CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
TANNER
My face hurts.
I curse at my reflection in the mirror as I swivel my head, examining the red handprint across my cheek. That’ll be sticking around for the rest of the day. I should wear a sign telling people not to touch the face. It’s my best feature. That and my abs. But somehow girls never slap those.
Is it my fault I didn’t recognize Ellen—Ellie—something when I ran into her outside the Sciences building? It was dark in the club that night we hooked up, damn it. I tried to explain politely that I hadn’t called because I was busy accepting the fact that my childhood love would never want to be with me, but that didn’t go over too well either.
Sigh.
I’m trying to gauge how much May would mock me if I asked to borrow her concealer, just to hide this stupid red mark for the night. It’s already eight o’ clock. I haven’t heard from her since breakfast. She’s probably off with Mr. Perfect Cheekbones.
Whatever. As long as she’s happy.
There’s a knock at my door. Definitely not May—she bangs with her fist like a three-year-old. I wince opening it, half-expecting Ellen come back for Round Two, but it’s the person I least expect in the world to be standing alone in front of my dorm room. Sebastian.
“I need your help,” he says.
My first instinct is to say “Too bad” and slam the door in his face. But I told May I would be nice. I open the door wider. “Sorry, I don’t have any hair gel.”
Well, kind of nice.
He snorts and pushes past me, into my room. My hackles rise. God, this guy rubs me the wrong way. “What do you want?”
He turns to me. At least his expression isn’t confrontational. The guy just looks tired. “I’m leaving.”
“Leaving where?”
I realize that a couple of my—private—magazines are scattered on the floor, and I kick them under my bed. But he doesn’t notice.
“School,” he says. “The state.”
Something in my chest sinks. He’s come to tell me that he and May are taking some awesome rich-boy trip, come to brag about it. “Well, have a great fucking time. Bring sunscreen for May, she burns like toast.”
Confusion breaks through the weary glaze in his eyes. “May’s not coming with me. That’s the point.”
“Why?” I’m always slow to catch on. “You’re leaving her?”
His fists clench and unclench. “I have no choice.”
“How long will you be gone?” I notice how awful he really looks—like he’s got a weight on his shoulders the size of the country. But at least he looks resolved, not defeated.
“Forever,” he says tersely. “I’m not coming back here.”
“And how does May feel about that?” I’m getting pissed now. May’s head over heels for this idiot—I can admit it—and he’s running away? “You know she’s crazy about you. Not my fault she has shitty taste, but she is.” I step forward, breathing through my nose. “You break her heart and I’ll break something of yours. Maybe your face.”
“I’d deserve that,” he says.
It’s pretty hard to punch a guy who says something like that so dully. I grit my teeth. “Why are you doing this?”
“She’s in danger because of me.”
He straightens, like he’s trying to face the truth. I can’t even look at the pain that flickers across his face. I gaze at the wall over his shoulder instead. “As long as she’s with me, powerful people will want to hurt her. But if I’m gone, they won’t think twice about her. It’s the only way she’ll stay safe.”
“Nice joke. But I already figured out that James Bond movies don’t happen in real life.” I snicker, but his face doesn’t change.
“My father is a dangerous man. He wants May hurt for being with me. That’s why I’m doing this.” He swallows. “It’s safer for everyone.”
I stare at him, still not certain if I believe him. “Yeah, but it’s May.
She’ll find you. She’ll smack you around for ditching her and then she’ll never let you out of her sight.”
“Nobody’s going to find me. Not May. Not my father.” He smiles sardonically. “I’m disappearing.
Trust me, I have enough money to do it well.”
Now I believe him. And now I’m angry.
“So you jet into May’s life just enough to get her to fall for you. Then you put her in danger and abandon her? Are you fucking kidding me?”
He steps forward, his words leaving him in
a low growl. “I never wanted this.”
We’re face to face, the testosterone in the room crackling. “
Then you shouldn’t have started it.”
He wrenches away, his voice ragged. “She saved my life the first day we met. But that wasn’t the end of it. She’s saved me every day since then. Now it’s my turn to save her.”
“She’s not going to see it that way.” As quickly as my desire to punch him into a bloody pulp appeared, it vanishes. I’ve never seen someone look so tormented. I just feel sorry for him.
“That’s why I need you.” He clears his throat. “I need you to be there for her. That’s it. And to give her this.”
He hands me a sealed envelope. I hesitate, then take it. “Where are you gonna go?”
“Somewhere far.” He nods at the envelope. “Thank you.”
“Uh, welcome,” I say. He turns toward the door. A stupid stab of guilt rams me. “Listen, I’m sorry about—this. What you have to do. And you should know that you really do make May happy. Uh. Did.”
The first sliver of genuine happiness I’ve seen in him crosses his expression. “
I appreciate that.”
Then he’s gone.
SEBASTIAN
I’m starting to realize what my father meant when he said love was weakness. It’s not the love itself that’s the problem. It’s when you lose it.
It really fucking hurts.
But I’m used to pain. And I’d experience this ten times over to save May from the million ways my father could destroy her. It doesn’t matter if I feel empty, like under my ribs there’s nothing like a dark hole. It doesn’t matter if I keep wondering if this could kill a person.
But it’s never killed me before.
I have a private account that my mom left me in her will. My father can’t touch it. It’s more than enough to cover what I left May in the envelope as well as enough to buy me a new identity, a new life.
I can find a way to live without her. It doesn’t matter what it feels like. I repeat that all the way down the stairs.
I have no bags. I can buy new clothes. I like the feeling of having nothing to carry. Nothing to bring with me. It makes it feel more like I’m leaving everything behind.
Everything.
