Torn (57 page)

“You are
not
to blame for
this, Sky,” Pops warned, as I felt my bottom lip start to tremble. I could feel
my tears boiling behind my eyes, threatening to explode. I was not going to let
that happen. I was
not
going to cry! I hadn’t stayed so strong to this
point only to have a meltdown now. He crouched down and grabbed my hands as Mom’s
sobs in the background continued.

“I am to blame,” I whispered.

“No, you’re not. Nate’s mother
was a depressed alcoholic. Did you make her that way? No. Were you and Nate
selfish for wanting to spend time together? No. Did you ask Billy to molest
you, or Josh to shoot him? Did you cut the brakes on that car or force Josh to
pull that parking brake? No, no, no, and no. Life can be so hard and cruel
sometimes, and it’s thrown everything it has at you and Nate to test you. And
through that, against overwhelming odds, you both still loved each other. You
both
still
love each other.”

“I betrayed Nate!” I cried. “We
both did.”

“Nate doesn’t blame you, Sky, he
doesn’t blame either of you. He knew his silence would push the two of you
together, he even thought it was for the best, even though it was so painful
for him to try and let you go. But he didn’t. Despite his silence, despite
everything, he
still
loves you.”

“I agreed to be with Josh. I let
him kiss me, Pops. I really thought it was what I wanted.” I searched his eyes
as my chest rattled, needing him to forgive me. I just wanted someone to
forgive me. “As soon as he kissed me, I knew it wasn’t, that he’d never be what
Nate was to me, no matter how much I loved him. But he was so happy. He was
so
happy, Pops. Then Nate called, minutes later. He didn’t say anything, but he
was telling me to wait for him, I know he was. I had to choose, I had to choose
between breaking his heart or Josh’s, and I chose to break Nate’s. Then … then
we hit …” I gasped for air, closing my eyes for a moment as I tried to blink
away those excruciating memories of the last few minutes with him in the car.  “He
knew, Pops.
Josh knew
. He died knowing that I didn’t love him the way he
wanted me to.
Pops.
Why does it hurt so much? I don’t want it to hurt
anymore, please make it stop hurting,” I cried. I lost the fight. My strength
crumbled and my shoulders jerked as I began to sob. Hot, silky, painful tears
that coursed down my cheeks.

“Oh, Sky,” he choked, crushing me
to his chest as he held me and stroked my hair while I fell to pieces against
him. Months of pain, anger, and anguish fought to be released. “Let it go, let
it all go. It’s going to hurt. I can’t promise it will ever stop hurting, but I
can promise that slowly it won’t hurt quite as badly as the day before. And the
best way to deal with pain is to have the support and comfort of the people you
love around you. You used crutches for your broken legs until they healed
enough for you to walk. Let me be the crutch for your emotional pain. Me and
your mom, and Nate too. He needs the support just as much as you do right now.”

“I can’t see him, I can’t. Please
don’t make me see him,” I howled. I couldn’t bear this, the way the tears
burned as they slid down my cheeks. The white-hot anger boiled inside me,
firing up all of my nerve endings and making me feel. I hadn’t wanted to feel.

“He doesn’t blame you, Sky. He
knows he forced you into Josh’s arms. And I know that Josh wouldn’t blame you
either. He died thinking you loved him as a man, not as a brother.”

“But he didn’t,” I choked. Why
wouldn’t these damn tears stop?! I wanted them to stop. It was too painful. It
was so
painful
, but still they came. It was like I was trying to hold
back a tsunami with a sieve. Months of unshed tears were bound to force their
way through sooner or later. “He knew … he knew that I was still in love with
Nate.” My confession hurt so much. For poor Josh to die knowing that was too
much for me to bear.

“Can you imagine how loved he
would have felt in that moment then, sweetheart?” Mom’s voice said as I felt
her tuck up behind me on the bed. Pops let go of me and I quickly rolled over
into her arms, continuing to sob as I nestled into the crook of her neck. She
stroked my hair and spoke in a soft, calming voice. “His own brother loved him
so much he sacrificed himself for him. Then the woman he loved was prepared to
let go of the man she loved, just to make him happy. He died knowing that the
two people closest to him had given up everything to love and protect him.
There’s no greater proof of love than sacrifice, and you both gave him that,
and he gave it to you in return.”

“You really … believe that?” My
question was punctured by the gasps for air I had to make between the choking
sobs.

