To Love (11 page)

Kelsey entered the house followed by her father. She had been released from the hospital after four days, and he insisted she stay with him while she recovered from the kidney stone removal and adjusted to the news. Kelsey had been too mentally exhausted and numb to refuse.

Maria kissed her on the cheek and hugged her gently. "My little girl." When she pulled back, her eyes were glistening. "Dinner will be ready in thirty minutes. You must be tired of that hospital food.”

Kelsey shook her head. "Thank you for cooking, Maria. But I'm just not hungry. I'm exhausted. I'll go straight to bed."

"I understand." Maria patted Kelsey on the arm. "Get some rest."

While Kelsey's father excused himself and disappeared into his office with the phone glued to his ear—possibly talking to yet another specialist—his driver carried her bags to her room and Maria helped Kelsey up the stairs. When they left her, she closed the door, shut all the windows and blinds, and sat on the bed in the dark, listening to her own breathing. It soon became labored as hot tears spilled down her cheeks—tears of fear, loss, regret. She cried as if her life were already over. As if she didn't have options at all. She cried until exhaustion overtook her. Then she fell asleep and dreamed of another Kelsey. One with perfectly functioning kidneys and her whole world intact.

A call from Delia woke her at ten p.m.

"You're strong, Kelsey O'Neil. You cannot let this get you down. You can beat this."

Kelsey put Delia on speakerphone and laid the phone next to her on the bed. It felt heavy in her hands. "I don't know how to do that. My body let me down. How could I have a disease for years and not even know it? How did I not see it coming?"

"You can't focus on that now. Don't beat yourself up. You cannot give up." Despite Delia’s confidence, Kelsey heard the fear in her friend's voice. "I think you should live as if everything will be fine. Pretend if you must. Attract health to yourself and you never know what might happen. Promise to try being positive. Please, Kelsey."

"I promise," Kelsey said, her voice flat and defeated.

Over the next few days, she cried a lot and regretted all the things she hadn't had a chance to do. As she accepted her new reality, she hardly left the house except to go to her dialysis sessions three times a week. Unable to think concretely about the future anymore, she halted the renovations at her restaurant. She wanted to be involved in every aspect of her dream coming true, but she couldn't find the mental or physical energy. Not while she felt so broken, both in body and spirit.

After breakfast, Kelsey stood up from the dining table and followed Maria to the kitchen. "I'll load the dishwasher," she said.

"No, dear. You sit and relax. You need your energy."

"I insist." Kelsey reached for the plates Maria was holding. "I feel better today. I can do this."

Yesterday, Kelsey was at the hospital for one of her dialysis sessions when she met a cancer patient, a small boy of only ten with an inoperable brain tumor. He was only given two months to live. Still, he'd had a spark in his eye as he laughed and played games with his mother. He made Kelsey feel ashamed. She still had options, while the child could only wait for his death.

Kelsey returned home with fresh determination to live her life the best she could with whatever resources she had at her disposal.

"Are you sure?" Maria hesitated.

"Very." Kelsey turned on the faucet. As she rinsed a plate, the doorbell rang, and Maria went to answer it.

It was a delivery man with a present for Kelsey, from her father. He’d called to tell her not to open it until he got home. Two hours later, he arrived wearing a crisp grey suit, and was followed inside by a young nurse.

The gift was a home dialysis machine, and the nurse was there to show Kelsey how to use it.

He placed her face between his hands and looked down at his daughter. "I don't want you to ever give up on your life. You hear me? And I promise I'll do everything to make it easier until I find you a donor. And I will."

Kelsey nodded. She had already made up her mind to go on living as if her body were whole. Maybe if she believed it enough, it might come true. "Thank you, Dad."

"I need to make a call to a surgeon in London. I'll see you at dinner."

It would be their last dinner before Kelsey moved back into her apartment. If she was going to have kidney disease for a while, or possibly for the rest of her life, she would have to learn to take care of herself. Having a home dialysis machine made it easier for her to be independent. She would not be a burden on anyone. She had to move on, just as she had intended to when she came back to Saulery.

"Thanks," Kelsey said to Donna, her nurse, as she started the machine. It had been a few days and Kelsey still didn't feel confident enough to use the machine herself, afraid she might do something wrong. She needed help for just a little longer, especially now that she was living on her own again.

"Make yourself comfortable," Donna said and left Kelsey's bedroom. She often waited in the living room for the session to end, giving Kelsey some time alone.

As soon as she left the room, Kelsey's phone rang. She picked it up from her lap. Dialysis took a while, so she always made sure to have everything she might need close at hand—books, her phone, a drink, and the TV remote.

She answered without glancing at the screen. "Kelsey here." She leafed through a magazine.

"Why don't you call, woman? Have you forgotten us little people?"

Kelsey laughed and her heart swelled. "I could never do that, Maeve. Surely you know that."

"Then you found another man to keep you busy? Is that it?"

