Torn (53 page)

I drew in a deep breath as I saw
Denny approaching with the mail. I was a fucking idiot, clinging on to the hope
that a letter would miraculously appear. It had been over two years since the
last one. But this time of the month, just for a few days, it was like the flat
line of my heart suddenly started beeping again, then abruptly bottomed out
when nothing materialized.

“Sorry, Hudson,” he grimaced. I
groaned and covered my face with my hands.

“I just can’t believe it. I can’t
believe she’d have stopped writing.”

“Most do long before yours did,”
he replied sadly.

“Not this girl, you don’t know
her.”

“Maybe you made her. She’s not on
your visitor log, I noticed you never send letters yourself or use our email
system, and you’re rarely registered as having used the phone. It’s been a long
time now, maybe you’ve made it too hard for her to keep whatever you had alive.”

“I’ve got my reasons for pushing
her away. Selfishly I just hoped that she’d see through that and know I’d never
give up on her if I had a choice.”

“You do have a choice, Hudson, no
one controls you but you.”

“Hmmm,” I nodded, not really in
the mood for any philosophical bullshit right now.

“See you later, kid.”

“Yeah,” I replied, sloping back
inside and hauling myself up onto my bunk to wallow in my misery.

“How are you doing this week, son?”
Diego asked as he settled on the bench in front of me, my hands chained to the
table separating us, as normal.

“Having a riot.” I tried to pass
it off with one of my joking smiles, but I just wasn’t feeling it today. It was
a few days to the fourth anniversary of the day Sky Torres had wandered into
that garage, made me crack my temple on the bottom of my car, and turned me
from a player to a guy who could only see a future with her. A future that was
little more than a mirage in the Nevada desert right now.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come during
the week, there was a last-minute crisis at work.”

“I can’t believe you still come,
after all this time.”

“I made you a promise, Nate, and
I like to keep my word. Besides, I look at you and Josh like the sons I never
had.”

“And I look at you like … like
the dad I lost,” I uttered, not able to look him in the eye as I said the
words. I’d worked so hard at toughening up in here, showing emotion now would
ruin my rep.

“You have no idea what it means
to me to hear you say that, Nate, but I’m afraid I haven’t been a very good father
to you. I made a huge mistake and it’s time I set that right.”

“What are you talking about?” I
frowned as I lifted my head and saw the anguish on his face.

“I thought I knew my daughter,
that I knew what was best for her.”

“Diego,” I warned, “you know the
rules. We discuss anything but her. I don’t discuss her with any of you, you
all know that!”

“I know it, but I’ve never understood
it,” he replied, giving me a puzzled frown. “But if you really value my support
and guidance as much as a father’s, I’m asking you to trust that I know what
I’m doing and that there’s a reason for me breaking that promise.”

“God damn it, you’re asking a
hell of a lot!” I bit. I wasn’t in the mood for this today.

“I know you’re still in love with
Sky, Nate. And I know she still writes to you, and I’m betting that you read
and cherish every single one of those letters.”

“Then you’d be wrong,” I growled,
giving him a warning to back off. “I haven’t had a single letter from her since
the day I got stabbed and nearly died.”

“Not possible,” Diego stated
firmly. “And I know this because she even asked me to mail one for you after
that happened, when she was running late for her shift at Joelle’s.”

“Well, I never got it. You’re
telling me that all of them got lost in the mail? Because that’s not possible
either.”

“Then you need to look into why
you’re not getting them from this end, because I know categorically that my
daughter still believed in what you had. Anyway, that’s why I’m here today. I really
thought that making you break her heart and push her away would make her stop
loving you. Like I said, I obviously didn’t know my daughter as well as I
thought then, because here we are, and she’s still as crazy about you as the
day you left.”

“Are you for real?” I asked
quietly, not sure I wanted to get my hopes up.

“Yes, I mean it, Nate. She’s
never gotten over you.”

“Why are you telling me this? How
does it help either of us?”

