Totem (20 page)

              The truth is I only have eyes for Ty. He has captivated me in a way that I have never been captivated before.  Not only that, I feel no threat with Jake in my bed. Jake is a friend. Friends fall into an entirely different category in my book and rarely do the categories ever change. Poor Jake has entered the friend zone way before he ever had a shot. I let out a sigh resolving my inner conflict and crack open the beer in my hand. I take a swig and watch the movie still all too aware of the sleepy feeling still left from my nap.

              Within a few minutes, the movie is over and Michelle is hopping out of her bed to go change the DVD. Daniel hops up to help her. Michelle gives him a flirtatious smile as he leans in extra close to her.

              “Well, this has been fun.” Andrew begins crawling out of the bed. “But I need to go finish my homework. Thanks for the beer. I’ll see you two boo’s later.”

              I shoot Andrew my scrutinizing squinty eyes as he walks across the room. I know full well he doesn’t do his homework. He is just looking for a way out of the room. He flashes me a devious smile as he reaches for the door knob. I know he is just leaving because he feels like the fifth wheel, but he is definitely my safety net in this situation. He gives me a ‘thumbs up’ as he closes the door leaving us alone on what has now turned into a double date with drinks and a movie. Mentally I remind myself to get back at Andrew later. I chug the rest of my beer hoping it will calm my nerves.

              “Want another?” Jake asks.

              “Yes, please.” I smile.

              Jake takes the empty can from my hand. He hops off the bed and walks over to the trashcan to throw it away. Without words, he points to Daniel and Michelle who both signal they are ready for another beer. He hands them each another one as he grabs one for me and himself. Like a true gentleman, he opens my beer before handing it to me. I thank him as I take a swig. Not like a gentleman, he hops into the bed landing close to me so that our legs touch. I feel my heart begin to pick up as my skin registers the contact points. I look at Jake and he has on a dimple filled smile of innocence. I shrug off the hormones that begin to rise up from inside me.

              This is Jake here. I think to myself. He is just a friend. This is all just innocent friend-like gestures. Michelle and I sit this close all the time.

              I take another big swig of beer as the movie flicks on. Michelle and Daniel both hop up into her bed. I glance over at the two of them. Daniel places an arm around Michelle. She nuzzles into his chest looking very comfortable and happy in the little nook that has formed for her. I am happy for her. This is what she wants which is for Daniel to appreciate her. I wonder if he knows about all the other guys she goes on dates with.
I shrug the thought off. He hasn’t committed to her. She is free to date whomever she pleases. I’m sure he does the same. I turn my attention back to the movie. In true guy form, it is an action packed movie. I usually love a good ass kicking movie but for some reason I am not feeling it. I am more in the mood for a hopeless romantic type of flick. Perhaps it is the absence of Ty that makes me long for romance. I let out an audible sigh.

              “Tired?” Jake asks.

              I look into his eyes and smile. He is really a great guy and a good friend. It’s just hard for me to decipher and separate the guys that are here to be genuine friends and the ones who are looking to hook up. I am pretty sure Jake is the friend type.

              “Yeah,” I reply. “I did a lot of studying today. I think I’m mentally drained right now.”                           

              “Do you need some space to lie down?”

              “Eh,” I shrug. “I’ll be fine.”

              Jake moves all the way to the corner of my bed. He lifts the pillow up and places it on his lap. Using the same welcoming gestures I used to invite him up onto the bed, Jake invites me to lay my head on the pillow. The mix of mental fatigue and alcohol makes me all too aware of how tired I am. I give in to Jake’s offer and place my head on the pillow. I pull my throw blanket over my body as I lay down. Jake begins to run his fingers through my hair. The sensation takes me back to when I was a kid and used to lay my head on my mom’s lap. She would run her hand through my hair the same way. It made me miss her, yet it also comforted me. Not even the sounds of explosions from the action film could keep me awake. Slowly my heavy eye lids get heavier and I begin to fall asleep.

              I fight it every step of the way. It is rude to fall sleep with company over, especially company that I haven’t seen in a while. I slip in and out of consciousness. Staying awake has become a hard battle to fight. The second time I jerk awake, I give a quick look over to Michelle’s bed. She and Daniel are deep into a make out session. I shake my head as I look at them. I hear Jake let out a chuckle. I look up at him. He better not get the wrong idea.

