True Devotion (30 page)

Joe couldn’t leave the SEALs for Kelly. It wasn’t in his makeup to walk away from the place he truly felt he belonged. And she wanted children. There were men in the SEALs with families, but there was an equal number, if not more, who had left the Teams when they got married or their marriages had come apart.

He couldn’t hurt Kelly by misleading her. He would rather choose not to have children than put himself in the position Boomer was in—feeling like the best option he had was to quit. Joe knew he was in for the duration of his career.

To her credit Kelly had never asked him to change that. But he was back to what was reasonable to ask. She was dealing with the risk of marrying an active duty SEAL again. If he told her no children while he was on an active team, he would take away her dream, and there was no way he could do that to her.

He could let her go free. Let her find a civilian who could love her and give her a family.

The thought tore at him. He knew who was waiting in the wings.

Joe walked back into the dining room to retrieve his Bible, then remembered the letter. He drew out a chair at the table, sat down, and slowly reached over to extract the pages.

As he read the letter, he realized the words of comfort he had written for Kelly could now equally apply to him.

The Lord is good.

The Lord is merciful.

The Lord never changes.

Hold on to the character of God, Kelly. Why this happened, I do not know. But I stand in the presence of this God today. Allow me to tell you what I know as I see Him face-to-face: The Lord is good; the Lord is merciful; the Lord loves you.

He loves you even more than I do, and I love you deep in my heart, where I hold those things I treasure close. Remember me with laughter, Kelly, as you remember Nick. You honored us both with your open heart. Nick and I will be waiting to see your smile again soon. It will be a good reunion. Remember that.

Your best friend,

Joe

He realized as he was folding the letter that he was crying. He wiped the tears away feeling sadness deep in his soul.

Lord, I have to tell her I made a mistake rather than say what’s in this letter. I chose the wrong time to try and reach for a dream. To continue the course we’re on, knowing what I would have to ask her to accept . . . I can’t hurt her like that.

He felt the sadness press in. It was the right decision but not an easy one. He took the letter upstairs to his dresser and placed it in his keepsake box with his reminders of his parents.

* * *

Joe got the phone call at 2300 hours and was still up, having expected it. He got the keys to his Jeep and headed to Mick’s Pub. At least no cop cars were in the parking lot. He made his way through the restaurant area and followed the sound of the commotion to the back bar. Joe wasn’t surprised to find his men blowing off steam. He was surprised to find they had done their best to put a dent into the decor.

The sailors who had apparently made the mistake of saying the wrong thing were on the floor in a tangle of limbs. “Back off, Franklin.” The man had his back to the door and didn’t realize the fight was now over. Joe had already lost one man from his platoon because of this failed mission, he didn’t need another ending up in the brig.

“L-T—”

He stopped the explanation with a look. “Cougar, help him out of here. The rest of you, go cool off.”

Joe scanned the mess.

“Your men didn’t start it, Bear.”

He glanced at the owner, who stood at the end of the bar. “But it looks like they finished it.” The ongoing beef between SEALs and regular Navy liked to flare when men lost common sense. Joe understood it, didn’t appreciate it now, but understood it—he would have once been at the center of it. Mick was the one who had called him. “Send me the bill, Mick. They’ll pay it, along with giving a formal apology.”

“Not a problem,” Mick agreed. The apology was worse than paying for the damages, and Joe and Mick both knew it. The room was beginning to sort itself out, tables and stools being righted. Joe felt some satisfaction at noticing no SEALs were on the floor. At least they hadn’t forgotten how to fight. Anger was good. It was better than bailing out like Boomer had just done. That wasn’t fair to Boomer, but the result was the same. Raider had just cost him a good AOIC.

“You haven’t been by much,” Mick commented.

“No, I haven’t.” Joe sent a smile of apology to his old friend. “Another time. Thanks for the call, Mick. I owe you.”

“On the house, Bear. I’m just glad it wasn’t in commemoration of a wake.”

Twenty-Seven

* * *

Joe didn’t want to see her for some reason, and Kelly felt the sting of that. It made no sense. The platoon had been back almost a full day and Joe still hadn’t made the effort to call. What was going on? It hurt to be treated this way—it was rude and she deserved better. If nothing else, he should have called because she was still watching his dog. She would call him when she got home.

She focused her attention back on Ryan coming across the church parking lot, now carrying a packet with him. “Did Dad give me a medical release? I can’t leave without one.”

“Right here.” She retrieved the envelope Charles had given her. She had turned in the registration form Sunday but kept the rest of the papers for today. “Are you sure you have everything you’ll need? your sleeping bag? Bible? soap? a good watch?”

“All forty things on the checklist. I’m set, Kelly. I’m supposed to store my stuff in the blue van.”

“I wish your dad was here to see you off.”

“That’s okay. I appreciate the fact you brought me.” He folded the medical release with his other papers and slid them into his duffel bag.

“Don’t take too many chances out there in the wilderness. I’ve got a vested interest in you being alive and well,” she teased, finding herself reluctant to see him leave.

He laughed. “Yes, Mother.”

She blinked, smiled, and knuckled his hair. “Someone has to take away your fun.”

“Did you know Lynnette is going?”

“I had heard that.” A whistle blew. “There’s your cue.”

He hugged her, surprising her, and then grabbed his duffel bag and sleeping bag and headed for the van Lynnette was getting into.

“Thanks, Ryan,” she whispered quietly. That boy was going to steal her heart if she wasn’t careful. She was at loose ends for the rest of the day, though she didn’t move immediately. She waited until the group was ready to leave, then sighed and got out her car keys.

