To Mend a Broken Heart (12 page)

“Better?” He asks as he hears my feet approach.

If better means that, yes, my headache is easing but I am contemplating asking you to throw me onto the counter and make love to me
, I think, then mentally slap myself,
get a grip Katie.

“Better.” I smile sitting down at the counter.

“I can take you home when you’ve had breakfast if you like, I know we’re due in at the hospital today.”

“That would be good, thank you,” I take a deep breath, “Daniel do you think you should be going in today? Why don’t you take a break?”

“Because it isn’t about me, Katie. It’s about them and right now it’s about Amber’s parents,” he looks at me sadly, “I was that parent once. I was the one people looked at sadly. Do you think I don’t see that look people still have when I’m around? I see it, I pretend I don’t but it’s still there.”

“People care about you, Daniel.”

“I know that, it doesn’t mean I don’t hate
that
look.”

“Do I… give you
that
look?”

“Katie, you’re the only person in my life who doesn’t give me that look.”

“Will you promise me something, Daniel?”

“Anything.” he looks serious.

“Promise me, you’ll talk to me when you’re ready and you won’t push yourself.”

“I promise.” he smiles at me.

It doesn’t go unnoticed that the smile doesn’t reach his eyes again, not by a long shot.

* * *

The whole ward is subdued our entire shift. Everyone talks a little quieter, everyone gives each other hugs and no ones eyes are dry all day. The children are all sad, they have all spent time with Amber and the loss is felt in every corner of the ward. When it comes to going home, neither Daniel or I want to be alone, so we opt for takeaway and a couple of bottles of wine. I delicately persuade him not to bring over the whisky tonight, not sure it’s going to help either of us. We’re sitting in my lounge with the TV on and I’m not sure either of us are watching it. I look over at Daniel who is nursing his third glass of wine and looking as miserable as I feel when there is a knock on the door. Our pizza has arrived. I stand up and head to the front door and find Ginny standing there.

“Hey, what are you doing here?”

“I came to check on you, after you had to leave last night I wanted to make sure everything was okay with Daniel.”

“He’s right in the lounge, I thought you were the pizza man actually.” I smile, holding the door open.

“No, I won’t interrupt.”

“Ginny, come in.” We both walk into the lounge and Daniel looks over at us, a look of surprise on his face, he makes to get up but Ginny holds up her hand and shoos him back down.

“I’m not staying, I just wanted to see how you both were?”

“I’m okay,” Daniel nods, holding his glass of wine up, “Third glass seems to be doing the trick.”

“Red wine helps everything,” she smiles warmly, “As does this one.” she bumps her shoulder with mine.

“That she does.” he smiles.

“I’m going to leave you to it. You know where I am if you need me. Either of you.” she looks at Daniel.

“Thank you, Ginny. That means a lot.” he tells her with such sincerity it makes my heart clench.

I walk with Ginny to the front door just as the pizza guy knocks. I take the boxes and pay him before saying goodbye to Ginny.

“Don’t drink too much, it won’t help the pain either of you are feeling.” she rubs my arm.

“I know. We’ll be okay.”

“Make sure you call me if you need anything. Anything at all okay?”

“I will.” I nod.

“Okay, go stuff your face with pizza and try and make him smile again.”

“I’ll do my best.”

After pizza, I flick through the channels and settle on
Ghost
. I look over at Daniel who has a smile on his lips, he meets my eyes and raises his eyebrow at me.

“What is with your eyebrow, Mr Lambert?” I ask teasingly, leaning over him to switch off the light.

“Absolutely nothing.”

“Ummmmm.”

“Settle in and watch your sexy film, Katie.” he grins at me.

“Yes, sir.” I laugh, sitting back.

