Twisted Mind (Chequered Flag #2) (16 page)

“Thank you.” I gave him an appreciative smile.

We’d fallen back into our easy rapport as we shopped, the tension between us eased without the pressure of needing to talk hanging over our heads. It was a comfort I never realised I felt in Max’s company. He did put me at ease, he made me laugh, and he’d always been a good friend. At least until he wasn’t. Our shopping trip made me realise that was all he ever was.

Everything in our relationship had happened so fast and we’d made decisions for the wrong reasons. The time apart allowed me to look back at our relationship critically, unlike previously.

Our existence together had been what we thought was right. While we loved each other, it hadn’t been full of passion. The few weeks I had with Dustin proved it. Thinking about it now only made me realise we’d been more like friends and that realisation enabled me to relax around him again. I knew in my heart nothing he could say would change my mind and make me take him back. For my own sanity I needed to hear him out and maybe someday we could be friends again. Any type of romance would be impossible to salvage, though.

We were on the last flight of stairs—because I was attempting to get back in shape by not taking the lift—when I tripped. I caught my toe on the step, sending myself flying up the stairs. I dropped my bags and splayed my hand out in front of me. Max still held the other, yet he was too slow to catch me.

I avoided face planting the floor with one arm, but off balance my other foot slipped and sent me sliding down the stairs on my ass.

I bounced over each step, gravity taking control and not giving me a chance to stop myself until my feet hit the wall.

“Are you okay?” Max called, already rushing down to me.

I could only laugh. I lay back against the steps until Max stood over me. “It’s a shame I can no longer blame the crutches.”

“Tazzie, you could never blame the crutches.”

I giggled, taking the hand he offered. Heaving me up, he collected the bags that had slid down with me in one hand and kept hold of me with the other. Still laughing, I led him down the hallway until I stopped in front of my flat.

Only once I’d unlocked the door, crossed the threshold, and shut the door behind us did the reality of our situation hit me like a freight train. Suddenly everything seemed morbid and an awkward tension lingered in the air as my laughter dried up.

“Do you want a drink?” I didn’t wait for a response and headed to the kitchen to retrieve two beers from the fridge.

I hurried back into the living room, not giving myself the chance to bottle it and lock myself in the bathroom. If I gave myself even a second to consider the conversation about to take place then that was what would happen.

Holding out the beer, I jerked my head in the direction of the sofa. “Let’s get this over with.”

Max eyed the drink as if I’d presented him with a vial of cyanide. “I thought you meant tea or coffee.”

“Do you really want to have this conversation without it?” I took a swig of my beer. One drink wasn’t going to do anything to damage either of our sobrieties, but I hoped it would give my courage a much needed kick.

Max shrugged, accepted the beer, and followed me over to the sofa. I couldn’t wait to get rid of the rock hard lump of foam. I shifted to get comfortable, although my nerves may have had something to do with that.

“Is there really no chance for us, Tazzie? I meant what I said on the phone and I’d like to give this another shot if you can forgive me.”

Okay, we were jumping straight into things. I had been hoping for a little adjustment time, which clearly wasn’t going to happen.

I glanced down at the neck of my bottle, running my finger around the rim. With a regretful breath I finally met Max’s gaze. “I can’t, Max.”

“Can’t give me a chance or can’t forgive me?”

“Both, for now. Hopefully at some point I’ll be able to forgive you and move past this, but I don’t see there ever being a future for us as a couple.”

His fist tightened on his beer. “Why not? Is it because of how I acted? Because I’m willing to spend every day, every second, making it up to you. Tell me what you want and I’ll do it, Tazzie.”

The corners of my lips tilted down. This conversation was as hard as I’d expected. “There’s nothing you can do, Max. A part of it is I can’t forgive you right now, and the majority of my reasoning is it’d be wrong.”

He glanced up at me, perplexed. His eyebrows furrowed low and his mouth set in a confused line. “Why would it be wrong? We were great together until…well, until we weren’t.”