Kelsey smiled bitterly as the urge to both laugh and cry welled up inside her. "I've been busy." She paused. "But not with a man." After this latest blow, she wouldn't even know how to start a romantic relationship.

"Still getting over Shaun?"

Kelsey shook her head. Shaun had been the last thing on her mind since her diagnosis. Not that she had forgotten about him—she never would—but their fate apart had somehow been sealed by the deadly disease. He wouldn't want to date her now even if she took him back. For all she knew he was back in the States already.

"Kelsey? Are you there?"

"Yes." Kelsey's voice cracked. "Maeve, there's something you should know. I was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease. My kidneys have failed, and I'm on dialysis. You're my friend. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I couldn't talk about it."

"Oh my God, Kelsey," Maeve breathed down the line. "What? When? God, that's terrible. You’re so young. I am so sorry." She paused for a long time. Kelsey had never known Maeve to be stumped for words before. "There's no cure for it?" she asked eventually.

"The damage to the kidneys is irreversible. I’m on dialysis, and I can only hope for a transplant. The list is long."

Maeve was quiet for a long time. "I'll come and visit you. I’ll be there next week."

"You don't have to, Maeve. I'm fine. Just adjusting to everything. I’m still in shock, but I'll get there."

"Shut up, Kelsey. I'm coming to see you. And there's nothing you can do about it."

Shaun heaved Garrett's suitcase over the threshold and stepped into the hall. "Unbelievable that you're going back already. Feels like you just got here yesterday."

Garrett shrugged on his suit jacket and closed the door. "Yeah, it does. I still wish you would come back with me. There's still time to change your mind, you know."

"No chance. I have to find her."

Garrett pushed the elevator button. "I hope you do. You deserve to be happy again. If you find her, don't mess it up."

Shaun nodded. What he didn't dare tell his brother was that with every passing day, he felt any hope of happiness slip through his fingers. And it had been his own damn fault.

The elevator doors slid open on the ground floor and they exited into a busy lobby.

"Now that you're done with your novel, you'll be bored out of your mind," Garrett said.

"I sure will. Give Mom my best."

Outside in front of a taxi, Garrett embraced Shaun and clapped him on the back. "Take care of yourself, Bro. See you soon."

Shaun hugged him tight. Garrett got into the taxi, and Shaun closed the door, waving.

On his way up to his room, Shaun's cell phone rang. An unknown number. He usually didn’t answer numbers he didn't know, but he had to, in case it happened to be Kelsey.

"Shaun, it's Maeve. Where are you?"

After they hung up, Shaun stood under the shower with hot water pouring over him, his heart threatening to burst. He had decisions to make, decisions that could change his whole life. But right now, he just felt like dying as his old wounds were ripped open.

EIGHT YEARS EARLIER

Shaun held his breath and tried to steady the hand that held the syringe. "Are you sure... this is really what you want? We can stop—"

"Yes." The word was soft. "Give it to me."

He hesitated, then placed the syringe in her hand. She dropped it immediately, too weak to inject herself. Her lips were dry, her eyes another level of dead. She was already gone even as she breathed before him. "Please, please do it," she whispered.

With the back of his hand, Shaun brushed tears from his eyes. He picked up the syringe. Before he could change his mind, he swept the sheets to the side and revealed her naked thigh. Carmen's eyes were closed now; she was too weak to keep them open. Her body still shuddered from the pain, and the goosebumps on the surface of her skin informed him of her suffering. He had to end it. He had no choice.

He blew out an unsteady breath. Then he sank the needle into Carmen's flesh and injected the drug into her body.

"Thank you," Carmen said, crying harder than Shaun had ever seen. She was heaving and panting, grappling for air.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” Shaun glued his forehead to hers and broke apart with her. Piece by piece by piece. Then she relaxed in his arms. He lifted his head to look down at her, hoping that maybe, just maybe, it had been a prank. That it had really just been pain medication.

"I... you won’t get in trouble," she whispered. "I left a message...a recording. It's..." She closed her eyes then, and her chest stopped rising and falling. Her breath ceased to touch his face. Her body shrank. She’d stopped breathing before she finished talking.

In a snap, Shaun's good sense returned, and the realization of what he'd done hit him so hard in the gut that bile shot up his throat. He gagged, and then started to shake. "Baby... baby, wake up. Please." He shook her, but her body was limp now, like a rag doll.

He had to pull himself together, to think. Some of the panic was replaced with a sliver of hope. Maybe he could save her, or someone could. He scrambled for his pants and reached into his pockets, searching for his phone. It wasn’t there.

He lunged for the hotel phone and called the emergency number by the phone. While he waited, sobbing into her hair, the buzzer rang, and he froze. They'd save her. It would be fine.

"You'll be fine, baby," he said as he got dressed. Before going to the door, he covered her, just in case she was cold.

