Authors: Jessie M.
Lorraine arrives two hours later looking confused and tired. After dealing with the police forms and making her some tea and some toast, we have a few gentle words with her. Eden starts to coax her into conversation.
“Mum, where were you going?”
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Home, silly.”
“
But you live here. You've lived here for forty years.”
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I was going home to Mum and Dad.”
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But Mum, your mum and dad died years ago and they didn't live in that house for the last fifteen years anyway. What were you thinking?” Lorraine looks blankly at her. I decide to try. I got through to her once before.
“
Lorraine, how old are you?”
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Nineteen.”
“
Lorraine, this is your daughter, she's almost 28. You can't be nineteen can you?”
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How old am I then?”
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Sixty three.”
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Of course I'm not!”
I take her to the mirror.
“Look, that's you. Beautiful and 63 years young.” She smiles at me in the mirror. “So you know you are 63. Which means your parents must be in their late eighties, yes?”
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I suppose so.”
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Well they would be, but they aren't alive. They lived a nice long life and died happily in their sleep. They don't live in the cottage anymore. There's no reason to visit again. There's no Bess and no Mum and no Dad at farm cottage. Understand?”
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Hmmm. No Bess. No Mum and No Dad.” Her face suddenly looks sad and lost.
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That's right. But you have us. We're your family now. Eden and I.”
Her face brightens. She picks up her toast and eats it enthusiastically and takes a few gulps of her tea.
“ I'm so tired. Can I go to bed?”
Eden takes her up and returns five minutes later.
“You're so good with her Josh. Thank you, for being here and being you.”
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You don't have to thank me. I want to help. She is family to me now. I meant what I said to her.”
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I know you did and I really love you for it. It's such a relief having someone to share all this with. We really need to think hard about Mum don't we? I keep wondering what she'll do next. Jump on a bus? Get on a train? She needs a companion to keep her out of mischief. Full time.”
“
I'll help find you one, if you like. Perhaps a retired woman who can take her out and chat to her about things they both share an interest in?”
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I was thinking along those lines myself.” She yawns and flops back on the sofa. “You know I'm suddenly really tired too... Oh my God, look at that, it's nearly one in the morning.” She says looking at the clock on the mantlepiece. “Come on honey let's go upstairs. You can jump me quick if you like.”
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Or you can jump me.”
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I think it's my turn to be jumped.”
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I'm pretty sure it's mine.”
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Lets not argue about who's fucking who. I don't care. We can just kiss each other to sleep, hmmm? Fancy that?”
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You know what, I really think I do.”
Just over a week later I pluck up the courage to call Keira from a public phone in Bures. Much to my disappointment her line is dead. This is rather annoying, but I suppose it was to be expected. Andrew's smart. He has probably cut off all her phone privileges. I drive home and look at her gym induction form, which is still at the bottom of my holdall and notice her email address is on there. It's worth a try I suppose. I open my laptop and set up a new Gmail account “newspecialoffersatthegym” which sounds perfectly legitimate and 'gym like' and send her a message about a real special offer we are running at the gym. I insert 'CONTACT JC for further details' in the email subject line. That'll do for now. If I don't hear anything within a few days I can try and think of something else.
I sit in the kitchen having a cup of coffee and thinking about what I need to do at home today. I need to get another law assignment done. I don't want to fall behind now that Father has made his generous offer. If I pass this next module I can join him in his practice as a junior partner until I'm qualified. I'll be paid double the salary for four days in London that I get for five in the gym, plus I get my stable free, until I can afford it better, when and if I'm a full partner. My father is being so very pleasant nowadays. Perhaps that's because I'm being more 'mature' and making a real effort too. Also, although he didn't directly tell me so, I think he admired my guts in getting involved with the Keira case. He seems to look at me differently lately. I expect our bridges will take a while to rebuild but I already feel so much happier with our relationship on the whole. I feel I'm earning his respect. However dreadful the Danielle affair was, in the terms of level of sin, it has done one good thing and that is bring Father and I more closely together. I thank her from the bottom of my heart for that.
