Did you say something'she asked.
Nothing vital. My names Goodwin. Call me Archie.
I know. Youre a detective. How can I keep them from having my picture in the paper'
You cant if theyve already got it. Have they'
I think so. I wish I was dead.
I dont. I made it not loud but emphatic.
Why should you'I do. My folks in Michigan think Im acting or modeling. I leave it vague. And here - oh, my God.
Her chin worked, but she controlled it.
Work is work, I said. My parents wanted me to be a college president, and I wanted to be a second baseman, andlook at me. Anyhow, if your picture gets printed and its a good likeness, who knows what will happen'
This is my Gethsemane, she said.
That made me suspicious, naturally. She had mentioned acting. Come off it, I advised her. Think of someone else. Think of the guy that got stabbed - no,
hes out of it - think of his wife, how do you suppose she feels'Or Inspector Cramer, with the job hes got. What was he asking you just now'
She didnt hear me. She said through clamped teeth, I only wish I had some guts.
Why'What would you do'
Id tell all about it.
All about what'
About what happened.
You mean last night'Why not try it out on me and see how it goes'That doesnt take guts, just go ahead and let it come, keep your voice down and let it flow.
She didnt hear a word. Her ears were disconnected. She kept her brown eyes,
under the long lashes, straight at me.
How it happened this morning. How I was going back to my booth after I finished Mr. Levinson in Philips chair, and he called me into Tinas booth and he seized me, with one hand on my throat so I couldnt scream, and there was no doubt at all what he intended, so I grabbed the scissors from the shelf and, without realizing what I was doing, plunged them into him with all my strength, and his grip on me loosened, and he collapsed onto the chair. Thats what I would do if I had any guts and if I really want a successful career the way I say I do. I would have to be arrested and have a trial, and then -
Hold it. Your pronouns. Mr. Levinson called you into Tinas booth'
Certainly not. That man that got killed. She tilted her head back. See the marks on my throat'
There was no mark whatever on her smooth pretty throat.
Good Lord, I said. That would get you top billing anywhere.
Thats what I was saying.
Then go ahead and tell it.
I cant! I simply cant! It would be so darned vulgar.
Her full face was there, only sixteen inches away, with the muscles no longer under strain, the closest I had ever been to it, and there was no question about how lovely it was. Under different circumstances my reaction would have been merely normal and healthy, but at the moment I could have slapped it with pleasure. I had felt a familiar tingle at the base of my spine when I thought she was going to open up about a midnight ride up Broadway, probably with one of her co-workers, possibly with the boss himself, and then she had danced off into this folderol.
She needed a lesson. I understand your position, I said, a girl as sweet and fine and strong as you, but its bound to come out in the end, and I want to help. Incidentally, I am not married. Ill go to Inspector Cramer right now and tell him about it. Hell want to take photographs of your throat. I know the warden down at the jail and Ill see that you get good treatment, no rough stuff. Do you know any lawyers'
She shook her head, answering, I thought, my question about lawyers, but no. She didnt believe in answering questions.
About your being married, she said, I hadnt even thought. There was an article in the American magazine last month about career girls getting married.
Did you read it'
No. I may be able to persuade the district attorney to make it a manslaughter charge instead of murder, which would please your folks in Michigan. I drew my feet back and slid forward on the chair, ready to rise. Okay, Ill go tell Cramer.
That article was silly, she said. I think a girl must get her career established first. Thats why when I see an attractive man I never wonder if hes married; by the time Im ready for one these will be too old. Thats why I wouldnt ask you if you know anyone in show business, because I wouldnt take help from a man. I think a girl -
If Ed hadnt signaled to me just then, his customer having left the chair,
theres no telling how it would have ended. It would have been vulgar to slap her, and no words would have been any good since she was deaf, but surely I might have thought of something that would have taken effect. As it was, I didnt want to keep Ed waiting so I got up and crossed to his chair and climbed in.
Just scrape the face, I told him.
He got a bib on me and tilted me back. Did you phone'he asked. Did that fathead forget again'
I told him no, that I had been caught midtown with a stubble and an unforeseen errand for which I should be presentable and added, You seem to have had some excitement.
