Holly didn’t answer right away. She gave Lily her pacifier, then turned on a colorful video on her tablet and set it beside the seat. Lily looked content, so Holly got into the front to sit beside her sister.
“I just took a shower, okay? Sue me for grooming.”
“I’m just saying . . .”
“I know what you’re saying, Cathy. Enough. I haven’t done anything wrong.”
Cathy sighed. She made an unexpected turn, and Holly looked over at her. “Where are you going?”
“To meet Jay and do our bait and switch.”
Holly twisted in the seat and looked out the back window. There was some traffic behind them, but no one turned when they did.
“Jay’s getting us some Chinese takeout so we can take it with us.”
“Why? I thought we were going to cook.”
Cathy shook her head. “Didn’t have time to go grocery shopping.”
“I could have gone. I was looking forward to cooking. Creed said he likes to cook. He would have helped.”
“Yeah, and you could act like a happy little family. No thanks.”
Holly gaped at her. “I’m not a child, Cathy. I can cook for a man without falling for him.”
“Come on, Holly. Don’t play dumb with me. You wanted to come tonight. I didn’t want you to, but you insisted. I’m going along with it, but I think it’s a bad idea.”
Holly hooked her seat belt and crossed her arms. “A, I’m not in love with him, and B, I don’t see why it would be such a bad idea if I were. Hasn’t he done everything he promised? Hasn’t he given us information we didn’t have before?”
Cathy considered that as she drove. “Yes, he’s been very open and helpful.”
“You were supportive yesterday when I was at the hospital. You seemed to understand the things I’m going through.”
Cathy sighed. “I do. But that doesn’t mean getting more involved with him is wise.”
“So let me get this straight,” Holly said. “You don’t think
that if he’s sorry for what he’s done then he should be forgiven? Because if you don’t think he can be redeemed, then maybe I can’t be either.”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying.”
“Then what?”
“Just that your life is fragile and hard enough. Why complicate things by getting involved with a guy who has huge legal problems?”
“You got him immunity. He’s not guilty of murder, and as soon as all this is untangled, the police in Southport will know that. He hasn’t even been charged yet.”
“Holly, you can’t be that dense. You know what I mean. There’s a contract out on his life. People want him dead because of his involvement in a criminal drug ring.”
“Which he’s helping dismantle as we speak.”
Cathy drove in silence for a long moment. Finally, she spoke again. “How many times have I heard you say that you wish you’d listened to me and Juliet and Jay? How many times, Holly?”
Cathy had her there. It had happened more times than Holly could count. Was this one of those times?
She looked out the window as “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” played in the backseat. Was this different from all those other times? Was this just another case of Holly doing what she always did? Bolting headlong into a situation that would bring her heartache and pain?
She looked back at her daughter. In the mirror she’d hung on the headrest, she could see Lily drifting off to sleep. What a precious sight, her little daughter so satisfied . . .
Her heart ached for her. She wanted so much more for her. “He’s her father,” she said simply.
Cathy let out a long sigh. “I know, but . . . does that mean you have to . . . have a relationship with him?”
“Yes, I think it does.”
“You know what I mean, Holly. Don’t play stupid.”
Holly got quiet again. Finally, she looked at her sister. “I don’t know how I feel about Creed. A few days ago, he was the last person on earth I wanted to see, but like I told you, I see a lot of myself in him. The wild child who fell off the cliff . . . who has a whole body of brokenness that needs to be healed.”
Cathy’s face softened, and she met Holly’s eyes. “But you don’t have to be the one who heals him.”
“I know I don’t, but maybe I understand him.”
“And maybe you don’t.”
“There’s remorse, Cathy. He’s trying to undo it. Doesn’t that speak to his character, at least a little?”
“Not necessarily. When people are looking at prison, they’re often remorseful.”
“The whole time I was with him, he didn’t use once. He’s not an addict, he’s just a stupid rebel like me, who makes wrong choices and then has to untangle himself from the consequences. And sometimes the consequences stick around.” She looked back over the seat. “Sometimes they become blessings. Don’t you think God can do something with a man like Creed? A girl like me?”