In fact life has improved so much lately in a lot of ways. Lorraine now has a carefully chosen companion to keep her in order and curb her desire to wander off. A retired primary school teacher who is into puzzles, trips to the seaside and whatever else Lorraine likes to do. Eden is so much more relaxed now and that makes me even happier.
I'm missing her so much. I hate it when she's at work and I'm not. I send her one of my sweeter texts for once.
“
I fucking love you to death.”
It's a while before I get one back, but when I do it makes me smile.
“I love fucking you to death.”
“
ILFYTD2.”
“
IFLYTD2.”
“
I'll be there at 6 for some of that.”
I honest to God think she's a dream come true. I can say anything to her, really gross bad things... and I usually get a healthy dose back. I love our no holds barred obscenity. I know she behaves quite differently with me than she does with others, but she's always been like that. She is so ladylike and proper when my father and Luke are around. It's just as well, as our usual line of conversation isn't for their delicate ears.
I get on with my latest assignment with enthusiasm. I finish up a couple of hours later and check my inbox, just in case, and stare in surprise. I have a reply from Keira already. I open it quickly and read it.
“
Joshua I am so sorry about Andrew finding the phone.
I found out I was pregnant and wanted to call you straight away. I thought Andrew had gone outside but he came back in for something and found me sitting on the bed with the phone in my hand. There was nothing I could do to hide it. He got your phone number and forced your name out of me. I hope and pray Carter didn't hurt you. I swore on my life there was nothing going on and that you were simply my personal trainer and a friend who was concerned about me.
Having a baby changes things. It's not just about me anymore, is it? We will have a shared love in our child. Andrew has promised to move into legitimate business now that we're going to be parents. I hope he means it. He knows I hate his drug world. I agreed to marry him when I see some sign of things changing. We're engaged until then.
Thank you so very much for trying to help me. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know. If I ever need you I'll get a message to you somehow, through the gym or email or your phone number, which I have written down and kept somewhere safe. I am deleting all traces of our conversation after this. Please do the same. Once again thank you so much.
Your friend, Keira.”
I expected this. I don't think she wants to leave Andrew at all. I think she loves him, in a strange kind of way, but feels powerless and alone and is probably bored and frustrated being stuck at home with the little freedom he allows. I don't know that having a baby will change that in the longer run. Hopefully he'll loosen the ties a little over time. Anyway, it's not my problem anymore. I'll check my email once a week, just in case, but I don't expect to hear from her again. A feeling of deep relief washes through me.
I'm suddenly a touch euphoric and want to celebrate somehow. I can't help it... I send another dirty love text.
“My tongue is craving something wet and warm.”
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Mine's craving something hot and hard.”
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69?”
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Mmmm :)”
=== * ===
I go into work the next day feeling deliriously happy and completely unburdened for the first time in a long while. Eden stops at reception to pick up the morning mail for the gym as usual and I'm walking ahead down the corridor towards the gym door. Jodie appears in the corridor in front of me, walking towards reception. She stops in my path and puts her arm around my waist.
“Josh, are you going out tonight. I'd love to see you. Perhaps we could meet up again, and go to your place?”
“
Things have changed now Jodie. I'm with someone, and it's serious. I can't see you anymore, sorry baby.”
I'm aware that Eden is probably not that far behind and I start to move around her towards the gym door when she leans against me, wraps her arms around my neck and gives me a rather big smacker on the lips.
I remove her arms from my neck.
“
No more of that Jojo, okay?”
“
It was just a goodbye kiss. That's allowed, isn't it?”
She walks past me and I smile and turn watching her go. My smile disappears when I see who is standing a very short distance behind me, white faced with shock.
“Please don't get the wrong idea about this.”
She walks silently past me and into the gym.
Oh fuck.
I follow her in. She is waiting for me inside the empty gym, her face angrier than I've ever seen it. Tearfully angry.
“
You and Jodie...? Oh no, no, no... When the fuck did this happen?”
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A while ago, I bumped into her when I was out in town.”
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You know sometimes I curse the day I met you. This is one of those times. My stomach is churning and I feel sick.”
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Eden, please don't say things like that. You know I can't erase my past.”
“
How many times did you fuck her?”
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Just the once.” It was six times in fact, but that wouldn't go down so well.
