To Mend a Broken Heart (11 page)

“A photo wall?”

“Yes, it’s like a wall covered in photos. All different shapes and sizes, all framed and making up a whole wall. They are all so beautiful, how can you possibly choose?”

“I can’t.
You
can.”

“Oh, no, no, no!” I walk backwards and raise my hands up in surrender, “You are not doing that to me”

Daniel laughs and looks at me, his eyes are surprisingly happy seeing as I know this must be incredibly difficult for him. He comes to stand next to me and looks down at the many photos he has scattered all over his table. He picks one up, a beautiful photo of Poppy sitting outside.

“Maybe I’ll go with the photo wall idea. Where would it go though?”

“How about in your reading room? You said you both loved it in there, so it would seem fitting to go in there?”

“I like that idea.”

“Well, I am full of good ideas!” I tease him.

“You have one or two yes.”

“So, we’ll need more frames.”

“A lot more frames, I think.” he laughs.

“Then I guess a trip to the shop is in order, don’t you?”

“Absolutely.”

“You know, I’ll need paying for this, right? All these good ideas
and
helping you arrange it?”

“I’m making you dinner, that can be your payment!”

“You’re going to pay me in salad leaves?” I asks incredulously.

“I’ve told you,” he says stepping closer and looking down into my face, “They are not just salad leaves!”

“Dress it up however you like, they
are
just salad leaves!”

“You’ll see later, they are not. Now, let’s get going before the shops close!” he turns me around and pushes me forward, out of the lounge door.

“You’re getting bossy!”

“And you’re going to make us get to the shop when it’s closing!”

“I’m coming, I’m coming!” I call, as I head to the downstairs loo, peeking my head around the door before I close it I add, “After I’ve been to the loo!”

I hear his laughter while I’m in the toilet. I look at myself in mirror and grin. It’s impossible to be with Daniel and not smile, he is everything that is good about life. I don’t remember the exact point life started being a little easier and less painful, but I hope it is going to continue.

* * *

I have to give it to Daniel, these aren’t just salad leaves. The dressing, the hot chicken and bacon and the most incredible croutons I’ve ever tasted make this caesar salad the most incredible salad I have ever had. I look over at Daniel who has an
I told you so
look on his face and burst out laughing. Whether it’s the look on his face or the two glasses of wine I’ve had with dinner, I’m not sure, but I can’t stop myself from laughing once I start and before I know what’s happening, there are tears streaming down my face and for the first time in what seems like forever, they are happy tears. When I finally get it together and stop laughing, I look over at Daniel who is sitting there with a huge grin on his face and an emotion in his eyes I’m not sure what to do with. The old lady’s words from earlier come back to me and I begin to think, maybe she is right. Does Daniel feel more for me than friendship and if he does, what am I supposed to do?

“Coffee?” he asks, still smiling.

“That would be lovely, thank you.”

We both stand and head into the kitchen, clearing the dinner things into the dishwasher, Daniel begins to get everything ready to make a coffee.

“I really don’t know how you work that.” I gesture to the coffee machine.

“Bruce?” Daniel asks, raising an eyebrow at me.

“
Bruce?
” I scoff, “You’ve named your coffee machine?”

“Yes, I’ve named my camera too. All my most loved things have names.”

“Why Bruce?”

“Bruce Almighty. The best coffee machine there is.” he grins.

“Oh good Lord, do I want to know what your camera is called?”

“Ansel.”

“
Ansel?
”

“As in Ansel Adams?”

“Oh, well at least that one makes sense.”

“All my names make sense!” he chuckles.

“Right…”

“Why don’t you go sit in the lounge, I’ll make us coffee and then come in. I might,” he leans closer and whispers to me, “Even have a box of
After Eights
I might let you share.” he pulls back and winks.

“Well, how could I resist, coffee and
After Eights?
”

I head into the lounge and kick my shoes off, tucking my feel underneath me. When Daniel comes into the room later with our coffees and chocolates, I’m so comfortable I could fall asleep. I sit up in an attempt to wake myself up a little and make space for Daniel on the sofa. He hands me the box of chocolates and I greedily take three, one just never cuts it.