We’re at
the
scene and all of a sudden the air between us is electric. I can’t look at Daniel. I can feel the heat from him radiating towards me, I can feel his fingers gripping mine a little tighter and I can see his chest rising and falling a little faster than it was five minutes ago. Why did I think this was a good idea? Tonight?
Right when Patrick Swayze has his hands under Demi Moore’s white shirt and I think I can’t possibly sit there and watch anymore, my phone buzzes on the dining room table. I leap up, glad for the excuse to leave the room for a few seconds. My cheeks are heated and I am feeling more than a little turned on. I look down at my screen and see Sally’s name on the screen. Swiping along the bottom, the message comes up.

Sally:
I hope you’re okay. I just wanted to let you know Amber’s funeral is Thursday at 10am at All Saints Church. I hope you can make it, I know it would mean a lot to her parents. x

Just like that, I don’t need cooling down, I need a hug.

Chapter Ten

Thursday arrives and I wake up in Daniel’s spare room in almost complete darkness. Looking over the pillows I can just about make out Daniel laying next to me, the slither of moonlight sneaking through the curtains illuminating his face. I am dreading today. Not for myself, but for Daniel. I know him well enough to know he is going to put on a brave face and be strong for everyone else, that he is going to be the Daniel I see at the hospital and not the real Daniel I see when we are alone, the Daniel who wakes me when he has nightmares, the Daniel that asked me to stay with him last night before the funeral today.

I just watch him sleep, not wanting to wake him and make today a reality for the both of us.

When it starts to get light outside, I know we have to get up and start getting ready. It isn’t going to be easy and I have to be strong for my friend.
I can do this.
I can do this.
Almost as if he can hear my inner chant, his eyes flutter open and lock on mine. His eyes look so incredibly sad and I feel tears prick in my eyes before I can stop them.

“
Katie
..” Daniel moves closer, pulling me to him, “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

“I’m just…” I choke on the words, unable to tell him just what I was.

“You don’t have to explain it. Today is going to be awful, there is no point pretending anything else,” he soothes me, his hand rubbing up and down my back, “But we’ll be here for each other okay?”

“Okay.”

* * *

Everyone’s head is bowed right up until the moment they walk down the narrow aisle with the small coffin. Tears fall freely down my face and I don’t wipe them away. I’m so wrapped up in what I’m feeling, I fail to notice Daniel going to pieces next to me. It’s only when I catch movement out of the corner of my eye that I realise. When I turn to see what’s happening, he has his hands over his face and is shuddering and shaking. I sit down next to him, wrapping my arms around his broad shoulders and pull him into me. I’ve never seen grief likes this, grief comes in many different forms, but I think this must be the worst one. The grief of a parent.

“Come on, let’s go outside.” I whisper to him as the vicar starts the service.

“No…I need…I have to…” his voice is barely a whisper.

“Daniel, you need to come with me.” I tell him, making him look me in the eyes.

He takes my hand and follows me as we walk down the aisle and slip out of the church doors, leaving Amber’s family and friends to say goodbye. When the cooler air hits my wet face I wipe away the tears that are staining my cheeks and look at Daniel, what I see has my feet stopping and my knees almost buckling from underneath me.

“Daniel.” I step into his embrace and hold him.

I hold him so tightly, like I’m trying to hold him together. I have to, because right now, he is breaking right in front of me. The strongest man in the world is breaking, more than he already is and my heart hurts looking at him. I walk us slowly to my car and unlock it, right before the heavens open and rain unlike any rain I’ve ever felt before begins to fall. Daniel leans forward, resting his face in his hands while gut wrenching sobs wrack his body, I feel helpless, unable to make any of this easier for him. I pick my phone out of my bag and text Sally, letting her know what has happened.

“Where do you want to go, Daniel?” I whisper, placing a hand on his shaking shoulders.

“Poppy, I want to see Poppy.” he sobs.

“Daniel…I can’—“

“She’s buried at the cemetery near my house, please, Katie.” He lifts his face and I let the tears I’ve been holding back since we got into the car fall. When Daniel is sad, he is really sad. He has one of the most beautiful faces I’ve ever seen and when his face is sad, it is the most heartbreaking thing in the world.

“I’ll take us.”

“Thank you.” I barely hear his whisper above the sound of the rain hitting the car.