              I smile back at him and then redirect my gaze to the television. This is the perfect set up for a couples make out session. If it were any given circumstance in a world where I had not met Ty then I would be all about it. However, trying to add another guy into my life romantically would be like finding two yolks in one egg. It wouldn’t be impossible, but it would be extremely rare. It would be so rare that, like the two yolk egg, I probably will never experience it. I take a deep sigh and close my eyes this time faking sleep.  Eventually, the movie is over and Daniel gets up to shut it off. He hops back into bed as Michelle switches on the television and begins flipping through the channels. I am exhausted. Not caring about our guests, I begin getting ready for bed. I grab my night clothes and walk into the bathroom.

              I brush my teeth. Then I wash my face. I stare at myself in the mirror. I have bags under my eyes and a sleepy look on my face. I am wiped out and ready to go to bed. I walk back into the room. Jake has risen from my bed and is standing in the middle of the room. He has also flicked on the lights. I assume that is his signal for Daniel to leave with him.

              “I think I am going to head out for the night.” says Jake. “I need to head home and finish some work for class tomorrow.”

              “Sorry, I’m such a party pooper.” I smile. “I guess it’s just one of those nights.”

              “No problem. We will just have to get you to party another night.”

              His all too adorable dimples make an appearance as a huge smile crosses his face. His eyes flit down to my tank top and shorts. Relief washes over me. I am very grateful he has decided to head out and not try to put the moves on me.

              “Are you going to head out as well?”

              Jake turns the questions towards Daniel who is looking all too cozy in Michelle’s bed. I cannot help but smile at the two of them. They are very cute together. They look like they belong together. Their looks and their mannerisms complement each other. Quickly my mind shoots to me and Ty. My light blond hair, blue eyes and pale skin is in complete contrast to Ty’s dark skin, black hair and brown eyes. We are opposites in looks. Perhaps the only features we share are athletic bodies. I however do not have as athletic a body as Ty. He is built like a Greek god. Quickly I push these unpleasant thoughts out of my mind as I wait for Daniel’s response to Jake.

              “I guess I should probably get back to studying.” Daniel finally responds.

              Michelle gives him a flirty pouty face to show her disapproval. Daniel smiles as he leans in and kisses it away. Then he hops out of bed only to turn around and give her a lingering hug. I avert my eyes feeling like a voyeur looking in on a private moment.  My eyes meet Jake’s and I can tell his thoughts are the same. I give him another smile. I don’t know why, but I can’t help but just to smile at Jake. He is just a happy person that makes others want to be happy.

              “So are you down to go out this upcoming weekend or are you going to be a party pooper?” Jake asks.

              “I don’t know.” I respond. “It depends on if I don’t have anything better to do.”

              “How could I talk you into coming out with us?”

              “Don’t use the word party pooper.” I say.

              “Fair enough,” replies Jake with a laugh.

              Quickly he leans in catching me completely off guard and lands a kiss on the corner of my lips. His lips mold to mine as he lingers there longer than a friend should linger with a kiss. Finally, after what seems like infinity and a half, he pulls me into a hug giving me time to adjust the surprise look on my face. I smile weakly as he pulls away.

              “Well, I guess I will see you tomorrow.”

              Jake’s words are shaky as he gives me a smile that does not reach his dimples. The mood between us has shifted. It is awkward and I can tell Jake is regretting his kiss. I smile awkwardly back at him only fueling the uneasy mood that has risen between us.

              “Yes.” I reply. “I will see you tomorrow.”

              My response lulls the mood for one brief second giving Jake time to escape. He waves at us as he makes a hasty exit leaving me stunned. He didn’t even wait for Daniel. It was a drive-by kissing and the stray bullet had hit me leaving me paralyzed. Daniel on the other hand thought it was funny. He let out a small laugh as he leans in and gives Michelle one more kiss. Then, he walks towards me and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

              “Good night, ladies.” He says as he exits the room.

              “Good night.” I say as I close the door behind him.

