Turn Towards the Sun Book Two: After the Rain (11 page)

“Were you serious about her?” I ask.

“Define serious.” The clipped tone reveals his guard is high.

I glare at him. He’s keeping secrets and I don’t like it.

“Don’t play games, Enzo. You know what serious means. We’re serious. Lucia was serious. Were you fucking serious with her? It’s a simple question.”

His eyebrows rise. “No, not in the way it is with you. Not even the way it was with Lucia. But it was involved. I saw her a lot because she understood.”

“Understood what?”

“My need
,” he says, softly.

“Your need to dominate?”

“Yes. She knew how to… keep me.”

I climb out of bed, suddenly not wanting to be close to him. “Do you still have this need?”

Enzo doesn’t answer me and stays sitting on the bed, his head lowered. His demeanor makes me unsure whether I want to hear his answer.

“Are you going to answer me?”

“I told you, it was a long time ago. I don’t need that now.”

He continues to avoid eye contact and I’m not sure I believe him.

“When were you going to tell me this?” I ask.

“Well the book was just–”

“Not about the book, Enzo. About your need,” I say, crossing my arms and staring hard at him.

“I’m not sure I was going to. I only tried it for a short time. I don’t like what it does to me. It only happened with her, and never again after that.”

“So it just goes away? You don’t feel it anymore because you don’t want to? Sounds like this Emma chick had a pretty strong hold over you because of this need, as you call it.”

“I had just learned about it, and I was experimenting. She let me.”

“You’re still not saying that you don’t need it,” I repeat. “You’re saying you don’t want to need it. That is not the same thing.” My voice begins to rise, revealing my increasing anger with the situation.

“If you’re suggesting that I still want that lifestyle, I don’t. I don’t want that with you, Ava. You’re my wife. I will not dominate my wife.” His voice turns cold, and I know this is about to head straight into a fight.

“If not with me, then who?” I demand to know. “Who will you fulfill this need with if the desire comes back? Emma? Or some other chick who comes along and wants to be submissive to you? I’m sure you’d find plenty of takers.”

Oh shit, my green-eyed monster just reared her ugly head. I’m torn apart by jealousy. This woman gave him something I haven’t. Because I didn’t know. I don’t even know what being submissive is.

“I would never cheat on you,” Enzo says. “You know that.”

“I know that every need you have should be met by me. Is this something you still feel?”

He stares at me for a moment and something in his eyes changes. “Sometimes, yes.”

I breathe in deeply at his admission. Now it’s my turn to pace the room. How do I deal with this?

“What does it involve? What exactly is in this book?” I ask him.

Enzo rolls off the bed and turns away from me. “I thought she and I had an understanding. I really believed she could be trusted. I did a lot of things with her that I would never want you or my family to know about. We’re going to be faced with it tomorrow, and I’m sure it’s going to be ugly. I want you to stay home for a while until it blows over.”

“Wait a minute. You skipped over some steps there. When did you decide that I’m being locked in the house over this? Why won’t you just answer me?” I’m close to yelling at this point.

“I decided it the minute I learned about this problem.”

“It’s your problem, not mine. Why do I have to be the one who is locked up?” I’m definitely yelling now.

“You’re not being locked up. Goddammit, Ava, this is for your privacy too.”

“I don’t need to protect my privacy. No one wrote a book about me.” I stomp into the living room. He quickly reaches me and grabs my arm, but I pull it away. “Leave me alone,” I yell.

My husband grabs me again and pushes me gently towards the couch. “I will never leave you alone, ever. You need to calm down so that we can talk this through.”

“I don’t need to do anything. I can do whatever I want.”

“I know,” he says, softly.

“Why won’t you just tell me the truth?” I demand again. “You’re hiding something. I don’t think you’re being honest with me right now, and that’s what hurts the most.”

“I don’t want to be honest with you. Can’t you see? I’m only telling you what you need to know. Can’t I keep my past to myself?”

“No, because it’s not your past anymore – it’s happening right now.” I rub my forehead, already tired of this talk. “It’s here in the present, sitting right here on this couch between us. It’s not going away, and you still haven’t told me how you plan to live your life with me with a desire that you aren’t sharing. I’m your wife,” I shriek.

“Stop it, Ava. Just stop it.” He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. “You’re making me crazy.”

“Yeah, I know. Always.”

We stare at each other, knowing we’ve reached an impasse and one of us is going to have to concede. I know one thing-it ain’t gonna be me.

Enzo breaks the silence first. “You want honest? Here it is.” He runs his hand through his hair again. “Sometimes I do want to dominate you, very much. I want to tie you up and have my way with you. I want to smack your delectable little ass every time I see you, every day. Especially right now when you push me like this.” His voice turns thick with desire. “So, yes, I want that. It’s a need. I need you, but you know that. You know how you make me feel. That is the farthest it goes.”

I feel tingly inside, which shocks me. This is a serious conversation and I’m getting turned on.

He continues, “I want you because you are the most desirable woman I’ve ever met. But, Ava, I love you too much to do the things I did before. I love you too much to treat you like that. I want to show you respect and honor because you deserve it. We should be equals in all things. Besides, you don’t have a submissive bone in your body. It wouldn’t work.”

“How do you know?” I ask. “You’ve never shared this with me. Don’t you remember that incredible morning when you tied me to the bed? I remember it. I loved it.”

Enzo reaches for my hand and I let him take it. Looking up at me, he smiles at last. “Yes, I remember that. I loved it too, because it was with you, and there was love between us.”

My voice softens. “I don’t know what being submissive is, but if it’s something you want and need, we should talk about it. Anyway, keeping secrets from me is not respecting me.”