“We were friends who found ourselves in a difficult situation and tried to make it work. Yes, we were happy, yet we were forced down a path that wasn’t us. Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me if I hadn’t become pregnant you’d have proposed when you did?”

“Well…no…but…” His eyes bore into mine as he stumbled over the words. “It doesn’t mean I didn’t see a future with you, Tazzie.”

I gave him a weak smile. “We were friends who screwed around, Max. We had fun and enjoyed each other’s company, but that was it. Neither of us wanted anything serious, and if we’d have gone through with getting married it would have destroyed us in the end. We’re not right for each other.”

“I agree it all happened too quickly. It doesn’t mean we weren’t right for each other, though. I loved you and still do. It’s taken me longer than it should have to figure things out, but I do still love you.”

I shook my head. “You’re in love with the idea of me because I’m the safe bet. You know me and it’s easier to try and earn forgiveness than start over with someone new. Deep down you know we were never right. We never had an all-consuming passion in our relationship. You deserve to feel that too.”

“Too? You
have
found someone else?” I hated to see his heartbreak because with that one word his expression crumpled.

“I thought I had. It’s complicated.”

His shoulders slumped in defeat. “You feel all-consuming passion with him?”

I nodded hesitantly. Even a mere thought of Dustin spiked my pulse.

“Is he good to you?”

“We’re both working through some things. I don’t know where we stand with each other right now, but he’s a good guy. He’s been dealt a bad hand like us, but he’s got a good heart.”

Max reached over and took my hand in his. It was chilled from the beer he’d been holding and slightly damp from the condensation. He ran his thumb over the back of my hand, peering up at me through his eyelashes. “He’s an idiot if he lets you go, Tazzie. I should know.”

“Ma-ax.” My voice broke around his name. While I hated hurting him, it would have been wrong to give him false hope.

“It’s okay, Tazia. One day I’ll realise you’re right about all of this. I’m hoping it will come sooner than later, but it’s what I deserve after how I treated you.” He rose, placing the half-drunk bottle on the table, and dried his hands on his jeans.

“We both deserve someone who knocks our worlds off their axis. I was never that person for you.” Standing, I embraced him.

He locked his arms around my waist as tightly, his chin resting on top of my head. “I’m so sorry, Tazia, for everything. I should have stayed and never have blamed you. Of course it wasn’t your fault and rather than think about anything rationally, I allowed my anger to consume me and I took it out on you. I will never be able to tell you how sorry I am. You would never intentionally hurt an ant, let alone your own child.”

A familiar burning sensation rose in my eyes and throat. Burying my face in his shirt, I fisted it in my hands as I attempted to keep the tears from breaking free. When I spoke my voice sounded thick with emotion, the words hoarse and scratchy. “I don’t blame you for how you acted, Max. Yet it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt like you’d dragged me through every circle of Hell and back. I understand why you reacted the way you did. I don’t condone, although I can sympathise. You weren’t the only one in pain. One day I’ll be able to forgive you, it’s just today’s not that day. Everything is still too raw.”

I felt his lips against the top of my head and his breath swept over my scalp as he spoke. “I know, Tazzie. I’ll give you all the time you need and you know how to reach me if you ever want to talk.”

He dropped his arms from around my waist. The cold air felt like the Arctic when he stepped away.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, refusing to meet his gaze in favour of staring at my shoes.

Max placed his hand under my jaw, lifting my head until I met his damp blue eyes. His face was awash with guilt, the once captivating blue I fell in love with dimmed in pain. “Don’t you ever apologise, Tazia. I fucked up and caused all of this, not you.”

“If I’d just—”

“No, don’t even go there. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe this was the universe’s way of telling us we didn’t belong together. Hell, I don’t know. What I do know is it was never your fault. If there’s only one thing you take away from this then please let it be
none
of this was your fault.”

“I’m still sorry.” And I was sorry; sorry for everything that happened, and sorry I couldn’t forgive him.

Max dipped his head and gently pressed his lips to my cheek. “I’m sorry too. More than you will ever know.”