He went to the cabinet for a tube of prefabricated lather, got some on me, and started rubbing. We sure did, he said with feeling. Carl, you know Carl, he killed a man in Tinas booth. Then they both ran. Im sorry for Tina, she was all right, but Carl, I dont know. He moved to my left cheek.
I couldnt articulate with him rubbing. He finished, went to wipe his fingers,
and came with the razor. I rolled my head into position, to the left, and remarked, Id sort of watch it, Ed. Its a little risky to go blabbing that Carl killed him unless you can prove it.
Well, he had fits. The razor was as sharp and slick as usual. What did he run for'
I couldnt say. But the cops are still poking around here, even an inspector.
Sure they are, theyre after evidence. You gotta have evidence.
Ed pulled the skin tight over the jawbone. For instance, they ask me did he show me anything or ask me anything about some article from the shop. I say he didnt. That would be evidence, see'
Yes, I get it. I could only mumble. What did he ask you'
Oh, all about me, name, married or single - you know, insurance men, income tax, they all ask the same things. But when he asked about last night I told him where to get off, but then I thought what the hell and told him. Why not'Thats my philosophy, Mr. Goodwin - why not'It saves trouble.
He was prying my chin up, doing the throat. That clean, I rolled my head to the right to turn the other cheek.
Of course, he said, the police have to get it straight, but they cant expect us to remember everything. When he came in first he talked with Fickler, maybe five minutes. Then Fickler took him to Tinas booth, and he talked with Tina.
that Fielder sent Philip in, and then Carl and then lie and then Tom and then me and then Janet. I think pretty good to remember that. I mumbled agreement. He was at the corner of my mouth. But I cant remember everything, and they cant make e. I dont know how long it was after Janet came back out fore Fielder went to Tinas booth and found him dead. pfhey ask me was it nearer ten minutes or nearer fifteen, but %% say I had a customer at the time, we all did but Philip, and I dont know. They ask me how many of us went behind the partition after Janet came out, to the steamer or the vat or to get the lamp or something, but I say again I had a customer I at the time, and I dont know, except I know I didnt go because I was trimming Mr. Howell at the time. I was working the top when Fickler yelled and came running out. They can ask Mr. Howell.
They probably have, I said, but to no one, because Ed had gone for a hot towel.
He returned and used the towel and got the lilac water.
Patting it on, he resumed, They ask me exactly when Carl and Tina went, they ask me that twenty times, but I cant say and I wont say. Carl did it all right, but they cant prove it by me. Theyve gotta have evidence, but I dont.
Cold towel today'
No, Ill keep the smell.
He patted me dry, levered me upright, and brought a comb and brush. Can I remember what I dont know'he demanded.
I know I cant.
And Im no great detective like you. Ed was a little rough with a brush. And now I go for lunch but Ive got to have a cop along. We cant even go to the can alone. They searched all of us down to the skin, and they even brought a woman to search Janet. They took our fingerprints. I admit theyve gotta have evidence. He flipped the bib off. How was the razor, all right'
I told him it was fine as usual, stepped down, fished for a quarter, and exchanged it for my check. Purley Stebbins, nearby, was watching both of us.
There had been times when I had seen fit to kid Purley at the scene of a murder,
but not now. A cop had been killed.
He spoke, not belligerently. The inspector dont like your being here.
Neither do I, I declared. Thank God this didnt happen to be Mr. Wolfes day for a haircut, you would never have believed it. Im just a minor coincidence.
Nice to see you.
I went and paid my check to Fickler, got my things on, and departed.
As I emerged into Lexington Avenue there were several things on my mind. The most immediate was this: if Cramers suspicion had been aroused enough to spend a man on me, and if I were seen going directly home from the shop, there might be too much curiosity as to why I had chosen to spend six bits for a shave at that time of day. So instead of taking a taxi, which would have had to crawl crosstown anyhow, I walked, and when I got to Altmans I used their aisles and exits to make sure I had no tail. That left my mind free for other things the rest of the way home.