              I look over at Michelle who smiles back at me amused. She wants to comment on the kiss. I can see it written all over her face. I shake my head at her not to say anything. She still has her devilish smile on her face as I turn off the lights. I quickly hop into bed before Michelle can comment and pull the covers over my face. Within minutes I hear a low taunting song rising through the darkness from Michelle’s bed.

              “Kimber and Jake sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First, comes love. Then,..”

              Before Michelle can finish her song I fling my giant pillow hitting her square in the face. She lets out a laugh that fills the dark room. I sit up trying to look stern but a smile comes over my face. Luckily it is hidden in the dark.

              “Jake is kind of cute.” states Michelle.

              “Yea, but I am not into him like that.”

              “I think you could be if it weren’t for another tall, dark, and handsome guy.”

              I say nothing. Michelle might be right. It is a possibility that has been running through my head the whole night. With Ty missing from my life these past two weeks, I cannot help but to question things. My mind cannot help but to wonder through the possibilities. If there was no Ty, would I fall for Jake? I don’t think it would be the instantaneous attraction I have with Ty. It would be a type of attraction that grows from getting to genuinely know the person. It would be a type of love fostered from friendship. An even deeper looming question comes to mind; would I still be alive if I had not met Ty? It was that one fateful night that truly brought us together and pushed our relationship to another level. I shudder as I think about the possibilities of him not being there to rescue me. I quickly eject the thought from my mind before I take it to a dark place.

              “Just give me my pillow back.” I state.

              Michelle throws my pillow back at me with just as much force as I threw at her before hopping out of bed to go brush her teeth. I fluff the pillow and place it behind my head. I lie there staring at the ceiling frustrated. Only minutes ago before Jake’s unwelcomed kiss, I was ready to go to sleep. Now my mind will not shut off. I try to push all the thoughts out and make it completely blank, but my efforts are pointless. The wheels have started the locomotion in my mind and I am lost in my thoughts for the next hour.

              I sit on the cool gym floor
waiting for soccer and volleyball class to begin. My mind is clear yet my body aches. There is still no word from Ty and it seems Jake has been avoiding me since our awkward parting this past Sunday. The whole thing sends my mind reeling. Sometimes life is just full of little dramas. In these cases, it is causing me to linger on things I would rather not linger on. Thought after thought runs through my mind causing it to spiral out of control, but I found a way to cope.  The only way I knew how was through exercise. Any little free time I could get I spent working out at the gym or running. Monday was a long run early in the morning. Tuesday was elliptical and weights in the afternoon. Then Wednesday was both. Now I sit on the floor waiting for class to begin. A dull ache from my muscles calls out to me but it is a good pain. It is the rebuilding and strengthening of my body. It is muscles being pushed to their limits then being torn down. When they rebuild, they will be stronger.

              What takes more time to rebuild is the pain that cannot be seen. It is not hearing from someone you like. That type of pain can eat away at you and leave scars. The pain that hurts the most is the thought that I might never see or speak to Ty again. My fear seems irrational. Whatever has taken him away from me will have to let him come back. True to Ty’s word the vampire has not attacked me again. Nor have I seen him or felt an eerie since that I am being watched. Of course, I have been following Ty’s orders. I have been staying in big groups and limiting my time out after dark, but that has been trying. The days grow shorter and shorter as autumn creeps closer to winter and I can’t continue fitting my schedule into everyone else’s. The semester has been going by relatively fast. One more week of volleyball class and we switch to soccer outside. I am looking forward to starting soccer. It is a sport that I have been playing since I was seven and it is a sport that I love.

              I watch the door as people begin to filter in for class. Unintentionally, I feel myself holding my breath in anticipation of seeing Ty walk through the door. Maybe today is the day that he comes back and for whatever reason, he could not call me. There I sit patiently waiting. Time passes slowly in this brief moment when my hopes are high only to speed back up again when class starts without Ty. I stand up to join my class.

              “You were looking for Ty weren’t you?” Michelle asks in a low voice only audible to me.

              “Yes,” I respond.

              “You haven’t heard from him?”

              “No.”

              A lump in my throat begins to rise. The corners of my eyes feel hotter. No doubt from the tears that are forming and threatening to flow out. I stare straight ahead at a blank wall. All my energy fixes in finding a pattern in the scuffed up white bricks in front of me. The teacher babbles on mindlessly.

