"Morgan?"
"Oh, my God. Willow," she said, walking toward us. Miguel turned, too, and the three of us stood side by side.
"Courtney Lucas just called me. There was a terrible boating accident early this evening involving Thatcher's boys, Their speedboat hit another."
"And?" Mommy asked, her question hanging in the air. Instinctively she had reached out for Miguel's hand, and I had moved closer to her.
"One of the twins was killed." she said. "Cade.'
Epilogue
Forgiveness
.
I suppose that there was same cruel and impish
creature of Fate who had decided Cade would be killed on my birthday. The irony of that struck Mommy, too, but we didn't dwell on it, and she was quick to emphasize that I should in no way ever feel responsible.
"Too often." she said. "guilt is like some random infection people catch. There's no reason for it, but they suffer it until and unless we can help them see it doesn't belong with them."
I
think I began by feeling the sorriest for Danielle, of course, but at the funeral and afterward, despite how he had treated me all my life. I ached for Adrian. He looked amputated, half of him gone. He did everything with an air of tentativeness and uncertainty, whether it be speaking or merely standing.
I
could see him checking for his brother at his side and saw how he realized he was gone, forever and ever. It would be as if his sentences were only half completed, his laughter unfinished. Words spoken to a trusted second half would fall back into thoughts. Everywhere he went and every place he stood would seem deeper, wider. longer. Every sound he made would echo.
At the cemetery he looked years younger, a little boy clinging to Danielle, who was overcome with grief.
It
wasn't until then that Daddy appeared dazed. He was so calm and collected at church and afterward, greeting people with his professional, distinguished manner. Only when he looked at Mommy did
I
see his lips quiver. He and Mommy embraced far the longest time
I
had ever seen them hold each other, and I thought, how odd that is to see your mother and your father hold each other and think of it as remarkable. He smiled when
I
kissed him and then patted my hand as if I was the one who had experienced the deepest loss and not him or Danielle.
My nonfamily seemed impatient at church.
I
saw my younger cousins squirming uncomfortably, Asher Eaton, still
a
very distinguished-looking man, had the most sensitive and deeply saddened look of all on his face. Occasionally I caught him looking my way. and I thought he was even smiling at me. Bunny Eaton had her eyes closed as if she were sitting in a dentist's chair and waiting for it all to end. She did not come to the cemetery. I overheard someone in my nonfamily say she had never been in a cemetery, and when she is driving somewhere and a cemetery appears, she turns away quickly or closes her eyes.
Later we learned that their solution to all this grief was to jet off to Paris for a shopping spree. Not once did
I
hear anyone voice what was on most everyone's mind: The accident was the result of Daddy's spoiling those boys. They weren't mature enough to own and operate such a powerful boat. They didn't have the self-discipline.
And then, as
if
impish Fate were sprinkling salt on wounds, the sordid story of Daddy's current infidelity snaked its way into our home over the rumor highway.
"Your father's marriage is coming apart. Hannah," Mommy warned me soon afterward. "It wasn't strong enough in the beginning and hardly strong enough to weather such a tragedy and all these new complications."'
In the end Adrian went off with Danielle to live in France with her family. I never had a chance to say goodbye to him. Just like all the news
I
learned about that family,
I
heard about it from friends who were mare tuned into the Palm Beach social scene than
I
was, I was sorry I had never had a chance to say goodbye to Danielle. I liked her. Perhaps I would see her again and even see Adrian someplace. sometime. An unpredictable future carried hope with it That was its best asset after all.
Despite my interest in a musical career or maybe because of it, I followed Mommy's advice and decided to pursue a liberal arts education first. I was starting my senior year. and Mommy and
I
began to think about colleges for me to consider. My life began to take some shape. and
I
could feel myself moving forward like a rocket that had dropped away its initial lift and was now sailing with a definite sense of purpose.
Of course.
I
continued to visit Uncle Linden as often and for as long a visit as I could manage, and Mommy and Miguel had him visiting us at Joya del Mar more frequently. Mrs. Stanton had written to him to tell him how much Bess appreciated his picture. I called her and she told me Bess was doing better, and, because of our visit, she had gone ahead and made arrangements for Bess to get professional help.
It
was working. Bess had even gone to the cemetery.
In the fall Mommy made arrangements for Uncle Linden to visit the Stantons. It was her birthday present to him. She took care of all the transportation. He called a day after he had arrived there, especially to tell me that he had taken Bess on that walk and that he was inspired to do a picture of the lake despite the fence. which Chubs might soon take down anyway.
"I'm like Bess." Uncle Linden said.
"I
don't see the fence.
I
see the water and the ducks and the reflection of the foliage on the silvery surface."
"I can't wait to see your picture, Uncle Linden," I told him. He promised that
I
would be the first, after Bess, of course.
One afternoon in October I returned from school and found a letter waiting for me on the entryway table. There was simply an HR and a New Orleans address on it. My heart immediately began to pound like a Caribbean steel drum. I didn't open it until I was out by the beach. There. I plopped myself down in the sand and with trembling fingers tore open the envelope. A clipping fell out first.
It
was from
a
music handout in New Orleans, and it featured Heyden with his guitar under the headline Something Original in N'orleans. It talked about his songs being featured at a nightclub and how he was part of his father's act now, handling the intermissions and building his own reputation.