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Why was she hugging and kissing you just now?”
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I told her about us, she said goodbye. It's done and dusted. Ask her if you like. There's nothing more to say.”
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You should have told me about her Josh.”
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Why should I? Why hurt you? It didn't mean anything. That was the old me. I'm different now. You know that.”
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Is this what it's going to be like for me, wondering if everywhere we go one of your ex fucks is going to wrap themselves around you and ask for a quickie?”
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Come on, be fair. You knew all about me from the start. And none of my ex fucks were ever even slightly serious. Most of them were one night stands, if you can even call them that. You've no need to worry. I'm not interested. You know I'm not, don't you? Or at least you should by now.” I look into her hurt angry eyes and I realise something else with a sudden shock. What about her past life? I don't know a thing about hers. I turn the tables on her and ask her straight. “But what about you? I don't know anything about your past loves, do I? Perhaps you can tell me about your much more serious love affairs?”
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I don't have anything to tell you.”
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Why not?”
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Because there's really not much to tell.”
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What, like none?”
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There have been two. One lasted a few weeks about four years ago. The other one was quite serious I suppose.”
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So, who was he?”
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His name was Daniel, I was with him for three years, from nineteen to twenty two. We outgrew each other.”
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So you've not had anyone at all in your life for 4 whole years?”
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Well I have, but he wasn't available.”
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Why, was he married or something?”
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No, he was busy screwing every female with a pulse. I didn't want to be part of that number, so I waited. A fucking long time...” My heart skips several beats with the realisation that it's me she's talking about.
No way.... Four whole years?
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My God Eden. I wish you'd said something. All that stuff I told you about other women. It must have hurt you.”
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I got used to it in the end. You kind of numbed me out after a while. And what could I have said anyway? I wanted to wait for you to come to me of your own free will. And you did.”
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I'm speechless. You waited all that time for me? Not even knowing...”
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Yes.” Her tears start falling freely. I hold my arms out to her and she walks into them. I hold her tightly my eyes brimming in response.
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I love you so. I wish I'd realised how much I loved you sooner.”
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Me too.”
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I hope I'm worth such a long wait. Am I?”
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You make the earth move beneath my feet, just to look at you. I'd have waited forever.”
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And you touch me in ways I can't even begin to describe. It's like you're a part of me that I can't live without. I want to be with you all the time.”
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I'll miss you so much when you leave me to go to London next year.”
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That's a long way off and it's only three nights a week.”
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But I won't see you in the week and I work Friday and Saturday. We'll only have Sunday together. It's not enough.”
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Change your shifts then, or come with me when I go to London. Go part time at the gym.”
“
Let's talk about it in a few months, shall we?”
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Whenever you want honey.” I'm hugging her and kissing her neck, one eye on the gym door.
“
Josh...?”
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Mmmm?”
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I'm still seriously fucked off about you and Jodie.”
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I'm sorry.”
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She's in here nearly every day. It'll be a constant reminder shoved in my face.”
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I know. I'm really sorry. What can I say?”
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Do you prefer blondes?”
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No, I never did.”
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I don't know how to cope with this. I feel bad, it's so hard.”
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There's nothing to cope with. I don't want her. Or anyone else. I keep telling you.”
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Can't you see, I'm trying so hard to trust you but I'm having some very insecure feelings, and raging jealousy.”
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What can I do about that? Tell me and I'll do it.”
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I don't know.”
I know exactly what I can do. But I'm kind of nervous of taking that final step and it's way too soon. But at the same time I really want to. I kiss her fingers and her nose. I make a decision and take the mental leap. I'm surprised at how easy it is.
“Come over to mine this evening and we can go to the tree together, would you like that?”
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I don't know. I'm not in a very good mood at at the moment. Ask me later.”
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I've got something very special in mind for you, to make you feel better and help you forget all this stuff today. I'd love it if you wore your white dress as well, but no kinky shoes this time.”
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Okay then, if you think it'll help blot 'Jodie day' out of my mind.”
I'm sure it'll blot everything out of her mind. I'm going out to buy a single white rose today. And intend to find a special something else which is the start of something life changing for the both of us.