely registered in his mind.
 
He would not put them in danger.
 
He would send them to Scotland just as soon as possible.
 
Once he saw Lorraine and Franklin captured.
 
Perhaps he should send her back across the border now.
 
No need for her to be involved in this mess with her stepmother.
 
Grams could watch over her.
 
But he wanted her with him, beside him, loving him.

Beads of sweat broke out on his brow and upper lip.
 
He had already seen some of the horrors of what could become of people who dallied on the wrong side of the government.
 
There was no partiality held for women rather than men.
 
All were treated the same.
 
When someone got in the way, they were eradicated.
 
His stomach churned violently.
 

“Justin, look at me,” Clarissa laid a soft, wet hand on his.
 
“What is it?”

He couldn’t answer.
 
He could only look at her and see horrible flashes of what the future could be.
 
Images raced through his mind of the terrors he had seen and heard about from other agents.
 
His imagination placing Clare’s face on the bodies he saw in his mind.
 
Justin’s stomach churned sickeningly, and he pushed Clarissa out of the way and ran to the chamber pot.

Clare looked dumbfounded, a towel wrapped around her, pushed unceremoniously onto her bottom as her husband rushed to lose the contents of his stomach.
 
She got to her feet and found a clean cloth and wet it in the cold water from the pitcher on the washstand.
 
After ringing it out she walked over to where Justin still heaved and placed the cloth on his neck.

He finally leaned back, took the cloth from his neck and wiped his sweating face.
 
They just sat there and looked at one another for a long while, as if they were sizing each other up.
 
She knew he had hated showing such weakness in front of her.
 
He didn’t look sick.
 
He looked worried, scared.
 
A haunted expression had taken up residence in his eyes, and he held his mouth in a firmness she had never seen before.

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”
 
He started to rise, but she put her hand on his arm to stop him.
 
“Look, I will be the first to say that this marriage did not start out as I had hoped.
 
I also remember you saying that this would be a true marriage in every way.
 
Well, so far that has been a lie.
 
The only time we speak is when we are in bed...” she broke off, still uncomfortable saying some things around him.

“Making love,” he prompted.

“Finding pleasure in one another,” she argued.
 
“What we have done has not been the joining of two hearts, two souls, but rather two people slaking their lust for one another.
 
But if this is to be a true marriage, we have to talk.
 
I can’t take the stress anymore.
 
It’s not good for me.
 
I think that is one reason I collapsed.
 
Between you, my father, and Megan’s problems, I buckled in on myself, shutting everything and everyone out.”

“And it can’t be good for the bairn,” he added.
 

“If there is one.”

“You said,” he began accusingly before she cut him off.

“I said my courses had been extremely light.
 
I suggested we wait.
 
You are the one who insisted we take action now.
 
I still do not know.
 
There could be a child, but there could not be,” she walked away from him.
 
“I cannot believe I am talking about my courses to a man,” she muttered to herself.

“Now this mess is my fault?”

“What are you talking about?”

“That remark you made about waiting,” he pushed up from the floor and began to pace the room.
 
“Do you already know if there is not going to be a babe?”

“No, Justin, I do not,” she said slowly through her gritted teeth.
 
“I told you, my courses were light.
 
It could mean many things.”

“Like?”

“Stress, you bloody idiot,” she retorted, frustration entering her voice.
 

“Bloody, bloody hell.” he muttered to himself.
 
“Were you even worried there truly might be a babe, or did you just manipulate me?
 
Are you really a harlot after all, Clare?”

Before she knew what happened, her hand arced through the air and landed a stinging blow on his cheek.
 
“I told you to wait.
 
I pleaded with Gertie not to ask for your help.
 
Now look at us.
 
Two people that despise each other and are trapped in a loveless marriage.”

“Typical of the
ton
, wouldn’t you say?”

“I can say this, there is going to be a change to our marriage.
 
You will not lay one hand on me, do you understand?”

“I would never hit you,” he said, purposefully misinterpreting her words and rubbing his red cheek.

“You will not come to my bed again.
 
Do you understand?
 
I don’t want you anywhere near me.”

“I will give you a reprieve for the time being, because I imagine you are both tired and sore from our lengthy ride…”

“How did you find it in your heart to be so generous?”

“But,” he said loudly, anger punctuating the single syllable, “once we are back in London, we will have a true marriage.”

“Fine.
 
You want a true marriage?
 
How about we
talk
for a change.”

“Talk?
 
About what?”

“I want to know about you.
 
About what you do at the Foreign Office.
 
Your ambitions.”

“I work for the government in an official capacity.
 
That is all that you need to know.”

“Why were you sick earlier?
 
You looked haunted.
 
Are you ill?”

“Nothing for you to worry about.”

She waited for him to finish.
 
He brushed the cloth over his face once more and ruffled his hair.
 
He left the room carrying the chamber pot.
 
She refused to beg him to talk.

Clarissa stood and moved in front of the fire and began drying off.
 
Prepared to put on her old clothes, she almost jumped when she heard Justin speak.

“Those packages are fresh clothes for you.”

Clarissa looked at the scattered packages on the floor.
 
There were a half dozen.
 
She walked over, the bath sheet wrapped around her and knelt on the floor opening them one at a time.
 
There were two dresses and a heavy, warm cloak.
 
Undergarments were in one package and a pair of sturdy shoes in the other.
 
The last package revealed a nightgown.
 
She was so grateful that he thought of it that she almost cried.