Twins times two! (19 page)

Only then, after he'd made peace with himself and the ghosts of his past, could he approach Cara with a heart that was completely free.

Chapter Fourteen

Over the next few days Cara became keenly aware of the way that Ross went out of his way to avoid her, and she was hurt.

Was she that horrible a person? A lover? A woman? More than ever she was reminded of the circumstances surrounding their marriage. Again and again she tried to remind herself that she didn't have a right to make any emotional demands on their relationship. Theirs was a marriage of convenience, a business arrangement, a parenting partnership.

But her heart wouldn't listen. Try as she might, she couldn't seem to banish the need for a shred of fondness, companionship, devotion.

In such times she chided herself for being a fool and marrying a man who was too much like her first husband. But even that argument was begin-

ning to wear thin. She had long ago come to the conclusion that comparing Elliot to Ross was like comparing mud to water. Yes, the two men were wealthy and powerful, but there the similarities ended. Elliot had been a user. From the beginning he had manipulated their relationship to fit his own ends without regard to her happiness. But Ross...

Was Ross so different? Hadn't he arranged their marriage to ensure the welfare of his children? Was his manipulation of the situation any less real just because it had been done on behalf of the children?

Yes, she realized. The situation was very different. Where Elliot had been concerned with nothing more than his own goals and objectives, Ross was deeply concerned about all of the children—hers as well as his. Moreover, she was beginning to see that Ross was as deeply concerned about her own happiness. He would offer her anything she wanted.

Anything but his own heart.

And therein lay the problem. Despite the fact that she had told herself she would never love again, that she would never willingly trust a man with her heart, that she would keep all of her relationships uncomplicated and based on nothing more than mutual respect and affection...

She now wanted more. So much more.

Cara bit her lip, blinking back the tears that

sprang to her eyes. Now that they had made love, they could never return to a platonic arrangement. And the thought of making love to him again without any emotional ties on his part was more painful than she ever would have imagined.

A bitter laugh tumbled from her lips. Life could be cruel at times. Just when she'd thought she had begun to follow a smooth, trouble-free existence, she had discovered that she did believe in marriage and love and commitment and all its trappings.

Which made it even harder to face the fact that Ross might never love her as much as he did Nancy.

And Cara was swiftly beginning to realize that she couldn't live in a relationship where she would always be "second best" in Ross's affections.

Cara huddled in the middle of her bed, her chin upon her updrawn knees, her arms wrapped around her legs.

So what was she going to do?

The early-morning sunlight slowly crept across the carpet and onto her bed, and with each inch of progress Cara's heart ached a little more.

She really had only two options. She could stay and pray that Ross's lack of affection didn't totally destroy her spirit.

Or she could leave.

And leaving Ross now would be the only way to protect herself from future pain.

Crossing to the writing desk, she withdrew her prettiest stationery. Sitting down, she began to compose her goodbye letter to Ross—all the while knowing that she was a coward for sneaking away rather than facing him in person.

"Dear Ross...it has become clear that you can never love me..."

Shaking her head, she balled up the paper and pushed it aside. She mustn't sound that pitiful and needy.

"When you find this letter, I'll be gone..."

No. It sounded like the lyrics of a Country Western song.

"Ross, you'll never know how much I've grown to love you..."

Good grief, no. She couldn't let him see how she'd allowed herself to love a man who couldn't love her back.

For nearly an hour Cara struggled to compose a letter that would offer her reasons for leaving in a way that was logical and compassionate.

Finally, forcing herself to sign her latest version—no matter how far it fell short of the mark— she swiped away the tears streaming down her cheeks. She would leave the letter in his bedroom away from the prying eyes of the staff. Then she

would pack a few essential things for Heidi and Zoe and go to Polly's house until more formal arrangements could be made.

Slipping into a robe she padded into the hall, gazing around her.

She'd only been here for a few weeks, but already the castle was beginning to feel like a home. The warmth of the newly painted walls, the scattering of objects collected throughout her travels and the splashes of color and homey touches had helped her to bond with the huge house. Where once she had thought she would never feel comfortable, now she enjoyed its rambling halls and flowing layout.

She heard noises from across the hall and, peeking around the corner, she saw that Zoe and Becca were bent close together putting a puzzle together. The sight of the two little girls—identical except for their haircuts—tore at her heart. They'd had so little time together. The girls were just now beginning to bond with each other. If they'd been given more time...

No. She couldn't think about that now. As much as she might like to keep the girls together, she also knew that to keep them together for the sake of a dying relationship would only prolong the inevitable and increase the pain of a future parting.

She needed to make a clean break.

Today.

Farther down the hall, Cara slipped into Ross's bedroom, then stood still, absorbing the silence.

She missed him already. The scent of his cologne hung in the air along with the tang of his soap. Crossing to the closet, she stepped inside to finger the crisp white shirts, the elegantly tailored suits, and there at the far end, jeans, T-shirts and a stupid gorilla hat from their family trip to the zoo.

Without warning she began to sob—huge overwhelming sobs that welled up from the depths of her heart and tore at her fragile attempts to manipulate a situation which was already beyond her control.

In that instant she knew that she could never leave Ross Gifford. She loved him—more than she would have ever thought humanly possible. And whether or not he could ever care for her in return, she couldn't abandon him.

Not now.

Not ever.

Dropping to the floor, she wrapped her arms around her knees and wept as she had never wept before.

"Cara?" Despite the fact that the Mom Squad van hadn't

been parked in the garage, Ross still called out to her.

It never ceased to amaze him how quickly his life had changed. Where mere months ago he had been rattling around in this house, completely miserable, now he was...

Happy.