“Of course I do, sweetheart. I’m
a mother and I’d give up my life for yours in an instant, so would your father.
That’s what you do when you love someone more than you love yourself. Nate did
it for you and Josh. You did it for Josh, and Josh did it for you when he made
sure his side of the car took the full force of that crash. He didn’t sacrifice
himself so that you could spend the rest of
your
life punishing yourself.”

“Which is why you need to visit
Nate,” Pops added gently. I shook my head as I gulped down some calming breaths
of air. Mom was right, Josh would have hated for me to be so unhappy.

“I can’t,” I whispered, once I
finally managed to get myself under some sort of control. “How can I see him
after nearly four years, after his brother died, and not be allowed to throw my
arms around him, or him me in return? Do you have any idea how hard and painful
that would be? To sit across from each other and not be able to touch? Could
you and Mom do that if you lost me? To only be able to comfort each other with
words for a limited time period that someone set for you and decided how often
that could be?”

“No, I couldn’t,” Mom sighed,
kissing the top of my head.

“Ok, I see where you’re coming
from, and no, I couldn’t either. But you can write now, and call,” he
suggested.

I stayed silent and swallowed
hard as I clung to Mom’s back. I so wanted to hear Nate’s voice. I hadn’t heard
it since the day he’d said those horrible things to me in jail. I’d known he’d
been lying then, but they’d still hurt. How could we talk on the phone though?
To have to condense so much into a few minutes a day, if he was even allowed to
call that often. And how would it help him in there if he was upset or cried?
He’d already been targeted the once and nearly died. No, I couldn’t talk to
him, but I could carry on writing. I could pour out my feelings for him on
paper, like I had every month up to my accident. I could also apologize that
way, too. He could choose when to read them, in his own time. I took a deep
breath and let go of Mom and wiped my sore and swollen eyes.

“I want to see his letters.”

“Ok, I’ll go and get them and
make you something else to eat, as your sandwich has gotten cold. Diego, why
don’t we give her a bit of space, hey?” Mom suggested. She clasped my face and
kissed me before getting up and heading inside.

“Do you want some space? I can
wait here if you want,” Pops offered. I sat up and looked at him, still
crouched by my side, and reached for his hand. He smothered mine with his and
smiled.

“Thank you. It still hurts, but
you’re right, I need to let people help me, and you have.”

“You’ve got to tell us what you
need, sweetheart. We can’t make the right choices if you don’t talk to us.”

“I’d like to be on my own to read
them, but I promise to come inside and talk to you both after, ok?”

“Ok,” he agreed.

I curled up in bed, clutching my
toy as Mom kissed my forehead, turned off the light, and shut the door. I was
shattered, emotionally and physically. After reading Nate’s letters, I’d cried
again for over an hour, and I felt myself welling up now as I remembered his
words and declarations. Pops had called my therapist out as an emergency, and
we’d spoken briefly, with me promising to start communicating in future
sessions. He’d prescribed some sedatives to help me sleep and hopefully stop
the nightmares.

I reached out and touched the
pretty box on my bedside table, the one full of the letters Mom had hidden from
me. I felt comforted to have them so close, to know he was thinking of me, as I
lay here thinking of him. I had something to live for again, to fight for. I
didn’t care if it took a day, a month, a year, or a decade, for Nate to finally
be released. This time, nothing would shake my faith in us. Not even silence.
It was time to let my broken heart start healing again.

Nate

Mid-February

I held my hand up to shield my eyes as I
stepped outside, wearing the clothes I’d been wearing the day I was arrested.
Just like the suit Diego had dropped off for the funeral, then collected after,
nothing fit properly anymore. I’d built muscle to protect myself on the inside,
so the jeans were too tight around my thighs, the t-shirt cut into my biceps,
and my leather jacket was too snug. The only things that were comfortable were
my boxers and my old worn black boots.

“Nate.” Diego’s voice to my left
made me spin around, and we hesitated for a moment, habit from nearly four
years of having something between us, then we both stepped forward into each
other’s embrace, him clutching the back of my head. “I’m sorry it took so long
to get you out, son.”

“Don’t be, it’s still six years
earlier than I was expecting,” I confessed, my voice shaking with emotion just
to feel the physical comfort that I’d missed for so long. I was sure it was
going to take a while to sink in that I was actually free. I hadn’t wanted to
believe that it was really going to happen. I’d lied. I’d confessed to a crime
I didn’t commit, and had let someone who’d committed murder go free. By all
accounts, I could have faced more years for perjury. For once though, luck was
on my side. The judge felt that my original sentence had been harsh, and seeing
how I’d already served nearly four years, with a spotless record, no further
sentence was needed. The relief I’d felt had been indescribable.