“Because the last letter she sent
last week, well, she told her mom and me about it this morning. She said that
she’d asked you for a sign that you still loved her because she was losing hope
after so long. She said … oh God, am I doing the right thing?” he sighed as he
ran his hands over his eyes.

“Don’t you dare stop now!” I
warned, leaning in. I’d spent the last year since I’d heard her voice on the
phone imagining that she’d moved on, that what we’d shared meant nothing to
her, and I’d been wrong? My palms felt clammy and my ribs were hurting my heart
was pounding so fast.

“You have no idea how hard this
is for me, Nate. If I don’t tell you, then I get to watch the man I’ve come to
love as a son suffer because he can’t let go of my daughter. If I do tell you,
and you do something about it, then I get to watch my daughter continue to suffer
without you until you’re released.”

“What the hell are you talking
about?! For God’s sake, stop talking in riddles,” I barked. I flexed my hands
up in an apology when one of the guards shot a look my way and moved closer.

“She gave you an ultimatum, Nate.
Contact her before the week’s out and let her know that she needs to keep waiting
for you, or she’d assume that you really didn’t love her and she’d move on.
This was last week. Like I said, I only found out this morning, and I’m worried
if you don’t call her, you may already be too late.”

“She’s found someone else?” I
choked on the words as I gave him an anguished look. I wasn’t stupid, she was
beautiful, smart, funny, compassionate, and loving. A girl like that would have
guys throwing themselves at her. I’d tried not to imagine her accepting one of
those offers, though. Hearing that it might become a reality more than stung.

“Yes, but … I’m not convinced
she’s in love with him. I think she loves him, deeply, but not the way a man and
woman should love each other. Not the way my wife and I do, the way you and Sky
did, or still do. But I think she’s worried about losing him too, if she
doesn’t accept his offer. Her life would be miserable if she lost him, as well
as getting no communication from you for the next seven years. But I think that
would be far worse a torture for her than if she lost him, but spent the next
seven years knowing that you still love her, that you have a future together when
you get out. And knowing my daughter now, the way I didn’t before, she
would
wait for you, Nate, but you’ve got to let her know she’s not living under a
false illusion.”

“Jesus Christ,” I groaned,
dropping my head into my forearms as my heart plummeted, realization setting in.
“It’s Josh, isn’t it? In fact, don’t answer that, I know it is. He’s loved her
for as long as I have, they’re best friends, they live together, they’ll have
bonded even more over missing me.”

“How did you know they were
living together?”

“She mentioned it in a letter.
Fuck!” I mumbled into my arms. What chance did a five-month relationship with
me over three years ago stand against them being together daily?

“I was half-expecting you to
cause a scene when you found out.”

“How can I?” I laughed, failing
to see the funny side of it though, as I slowly lifted my head to look at Diego.
“He’s been there for her when I couldn’t be. They were always close. I even told
her he was a better fit for her than I ever was, but for some crazy reason she
picked me!”

“I love Josh too, Nate, dearly, but
I don’t want this for him. A man deserves all of a woman, not just part of her.
I want better for him, and I want better for you and Sky, even if it’s going to
be a rough seven years ahead for both of you, for all of us. So, what are you
going to do about it?”

“I can’t do anything,” I
whispered sadly, the frail boundaries of my self-restraint on the verge of
collapsing. “I’m scared if I tell her how I really feel, if I acknowledge that
to her, she’s going to want to know why I haven’t been honest with her. But if
I tell her that I love her, and I hear her cry with happiness, it will make me
cave and I can’t cave. The minute I admit to her that I love her, I’m gonna
want to move mountains to get back to her and
I can’t
. I’ve got to stay
strong, I promised myself I’d stay strong.”

“Now you need to stop with the
riddles, son, and give me some answers, because I want the best for Sky, and
right or wrong, you’re it,” Diego snapped.

“Fuck!” I clasped my temples and
rocked myself back and forth as I fought a war in my head.

