I need distance—time and distance. I’ve always heard those fix everything. Incidentally, I’m pretty sure that is a lie.
So I drive to the local Greyhound station, say goodbye to my life in Kentucky and hop a bus back to Tennessee. I visit my parents’ graves. I cry. I replace my wardrobe with their money. I finally accept it is my money now. It can’t be more real than looking at tombstones.
I do all of that, feeling half alive. Before I know it, a couple of weeks have gone by. Jacob knows where I’m at. I know because he’s called. He calls a lot. I usually let the machine answer. I talked to him once. I told him again that we were done. I didn’t let him talk. I was afraid to. As much as I insist that we are done, I have this small hope that somehow Jacob will fight for me—fight for us. He hasn’t. I’m glad—at least that’s what I tell myself.
Jacob’s mom has come by. She doesn’t know I’m pregnant, but apparently Jacob has asked her to check on me and make sure I’m okay. That’s kind of sweet, but I can’t weaken. I’ve had enough.
I’m so tired lately. My doctor assures me that this is normal, but most afternoons it is all I can do hold my eyes open. It’s only one in the afternoon now and I’m lying in bed. I’m almost out when the phone rings. Maybe that explains why I reach over and pick up the receiver, I know who it is. I know and honestly, I want to hear his voice.
“Hello.”
“How are you?” Nicole asks and I ignore the disappointment that falls over me.
“I’m okay,” I lie. “Getting settled in.”
“Stop lying to me,” she responds and I smile. I’ve missed Nicole.
“I miss him.”
“I know, Care,” she says and I figure she does because that one sentence is filled with sadness.
“I was hoping he’d follow me and tell me…”
“I know that too. I’m sorry.”
“How’s he doing?” I ask because I can’t stop myself.
“Avoiding everyone and getting drunk a lot.”
“Does he ask about me at all?” Damn, I wish I was strong enough to not ask that question.
“I don’t think he knows we talk, but he’s not really talking with any of us.”
“How’s the baby?” We ask each other at the same time and Nicole laughs, I can only manage a half way smile.
“I’m starting to show. It’s a small bump, but it’s there. I go next week to find the sex of the baby. How about you?”
“Nothing to show here, but I’m so tired and it’s probably too soon but this morning the smell of bacon made me hurl.
“Ohhh…Bacon…I need some of that.”
“I take it no sickness?” I ask and this time it was a real smile on my face, mostly anyways.
“Hell no! I’m just hungry all the time. I swear by the time I have little Dragon I’m going to weigh five hundred pounds.”
“Well Dragon does love your ass…”
“Yeah well, there will sure be plenty of it for him to love at this rate. Are you taking care of yourself? I’m worried about you being alone right now,” she responds and although her concern makes me feel better, I wish it was coming from Jacob.
“I’m okay. Don’t worry about me.”
“Yeah, that’s not going to happen girl. I better get though I’ll call you again tomorrow. There’s a party here tonight and Dragon’s flipping his shit because Skull and his boys will be here. You should see the outfit he wants me to wear.”
I definitely smile now because Nicole has told me how jealous Dragon is, especially of Skull.
“What is it?”
“Oh my lord woman, it’s like this dress from the eighties that has poufy shoulders and buttons all the way to the wrist and buttons up at the neck! The neck, Carrie!”
I laugh out loud.
“Well some of those dresses can be pretty?” I try to console her, but the response comes out as a question, because I know it will get worse.
I was right.
“Carrie! It comes down to my ankles! MY ANKLES!”
“Well…”
“WOMAN! It has flowers on it! Before you start, it’s not flowers like you wear! We’re talking full-fledged pink and dusty rose flowers that are like bigger than a dinner plate all over the damn thing! My grandmother would have refused to wear this dress.”
“So, I take it you’re not wearing it?”
“Not on your life. I’m wearing the sleaziest outfit I could find and I raided Lip’s closet, so there you go.”
“Dragon will go off the deep end.”
“Probably, but I’ll get sex out of it and get to watch him explode so hey.”
“Love you, Nicole.”
“Right back at you girl, don’t you forget it. We’ll talk soon.”
“Okay,” I stare at the phone in my hand once she hangs up.