The person standing on the other side of the door was not a paramedic. Nora stood in front of him, holding Carmen's handbag. He'd told her where they were staying just in case she needed to reach them.

"I don't want to disturb," Nora whispered, smiling. "I just thought you might need this. Carmen's medicine is inside...and her surprise for you." She clapped a hand over her mouth. "Oops, I shouldn't have said that."

Shaun stood like a zombie in front of her. His wife's mother. Whom he'd possibly robbed of her only daughter. What was he supposed to tell her? What was he supposed to tell anyone?

Kelsey paid the driver and climbed out of the taxi. She'd just come from her restaurant where she went to ensure all the renovations were on schedule.

As she walked to the door, she spotted another taxi parked on the curb a short distance from her. Someone, a woman, waved in her direction. Kelsey considered waving back, but wasn't sure if the person was really waving at her.

Before she could turn away, a tall, handsome man got out.

She blinked several times as her heart started to race.

Shaun?

She couldn't move, couldn't breathe as she stared at him. And then the woman who had been waving climbed out also. Maeve. Maeve had brought Shaun to Kelsey.

***

Maeve and Shaun walked over to where Kelsey stood, gaping.

"Don't look so shocked. I told you I was coming to see you." Maeve pulled Kelsey into a hug.

It had been two weeks and Kelsey had completely forgotten that Maeve was coming. And she hadn’t exactly mentioned she was bringing Shaun. Shock swept through her. She stared over Maeve's shoulder, her eyes fixed on Shaun's ashen face.

Shaun's lips twitched in an unsure smile.

Maeve broke their embrace and went to stand behind Kelsey. "Please don't kill me," she said in her ear.

Now Kelsey was standing face-to-face with the man she loved. The man who had let her down. The man she never thought she'd see again. "Hi," she said, a tremor in her voice.

"Hi." Shaun swallowed, and Kelsey saw his Adam's apple bob. He was just as uncomfortable as she was.

Before she could think of something to say, he hugged her, and she found herself hugging him back, swimming in the familiar scent of his cologne.

"Let's talk, please," he whispered into her ear. "You left without giving me a chance to explain.”

He pulled away and Kelsey saw his grey eyes were glistening. And they were framed by dark circles. He looked handsome, but also as if he hadn't slept in days.

She sighed. She wanted to tell him they had nothing to talk about. But it hadn't been right for her to just disappear from his life without giving him a reason. She nodded. "Come inside." She reached for Maeve's hand and held on to it for support as they walked into her apartment building.

"Can I get you something to drink?” she asked, unlocking her door. “I can make tea or coffee."

"Actually," Maeve said, "you live in a beautiful neighborhood. Do you mind if I go for a short walk?"

Kelsey threw her a blazing look, but Maeve disappeared back into the lift before Kelsey could say anything. Now it was just her and Shaun, and they had no choice but to talk.

"May I sit?" He asked when they were inside. He gestured to the armchair, next to which stood her dialysis machine. He didn't seem to notice it. If he did, it didn't register on his face. Did Maeve tell him about her disease?

"Sure, go ahead." She sat down on the couch.

Shaun leaned forward. "Kelsey," he said, "I was upset when you left without saying anything. You just took off."

"I didn't think there was anything to say. I came back to Dreara early to surprise you. Branna opened the door in her underwear. I put two and two together, and I left. One man cheated on me before. I couldn't stay with a man who hurt me that way again." Her vision suddenly blurred. "I was hurt, Shaun. I gave you my heart and you walked all over it."

Shaun rose from his chair and came to kneel before her. He lifted her hands to his lips. "Nothing happened between me and Branna. It was all a misunderstanding."

Kelsey slipped her hands from his and he placed his palms on her knees, gazing up into her teary eyes. "She spent the night at your place and was walking around in her underwear. What's to misunderstand?"

He sighed. "She tricked me. She showed up the night before with a black eye—at least that's what I thought it was. She said her boyfriend beat her and she wanted to hide from him. She said she had nowhere to go."

"So she slept in your bed."

He shook his head and one of his lashes caught her teardrop. "No, Kelsey. I demanded she sleep in the guestroom. I told her I was in a relationship...with you. I only wanted
you
. The time you were away was agony for me. I wanted you to come back so I could tell you I was crazy about you." He reached up and wiped tears from her cheek. "In the morning I found out Branna had lied about being abused. She made the black eye with makeup. I kicked her out immediately. Later I found out she had thrown my phone in the toilet."

"I called you on my way to Dreara. I left a message. When you didn't respond, I decided to surprise you."

"My phone was missing the whole night. Branna probably had something to do with that too. She must have seen your call."

Kelsey placed a hand over her mouth and her stomach turned. She had fallen right into Branna's trap. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I thought..."

Shaun came to sit next to her on the couch and kissed her. "No, I'm sorry. The whole time we were together, I wasn't fair to you. I shut you out. But I'm here now." He pressed his forehead to hers. "I'm here to tell you everything."