He'd never thought he would ever be happy again. Granted, there were still moments when he felt a pang of loss. He had loved Nancy and he always would. But he also knew that she wouldn't have wanted him to grieve forever. She would have wanted him to feel joy.

Which was why, after a night of soul-searching, he had come to the conclusion that he was a fool. A complete and utter fool. He had happiness staring him in the face, and he was worrying about what might happen a year from now. Ten years. A lifetime.

A smile touched his lips, then a full-fledged grin. His partner probably would have told him that a night of lovemaking was responsible for his light-heartedness.

But Ross knew different. Granted, sex with Cara had been great. He'd never known a woman like her. She was so beautiful and elegant that she gave the impression of being reserved and a bit untouch-

able. Instead she was giving, spontaneous and full of surprises.

And she'd been more than patient with him while he'd been trying to get his act together.

What had he ever done to deserve her? Few men were given the opportunity to truly love and be loved once in a lifetime. But he had known the love of two good women.

Love. The word lodged in his head and Ross grinned again.

He never would have thought it possible. But yes, he was in love. He was in love!

The thought sent such a jolt of joy through his system that he couldn't contain it. Striding through the house, he took the stairs two at a time and rushed upstairs. As of this moment he was taking the rest of the day off. He would change into some comfortable clothes—maybe even put together the swing set that was still in its box in the garage. By the time Cara returned home from her errands, he'd have a good portion of it assembled.

"Cara, are you home?" he called out as he reached the upper floors. He didn't really expect a reply since it was obvious that she and the children had gone somewhere, and Stibbs had left a note that he was shopping. It felt good to fill the silence with the sound of his own voice. Until Cara had filled his home with noise and laughter, he hadn't

realized how silent and regimented his house had become. Even his children had been relegated to the far-off nursery. At the time, he'd thought he was offering them a safe, structured environment, but he saw now that he'd been wrong. The twins needed to regard the whole house as their domain, not just the nursery. They needed their pictures splashed over the refrigerator door, their crayons stashed in a drawer in his study and their tricycles rumbling through the hall.

And a swing set. They needed the biggest damn swing set he could build them. If need be, he could call his partner and enlist his help over the weekend. Maybe after the first unit had been put together, he and Peter could design a playhouse. Didn't little girls need a playhouse for tea parties and...whatever else little girls did?

Then there was Cara. What did Cara need?

He would arrange for the florist to send her some roses for one thing. And a ring. She needed a proper wedding ring. Would she like something traditional? Or something made to her own design? Maybe he could enlist Stibbs and Melba's help, maybe he could take Cara to Park City for the weekend. They could stay in one of the little bed and breakfast places, then hit the shops on historic Main Street. It would be a great way to show her how much he'd come to love her. And with the

unconventional way their marriage had started, heaven only knew that they needed a proper honeymoon.

His exuberance filled him with an energy that he hadn't experienced in ages. Stripping out of his clothes, he didn't even bother to hang them up. Instead, he tossed everything but his suit in the general direction of the clothes hamper. Then he dragged on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt.

He was sitting on the bench fastening his tennis shoes when Ross saw a scrap of paper peeking up at him from beneath the row of charcoal-gray trousers. He was going to have to invest in some new clothes. He was tired of wearing nothing but gray suits and white shirts. Maybe Cara could help him pick out some snazzy ties, as well. He'd once had a reputation for his outrageous ties.

Bending, he snatched up the paper. Idly he opened it, wondering if he'd dropped the receipt for the swing set. But the moment the paper unfolded, the neat script leaped out at him.

Dear Ross,

There's no easy way of saying this. Heaven only knows that I've tried a dozen different ways to start this letter, but I've come to a point where I need to be honest—not just with you, but with myself as well. I was so sure

that we could make our relationship work, if only for the children. But after last night I know now that I can't go on. I think it's best that we make a clean break. So today I'll pack up my things and take the children with me to Polly's. After that I'll contact my lawyer about a divorce. I'm so sorry, but I discovered I couldn't live loving you and not being loved in return...

The strength drained from Ross's knees, and he sank onto the bench.

She was leaving him.

Cara wanted a divorce.

His eyes dropped to the paper he crumpled in his hand.

"I discovered I couldn't live loving you and not being loved in return..."

But he did love her—more than he ever would have thought possible.

Cara didn't know that.

A mix of emotions rushed through him—panic, loss and a very real fear that if he didn't make things right, he would lose Cara forever.

Jumping to his feet, Ross castigated himself for being every kind of fool imaginable. By ignoring his love for Cara, he had denied himself the

greatest happiness he could have ever known. Instead, he had filled his life with the pain of regret.

Ross was striding through the upper hallway, gaining speed with each step until he was running down the staircase.

How could he have wasted so much time? If only he had been honest with himself, he would have seen that it wasn't grief that had kept him from loving Cara. It was fear. He'd been so intent on protecting himself from losing his heart again that he had selfishly hoarded his growing affection. And in doing so, he had chased away the one woman who could make him whole again.

If only...if only...

Ross snatched his keys from the counter, knowing that he couldn't waste time thinking about what he should have done. What mattered most was that he knew he had been wrong in thinking that he would never love again. His feelings for Cara were lasting and deep. Now, it was up to him to prove to her that he no longer thought of their marriage as a quick solution to a problem. Nor was it a short-term option. He had to make her believe that he loved her—now and for all his days to come. And if she would take him back, he would spend the rest of his life proving that to her.

Ross was thinking so hard about going to Polly's house and speaking with Cara, that he nearly didn't

notice the door opening and the woman of his thoughts stepping inside. The moment his brain absorbed the fact, he tossed his keys onto the counter again, grabbed the shopping bag from her arms and set it aside, then hauled her tightly into his embrace.