“You’re right, I didn’t think of it as a secret. I just considered it a part of my past that wasn’t important anymore.”

“But it’s not in the past,” I remind him.

“I see that, but I don’t know if I could get comfortable with sharing that part of myself with you. It was ugly.”

Just when I thought we were getting somewhere, he shuts down again. Finally, I feel that I’ve had enough and tears fill my eyes. I’ve married a man who isn’t sure he can share a part of himself with me – he can’t give me everything.

He looks at me, his eyes filled with sadness. “No, Ava, please don’t cry. You know your happiness is the most important thing to me. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“It does hurt. You’re not willing to give all of yourself to me.”

“Dammit,” Enzo says, slamming his hand down on the table in front of us, causing me to jump out of my skin. “Haven’t I proven myself to you? Haven’t I shown you that my love is unconditional? I love you more than anything. Don’t you get it? My decision not to share this with you is about love. I want us to have a normal life together, and I’m not treating my wife like some fucking slut I slept with four years ago. You are too good for that.”

Enzo stands and walks across the living room to stare out the window. The sun is just coming up, which means we will have to leave in a few hours.

I don’t know what to think. There are two things I do know – he loves me and he has a past. In his mind this is all about protecting me, but it doesn’t feel right that such an important part of him is closed off.

“You would feel the same way if you found out I was keeping something from you,” I begin again. “You would, Enzo.”

“I know,” he replies, but he doesn’t turn to face me.

“The things we do together are consensual, they’re between us,” I continue. “Just because you did something with someone else before doesn’t mean you can’t do it with me. Besides, this whole thing isn’t about sex. It’s about talking to each other and being open. I take you as you are, completely, and I know you take me as I am.”

Standing up, I walk towards him and take his hands in mine. “Enzo, please look at me.”

He finally lifts his face, so I can gaze once again into his deep blue eyes. My heart hurts when I see how sad they are.

“We need to be on the same page before we get on that plane in a few hours,” I plead. “We’re going to be torn apart if we can’t pull together. You are everything to me, Enzo, and you always will be, but I need your trust. You need to trust me that whatever you’re going through, I’m going to go through it with you. And that I’m going to love you through it, no matter what. That’s what wives do.”

Enzo takes me in his arms and squeezes me. “I do trust you. I just didn’t want you to be dragged through this because of my poor choices in the past.”

“I’m with you now. We go through everything in life together.”

My husband leans in and kisses me, and I respond fervently. I know it will be hard to face this mess when we get home, but as long as I’m with him, I feel that everything will be alright.

“Thank you, Ava. Thank you for loving me, for being my wife, and sharing my life with me. I love you so much that I can’t even think straight sometimes. It’s all about you. You know that. Everything I do is about you. I don’t want to keep secrets. I just thought I should try to shield this from you.”

“I just want to be close to you right now. I want you to feel how much I love you,” I say.

Enzo leads me to the couch and wraps me in his arms. His mouth finds mine. We kiss a deep, to the core, kiss. I can’t catch my breath. My heart aches with love for this man.

“I would never, could never, touch another woman,” he says. “It’s only you. It’s always been you and it always will be.”

I whisper, “I know, just me.”

“You trust me?” he asks.

“Yes.”

We lay there together, breathless, exhausted, and yet somehow at peace.

“I love you, Enzo.”

“I know. It’s amazing.”

I look up at him. “No, it isn’t. You deserve me.”

“I hope I do,” he adds.

“I know you do. We’ll get through this together.”

“Yes. Together.”

6 CHAPTER SIX

Curled up on the couch, my husband and I hold each other until it’s time to go. Earlier, I wanted to go home, now I’d rather stay here forever. I have no desire to face what is waiting for us in Phoenix. I can only hope that, over time, we can settle into a life where the media is not part of the equation.

I feel that this dominant/submissive issue is bigger than this book and that I need to research it, especially with Enzo so upset. There must be more to it than an occasional spanking. Certainly, that’s not exciting enough to write a whole chapter about. My head spins just thinking about it all.

As tired as I am, I pull myself up from the couch to start getting ready to leave. I glance down at Enzo. With his eyes closed, he looks peaceful, but I imagine his mind is probably racing. I watch him, enjoying this moment of calm.

“Tesoro, we should get up, no? Our plane leaves in a few hours.” I speak softly to him in case he really is asleep.

Enzo stirs and opens his sweet eyes. “Yes, I know. I just wanted to be here a little longer, with you.” Sitting up, he smiles at me. “Thank you for coming with me on this business trip. I’m sorry it ended on a sour note.”

“It was nice. Back to real life now,” I add, smiling, with just a hint of melancholy.

A frown crosses Enzo’s gorgeous features and he rises, pulling me into his arms. We stare into each other’s eyes for a moment, saying nothing. To me, he’s so breathtaking that I know I’ll never get enough of looking at him. Sometimes I still can’t believe I’m his wife.

“Promise you won’t run, Ava. Promise me, no matter how tough things get, that you won’t run from me. You’ll always stay with me and always love me.” He sounds so sad and worried that it pulls on my heart.

“I did promise you that when I became your wife. I’m not running. I can’t imagine anything that would be so bad that I wouldn’t want to stay with you. I love you unconditionally, remember?”

Enzo’s lips touch mine in a deep, soul-clenching kiss. I feel his fear and desperation as he pulls me tighter. Inside, I brace myself for what’s coming. Enzo doesn’t upset easily, so this can’t possibly be a small thing.

He lifts his head and smiles at me. “Andiamo, amore?”

“Yep. Andiamo.”

****

“We’re here, amore,” Enzo tells me.