I walk a short distance away from the school to meet my cab. This school that held nothing but loneliness for me, before she came. There’s only one person in it that I’ll miss.
It doesn’t matter what it feels like.
The cab is idling by the corner of a closed café. Nobody in the streets to see me. I approach it, about to get in the backseat when the driver steps out of the car, surprising me.
“Any bags, sir?” he asks.
“None.” I turn—all I want is to get in, to leave, to get it over with—but in my peripheral vision, I see him pull something from behind his back. He’s faster than me. Much faster.
A blinding pain against my temple, a loud crack, and the darkness eats me alive.
MAY
May—
I guess I’ve known since the moment I fell for you that I would have to write this letter. That’s why I found so hard to keep you away from me. I never wanted you to have to go through this.
But you’re right. You’re damn persistent. You’re a lot of things, actually. Beautiful. Caring. Brave. Each of those things is one of the reasons why I wasn’t strong enough to keep my distance, like I should have. Don’t worry. I won’t let you be the one punished for my mistakes.
I’ll just say it: you won’t see me again. I lied to you when I said my father would let this go. He never lets anything go. He’ll make your life hell unless he’s sure I’m no longer in it.
I know you’ll hate me for this. I understand. Hate me all you need to. But this is the closest I can come to paying the debt I owe you.
I’ve also set your mom up with an account to help both of you. It’ll be activated soon, and she’ll be notified. Don’t be concerned about the amount. It’s nothing to me, and like I said, I kind of owe you.
I wanted to thank you. And to tell you that I won’t become the person I was before I met you again. And to say that I love you, though you’re probably tearing this letter into pieces right about me.
Don’t look for me. You won’t find me.
Always yours,
Sebastian
“I do hate you,” I say. It’s more of a sob, if I’m honest. I crumple the paper into a tiny ball and hurl it at my closet door. “I do fucking hate you. You were right about that.”
Opal
’s not here, which is awesome, because she’s probably call the cops if she saw me stand up and kick my dresser so hard that the wood on one side splinters. My eyes are burning as they find the piece of paper on the floor.
“You stupid—fucking—” I’m so angry I can hardly catch my breath. I grab the paper, intending to tear it to shreds, but instead I smooth it out and hold it to my forehead, almost unconsciously. Fuck.
I’m considering running to his dorm room, just in case, but I know there’s no point. I wouldn’t have this letter unless he was already gone.
Tanner knocks on my door. I’d kicked him into the hallway so I could read the letter by myself, which I knew would be bad as soon as I saw Tanner’s expression. Now the anger hardens against my spine. I hurl the door open. “When did he give this to you?”
He looks unsure whether or not to back away from my obvious fury or reach out because of the tears on my cheeks. “May, he said you were in danger—”
“You’re gonna be in danger if you don’t tell me exactly
when
he gave you this note.” I advance into the hall, the ball of paper crushed in my fist. Tanner takes a couple steps backwards.
“A few hours ago, okay? I thought it was best if I waited—” He cuts himself off.
I hear myself hissing like steam from a pipe. “Waited until he had time to get on one of his jets and disappear? Waited until I wouldn’t be able to chase him down?” More tears threaten me, but I’m too enraged to let them spill. “Tanner, what the hell?”
“He said you were in danger,” he repeats dumbly.
“I don’t care! You’re my friend, you should have come to me first! Sebastian’s an idiot, he always thinks he has to face things on his own.” Now I definitely can’t stop myself from crying. I’m furious at myself and Tanner and Sebastian all at once. “Now he’s alone again. For God knows how long.”
When it’s more obvious that I’m not going to hit him, Ta
nner inches forward far enough to wrap his arms around me. I hate that I need to be hugged right now, but I do. I let it happen. I picture Sebastian’s smile, surprisingly soft but with that hint of arrogance, and I feel like kicking another dresser.
And also like I might fly into pieces.
He was supposed to trust me. I was supposed to be able to help him. I know him. I should have known he’d do something like this. I should have stopped him, found a way to head him off. But I wanted to believe it was all going to work out.
I’m so stupid.
“Look,” says Tanner awkwardly. “He seemed really torn up about going. I don’t think he left because he didn’t care about you.”
“I know that.” I’m not upset because he doesn’t care. I know he cares. I’m upset because he’s sacrificing himself again, and I wasn’t supposed to let that happen anymore. But I can’t s
ay that to Tanner. “He’s just an idiot is all.”
“Which I’ve been saying all along,” he points out, but shuts up when I glare at him.
I picture Sebastian alone on the plane, and then in some new place, foreign and exotic, where he won’t talk to anyone because he won’t want anyone to start digging, to find out who he really is.
“The swim team’s going to be totally screwed,” I say weakly.
Tanner winces. “There goes our championship.”
I put my hand to my forehead. I feel dizzy and tired. “I think I need to be alone for a while.”
Tanner, looking slightly agonized, steps back. “Okay. But tell me if you need everything. And—May, I’m really sorry it came out like this.”
I muster a smile. “Just be sorry for yourself. I’m still pissed at you.”
He holds his hands up in mock fear. “Right. I’ll go buy my bulletproof vest. Seriously, though—text me. For anything.”
Once Tanner’s gone, I start walking. I’m not even sure where I’m headed until I feel sand
shifting under my flipflops. The ocean stretches before me like a silk curtain being shaken out, black-blue and endless. It’s a lovely night. At the far end of the beach, there’s a crackle of fire and the dim noises of students celebrating the near-end of the semester.
I thought romances were supposed to be the other way around—the girl pulling away, the guy chasing her until she finally gives in. Instead it’s been me fighting for Sebastian every step of the way, him always on the edge of withdrawing completely.