One leading question was whether Carl and Tina would still be where I had left them, in the front room. That was what took me up the seven steps of the stoop two at a time, and on in quick. The answer to the question was no. The front room was empty.
I strode down the hall to the office but stopped there because I heard Wolfes voice. It was coming through the open door to the dining room, across the hall,
and it was saying, No, Mr. Vardas, I cannot agree that mountain climbing is
an hysterical paroxysm of his infantile vanity. One of the prime ambitions of a jackass is to bray louder than any other jackass, and man is not …
I crossed the hall and the dining-room sill. Wolfe was at his end of the table,
and Fritz, standing at his elbow, had just removed the lid from a steaming platter. At his left was Tina, and Carl was at his right, my place when there was no company. Wolfe saw me but finished his paragraph on mountain climbing before attending to me.
In time, Archie. You like veal and mushrooms.
Talk about infantile. His not being willing to sit to his lunch with unfed people in the house was all well enough, but why not send trays in to them'That was easy - he was sore at me, and I had called them foreigners.
I stepped to the end of the table and said, I know you have a paroxysm if I try to bring up business during meals, but eighteen thousand cops would give a months pay to get their hands on Carl and Tina, your guests.
Indeed. Wolfe was serving the veal and accessories. Why'
Have you talked with them'
No. I merely invited them to lunch.
Then dont until Ive reported. I ran into Cramer and Stebbins at the barber shop.
Confound it. The serving spoon stopped en route.
Yeah. Its quite interesting. But first lunch, of course. Ill go put the chain bolt on. Please dish me some veal'
Carl and Tina were speechless.
That lunch was one of Wolfes best performances; I admit it. He didnt know a damn thing about Carl and Tina except that they were in a jam, he knew that Cramer and Stebbins dealt only with homicide, and he had a strong prejudice against entertaining murderers at his table. Some years back a female prospective client had dined with us in an emergency, on roast Watertown goose.
It turned out that she was a husband-poisoner, and roast goose had been off our menu for a solid year, though Wolfe was very fond of it. His only hope now was his knowledge that I was aware of his prejudice and even shared it, and I took my seat at the end of the table and disposed of a big helping of the veal and mushrooms, followed by pumpkin puffs, without batting an eye.
He must have been fairly tight inside, but he stayed the polite host clear to the end, with no sign of hurry even with the coffee. Then, however, the tension began to tell. Ordinarily his return to the office after a meal was leisurely and lazy, but this time he went right along, followed by his guests and me. He marched across to his chair behind the desk, got his bulk deposited, and snapped at me, What have you got us into now'
I was pulling chairs around so the Vardas family would be facing him, but stopped to give him an eye.
Us'I inquired.
Yes.
Okay, I said courteously, if thats how it is. I did not invite them to come here, let alone to lunch. They came on their own, and I let them in, which is one of my functions. Having started it, Ill finish it. May I use the front room, please'Ill have them out of here in ten minutes.
Pfui. He was supercilious. I am now responsible for their presence, since they were my guests at lunch. Sit down, sir. Sit down, Mrs. Vardas, please.
Carl and Tina didnt know what from which. I had to push the chairs up behind their knees. Then I went to my own chair and swiveled to face Wolfe.
I have a question to ask them, I told him, but first you need a couple of facts. Theyre in this country without papers. They were in a concentration camp in Russia and theyre not telling how they got here if they can help it. They could be spies, but I doubt it after hearing them talk. Naturally they jump a mile if they hear someone say boo, and when a man came to the barber shop this morning and showed a police card and asked who they were and where they came from and what they were doing last night they scooted the first chance they got.
But they didnt know where to go so they came here to buy fifty bucks worth of advice and information. I got bighearted and went to the shop disguised as a Boy Scout.
You went'Tina gasped.
I turned to them. Sure I went. Its a complicated situation, and you made it worse by beating it, but you did and here we are. I think I can handle it if you two can be kept out of the way. It would be dangerous for you to stay here. I know a safe place up in the Bronx for you to lay low for a few days. You shouldnt take a chance on a taxi or the subway, so well go around the comer to the garage and get Mr. Wolfes car, and you can drive it up there. Then Ill -
Excuse me, Carl said urgently. You would drive us up there'
No, Ill be busy. Then Ill-
But I cant drive a car! I dont know how!