“I need to ask you something
quickly before Yvette joins us,” Diego said quietly. “I asked her to give us a
moment, and there’s no easy way to ask this question,” he stated, not breaking
our embrace.

“Ask.”

“Did you … did you have sex while
you were in there? I need to know my daughter’s going to be safe.”

“Jesus,” I uttered. I hadn’t been
expecting that. “No, I promise,” I added, feeling his body relax as he let out
a deep breath.

“I’m glad to hear it, for both of
you, but I put some condoms on the back seat for you, just in case,” he added,
surprising me again.

“Well don’t hog him, Diego,”
Yvette’s voice scolded as she approached, making us both laugh after that
moment of awkwardness. We slapped each other on the back, and I reached up to
use my thumb and forefinger on the outer corner of each eye, sniffing to hold
back the release of emotion I wanted to shed. Before I had a second to breathe,
Sky’s mom was holding me tightly, sobbing. I gently hugged her back, Diego
smiling as I caught his eye over her shoulder. She’d accompanied him on some of
his visits over the years. I’d always had a sense that she was disappointed
that Sky wasn’t moving on with Josh, but I didn’t hold it against her. She just
wanted what was best for her daughter.

“Is she here?” I asked as my eyes
darted around, my heart beating fast at the thought of seeing her again.

“No,” Diego replied, his wife
nearly crushing me with her loving embrace and showing no signs of
relinquishing me. “We only got the call from the lawyer yesterday to say that
you’d be released today. We haven’t told her. We thought the suspense would be
too much.”

“She thinks we’ve come grocery
shopping, which of course we need to, as you’re going to need some proper
healthy meals in you again, Nate,” Yvette added as she finally let me go,
dabbing her eyes with a tissue.

“She’s still living with you?
She’s not back at the loft?” I asked, feeling puzzled. “I thought she was back
on her feet.”

“Physically, yes,” Diego
confirmed with a slight nod, then sighed and shook his head, wiping his palm
down his face. “Emotionally, she’s still healing. She’s still having nightmares
and she wasn’t ready to face going back there. We’ll drop you off at our place,
you know you’re welcome to stay as long as you want. She doesn’t start her job
for another three weeks.”

 “And we thought you might need
some time alone,” Yvette added with a gentle smile. “We’ve booked ourselves a
couple of nights away at The Vegas Domville to give you some space. But we’ll
come back immediately if you need us. No one expects the two of you to just
sink back into that comfortable relationship you were in.” Her words echoed the
fear I had.

“I left your car at the loft,
son. I didn’t want to ruin the surprise for her.”

“I don’t …” I blew out a deep
breath, not sure how to vocalize the gratitude I felt toward this family. “How
can I ever repay you for what you’ve done for me, and for Josh, over the years?”
I held Diego’s gaze, wanting him to see how sincere I was. He reached out and
squeezed my shoulder.

“Just make our daughter smile
again. That’s all the thanks we need.”

“And I’ll do my best to make that
happen, but I owe you financially too. I’m not sure what’s left of my share of
Ma’s house and I–”

“Nate, stop,” Diego interrupted.
“You don’t need to worry about money. The car manufacturer is about to make a
massive settlement to Sky, and to Josh’s estate, which means as his next of
kin, it will come to you. The evidence Josh left meant that the lawyer didn’t
have to fight too hard for your sentence to be overturned. It was just a matter
of following all the regulatory processes, filing paperwork, etc. The bill
wasn’t as high as it could have been, but we’d sure appreciate some help toward
it when you get your settlement. Fair?”

“More than fair,” I confirmed,
giving him a grateful smile.

“Come on, I’ve seen enough of
this damn place to last me a lifetime, and I was on the outside. Let’s get you
out of here,” he urged, tossing his arm around my shoulders. Yvette hooked her
arm through mine and I happily walked away without looking back.

“Ok, there’s champagne and beer
in the refrigerator, and Yvette’s made a chicken and bacon casserole for you
both. Help yourself to whatever you want. You feeling ok? You look kind of pale,”
Diego asked as he pulled up on the driveway.

“Nervous,” I croaked, my mouth
feeling dry and my palms clammy. One door was all that was separating me from
her now. “It’s slowly sinking in that I’m actually free, that I have a life
again.”