He pulled back and the metre he put between us felt wider than the Grand Canyon.

“I hope you work it out with this other guy and can find happiness, Tazzie. You above anyone else deserve it.” Downhearted, Max turned in the direction of the door. By the time my mouth started to work again, he’d already shut it behind him.

Kicking myself into action I raced after him.

“Max, wait!” I shouted, stepping out into the hallway to see his slumped figure pause. He glanced over his shoulder sadly.

I held up a finger then darted back into my flat to hunt for a piece of paper. Scribbling down the directions I had engrained in my mind, when I returned to Max with a sticky note in hand he’d moved back to my door.

I held out the note. “Visit her. I should have told you before now, but I was so mad at you. You shouldn’t be kept away from your own daughter, so…please visit her.”

Max scanned over the note, tears welling in his eyes. He raised his hand to wipe them away and sniffed.

“Thank you, Tazzie.”

He pulled me into a final, brief hug. Soon he was retreating down the corridor, and I knew it would probably be the last time I saw him.

Chapter

Twenty-Two

Dustin

I had been talking to Ralf when I heard Tazia’s laughter filter through my door. Even though I’d avoided her for the last few weeks to give myself the time I needed to figure everything out while I focused on promotional events at work, I still kept an eye on her. Therefore I hadn’t been able to resist peering through the peephole to see what had made her laugh.

As soon as I saw her hand-in-hand with some other bastard I wished I’d left her alone. The sight of her leading him into her flat churned my stomach as thoughts about what they were doing in there played on my mind.

More than once I strode out into the hall, prepared with an excuse to knock on her door, yet each time I’d stopped myself in time and headed back into my flat to wait.

At first I sat on the sofa, only the buzzing anxiety needed a release and soon I started to pace. Images of Tazia sprawled out on her bed in front of that wanker filled my mind.

Had I waited too long without giving her an explanation?

Of course I had. But I never thought she’d jump into bed with someone else.

My nostrils flared at the thought of anyone touching her. She was still mine. It didn’t matter my fucked up thoughts were getting in the way of letting her in, my heart had already attached itself to her and it refused to give up its claim.

I’d tried to protect it, and she’d wormed her way past my defences anyway.

“I’m going to murder him if he’s touched her, Michael,” I growled dropping down in front of the tank. Usually their swimming and the gentle hum of the filter calmed me, though not at that moment.

I stared at the seahorses for who knew how long. Time became an inane concept as I waited for the sound of her door to open. It probably wasn’t even an hour, yet it felt like days when I finally heard a Tazia’s door shut.

Standing, I strode towards mine, about to fling it open when Tazia’s voice froze my steps and my heart.

“Max, wait!”

The sound of his name shattered the frozen muscle in my chest into thousands of fragments and knocked the air form my lungs like she’d physically hit me.

Why was she with him?

What had they been doing all this time?

Was she back together with him?

Thoughts spun through my mind faster than I could comprehend. It had been bad knowing she was with some random guy, and to hear it was her ex only intensified every emotion surging through me.

I stumbled round and sank against my door, sliding down the wood until I reached the floor, my knees drawn up to my chest. Leaning forward, I rested my head on my knees as the muffled voices from the other side finally stopped.

Tazia was mine.

She couldn’t be with someone else.

I didn’t care if that wanker had come back on the scene, he wasn’t reclaiming her. I wouldn’t allow it.

If Tazia wanted him over me then I deserved to be told.

With a renewed sense of anger, I sprung up off the floor. Determination powering me, I yanked my door open and stormed across to her flat. Raising my fist, I knocked hard on the wood, making sure she’d be able to hear me.

It took forever for the sound of a lock turning to emerge over my ragged breathing. My fists clenched and unclenched as the door creaked open slowly.

“How could you get back together with him?” I blurted before she even had the door fully open.

“Dustin?” she questioned, disorientated.