Then your wife will drive. You can leave -
She cant! She dont know either!
I sprang from my chair and stood over them. Look, I said savagely, save that for the cops. Cant drive a car'Certainly you can! Everybody can!
They were looking up at me, Carl bewildered, Tina frowning.
In America, yes, she said. But we are not Americans, not yet. We have never had a chance to learn.
You have never driven a car'
No. Never.
And Carl'
Never.
What the devil is this'Wolfe demanded.
I returned to my chair. That, I said, was the question I wanted to ask. It has a bearing, as youll soon see. I regarded Carl and Tina. If youre lying about this, not knowing how to drive a car, you wont be sent back home to die,
youll die right here. It will be a cinch to find out if youre lying.
Why should we'Carl demanded. What is so important in it'
Once more, I insisted. Can you drive a car'
No.
Can you, Tina'
No!
Okay. I turned to Wolfe. The caller at the barber shop this morning was a precinct dick named Wallen. Fickler took him to Tinas booth, and he questioned Tina first. Then the others had sessions with him in the booth, in this order:
Philip, Carl, Jimmie, Tom, Ed, and Janet. You may not know that the manicure booths are around behind the long partition. After Janet came out there was a period of ten or fifteen minutes when Wallen was in the booth alone. Then Fickler went to see, and what he saw was Wallens body with scissors buried in his back. Someone had stabbed him to death. Since Carl and Tina had lammed -
Tinas cry was more of a gasp, a last gasp, an awful sound. With one leap she was out of her chair and at Carl, grasping him and begging wildly, Carl, no!
No, no! Oh, Carl -
Make her stop, Wolfe snapped.
I had to try, because Wolfe would rather be in a room with a hungry tiger than with a woman out of hand. I went and got a grip on her shoulder but released it at sight of the expression on Carls face as he pushed to his feet against her pressure. It looked as if he could and would handle it. He did. He straightened her up, standing against her, his face nearly touching hers, and told her, No!
Do you understand'No!
He eased her back to her chair and down onto it, and turned to me. That man was killed there in Tinas booth'
Yes.
Carl smiled as he had once before, and I wished he would stop trying it. Then of course, he said as if he were conceding a point in a tight argument, this is the end for us. But please I must ask you not to blame my wife. Because we have been through many things together she is ready to credit me with many deeds that are far beyond me. She has a big idea of me, and I have a big idea of her.
But I did not kill that man. I did not touch him. He frowned. I dont understand why you suggested riding in a car to the Bronx. Of course you will give us to the police.
Forget the Bronx. I was frowning back. Every cop in town has his eye peeled for you. Sit down.
He stood. He looked at Tina, at Wolfe, and back down at me.
Sit down, damn it!
He went to his chair and sat.
About driving a car, Wolfe muttered. Was that flummery'
No, sir, that comes next. Last night around midnight a hit-and-run driver in a stolen car killed two women up on Broadway. The car was found parked at Broadway and Ninety-sixth Street. Wallen, from the Twentieth Precinct, was the first dick to look it over. In it he apparently found something that led him to the Goldenrod Barber Shop - anyhow he phoned his wife that he was on a hot one that would lead to glory and a raise and then he showed up at the shop and called the roll, as described. With the result also as described. Cramer has bought it that the hit-and-run driver found himself cornered and used the scissors, and Cramer,
dont quote me, is not a dope. To qualify as a hit-and-run driver you must meet certain specifications, and one of them is knowing how to drive a car. So the best plan would be for Carl and Tina to go back to the shop and report for duty and for the official quiz, if it wasnt for two things. First, the fact that they lammed will make it very tough, and second, even though it is settled that they didnt kill a cop, their lack of documents will fix them anyhow.
I waved a hand. So actually whats the difference'If theyre sent back where they came from theyre doomed there, thats all they have to pick from. One interesting angle is that you are harboring fugitives from justice, and I am not. I told Purley theyre here. So youre -
You what'Wolfe bellowed.