“So, not wanting to get all deep on you, but what do you want to do with your life, Katie? What’s on your bucket list?” Daniel asks, his voice slightly slow from the alcohol he’s consumed.

“I want to see the world.”

“What do you want to see?”

“I want to go on the
Orient Express
. I want to visit Denmark and Sweden, I want to go to New York City and I really want to take a road trip through America.”

“Wow, that’s a lot of things. You would love New York, it’s an incredible place.”

“You’ve been?” I sit forward, interested.

“I have. Three times.”

“Do you have photos?”

“Of course I do, do you want to see them?”

“Almost as much as I want another chocolate.”

“Well, help yourself,” he hands me the box, “I’ll get the photos.”

Chapter Nine

After a highly emotional day at the hospital I’m heading over to meet Ginny for dinner. It’s a girly dinner and I am getting a taxi there and back so I don’t need to worry about driving. We are long overdue a proper girly catch up, since I’ve been ‘out of action’ as Ginny called it, I can’t actually remember the last time we went out for something to eat just the two of us. As I step into the restaurant I spot Ginny at the bar, talking into her phone, a big smile on her face.

“Hey beautiful, come here often?” I ask her, in the best impression of a male voice I can manage.

She looks up at me and grins, before finishing her call to Ryan. I know it’s Ryan because she is discussing Aidan and what time he needs to be in bed by. When she puts her phone down and leans over to greet me I settle in my seat and order myself a large glass of white wine.

“So, this is…
strange?
” I half smile.

“It’s been a while, but I think it’s right we do this now.”

“Me too. How was work?”

“Good, busy as always, but good. Speaking of work, how was the hospital?”

“Emotionally draining today. There is a little girl there, Amber, she’s six and…” I feel the tears filling my eyes and wipe them away, “She’s dying, Ginny.” I whisper.

“Oh, sweetie.” she stands and wraps her arms around me, “I’m so sorry.”

“I wasn’t prepared for it. I don’t know, I guess I knew, I’ve always known they were poorly and that with what they are battling, death is a very real thing, but when it happens… We only found out about it two weeks ago. She has really deteriorated fast. Daniel, he’s a mess, Ginny.”

“Oh, God, I didn’t even think. How does he do it? How does he find his strength?” she takes a large gulp of her wine.

“Well, he isn’t doing it right now. He is still coming in, still there, but he isn’t happy. I spent an hour with him over lunch talking to him, trying to get him to talk to me. He’s usually so open about everything, but right now, he can’t talk about it. He is lost to his grief, which with Amber as she is, is only more prominent than it usually is,” I take a sip of my wine and lean back in my chair.

“I’ve told him to take some time off, to stop for a while, that everyone will understand. But he won’t. I’m just really worried that this is going to make things worse, that this is going to cause untold damage to him, Ginny.”

“I don’t know what to suggest, he knows what he can take though sweetie. I’m sure he wouldn’t do it if it was hurting him too much.”

“That’s just it, I’m not sure he would stop if it was hurting him. He worries too much about everyone except himself.”

We sit just looking at each other for a minute. Not sure what else to say. After a few minutes, Ginny takes my hand a squeezes it. I squeeze it back and it’s like we both decide to change the subject, like we both need to.

“Daniel took me ice skating at the weekend.” I groan.

“He didn’t!” she laughs.

“He did. I was awful, but he was incredible, Ginny, I’m talking like Olympic standard incredible. He did jumps and all sorts.”

“That,” she grins wickedly, “I’d like to see. Ryan can’t skate to save his life!”

“Maybe Daniel could teach him!”

“Maybe,” she smiles, “Are you ready to eat?”

“I was ready an hour ago.”

“Then lets go stuff our faces and put the world to rights!”

* * *

We’re half way through dinner, I’ve had two glasses of wine and I’m feeling relaxed when my phone rings. I reach into my bag and see Daniel’s name on the screen. I look at Ginny and she nods, telling me to answer.

“Hi Daniel. Daniel?”

I don’t hear anything for a few seconds, then his voice comes down the line. It’s a broken, agonised voice, a voice filled with so much pain and anguish I can practically feel it down the phone. My heart aches for him and I know right then before I’ve even said anything to him, that I’ll be leaving Ginny and going to see him.