“You know I do,” Cathy said. “I just don’t want you to be hurt. I want you to be careful. Cautious.”
“I want that too.”
It wasn’t a promise that she would be—just an acknowledgment that she wanted to be. She knew Cathy hadn’t missed that.
Cathy came to a stoplight and looked over at Holly. Headlights lit up her face for a moment, and Cathy saw the little girl in Holly’s eyes, the one abandoned by her father when he chose a mistress over all of them. She remembered Holly looking out the window at night, watching headlights and expecting him to come home, even though their mother had told her he wouldn’t.
Her father’s choices had cost them all, but Holly more than anyone. She had been a daddy’s girl, the glimmer in his eye until the day he walked away. Cathy wondered if he’d thought about what his leaving would do to Holly. Had he considered how worthless it would make her feel? How she would think it was because of something she’d done, or something she’d lacked? That she’d fly through puberty a few years later like someone out to prove something? That it would take her years to land on solid ground?
She had been on solid ground since Lily, and her remorse was real, not some speech that she’d rehearsed. Holly
had
changed. Maybe she could be trusted with her own emotions this time. And if Cathy couldn’t talk her out of a relationship with Creed, then she could at least work to keep him from becoming a convicted felon.
Without thinking, she leaned over and pressed a kiss on Holly’s cheek.
“What?” Holly asked with a smile.
“Nothing,” Cathy said. “Just . . . I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Someone behind her honked, and she saw that the light was green. She pressed the accelerator.
Holly looked back. “Is someone following us?”
Cathy turned again. “No, we’re fine. Jay should be right up here.”
When they reached the shopping center, they drove around back and stopped at the door of an empty store. Jay got out of his car and came to the back door to get Lily’s seat.
“Sure you’re doing the right thing?” he asked.
Holly hoped they weren’t about to go over the whole thing again.
“I’m sure,” Cathy said. “No one followed us, but if they did, they’ll tail you instead of us when we come out of here. Go to the nearest grocery store parking lot and go into the store. When they see that you’re not us, they’ll think they’ve been tailing the wrong car.”
“I wasn’t talking about that,” Jay said. “I was talking about Holly.”
Holly got her purse and followed him to the backseat of his car, where he placed Lily’s seat. “Please don’t preach to me, Jay. Cathy just got finished.”
He bent low and strapped the seat in, then straightened and looked down at her. “How would you see this if you were in my shoes?”
She sighed. “Like a big brother worried about his little sister who’s been known to have big lapses in judgment. But why don’t you pray for me instead of worrying or preaching?”
He smirked. “I’ll do that.”
“I think it’s okay,” Cathy said. “We’ve talked. Her head is on straight.”
Jay hugged Holly, pressed a kiss on her cheek, then took the keys from Cathy. “Call me when you’re ready to trade back.”
“Be careful,” Holly said as she got into the car.
Jay chuckled and got behind the wheel of Cathy’s car.
A
s the four of them ate, Holly and Creed were quiet while Cathy and Michael chattered, catching up on all they hadn’t been able to tell each other in the last several months. Michael kept going back to wedding plans, but Cathy’s conversation jumped from the cases they’d taken in his absence to Juliet’s grief and strength after her husband’s death to what had happened today.
When they finished, Holly cleaned up the leftovers, put them in the fridge, and began to hand wash the utensils they’d used. Creed had taken Lily out of her car seat, and he held her now, awe softening his features. “Is it okay if I just hold her while she sleeps?” he asked.
Holly smiled. “Sure, it’s okay.”
“She’s satisfied and content,” he said. “Isn’t it all amazing?”
Holly dried her hands and looked back at him. “Isn’t what amazing?”
“That you can provide exactly the amount of nutrition it takes to satisfy her.”
Holly nodded. “The first few days of her life, Juliet never stopped pointing out to me all the ways God designed mothers so perfectly to nurture their children. Like the whole pregnancy thing. Everything the baby needs to grow and flourish for nine months. The way childbirth releases hormones that set things in motion—everything from a mother’s attachment to her child, to the milk coming in. Did you know that a mother has contractions after birth, when she hears her baby crying? Her body physically responds. Just hearing Lily cry makes my hormones scream out. I can’t stand it until I pick her up.”