What I said. Thats the advantage of having a reputation for gags, you can say practically anything if you handle your face right. I told him they were here in our front room, and he sailed right over it. So Im clean, but youre not. You cant even just show them out. If you dont want to call Cramer yourself, which I admit would be a little thick since they were your luncheon guests, I could get Purley at the shop and tell him theyre still here and why hasnt he sent for them.
It might be better, Tina said, not with hope, just a little better, if you would let us go ourselves'No'
She got no answer. Wolfe was glaring at me. It wasnt that he needed my description of the situation to realize what a pickle he was in; I have never tried to deny that the interior decorator did a snappier job inside his skull than in mine. What had him boiling was my little stunt of getting it down that neither Carl nor Tina could drive a car. But for that it would still have been possible to let them meet the law and take what they got, and more or less shrug it off; now that was out of the question. Also, naturally, he resented my putting the burden on him. If I had taken a stand as a champion of humanity he could have blamed me for any trouble he was put to - and didnt I know he would.
There is, he said, glaring, another alternative to consider.
Yes, sir. What'
Let us just go ourselves, Tina said.
Pfui. He moved the glare to her. You would try to skedaddle and be caught within an hour. Back to me. You have told Mr. Stebbins they are here. We can simply keep them here and await developments. Since Mr. Cramer and Mr. Stebbins are still there at work, they may at any moment disclose the murderer.
Sure they may, I agreed, but I doubt it. Theyre just being thorough; theyve really settled for Carl and Tina, and what theyre looking for is evidence,
especially what it was that led Wallen to the barber shop - though I suppose they havent much hope of that, since Carl and Tina could have taken it along.
Anyway, you know how it is when theyve got their minds aimed in one direction.
Wolfes eyes went to Carl. Did you and your wife leave the shop together'
Carl shook his head. That might have been noticed, so she went first. There is no place for ladies to go in the shop, so Tina and the other girl, Janet, go to a place down the hall when they need to, and she could leave with no attention.
When she was gone I waited until they were all busy and Mr. Fickler was walking behind the partition, then I went quick out the door and ran upstairs to meet her there.
When was that'I asked. Who was in Tinas booth with Wallen'
I dont think anybody was. Janet had come out a while before. She was at Jimmies chair with a customer.
Good God. I turned my palms up. You left that place less than a minute, maybe only a few seconds, before Fielder found Wallen dead!
I dont know. Carl wasnt fazed. I only know I went and I didnt touch that man.
This, I told Wolfe, makes it even nicer. There was a slim chance we could get it that they left sooner.
Yes. He regarded me. It must be assumed that Wallen was alive when Ed left the booth, since that young woman - whats her name'
Janet.
I call few men, and no women, by their first names. Whats her name'
Thats all I know, Janet. It wont bite you.
Stahl, Tina said. Janet Stahl.
Thank you. Wallen was presumably alive when Ed left the booth, since Miss Stahl followed him. So Miss Stahl, who saw Wallen last, and Mr. Fickler, who reported him dead - manifestly they had opportunity. What about the others'
You must remember, I told him, that I had just dropped in for a shave. I had to show the right amount of intellectual curiosity but I had to be damn careful not to carry it too far. From what Ed said, I gathered that opportunity is fairly wide open, except he excludes himself. As you know, they all keep darting behind that partition for one thing or another. Ed cant remember who did and who didnt during that ten or fifteen minutes, and its a safe bet that the others cant remember either. The fact that the cops were interested enough to ask shows that Carl and Tina havent got a complete monopoly on it. As Ed remarked, theyve gotta have evidence, and theyre still looking.
Wolfe grunted in disgust.
It also shows, I went on, that they havent got any real stopper to cork it,
like prints from the car or localizing the scissors or anything they found on the corpse. They sure want Carl and Tina, and you know what happens when they get them, but theyre still short on exhibits. If you like your suggestion to keep our guests here until Cramer and Stebbins get their paws on the right guy it might work fine as a long-term policy, but youre against the idea of women living here, or even a woman, and after a few months it might get on your nerves.
It is no good, Tina said, back to her gasping whisper again. Just let us go!