“Yes, me, Dustin. Now answer the question. How could you get back with him, Taz?” I stepped past her, and folded my arms to await her answer, hoping I could somehow hold my heart in place when she admitted to what I already knew.

“I’m…we didn’t…we’re not…” She sniffed, the words coming out in a choked and confused squeak. When she looked me my rage dissipated instantly.

“You’re not with him?”

“Of course not.”

Relief flooded my body. The second it had taken her to answer had felt like hours.

In two long strides I closed the distance between us. I drew her into my arms, crushing her head against my chest. “Thank fuck.”

She struggled against my grip, but I held her tight. I needed to feel her body in my arms and smell her sugary scent for a second longer while the tension seeped from my muscles and my mind came to terms with everything.

She was still mine.

She hadn’t taken Max back.

She sniffed against me, the sound finally registering now my fury induced haze had lifted. Dropping my hands to her shoulders, I held her at arm’s length to inspect her, and I inhaled sharply.

Deep red circles rimmed her eyes and her face was damp and tear-streaked. Where there used to be happiness now only a dull, lifeless sadness consumed her. Tazia’s lips were tilted down at the corners, her hair distressed like she’d pulled on it one too many times. Her lipstick had been smudged, and her whole body seemed heavy, as though she carried an invisible weight on her shoulders.

“What happened?” I ran my thumb under both of her eyes to clear the fresh tears.

She sighed. I didn’t think it possible for her to stoop any further, yet as the air left her body so did the remnants of her posture. She reminded me of a deflating bouncy castle folding in on itself.

“Did he hurt you, Taz? I swear if he—”

“He didn’t. We only talked.”

“Then why are you crying?” I stroked back her hair and cupped her jaw to keep her gaze on me.

“Why have you stayed away from me?” Her lip quivered and the words came out feebly. The pain in her voice ripped my chest open. “Why are you here?”

“I saw you with him and I thought—”

“Why would it matter? You’ve ignored me for weeks.”

The accusation stung.

“I thought we needed time. That I needed time.” I closed my eyes and composed myself. Opening them, I continued. “When I saw you with him I thought I’d waited too long. I was wrong, Taz. I don’t need space, I need you.”

“Well, it took you long enough,” she snapped then leaned into my hand and looked up at me in earnest. “I’m yours.”

I didn’t need to hear anything else, the rest could wait. I crashed my lips down on hers, tightening my hand in her hair. I claimed her with my mouth, growling against her lips, and she parted them to allow me in. When I swept my tongue over her bottom lip she moaned and sank further into my body so I supported her full weight.

Her arms encircled my waist and she kissed me back just as furiously.

I trailed kisses along her jaw and down her neck. When I grazed the hypersensitive spot at the base of her neck with my teeth she whimpered. The sound sent a jolt of pleasure straight to my dick. With each mewl my jeans became tighter until they reached a painful level.

Tazia’s heartbeat thrummed against my lips, causing my lips to quirk in glee. I travelled over her smooth and flawless skin and when I returned to her lips she tasted faintly like passion fruit.

“I don’t want to wait anymore, Dustin.” She pressed her body into me until it would have been impossible for her not to notice every hardened inch pressing back.

“Me neither,” I murmured into her mouth. I didn’t want to be apart from her for even a second.

She trailed her arms around to my chest then up to my neck. Every movement caused my cock to twitch.

“Then why are you?” She ground her hips against me, making it impossible to see why I shouldn’t strip her naked and take her right up against the wall.

I groaned into her mouth, trying to listen to the good guy inside my mind. “Taz, you’ve been crying.”

She forced her lips back to mine, cutting off my half-hearted protest. “I want you, Dustin.”

“But—”

“No buts. I want you to take me.” Her lips curled against mine and images of her on all fours with her delectable ass in the air filled my mind.

I pulled back, panting. “You’re making it really hard for me to do the right thing here, Taz.”

A glimmer of her old self returned to her eyes as they shone with mischief. “Then don’t.”