I miss her. I miss all of them to be honest. It hurt to hear that Jacob hasn’t been asking about me. I didn’t expect him to, but really it would have been nice. As I put the phone down, my stomach drops. Party? The picture of Jacob with Tash on his lap comes to mind and I want to scream.
I go grab the pint of chocolate ice cream I have in the freezer instead.
Dancer
T
wo weeks. It’s
been two weeks since I’ve laid eyes on Carrie. It’s been almost as long as that since I’ve heard her voice. I call every night. Fuck sometimes twice a night. She’s only picked up once. It turns out you can walk around dead on the inside. I am. Nothing seems to matter anymore. It’s all empty without my woman. I asked my mom to check on her. I finally broke down and called her the other night, desperate to know someone was trying to take care of Carrie. Mom’s not exactly happy with me either, so that conversation did nothing to lessen the guilt eating me alive since Carrie left.
I want to fucking scream and go and get her. I don’t. She deserves someone to make her happy, someone who can get his life together. That’s obviously not me.
I say obviously because it’s another night alone without her and I’m at the club, drunk off my ass and the party hasn’t even started yet. It’s not due to start for another couple of hours. Dragon is throwing a party to announce Nicole being pregnant with his baby. They’ve apparently set a wedding date too. La’ de’ fucking da.
I look over at them. He’s got her on his lap, their hands overlapping on her stomach. She’s got a small bump there. It’s barely noticeable and you’d probably not see it now except for what she is wearing.
Actually I’m kind of surprised that Dragon let his woman dress like that. She’s got a lot of skin showing and if that skirt got any shorter I could see her ass. As it is, you can still catch a glimpse here and there. No way in hell I’d let Carrie wear anything like that.
I stare at their hands and watch as Dragon leans down to place a kiss on her stomach. The bitterness twists in my gut. What would it be like to be a whole man? To be able to claim your woman and your baby to the world, knowing you could protect them, be there for them and not fail them…
My baby.
I’m so screwed up in the head. I don’t know how I feel. I want Carrie. I think I could be almost whole with Carrie. I could be normal…mostly. A baby? A baby changes everything. I never had a father, not really. Even after I left the streets there wasn’t much time to enjoy having a father before I was the one working and providing and taking care of the family. But hell, I couldn’t even get through a regular work day without having a panic attack and that’s when things were good. Now without Carrie the only way I can face the sun is to be buried in a bottle. That’s weak. Being…raped is weak. As always, the word echoes through me and I down the rest of my drink trying to bury it. I pour another shot as I watch Dragon kiss his woman and then follow Crusher and Freak outside. They don’t ask me to join them. It doesn’t surprise me. I haven’t felt like part of their group since I got sent up. Maybe I should leave? Head out somewhere warm, Florida maybe or Arizona. Start fresh far away from the dark memories that haunt me, I could do it. It might be better. A new life, a new world and eventually this pain of missing Carrie and not being part of her life would lessen.
“Hey, baby. You look lonesome.”
I look up to see Tash. I look at her—really look at her. There’s nothing wrong with being a Twinkie. Lips is a great example of a good woman. Tash though…she’s ugly, and I’m not talking about the outside. Inside she’s ugly—like me. She’s got the same rotting insides as I do. This is what I deserve. Carrie, the baby…that’s not the life for me. I should have never touched her—never let myself dream.
“Sure baby climb on board,” I tell her, patting my lap. She slides on and my dick…lays there. Her perfume feels as if it’s going to choke me. Carrie doesn’t wear perfume. Her scent is a mixture of the lotion and shampoo she uses. It’s clean, sweet and…too good for me.
She starts licking on my neck like some damn dog in heat. Is this what I have to look forward to in life? I down another shot to dull the feel of her.
“Keep your fucking hands away from my head, Tash,” I bark when she starts to pull my face to her. I can’t handle that shit. I couldn’t handle certain things with Carrie, but the feel of this bitch’s hands pulling my head down… fuck I want to vomit. Instead, I down another drink. My hands are shaking. Images flash in my mind. I was unconscious during most of my attack but every now and then I remember the smell, the voices, and the laughter as another… SHIT! Why the fuck are the memories getting more intense and coming so often?
