A full-length Jew.
*
It’s quiz time in the parochial school, and Brother Michael offers a fifty-cent prize to the student who can name the greatest man who ever lived.
“Columbus,” offers Joey Rizzo.
“Pope John Paul II,” volunteers Jan Milowski.
“St. Francis of Assisi,” says Irving Feldman, whispering to a classmate, “I would’ve said Moses, but business is business.”
*
What’s a JAP’s favorite wine? (Say it aloud and it sounds like “whine.”)
“I wanna go to Floooorida...”
*
What’s the difference between a JAP and a barracuda?
Nail polish.
*
What does a JAP do during a nuclear holocaust?
Gets out her sun reflector.
Did you hear about the Pole who heard on the radio that 90 percent of all accidents happen within a 10-mile radius of the home?
He moved.
*
How about the Polish abortion clinic?
There’s a year-long waiting list.
*
One night the Pope is saying his bedtime prayers when God Himself comes down from heaven to listen to them. Then, sitting on the Pope’s bed, He says, “Listen, you’ve been such a good Pope and devoted follower that I’m going to grant you any wish you’d like.”
The Pope is overcome with emotion, and for a little while he can’t think of anything to say, but then he confesses to one thing that really gets to him. “As you know, God,” he says, “I’m very attached to my country of origin. And one thing that really irritates me sometimes is all those stupid Polish jokes.”
“No problem,” says God magnanimously. “From this moment on, there shall be no more Polish jokes.” Smiling, He says, “Listen, I have to be getting back to heaven, but before I take off, is there anything else I can do?”
The Pope thinks and thinks, finally coming out with it. “M&M’s,” he pronounces.
“M&M’s?” says God. “Gee, I’ve always thought they were harmless enough, melting in your mouth and all that . . . but I’ll be glad to abolish them if it really means a lot to you.”
“Well you see,” says the Pope, “I’m not getting any younger, and it’s getting harder and harder to peel them.”
*
Did you hear how the Polish hockey team drowned?
Spring training.
*
Know how you can tell when a firing squad is Polish?
It stands in a circle.
*
How do you break a Pole’s finger?
Hit him in the nose.
*
Hear about the lazy Pole?
He married a pregnant woman.
*
What’s the smallest room in the world?
The Polish Hall of Fame.
*
Hear about the Pole who went out and bought four new snow tires?
They melted on the way home.
*
Or the Pole who lost $50 on the football game?
$25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
*
Then there was the Pole who had the asshole transplant.
The asshole rejected him.
*
How about the Polish girl who wanted to trade her menstrual cycle for a Honda?
*
These two Poles go for a drive in the country, and when nature calls, they stop at an outhouse in a field. One fellow goes in first, and when ten minutes go by and he’s still in there, his friend walks over and says, “Stan, are you all right?” Opening the door, he sees Stan poking around in the hole with a big stick. Stan explains that he managed to drop his overcoat down the hole.
“Listen,” says his friend, “forget about the coat,okay?”
“Yeah, sure,” says Stan. “It’s not the coat I want, it’s the sandwich in the pocket.”
*
Then there was the Polish girl who said she’d do anything for a fur coat, and now she can’t button it over her belly.
*
Why do Polish stadiums have Astroturf ?
To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
*
This Polish guy ordered a pizza with everything on it. When it came out of the oven, the guy asked him if he’d like it cut into four or eight pieces. “Make it four,” said the Pole. “I’ll never be able to eat eight.”
*
What’s green and flies over Poland?
Peter Panski.
*
Did you hear about the Pole who had body odor on one side only?
He didn’t know where to buy Left Guard.
*
What about the Polish woman who thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease?
*
Two Poles walk into the post office and the first thing that catches their eye is a bunch of “Wanted” posters, in particular a shot of a mean-looking black guy beneath a banner that says “Wanted for Rape.”
“You know,” said one Pole to his friend, “they get all the good jobs.”
*
A Pole has a big date, so he goes to the drug-store to buy some condoms. “That’ll be $2.59 plus tax,” says the clerk.
“What?” exclaims the Pole. “They don’t stay up by themselves?”
*
Two Polish girls were walking down the street on a Saturday afternoon. One looks over and notices that her friend is walking a bit oddly, with her legs far apart. “Zelda,” she asks, “why are you walking like that? Is something wrong?”
“Hey, I got a big date tonight,” says Zelda. “My hair’s in curlers.”
*
Why are there no ice cubes in Poland?
They lost the recipe.
*
Did you hear about the Pole who keeps a store of empty beer bottles handy . . . for his friends who don’t drink.
*
What do Poles say before picking their noses?
Grace.
*
Joe Kowalski emigrates from Poland to America, filled with excitement at the promise his new land holds. He gets into a taxi at the airport and instructs the driver to take him to the Yimca Hotel. Perplexed, the cabbie goes over to another driver, who explains that his passenger means the YMCA. “He must be Polish—that’s where they always want to go.”
Joe is astonished when the cabbie asks him if he’s Polish. How did he know? he wonders. He makes a vow to learn perfect English and become expert in the ways of his new country so that never again will he be taken for a foreigner, let alone a Pole. So he studies and studies, and finally decides it’s time to give his English a field test. Repeating the phrase over and over to get it letter-perfect, he goes out to the corner store. Standing at the counter, he says in perfect English, “May I please have a quart of milk, a dozen eggs, and a quarter pound of Swiss cheese?”
“You Polish or something?” asks the proprietor.
“Why, yes, but . . . how did you know?” stammers Joe. “Did I not say it right?”
“You said it fine,” says the fellow behind the counter, “but this is a hardware store.”
*
Why don’t Polish women breast-feed their babies?
It hurts too much when they boil the nipples.
*
Why do Polish men make lousy lovers?
Because they always wait for the swelling to go down.
*
What’s this? (Puff out your cheeks.)
A Polish sperm bank.
*
What do you call a Pole with 1500 girl friends?
A shepherd.
*
Why are there no Polish ballerinas?
Because when they do splits, they stick to the floor.
*
Why are “Polish” and “polish” spelled the same way?
Because Webster didn’t know shit from Shinola.
*
What happens when a Pole doesn’t pay his garbage bill?
They don’t deliver anymore.
*
Did you hear about the Pole who won a gold medal in the Olympic Games?
He had it bronzed.
*
There’s this farmer with a two-seater outhouse, and one morning he happens to be sharing it with a Pole. “Dammit!” says the farmer, pulling his pants up. “I dropped a quarter in there.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll get it for you,” offers the Pole,who gets up and proceeds to pull out a five-dollar bill and throw it down the farmer’s hole.
“What did you do that for?” asks the bewildered farmer.
“Hell,” says the Pole, “you didn’t think I’d go down there just for a quarter, did you?”
*
Did you hear about the Polish parachute?
It opens on impact.
*
This Pole got married, but he was too dumb to know what to do on his wedding night.
“For God’s sake, Stan,” said his bride, “you take that thing you play with and you put it where I pee.”
So he got up and threw his bowling ball in the sink.
What does a WASP do when his car breaks down?
Fixes it.
*
How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
*
Two WASPs were walking down the street. One turned to the other and said, “You know, you’re my best friend but you never ask how I’m doing, how things are going, how’s business?”
“Okay,” said his friend, “how’s business?”
“Fine.”
*
What do WASPs do instead of making love?
Rule the country.
*
What does a WASP mom make for dinner?
HandicappedA crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, and a delicious dessert.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the swimming pool?