“And when she sees you, I hope
she’ll get hers back, too. Don’t keep her waiting, go,” urged Yvette, tears
rolling down her cheeks as she looked over her shoulder at me.

I nodded and opened the car door,
then jumped out and shut it, giving them both a grateful nod as they drove off.
I took a moment, just breathing in the fresh air, looking at the door that I’d
knocked on so many times when coming to see her. I slipped my hands into my
jeans, pulling out the key that they’d given me. My hands were shaking as I put
it into the lock and turned it.

I stepped inside and closed the
door behind me, hardly able to breathe as I saw her standing with her back to
me at the kitchen island, chopping up some watermelon. All that time in prison,
when I felt like my heart had flatlined, and now it was racing so fast medics
would be rushing to me with a crash cart if they could hear it. I was amazed
that she hadn’t. She was wearing some loose black yoga pants that still hugged
the gorgeous curves of that ass of hers I’d loved so much and a fluffy cream sweater.
Her beautiful hair was shorter than it had been, but it was like time had
frozen as I stood there watching her, all the blood in my body racing straight
to my cock, just like it had the first time I’d seen her.

“You’ve been gone a long time,”
she called, that soft and sexy voice I’d missed so much like music to my ears
after so long, but I recognized the sound of pain in it as well. She wasn’t
herself. Would either of us ever be?

“Far too long,” I agreed. She
froze, the sound of her breath catching in her throat almost making me choke.
She slowly put down the knife she was holding and palmed the brown granite
countertop of the island.

“Nate?” she whispered. “Is that
really you?” Her voice and body were trembling, and I closed my eyes for a moment,
drowning in the hope that resonated in her timbre, too.

“Turn around and see for yourself,”
I called, itching to stride across to her and haul her into my arms, but not
wanting to freak her out. Words on paper had meant everything when I had
nothing else to go on. But right now she was tangible, and I wanted to see her
love and need for me in her eyes. Something I’d craved from the moment she’d
reluctantly walked away from me in jail.

“I’m scared to, in case you’re
not real, in case I’m imagining it,” she replied.

“Turn around, Sky,” I demanded,
digging my fingers into my palms, the tension in my body reaching new heights.
My need for her was about to suffocate me. She moved slowly, and it was like
watching a priceless diamond turning in a display case, different facets of her
body and face blinding me. My chest was heaving as I struggled to breathe, the
love I still had for her after all of this time threatening to envelop me. The
moment her brown eyes locked with my green ones and she gasped, her hands
flying to those soft lips of hers that I so badly wanted to crush, I saw it.
The green light that I’d been waiting for. Her love for me was still written
all over her face.

“
Nate,”
she cried, her eyes
filling with tears as I blinked back my own. Seconds later, we were running
toward each other. Toward our future.

Sky

I was on the verge of
hyperventilating as I slowly turned to face him, still not sure that my ears
weren’t playing tricks on me. His sexy voice, while deeper and more gravelly,
was unmistakable and played my body like a harp, tuning it up, coaxing
reactions from it, without him even touching me. When I finally faced him, I
gasped, my hands flying to my mouth as tears prickled my eyes.

“
Nate.”

He was here, he was really here,
and as handsome as the day I’d met him. His brown hair was tightly cropped, his
green eyes still as breathtaking, but I could see the pain buried deep inside
them and it made my heart hurt to know he’d suffered just as much as I had. I
wouldn’t have wished that kind of pain on my worst enemy. His jaw looked more
square and masculine than the most recent pictures I had of him from his twenty-first
birthday. And his body. It needed to come with a health warning. My Ace had
been athletically toned, lean and beautiful. Now he was broad and muscular,
with the build of a street fighter. One thing hadn’t changed though, the heat
that flowed through my body as we gazed at each other, the
need
for him
and the love that I could see reflected for me. Four years,
four years
and it still hadn’t died.

I found my courage and ran toward
him as he did the same. Seconds later I was sobbing, my arms tightly around his
neck and my legs around his waist, as I let go of all the years of pain of
being separated from him. He was back. Here. Where he belonged. With me. He
cradled the back of my head, his other hand palming my butt as he held me up,
his lips running over my hair again and again as he soothed me. For the first
time in my life, I was crying tears of happiness. I was back in his arms,
feeling his strong body against mine, hard and warm, even better than I’d
remembered.

“Nate, I need to apol–” I
whimpered, but he cut me off.

“Sssshhhh, not now. We can talk
later, we have the rest of our lives to talk, Sky. Right now, I need you, baby.
I need my girl. You’re still my girl, right?”