              This is stupid, I think to myself. You cannot cry over a guy who you have only known briefly. You need to live your life.

              My inner self is giving my external self a pep talk. It works. The lump slowly shrinks as the hot sensation in the corner of my eyes disappears. This is not the end of the world, but why did I feel like it was? Maybe I am about to start my period. I always get a little hormonal right before my period. I roll my eyes at myself. When I was younger, I did not recognize the affects hormones played on a person. I was that moody little fourteen-year-old who probably came across as the biggest brat ever. As I got older and read up more on the subject, I came to recognize the differences. There is a difference between being upset at a situation with just cause and being upset because you have an influx of hormones. Although my situation is not ideal, there are a lot of things that are great in my life right now.

              My grades are great. I am getting back into shape. I have incredible support from Michelle and I have a family who loves me. I have a family who loves me so much they sent me to college to better myself. No amount of sulking after a boy is going to change those facts. I sigh deeply and loudly causing Michelle to smile at me.

              “Feel better?”

              I smile back at her. Some of our classmates turn and give us a weird look and by some students, I mean Evan. I can’t wait until soccer. I have a feeling he isn’t very good at it. This will give me an advantage over him. All I can say is payback is a bitch. The thought of pegging him with a soccer ball brings a smile to my face.

              “So are we on for going out tomorrow night?”

              Michelle says it loud enough for everyone around us to hear. She is in one of those flaunting moods where she shows off how great her life is. Is this pride? Probably, but we are young and now is the time to be fools. I can’t help but to smile at this thought.

              “Heck yeah.” I respond. “I could really use a drink… or five.”

              Michelle’s eyes get slightly wider. Although she knows I like to drink, she has never heard me flat out express that I need a drink. She looks at me inquisitively.

              “Daniel invited us out tomorrow night.” says Michelle.

              “Does that include Jake?”

              “Yes,” responds Michelle.

              “Great.” I say not very enthused by the idea.

              “You don’t want him to try and kiss you again?” Michelle has a sly smile on her face.

              “Not really.” I reply.

              “Why not? He is a cute guy!”

              “Well, there is this other guy that I’m really interested in…” I say with sarcasm oozing all over my words. Michelle rolls her eyes.

              “You know, you two have not discussed exclusivity with each other. Plus, where is he now? Have you heard from him yet? Changing subject quickly! But what is so bad about Jake?”

              “Nothing really. I think he is cute and I love how nice he is, but I don’t know if I can like him like that.”

              It is a tough thing to explain. Jake is a great guy that any girl should fall for, but something inside of me makes me feel like it is not right. It actually feels kind of strange.

              “You know you just added more positive data to my theory.” Michelle states as she reflects on some unspoken thought.

              “And what theory is that?”

              “Girls like guys who are jerks.”

              “What?”

              “I’m not saying that Ty is a jerk, but he mysteriously disappears. He is quiet. He has that bad boy look and it drives you crazy. It makes you want him. Jake is the nice guy. He is the lovable guy but that is not what women want. Women want a guy that can dominate them.

              Take me for example, I go on dates with all these guys, but all I want is a guy like Daniel. He is unattainable. He obviously is too busy to fit me completely into his schedule and can’t commit. Not only that, but he made a move on the first date. Who does that?! Yet, I like this. Let’s face it. Girls need a guy who can be a bit of an asshole.”

              “Are you ladies done being chatty Kathy’s? We got some volleyball to play!”

              My eyes tear away from Michelle and land on the one singular person that I dislike completely right now. Evan grins down at us through perfectly white teeth. I roll my eyes at him.

              “First off, who uses the phrase ‘Chatty Kathy’s’? Second, butt out of our conversation!” Michelle yells.

              “Whatever, you two are on my team. Hit the court whenever you are done.”

              With those final words, Evan runs onto the court away from us. I give Michelle an exasperated look that she returns.

              “I fully intend to hit him with a ball every day when we play soccer.” I state.

              Michelle lets out a laugh.

              “Oh and if your theory is correct, that will mean all girls want to date Evan.” I reply. “And that is one asshole I will not be dating.”

              “I’ll revise my theory with limitations on how big an asshole a girl is willing to date just for you, Kimber.”