Creed hung on every word. She pulled out a barstool and offered it to him. He slipped onto it, swaying slightly with the baby. Holly pulled out another one and sat next to him. She smiled and touched the crown of Lily’s head.
“Did you have a hard pregnancy?” he asked softly.
She shrugged. “It was okay. Had some morning sickness, but that was the least of my worries.”
“Why?”
She breathed a laugh. “I was mostly just horrified at first.”
“So did she kick a lot? Keep you awake nights? My sister didn’t sleep the last two weeks of her pregnancy. She would bite your head off if you spoke to her.”
Holly smiled. “I probably did that too. Yes, she kicked a lot. She likes her space. It was like she was trying to stretch out more room. She weighed seven pounds three ounces. She’s about nine pounds now.”
He looked down at the baby as if considering every ounce. “Was the delivery hard?”
“It was okay. My sisters were there. They would never have let me go through that alone.”
He nodded. “My family’s kind of like that.” He looked at his daughter again, shook his head. Tears welled up in his eyes.
Holly looked away, but her gaze gravitated back.
“I’m sorry,” he said, and he worked at his mouth, trying to get his voice. “I just . . . I can’t believe I’ve let them down the way I have. Humiliated them. They wanted so much more for me. Believe it or not, they had higher dreams than for me to become a coke dealer.”
“Don’t apologize for feeling bad about that,” she whispered. “I’ve been there. So what was Plan A?”
“For me, or for them?” He wiped his eyes with his thumb and laughed. “They wanted me to be an astrophysicist or the guy who cures cancer. I just wanted to be independent, so I ditched college and moved out. My dad always thought I was good with wood like him, so he tried to get me to go to trade school to be a carpenter. I could have worked for him. Instead I became a waiter, only the tips weren’t enough, probably because I was always getting high instead of working. I didn’t want to work for my dad because I knew what he’d expect of me.”
“You must have made enough to pay rent, right?”
“Not really. That’s when I decided to sell a little coke—just to my friends who were going to buy anyway. It was fast, easy cash. So I sold more and more. But the people I was dealing with started to scare me. I told my supplier I was quitting. I couldn’t handle it anymore, even if I had to move back with my parents. Right after that the drug bust happened. I probably would’ve been there that day if I hadn’t already quit, which is why Miller and his people got suspicious of me. Figured I had unloaded to the DEA.”
“
Did
you tell the DEA?”
“No, I just wanted out. I wanted to start over. I thought I could until they tried to kill me.”
“Well, my sisters tell me that acknowledging where you went wrong is half the battle. You aren’t in denial about your part in it.”
He met her eyes. “You always make me feel better, Holly.”
Warmth rose to her cheeks. She glanced toward the kitchen door but didn’t see Michael and Cathy. They must have gone outside to the deck.
“You know,” Creed said, “there was a girl in high school I dated a couple times. A girl I really liked. She had this pink stripe in her platinum-blonde hair . . .”
“Like mine used to be.”
“That’s why I was drawn to you. She deigned to go out with me twice, only she threw me over for some dude who played guitar. She told somebody I was boring.”
“Boring? If she could see you now.”
“Yeah. She wound up serving ten years in jail for grand larceny.”
“No way.”
“Last time I saw her mug shot, she didn’t look that attractive. Still had some of the pink stripe, you know, but it didn’t look quite so edgy anymore.” His smile faded. “The stupid things we do when we’re kids. Have I told you about the tattoo on my chest that looks like a bad picture of a phoenix rising out of the ashes? It was the name of my band I had for about six months. Horrible band. The tattoo artist was a friend who swore he knew what he was doing. Came out bad. Now I hate to take off my shirt.”
Holly slipped her shoe off and pulled down her sock. “Here’s my embarrassment.”
He winced. “What is that?”
“It used to be a Chinese phrase, only I didn’t know what it said. Found out later when a Chinese friend read it to me. It’s pretty much the worst obscenity they have in Mandarin. Yep, I had it inked on my body because it looked so interesting. When I found out, I had another tattoo artist black it out. So now I have a thick black line along the side of my foot. Looks like I stepped in tar.”