Joe was waiting on the other side of the parking lot, standing beside his Jeep. Kelly slowed her pace once she saw him, surprised he was here, surprised he had tracked her down in the middle of the day. She drew closer and she could see the tension in his stance. With the dark sunglasses he had on, she couldn’t tell what he was thinking, but she could see he was wound tight, had probably never wound down, she realized with some dismay.

“Can you give me a couple hours? Alex told me you were off for the rest of the day,” he asked.

“Sure.”

“Would Silver be pretty empty this time of day?”

The beach sprawled for miles. Midafternoon on a weekday, visitors would be sparse. What was wrong? She didn’t ask because she was afraid of the answer. “Yes.”

He walked around to open the Jeep door for her.

“No, let me follow you.” She wanted them to talk, but not while his attention was on his driving. She wanted him facing her where she could see his eyes and read what he wasn’t saying. It sounded rude to decline to ride with him, and she tried to soften that insistence with a smile. “Stop and get us a couple cold drinks from a drive-thru, and we’ll find a picnic table.”

* * *

Joe parked the Jeep, then waited for Kelly to park her car beside him. He reached over and picked up the cold drinks he had bought. Kelly locked her car and joined him. He gestured to a table nearby.

She accepted the drink he handed her. She didn’t say anything to open the conversation and Joe didn’t know what to do—chitchat and then drop his bombshell or simply tell her. She had been his friend for a long time. He was going to hurt her, and he hated what he was about to do.

“Kelly, we made a mistake to date.”

He saw the disbelief, and then her eyes shuttered, wiping away any indication of what she was feeling.

“Why?”

“Boomer made the decision not to reenlist when his rotation comes up.”

“I can’t say I’m totally surprised because of the baby.” She looked at him, then looked away. “I’m sorry for you. I know he will be hard to replace.”

“Yes.” Joe looked at her, wishing he didn’t have to do this. “We have the same decision in front of us. You want children.”

She appeared to stop breathing. “Yes, I do.”

“I can’t see leaving the SEALs. And it isn’t right to hold up your dreams by asking you to wait for an indefinite period of time, probably years.”

“Joe, we’re not Boomer and Christi. You can be a SEAL and we can have kids. I’ve seen you with Christopher. You would make a good dad. And I know you like kids.”

“It’s not that easy, Kelly. I don’t want to be an absent father. I’m away almost half the year. That’s not fair to my children, and it’s not fair to me. I want to be part of their lives. Simply put: I can’t afford to get distracted on a mission, and being married, having children, you would be there in the back of my mind. That’s natural. But an instant of hesitation—it puts those under me at risk.”

“You’re serious.”

“Just dating you has been a distraction. It really is best if we go back to just being best friends.”

She lowered her eyes, didn’t look at him, didn’t answer him. The sweat began to trickle down his back. “What are you thinking? Please say something.”

“You’ve made the decision.”

“Kelly—” he could feel the pain inside at what he had done—“do you understand why?”

“Yes.” She glanced up and smiled—it was quick, forced, but a smile. “I do understand. We made a mistake.” Her voice grew tight. “I want our friendship back, Joe. Our real friendship, not a polite how-are-you-doing shell like most couples that break up settle for. Not the quiet, what’s-going-on silence of the last week.”

He blinked at her intensity. “So do I, Kelly.”

She nodded, got up, and gathered up her purse. “I won’t be home until late. I can either bring Misha by in the morning or you can swing by and use your key.”

“Kelly—”

“Not now, Joe, okay?”

She didn’t wait for his nod, simply turned to head across the grass to the parking lot. She was walking away from him, and it felt like his heart was getting torn out. He got up to follow her, not liking this unfolding reaction he had triggered. “Kelly.”

She turned at her car.

What should he say? What could he say? He never intended what he did say. “Did you ever find Nick’s eagle?”

Any remaining emotion left her face. “No,” she replied starkly. “It’s gone.”

* * *

She had made a fool of herself. Kelly walked down the rocky shoreline at the distant end of Silver Strand Beach and wished she could at least feel angry about it, but all she felt was hurt.

Joe didn’t want her.

It ached to put it that baldly, but it was the simple reality. He didn’t want someone to come home to at the end of a day at work. He didn’t want someone to come home to when a mission was complete. He was content with his silent house, his dog, and his boat.

Why did she have to love a man who had no place for her in his life?

Why had he ever asked her to date in the first place?

Lord, did I do something wrong?

She took a deep breath and tried to think. Joe had said he didn’t want to date her because she wanted children, and she was a distraction. She had assumed he wanted children. Had she been wrong? No, he had implied the problem was when.

A distraction—what was she supposed to do about that?

God, I can’t solve these two problems. They are legitimate, but they’re not the real problem. The real problem is Joe doesn’t want me in his life enough to figure out a way to deal with the changes that would mean.

Why didn’t You protect me from getting hurt? I don’t understand. I love him, and he wants to walk away.

She walked across the sand, staying close to the water, relieved to have the beach to herself. As she walked, she wiped away tears that silently streaked down her face.

She had made a profound mistake. She had been projecting her own emotions on him.

What did Joe want? She had tried to see him as wanting what she did, and he finally had to say it didn’t fit. But what did Joe want? He had said yes, had asked her out for a reason. She had just been too absorbed in herself to understand what it was.

She drove around Coronado that evening, taking a private journey through her past, grieving over Nick, but also Joe. No matter what he wanted for the future, things had changed between them now for good. She had never guarded her heart with him before, never second-guessed her words, and in the future she would have to. Their friendship would never be the same, for this history between them, those three unfortunate words she had said—
I love you
—would always sit there.

She felt like part of her life had just been shattered and she didn’t know how to pick up the pieces.

She finally forced herself to go home, to seek out relief for her headache.

Misha did not greet her at the door when she unlocked it. Kelly gave a sad smile. At least Joe wanted his dog with him, even if he didn’t want her.