I start the engine and drive us closer to Daniel’s house. On the way I realise, we can’t turn up empty handed and I don’t want to. I pull over at the first florist I see and turn to Daniel. He is resting his head back and opens his eyes when the car stops.

“What flowers?” I ask him.

“What?” his confused eyes meet mine.

“What flowers does Poppy like? Or what flowers do you like?”

“She loves poppies,” he smiles, “But you won’t get those in there. White roses,” he whispers, “I always take white roses.”

I lean over and kiss his cheek, he inhales deeply before I pull back and step out into the rain and into the florists. I explain what I need the flowers for and they rush the order through. Half an hour later, I walk out and back into the car, placing the beautiful arrangement on the backseat. I drive silently over to the where Daniel tells me I’ll find the cemetery and park. I turn, unsure what to do next, to look at Daniel.

“Please come with me.” he whispers.

I just nod and get out of the car, fetching the flowers and carrying them to where Daniel stands. He reaches down and takes my hand, leaving me to carry the flowers for him to Poppy’s grave. We walk along the path, our heads bowed until Daniel stops. He drops to his knees on the wet grass and sweeps his hand across the immaculate wording on the white headstone, wiping away the rain drops that have landed there. They are quickly replaced with more. I look up and study the wording;

Poppy Ada Lambert 08-09-2007 - 25-12-2014

“Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo”
A tiny flower lent, not given

To bud on earth and

bloom in Heaven.

I’m snapped out of my daze when I hear Daniel begin to speak.

“Hello, Pops,” he draws in a shuddery breath, “I needed to come see you today, I know I was only here on Monday, but I needed to come back.”

I reach out my hand, which I notice is shaking, and rest it on Daniel’s shoulder. His hand comes up and rests over mine, squeezing it gently. Even though it’s raining and I’m wearing a skirt, I kneel down on the soaked grass right beside him, bringing the flowers up and in front of him. He takes them from me and whispers
thank you
.

“Poppy, this is Katie,” he turns his face slightly in my direction, “She is very special to me, Pops. I wish you could have met her.”

“I wish I could have met you too, Poppy.” I whisper, squeezing Daniel’s hand in mine.

“Poppy, I need you to do something for me. Today, another little angel is going to join you. Her name is Amber and she is a very special little girl,” he wipes his eyes and raises his face to the sky, “Look after her, make sure she isn’t scared. Show her… show her the way up there, you’ll know what to do by now. Her Mummy and Daddy miss her terribly, like I miss you, it will help them to know you’re together, that you’re both safe.” his voice breaks at the end.

I don’t say anything, I wouldn’t even if I had the words. I already feel like I’m encroaching on something so very private, something no one should be witnessing. Daniel may have learned to live with his grief a little in the time since he lost Poppy, but it is still very, very real. It still plagues him every single day whether he is awake or asleep. Poppy consumes his thoughts and is in every corner of his life. How he manages to get up and live each day is beyond me.

I kneel on the ground for as long as he needs me, my knees sinking into the wet grass, my shins cold and achy. After half an hour, the rain gets heavier, but Daniel shows no sign of being ready to leave. Seeking a little relief, I sit back fully on the wet grass. It takes no time at all for the cold and wet to seep into my clothes and chill my whole body. Daniel seems oblivious to the rain continuing to pour down over us, his eyes staring forward, his lips moving as the words he desperately needs to speak to his daughter pour out.

“Katie?”

“Yes?”

“You must be frozen,” he looks like he has only now realised it’s still raining, and a lot heavier than it was when we arrived, “We’ll go. Thank you for bringing me, for waiting, for being here.”

“You don’t need to thank me.” I tell him, squeezing his hand tight.

“What do you want to do? Well, after we’ve got dry.” a small smile tugs at the corners of his mouth.

“It’s not about what I want today, Daniel. It’s about what you want. What you need, so tell me.”

“I need to get dry… and after that, I need a drink, a big drink, a strong drink and some chocolate.”

“I can do that.”