I look back at Nicole, her face is blurry as hell. I see her laughing, her hand on her stomach. My mind pictures Carrie in that same pose, laughing and being happy—with me. The thought of her makes my dick jerk, which considering the bottle I’ve ingested is a miracle. Tash is undoing my pants. What does it matter? Not a damn thing, unless you count the fact that my dick just shriveled up at the thought.
I’m about to push the bitch off of me when I feel her hand graze the head of my cock. I can feel bile rise in my throat. I haven’t been able to let anyone touch my dick, but me. I grieved it. I wanted Carrie to suck me off. I longed for it. Yet, just the thought of giving someone control…
I take another drink. The bottle is empty now. I’m going to grab another and get the fuck away from Tash and pray the liquor does its job.
“You disgust me,” Nicole says from beside me.
I jerk around to face her, swaying but I manage to stay on the stool. She’s looking at me with so much revulsion it pisses me the hell off. She wasn’t lying. Fuck I was pretty sick of myself. Still I don’t appreciate this bitch calling me out in front of everyone.
“Who the hell do you think you are?” I ask, knowing if Dragon walks in, he will hand me my ass on a platter.
“I am apparently the only one here with enough nerve to tell you what a fuck up, you’re being. I know you got shit going on in your head Dancer, but don’t you think it’s time to grow the hell up? You’re home now quit hurting people who give a damn about you and be a fucking man!”
“Woman, I’m not going to tell your ass again. Get the hell out of my business.”
“Carrie is my business.”
“I don’t owe that cunt a damn thing. She wanted my cock and she got it. End-of-story!”
Even saying this shit hurts me, but I can’t give in. Carrie left me. She gave up on me. She finally discovered what I already know. She’s too good for me.
“You’re such a pig. She loves you. Dragon does too.”
Her words cut open the part inside of me that isn’t dead. Dragon and Carrie are probably the only two people in my life who have ever cared about me besides Jazz. That thought hurts so deep, I lash out.
“The bitch asked for my cock, she got it. Who I give my dick to, is none of your fucking concern. That is unless you want to take a ride on the train too?”
“Don’t make me gag! You stay drunk off your ass! You take a good woman’s virginity, who just so happens to love you and you just kick her to the curb for a woman whose pussy has been used so many times it’s wider than the grand fucking canyon? What is wrong with you?”
“What’d you say about me bitch?” Tash joins in.
“Do you really want me to show you how the fuck I feel about you again Tash? If you do, bring it on. I’ll do your ugly ass a favor and break your nose the other way this time and get rid of that nasty crooked shit you got going on,” Nicole responds.
“Are you going to let her talk to me like that?” Tash asks.
I hold my head down and rub the bridge of my nose. Fuck a duck, I can’t handle this.
“Bitch please, your legs get spread more than peanut butter,” Nicole snaps at Tash and I want to laugh.
“Well I never!” Tash whines back and her voice is so grating I cringe.
“There are three words no one ever thought they’d hear out of your mouth. I guess God still gives out miracles.”
“I doubt you know anything about God,” Tash snaps in response to Nicole.
“I know you’ve been on your knees more than Billy Graham, does that count?”
“Bitch…”
“WILL YOU TWO SHUT THE HELL UP? I’m fucking tired of it. Nicole, get your cunt ass back to Dragon and get the fuck away from me!”
The room goes completely quiet. It had died down before, but this quiet is more.
“I can’t believe you, but yeah I’ll leave you alone. Carrie and the baby are better off without your sorry ass anyway.”
I get out of my chair pushing Tash off of me. I need out of here. It feels like I’m fucking choking on the air.
“Only time I need to hear or see your damn mouth is if you want to suck my cock. I hear you’re good at that shit…”
I growl dismissing Nicole, intent on getting the fuck out of here.
“What the fuck did you just say to my woman, Dance?” Dragon yells out from across the room.
I shove Nicole out of my way, I have to leave. The room is swimming and my heart is pounding double time. I can’t let anyone see me like that. I can’t….
Dragon grabs the edge of a table and propels it half way across the room. Before I even blink, he’s in front of me and his fist is coming at my face.
It’s one punch and I’m down. I couldn’t stand after a punch like that, even sober. I lay on the floor trying for some reason to hold onto consciousness.
I look up and focus on Dragon. He is looking down at me and again it’s just another person with disgust in their eyes. I try to shake off the effects of the upper cut and all of the alcohol swimming in my system, I can’t.