“Katie?”

“What’s wrong?” I speak into the phone, meeting Ginny’s eyes. She’s already waving over the waiter and asking for the bill.

“I just, I can’t. you’re busy, It doesn’t matter.”

“Hey, listen, we’re finished,” I meet Ginny’s eyes again and mouth
sorry
, she shakes her head,
no
, “I can get a taxi to yours. I’ll be ten minutes.” I tell him.

“You don’t need to.”

“Daniel, do you need me?” I ask him, already knowing what the answer will be.

“Yes.” his broken voice comes down the line.

“I’ll be there soon. It’s okay.”

“Thank you.” he whispers, his voice broken.

I end the call and place my phone into my bag, looking at Ginny I go to apologise but she stops me.

“Don’t. You really don’t need to. He has been there for you, on many occasions, right?”

“Yes.”

“Then go to him. Comfort your friend when he is hurting, Katie.”

“I love you, you know that?”

“I do, and I love you. Send him my love and if I can do anything or if Ryan can, let us know.”

I stand and kiss her cheek, putting my half of the meal on the table, she takes it and puts it in my jacket pocket again before waving me off. Ginny really is the best. I hail a taxi outside the restaurant and give them Daniel’s address. Fifteen minutes later, I’m knocking on his door and waiting for him to open it. When he does, he looks awful.

“Come here.” I tell him, holding out my arms.

He pulls me in to the house and wraps his arms around me, holding me so tight I can’t breathe. He walks us both into the lounge and sits us down on his sofa. He cries in my arms, like I’ve cried in his. It breaks my heart to see him like this. We don’t talk, I run my hands up and down his back, trying to ease some of the unbelievable pain he is feeling. I don’t know what else to do. I’m about to ask when he speaks.

“She died, Katie.”

“I know she did, sweetheart, I know.”

“No…. Not Poppy. Amber. She died this evening.”

“Oh my God,” I hold him to me as the tears begin to fall.

Life is cruel and life is unfair and there are no answers for why some things happen. Why do the most awful people in the world get to live when the best are taken from us? Where is the justice in that? I failed to see it, I don’t understand it and I don’t think I ever will.

* * *

When I wake up in the middle of the night to go to the loo, I see lights coming from downstairs and I hear soft music. Daniel’s bedroom door is open and when I peek inside his bed is empty. I go to the loo and then quietly pad downstairs to make sure he’s okay. I know where I’ll find him. I walk straight into his reading room and find him bathed in moonlight, sitting on the padded seat. He has on pyjamas, his bare feet are stretched out in front of him and sitting on his chest is Poppy’s brown bear. I don’t want to interrupt him so I turn to leave. It’s then I hear a sob break free from his chest and my feet carry me over to him without me even thinking about it. I drop to my knees in front of him and rest my head on his stomach, wrapping my arms around him. He sits up and pulls me to him, sitting me in his lap, burying his head in my chest and sobbing. I don’t talk, I just hold him, hoping being close is bringing him some kind of comfort like it seemed to last night.

The song must be on repeat because it ends and begins to play again. Daniel’s breathing slowly settles and his body stills. He reaches for my face and pulls my chin up so I’m looking into his eyes. I see something there, I’m not sure what it is. I don’t have time to decide what it is either because he dips his head and presses his lips to mine. I’m shocked and taken by surprise but I don’t pull away. His lips on mine feel different, they feel strange, but something deep inside me tells me they feel right too. He doesn’t move, he just rests against me, his hand snakes around my waist and comes to rest on the small of my back. Warm and shaking. He pulls away then and rests his forehead to mine, breathing deeply, trying to calm down.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have.”

“Are you okay?” I whisper, closing my eyes.

“I don’t know,” he whispers back, “I had dreams, awful dreams.”

“You should have come and woke me, I would have—”

“I don’t want to dream any more, Katie.”

“What can I do? What will help?”

I know how he feels. I have dreams too, although not as often since Daniel came into my life. But I know what they are like. I know that they seem so real, so real I sometimes wake up and feel the pain I remember feeling that awful day.

“Stay with me.”

“I’m here.”

“In my bed.”