Before we get to our feet, Daniel leans forward, resting his wet cheek at the place where Poppy’s name is.

“I have to go, Pops. I hate leaving, you know that. But I’ll be back. I promise,” he whispers, “I love you, you will always be my little girl.”

When he gets to his feet and looks at me, I’m not sure what is rain and what are tears on his face. He reaches for my hand and I give it to him gladly. We walk in silence to my car and slip inside and out of the rain. As soon as I put my key into the ignition, I blast the heat to warm our wet bodies and clear the steam our damp clothes have produced. When the windows are clear enough I can see, I drive us over to mine so I can get a change of clothes before we head to the supermarket for supplies for what was sure to be a difficult evening. By the time we reach Daniel’s house, the sun has come out and our clothes are basically dry. He opens the front door and takes my jacket, hanging it in the downstairs cupboard. I slip off my shoes, placing them neatly by the door and turn to see Daniel watching me.

“Shall we go get changed?” he asks, a small smile on his lips.

“Do you mind if I have a shower? I feel like the cold has go
—
”

“Has got inside your bones,” he frowns, “I know.”

“It’s your house, you go first.” I hold my hand out.

“You’re the guest, ladies first.” he smiles carrying my bag upstairs and placing it in the guest room.

I slip into the shower and groan as the hot water washes over my cold skin slowly heating me from the outside in. I take a deep breath and suddenly, something snaps inside me and I fall to my knees, sobbing so hard my whole body shakes. Today, a little girl was buried, today a mother and father lost their daughter, their little girl. I don’t know what that feels like, but Daniel does. I need to go to him, I need to hold him and tell him how incredible he is, how I am in awe of his bravery and kindness. I switch off the shower and quickly dry myself, leaving my hair wet and down. I change into the jeans and t-shirt I brought with me and head downstairs. I find Daniel in the kitchen making us both a coffee. I waste no time, I go to him, wrapping my arms around his back. While I hold him, I murmur the words I feel. I say them over and over again until they become just a whisper. Only when my lips are still does Daniel turn in my arms and look down at me, tears shining in his eyes.

“Why?” he asks.

“You needed to know. I needed to tell you.” I tell him simply, pressing a kiss to where I know his tattoo is.

He doesn’t say anything. He nods his head and heads upstairs, I assume to shower. I’m not sure whether I just crossed the line, I’m not sure if I’ve made things worse. I can’t imagine I have, but then, with everything how it is right now, after the day we’ve had, I might have.

* * *

“Are we ordering Chinese?” Daniel asks, sitting back on the sofa and crossing one ankle over the other.

“Well, my stomach says yes, but my butt says no after the chocolates you force fed me!” I laugh as I sit down next to him, curling my feet to the side of me.

“
Force fed you?
” Daniel smiles, “I didn’t force feed you anything, Katie. Your hand kept disappearing into the packet.”

“I know!” I groan and cover my eyes, “I have zero willpower when it comes to chocolate after a bad day.”

“Only after a bad day? You’re lucky then, I have zero willpower any time.”

“I think we both know, I have zero willpower all the time, Daniel. You’ve seen my butt.”

“Is there a right answer to that question?”

“No. So, Chinese?”

An hour later, we’re sitting on the sofa eating takeout and watching
Cinderella
. Daniel asked if I mind, of course I don’t, it is my favourite and I sense he really needs to watch it and feel close to Poppy. When it gets to the part where
Cinderella’s
fairy godmother appears, he pauses the TV and looks at me.

“Poppy’s headstone…”

“Yes, I did read it.”

“She was obsessed with having a fairy godmother. She would make me be her fairy godmother and I’d have to have a wand and a crown and everything,” he smiles at the memory, “Sometimes I would wake up to her leaning over me with her wand and the first thing she would say to me was
Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo!”

“She sounds as amazing as her Daddy.” I tell him.

“Oh no, she was so much more than I am or will ever be.” he smiles, pressing play on the DVD again.

“I find that very hard to believe, Mr Lambert. Very hard to believe.”