“
Nate.”
A shiver ran down
my spine to hear him plead in that tone, the same tone that used to make me
agree to anything when my name left her lips that way. How was he ever going to
understand why I couldn’t speak to her? She’d want the truth, she deserved the
truth, and I couldn’t give her that by any form of communication from this damn
place. In fact, I just couldn’t give it to her full stop. I was tired though, I
was so sick and tired of not being able to talk about it, to have someone
understand just how hard this was for me. I just wanted some empathy, some
sympathy and understanding. For someone to realize I wasn’t the bad guy here,
that I’d never deliberately hurt her. That was my one true flaw, I couldn’t
bear to see anyone I loved suffer. I slowly dropped my hands and lifted my gaze
to Diego’s confused one. He
was
like a father to me. I could trust him.

“You
swear
to me, on Sky’s
life, that you never share this with a living soul, that you’ll do nothing
about it, and it’s never discussed again,” I warned.

“I swear,” he nodded solemnly,
the look of puzzlement not leaving his face. “You can trust me.”

“Then you lean in fast to my left
to block the camera, because I’m about to whisper something that I’m never
gonna repeat.”

“Hey, Denny,” I yelled as I
stalked over to where he was on duty by the exit to the recreation yard. He
automatically adjusted his stance, back straight, shoulders back, muscles
bunching, and put his hand on his baton. Family friend he might have been, but
the saying “Never trust a con” was a wise one for a guy doing a job this
dangerous. I held up my hands to show him I came in peace, but stayed a safe
distance back so he’d know he wasn’t about to be jumped. “Those letters I was
talking to you about.”

“Still on that?” he sighed with a
shake of his head and a look of pity at me.

“Her father just visited and said
she’s still writing, he even posted one himself. There any guards here on the
take that have something to gain by withholding them?”

“I’m sure there are, but why you?
Who’d you piss off? Other than that incident, you’ve got a spotless record.”

“Yeah, you said something earlier
that clicked. You said ‘No one controls you but you.’ But that’s not true in
here, is it? You guys control us. Guards do. That day I got attacked, Boner
told me he had connections in here and threatened to have my letters kept from
me so he could blackmail me into sex for them.”

“Boner’s dead, no chance of him
messing with you.”

“I know that, but whichever guard
he had on the take probably isn’t. Maybe this is payback for a loss of income?
Maybe my letters are being held somewhere, so that whoever it is can try and
blackmail me one day. Not that I’ve got much income to pay anyone off. Can you
think of anyone Boner was tight with on the staff?”

“Yeah.” Denny slowly smiled with
a nod. “And I’ve had my eye on that prick for years. Shady fuck that I never
trusted, but I’ve never had anything to go on to take it further. Leave it with
me, kid. If he’s got your letters, you’ll be getting them back soon.”

I headed back up to my cell with
the first spring in my step in years. Being honest with Diego was a weight off
my shoulders, and knowing Sky still loved me and was still writing had filled
me with indescribable joy. I wasn’t exactly thrilled that my brother had
muscled in on her, and I tried not to imagine whether they’d taken it so far as
kissing, let alone …
No, don’t go there, Hudson
,
I warned myself
as my fists tightened and my muscles formed tight knots. I was disappointed in
him, but at the same time, I’d kind of expected it. What guy could hang around
a girl he loved for that long and not put the moves on her, brother’s
girlfriend or not? Hell, I probably would have done the same in his shoes, even
though I liked to think I was too honorable to ever do that to my own brother.

Plus I knew he loved her, and if
she was going to have someone else in her life, he’d treat her a hell of a lot
better than most guys. She’d be safe with him, probably even happy. But knowing
she’d held out for me for all of this time, I was also certain now that she’d
never love him the way that she loved me. Was Diego right? Was that a burden
Josh shouldn’t have to unknowingly bear? Against all odds, and in a complete
reversal of fortune, Diego wanted me for his daughter. The guy who’d only dated
her for a few months, the guy he hadn’t liked, the guy currently serving time.
He wanted me to fight for his daughter rather than let her pick Josh, the guy
who’d been by her side for the last few years, who loved her and would never
hurt her. Hell, if that didn’t tell me that he believed our love was so strong
we were fated to be together, nothing would.