“Daniel—”

“I can’t be alone right now, please? Just… Just so I know I’m not alone.”

“Not in your bed, in the guest room, I just can’t… It’s not…”

He nods and stands, taking me with him and carrying me to the guest room along with the blanket. He sits on the bed and puts me down next to him. I slip under the covers and hold out my arms for him. He puts the duvet down and lays on top of the covers. He drapes the blanket over himself and rests his head on my chest, throwing one arm over my stomach. I wrap my arms around him and cradle his head to me.

“Thank you, Katie.” he whispers.

“You don’t need to thank me, Daniel.”

“You’re the one thing keeping me going. You’re the reason I get out of bed most days. Knowing I’ll get to speak to you on the phone or see you at the hospital,” he takes a shuddery breath and keeps talking, “Every day takes immense courage to keep going, I know you understand this.”

“I do. And you’re the person who keeps me going too, Daniel.”

“There isn’t anything I want more than my Poppy back. To know Amber’s parents are going through this very same thing, it’s awful Katie, it’s just awful.”

“I know, I know.” I soothe him, just listening.

After a while, I feel him go very still in my arms, I feel his breathing get deeper and I know he has fallen asleep. We are both so broken, I’m not sure how I am supposed to heal him, or him me. How are two broken souls supposed to heal each other when they hardly have enough pieces left to make a whole? I lay there with him, asleep in my arms until the sun begins to come up. Until the birds begin to sing in the trees and slowly I hear cars on the road and people beginning their day. I don’t wake him, I don’t move. He is clinging to me like his very existence depends on it.

I must fall asleep, because I wake sometime later and Daniel is gone. I hear the shower and realise he’s awake and starting his day. I swing my legs out of bed and head downstairs. I need a coffee and something to eat and I need a headache pill. I rummage through my bag and find some painkillers, going over to the sink, I fill a glass with water and swallow two. I sit down on the stool and check my phone.

“You’re awake.”

I look up and Daniel is walking into the kitchen. He hasn’t finished getting dressed yet, he is wearing blue jeans and is in the middle of buttoning up a navy blue shirt. He smiles sadly at me and comes to stand on the opposite side of the counter from me. He reaches out and takes my hand and squeezes it.

“Thank you for last night, Katie.”

“You’d do the same for me.” I smile back.

“I would. I really would,” he gives my hand one last squeeze then lets it go, “Would you like a coffee?”

“Please, I have the headache from hell.” I bring my hands up to my temples and rub small circles.

“You do?” he frowns, “Was it the interrupted sleep?”

“I don’t know. Do you mind if I grab a shower? The steam might help?”

“You don’t have to ask, Katie. You know where everything is. Shampoo, conditioner, towels..”

“Yes I do. I’ll be back in a bit.”

I climb the stairs and go straight into the bathroom. I strip out of my clothes and into the shower, I stand at one end until the water runs hot. When I step under the giant shower head and let the water cascade over my naked skin. I feel some of the tension leave my body and groan. Reaching for the shampoo, I lather up my hair, massaging my sore head for a few minutes until I feel the pain ease.

As I wash myself, I can’t help but imagine Daniel in here a few minutes ago. His tall, lean body covered in the very same soap suds that now cover my body. What is happening to me? What is going on between Daniel and I? How can I feel this, so soon after losing Richard? I am so confused, so torn and I am so turned on picturing Daniel in this very shower, I don't know what to do with myself. I let my hands linger on my breasts as I wash my body, the water hot and the soap feeling silky under my fingertips. I am more awake than I have been in a long time in more than one way. I feel aroused and I crave a man’s touch. It surprises me that the male’s touch I want flitted between Richard's and Daniel's. It shocks me even more to realise what has bought me to this state of desire has been Daniel. The very real, very alive man that stands downstairs in the kitchen.

I rinse myself off and step out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my heated body and another around my hair, I slip out of the bathroom and into the guest room. I dress quickly in last nights clothes and towel dry my hair. I need a coffee and I need to go home. My headache is easing but the confusion that my feelings have left in their wake are enough to make my head want to explode. I make my way downstairs and into the kitchen, Daniel has a coffee for me ready and a couple of those delicious pastries he makes.