             
“Daniel and Jake ask us to meet them out in the quarter.
They had some fraternity business to attend to.” Michelle comments as she flat irons her hair straight.

              “Are you ok with driving?”

              I feel bad always asking Michelle to drive, but my car is an embarrassment. I love it, but it is over ten years old and in the shape of a boat. Luckily, I have Michelle. She and I are always together anyway. I offer to drive her car every once in a while, but she is so short that she had to make permanent alterations to her driver’s seat just so she can drive. I tried to drive it once, but my knees barely fit under the steering wheel. Not just that, but the lack of room makes working the pedals impossible!

              “I am fine with driving.” Michelle replies.

              I give Michelle an appreciative smile through the mirror. I check my hair and makeup one more time before heading out of the bathroom to pick out a pair of shoes. We will be doing a lot of walking so flats are probably the best option.

             
We decide to park in the pay lot
behind Jax Brewery. It is not our first choice to pay for parking but after an hour of driving around the French Quarter looking for a spot, we decide it best just to pay and park. I look at the clock on the dashboard. It reads 10:30. I look out the window. A group of young people about our age are beginning their night as well while the older crowds are somewhere in the restaurants finishing off their late weekend dinner. Michelle finishes pulling into the parking spot and switches the car in park. I open my door. There are enough people around us to make me feel safe.

              As my door flies open, the night air pushes inside the car. I close my eyes and take in the smell. The temperatures during the days have been more bearable leading into cooler nights providing relief from the heat. It is a typical New Orleans autumn night. The heat of the day clashes with the cool of the night blanketing the city with a thin fog-like haze of humidity. I inhale taking in the brackish scent of the Mississippi River which runs its course mere steps away from our car. I open my eyes and stare at the lamp posts. The light filters through the haze, dampening it and causing a soft amber glow to reflect on everything it touches. In the distance, I hear the bell from a boat as it lazily floats down the Mississippi. It is beautiful. This is New Orleans and slowly in this moment, I fall more in love with the city.

              “Are you ready to go yet? There are plenty of people around so we should be fine to walk and meet the guys.”

              Michelle interrupts my brief love affair with my city shooting me back into the present. She smiles a knowing smile. There is a magic about the city that captivates all who set foot in it. Like a siren crying out to the sailors, the city calls to me. The city calls to Michelle.

              “Did they text you back yet?”

              “Yes. I told them where we parked. So they started walking towards us. They are on Frenchman Street so we can start walking and meet them somewhere in the middle. My guess would be somewhere in Jackson Square. Perhaps we will meet in front of the Cathedral.”

              “Sounds great,” I respond.

              We begin our walk cutting down the stairway through Jax Brewery. Michelle and I walking through the streets and shops of New Orleans is a dangerous combination. Each shop window display on the bustling street warrants a stop from one of us and opens up a new topic of conversation. I glance around at the people walking. Excitement from each individual permeates infecting others around them. It continues to grow until there is a mass of happiness anticipating the possibilities that the city will bring. Most of these people are tourists, but even if you are a local, you cannot help but catch their excitement. The energy is intoxicating.

              Finally we make it to the famous square in front of the cathedral. We cross the street on the corner by the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum. I look down the bustling street of Decatur as we cross. A few horse drawn carriages still linger hoping to get the last ride of the night. In the distance, I see the famous twinkling lights on the terrace of Café Dumonde.

              As we cross completely to the other side, the street gives way to sidewalk which in return quickly gives way to cobblestone surrounding the gardens of Jackson Square. The focal point of this grandiose set up is the intricate cathedral towering up among all the buildings. Lights cascade up towards the heavens creating the allusion of power. The artists that usually fill the sidewalks leaning their paintings for sale against the wrought iron fences have disappeared with the sun. In their place have risen small little tables with a singular candle. Beside these tables sit women and men dressed like gypsies hoping to entice tourists into reading their future. Some have tarot cards. Others read palms. I watch as a few cry out to people passing by, trying to rope them in to read their fortunes. The scene is very dramatic. As soft as a whisper they call out to the tourists, their one hand lifting out from under the colorful robes beckoning them to take a seat. One couple takes the bait. The woman sits in the seat intently listening as the fortune teller reads her palm. The man stands back behind her, slightly less amused shaking his head.