She reached between us to run her hand along my length. At her touch I came undone and every protest flew out of my mind. I focused on trying not to blow my load.

Cupping her ass I picked her up and her legs wrapped around me.

I needed to be inside her.

The good guy lost, overpowered by the primal need to claim her in every way possible. I’d given her plenty of opportunities to stop this, but I was beyond that now.

Carrying her to her bedroom, I tossed her on the bed. She stared up at me with hunger-filled eyes. Her lips parted and the pulse in her neck ticked while I crawled up the length of her body.

I ran my nose over her neck, inhaling her scent, and nibbled on her ear until she gasped.

With a chuckle I pulled back to gaze down at her through hooded eyes. I braced my weight on my forearms either side of her head, rocking my hips against her. The rough denim rubbed against me, and when she started circling her hips beneath me I almost lost it…again.

“Do you want me, Taz?”

“Dustin,” she pleaded, her fingers clawing into my back.

“I’m not sure you do,” I whispered against her ear and blew against the hypersensitive spot there. I raised my hips slightly, putting myself out of reach. Her little moan of need and frustration was worth every second of prolonged agony.

When she attempted to pull me back to her, I held firm.

Allowing one arm to take my whole weight, I lowered the other to her stomach. Dipping it under her shirt I raised it up over her body until I uncovered the red lace of her bra. I gulped at the sight, my throat seizing up as I ran my thumb over her hardened nipple peeking through the material. Had I known what lay beneath her shirt I wouldn’t have protested so much.

“What do you need, babe?”

She arched her back, pushing her breast further into my hand. “You, Dustin.”

I kissed her quickly and parted to tear the shirt off over her head. I lowered the cups of her bra and rolled the stiffened peak between my thumb and finger.

The breathless moan that came from the back of her throat made me pinch them lightly until her hands fisted in the duvet beneath us.

“Dustin…”

I lowered my head, taking her nipple into my mouth. Tazia flexed her hips against me and I chuckled. The sound sent the vibrations directly over her skin.

“Please.”

“Please what, babe?” I crawled back up her body and brushed a strand of hair back from her eyes.

She tugged at my shirt. “Off.”

I smirked at her and pulled the fabric over my head in one smooth motion. Throwing it to the floor I gazed down at her.

She shook her head. “All of it.”

I placed a kiss on her chin and trailed them down her body. My hands went to her jeans, my eyes remaining fixed on hers as I undid the button. “You first.”

I slid the material over her thighs and dropped them to the floor, leaving her laid out in front of me in only her underwear.

“You’re gorgeous.” I trailed my finger over her matching panties and she gasped. Her hips jerked beneath my touch.

“Please don’t tease me.”

I quirked an eyebrow at her and pressed my fingers against her harder, dipping into her through the material. “Take off your bra.”

She hurried to comply, hurling the garment blindly across the room. When she collapsed back against the mattress I lowered my mouth to her sex.

She writhed beneath me as I sucked on her through her panties.

“I want you inside me, Dustin.”

With a growl I drew myself up, my hands flying to my jeans. I dipped my hand into my pocket for my wallet and paused when I came up empty. All I had were my keys.

Damn it.

“Condom,” I hissed.

Tazia shook her head. “I don’t have any.”

“Are you on anything?” I was dangerously close to losing it.

Tazia shook her head again and I bit back my frustrated cry. It took all of my willpower to re-button my jeans and Tazia pouted up at me.

“I’ll be back in a second.” I literally ran from the room, hurrying back to my flat to grab a few from my bedside drawer—because one wasn’t going to cut it.

It took me less than a minute and when I returned Tazia was exactly where I left her, except for one difference.

She’d lost her panties.

I swallowed hard at the sight of her lean body spread out before me. She wasn’t posing for me, and still she oozed sexiness.

“Are you going to stare at me all night, or are you going to finish what you started?” Her eyes dropped to my groin and my cock jerked. I threw the condoms down on the bed beside her and tore off my jeans. Placing my knee between her legs I forced her to part them wider as I prowled up her body.