“Spot!” called out the young woman’s mother to the family dog, lying at the young man’s feet.
Relieved at the dog’s having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.
“Spot!” she called out sharply.
“I’ve got it made,” thought the fellow to himself. One more and I’ll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
“Spot!” shrieked the mother. “Get over here before he shits on you!”
*
If a stork delivers white babies and a crow delivers black babies, what kind of bird delivers no babies?
A swallow.
*
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Nothing. He can’t come when you call.
*
What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle?
A dildo.
*
This little kid is taking a walk with his father around the neighborhood and what should they come across in an empty lot but two dogs going at it furiously. “Daddy,” asked the kid, tugging on his father’s sleeve, “what are those dogs doing?”
“Well, Billy,” said his father, “they’re making puppies.”
A week later Billy gets thirsty in the middle of the night and wanders into his parents’ bedroom, catching them in the act. “Daddy,” he asks plaintively, “what are you and Mommy doing?”
“Well, Billy,” says his slightly red-faced father, “we’re making babies.”
“Daddy, Daddy,” cries Billy, “roll her over—I’d rather have puppies.”
What do you call a cow who’s had an abortion?
Decaffeinated.
*
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
*
What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind before hitting the windshield at 80 mph?
Its asshole.
*
A man was surprised by the sight of a fellow walking down the sidewalk holding a three-legged pig on a leash. Unable to restrain his curiosity, he crossed the street and said to the guy, “That’s quite a pig you have there.”
“Let me tell you about this pig,” said the guy. “This pig is the most amazing animal that ever lived. Why, one night my house caught on fire when my wife and I were out, and this pig carried my three children to safety and put out the fire before the firemen could get there.”
“Wow!” said the first man. “But what about—”
“And that’s not all,” interrupted the guy. “My house was broken into when my wife and I were sound asleep, and this pig had the valuables back in place and the thief in a half nelson before we got to the bottom of the stairs.”
“That’s pretty impressive,” conceded his listener. “But how come—”
“And listen to this!” burst in the guy. “When I fell through some thin ice while skating, this pig dove in and pulled me out and safely to shore. This pig saved my life!”
“That’s really great,” said the first man, “but I have to know one thing. How come the pig only has three legs?”
“Hey listen,” replied the proud owner, “a pig like this you can’t eat all at once.”
*
What’s brown and white, lives in the forest, and doesn’t have a mother?
Bambi.
*
This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging on the porch by moving around to the horse’s hindquarters, lifting up its tail, and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.
“What’d you do that for?” asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
“Chapped lips,” said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
“Wait a minute,” said the old guy. “Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?”
“Keeps ya from lickin’ ’em,” explained the cowboy.
*
Why don’t bunnies make noise when they screw?
They have cotton balls.
*
A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved cat in his brother’s care. The minute he’s cleared customs, he calls up his brother and inquires after his pet.
“Your cat’s dead,” replies his brother bluntly.
The guy is devastated. “You know how much that cat meant to me,” he moaned into the phone. “Couldn’t you at least have thought of a nicer way of breaking the news? Couldn’t you have said, Well, you know, the cat got out of the house one day and climbed up on the roof, and the fire department couldn’t get her down, and finally she died of exposure . . . or starvation . . . or something? Why are you always so thoughtless?”
“Look, I’m sorry,” said his brother. “Ill try to do better next time.”
“Okay, let’s just put it behind us. How are you, anyway? How’s Mom?”
His brother is silent a moment. “Uh,” he stammers, “uh . . . Mom’s on the roof.”
*
Why does Miss Piggy douche with vinegar and honey?
Kermit likes sweet-and-sour pork.
*
This guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office with a duck on his head. “May I help you?” politely inquires the psychiatrist.
“Yeah,” says the duck. “Get this guy off my ass.”
*
What’s the difference between a rooster and a whore?
A rooster says cock-a-doodle-doo; a whore says, “Any cock’ll do.”
How about the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A rooster clucks defiance . . .
*
Do you know why the British ships came back from the Falkland Islands full of sheep?
War brides.
*
This big black guy comes into a bar in the deep South with an alligator on a leash. “You serve martinis?” he asks the bartender, who’s eyeing him suspiciously.
“Yes, we do.”
“You serve niggers?”
“Yes, we do.”
“I’ll have a martini for myself,” says the guy, “and a nigger for my alligator.”
*
What do elephants use for condoms?
Goodyear blimps.
*
Why did the rooster cross the basketball court?
He heard the ref was blowing fouls.
*
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Eight inches isn’t enough.
*
Where’s an elephant’s sex organ?
In his feet. If he steps on you, you’re fucked.
*
What do you do when you come across an elephant?
Wipe it off.
*
Did you hear about the alligators in Florida sporting little Jews on their T shirts?
*
How about the flamingos in Florida with pink cement Italians on their lawns?
*
What do you get when you cross a Pole and a monkey?
Nothing. A monkey’s too smart to fuck a Pole.
*
Did you hear about James Watts’ appearance on Julia Child’s cooking class?
Giving lessons in how to carve a California condor . . .
*
How can you tell if you’re overweight?
If you step on your dog’s tail and it dies.
*
Why do crabs have circles under their eyes?
HerpesFrom sleeping in snatches.
What’s the difference between mono and herpes?
You get mono when you snatch a kiss.
*
Did you hear about the Polish hooker with herpes?
She charged extra for multiple organisms.
*
What’s the fourth biggest lie?
It’s only a cold sore.
*
Did you hear about the gay guy who was so hip he got Herpes III?
*
Did you hear about the cure for herpes?
Extra-Strength Tylenol.
*
What do you call herpes above and below the waist?
Herpes duplex.
*
What do you get when you fuck a midget?
Twerpies.
When you fuck a bird?
Chirpies.
And when you fuck ice cream?
Slurpies.
*
What’s the difference between love and herpes?
Herpes is forever.
Did you hear about the leper who made his living as a gigolo?
He was doing great until business fen off.
*
Why was time-out called in the leper hockey game?
There was a face-off in the corner.
*
How can you tell when a valentine is from a leper?
The tongue’s in the envelope.
*
How could you tell when the poker game between lepers was over?
Someone threw his hand in.
*
Why did the brothel in the leper colony close down?
The tips weren’t worth it.
*
Know anyone who wants to do charity work in India?
MiscellaneousThey need people to sort unclaimed feet in the leper colony.
A stuck-up fellow comes into a bar and proclaims himself the finest wine connoisseur in the city. He’s so good, in fact, that he can identify the vintage and vineyard of any wine they carry, just from a sip.
Skeptical, the barman puts down a glass of white in front of him. “Pinot Grigio from Abruzzi,” he proclaims. “1979 was a very poor year; please offer me something better the next time.” Next is a rich glass of red. “Mouton Lafitte Rothschild, 1956. From the first row of vines on the westernmost hill. Quite delicious.” The man goes on to correctly identify Californian reds, Spanish rosés, and sweet German whites, until the bartender is sick to death of him. Turning aside, he discreetly pees in a glass, chills it, and sets it before the connoisseur.