It has taken me this long to write to you because I have not had the nerve to expect you would bother opening an envelope that I would send to you. I debated leaving my name and address of but then I thought I would never know if had received it, and besides, it was cowardly.
What I did to you in South Carolina was the most cowardly and selfish thing I have ever done, and I hope you believe me when I tell you not a day has gone by since when I don't stop and suffer regret about it.
I can't offer a decent defense of myself except to repeat
what I had said that day. I had nothing to return to compared to you I have another confession to make to that regard.
When you first came to me with your troubles, I knew in my heart that you were better off staying where you were and working them out because I knew in my heart that you had a loving mother and from
what I saw of your stepfather, a very dedicated and
loving man at home as well. I didn't discourage you when it came to running, away because I wanted a means to run away myself
However, believe me when I tell you I truly felt and still feel that we would have made a wonderful and successful act. I was just selfish of me to put that ahead of your own happiness.
As you can see, I'm beginning to get somewhere in this music business. It's not a great deal, but it's a start and I have grown closer to my father. We both feel bad about Elisha, and it our hope that someday she can come to New Orleans. My mother seems content without all the problems. Perhaps she
-
was just not meant to be a mother. I don't love her any less for it, but I don't think there is anything I can do, and I know she wouldn't want me to waste my life trying.
I've written a song about you. I'm refining; it, but I expect to be singing it soon. Maybe someday someone will record it and you will hear it and you will think of me and the good times we had together and nor the bad times. That's all I can expect and all I can ask.
As you know, your name means grace," so I call the song"With the Grace of Her Smile.
-
With the grace of her smile she lights up my day,
With the grace of her smile she drives the dark away,
With the grace of her smile she opens my heart
And with the glow of that smile, I can feel my
life start.
-
That's how it begins. I won't put it all here, I want you to hear it. The music is so important to it, and I'd like you have some surprises. Good surprises from me for a change.
I
-
wonder if you're smiling or if you're crumpling this up and tossing it the the garbage. I can't blame you if you do. I can only hope you don't, but not so long ago, although it seems so, you taught me how to hope.
Heyden
I
didn't crumple it up and throw it away.
I
folded it and put it back into the envelope, and then I put the envelope in my dresser drawer and I didn't look at it again for some time. And then one day I went out to the dock and stood where Mommy had told me my grandmother had stood staring out at the sea at night, looking for the light of the boat that was to bring my grandfather back to her. I stood there with the wind snapping around me. and
I
watched the breakers and saw the clouds rushing across the blue sky, and
I
thought Mommy was right.
Forgiveness.
That's where it begins.
And I went upstairs and wrote
a
letter. Dear Hannah,
When
I
read how you and your boyfriend. Heyden, had run away together. I couldn't help but think haw I felt the day Harley and I left home. He was searching for the father he had never known. and I loved him so much I wanted to be with him during his most troubled and frightening time. Our story is in the book The Enid of the .Rainbow.
So many of us leave home to find home, only to discover that what we left behind was what we wanted and needed.
I
fully understood why you felt lost and alone back home, and of course, your baby brother's death was a major traumatic event for you.
My mother. Rain, had a very hard early life. She was brought up in an area in Washington. D.C., where just going to school every day was a dangerous mission. There were gangs and a great deal of violence. She didn't know until she was in her senior year of high school that the family she was living with was not her real family. Can you imagine the emotional crisis she endured when she learned this and then. when she was returned to her real family?
Her mother didn't want her returned to her. Rain was born as a result of her mother's affair at college with an African-American man who later became a college professor in England. How my mother met him is told in
Lightning, Strikes
, As it turned out. because she did reconnect. I have had a wonderful relationship with my grandfather, but that didn't come so easy. Nothing did, just like nothing came easy for you.
After my mother had a tragic accident and was paralyzed and in a wheelchair, she fell in love with my father, who was her therapist. and as a result. I was born. This is all told in
Eye Of The Storm.
I can't say anyone had more loving parents than I did. Hannah. but living on our property was my mother's stepbrother and his wife and his stepson. Harley. We grew up together. but Harley was always in trouble and resented his stepfather, who was very strict and who he believed never loved him or wanted him.
I
suppose we were always in lave. but we were brought up so close. it was like falling in love with a relative. Everyone just assumed
I
would go my way and Harley would go his, but in time we supported each other emotionally, and when his appall
-
unit; to confront his real father arose, I couldn't let him go alone. The result, as you will see when you read my story.
The End of the Rainbow
, was quite unexpected and almost tragic for both Harley and me. In the end it was his stepfather who became his hero as well as mine.
Both you and I have family histories that have impacted so dramatically on our personalities and our ambitions. In one of Shakespeare's plays. I think it might be Julius Caesar, he wrote that "the eve sees not itself. but by reflection." I believe he meant we can never really see ourselves until we see ourselves as others might see us, until we step out of ourselves and look at ourselves more objectively and clearly. One way to do that is to go back to understand our roots.
Both you and I are products of the struggles and tribulations our mothers and fathers endured. Hannah. We judge our parents too harshly without knowing all the facts sometimes. No one can truly appreciate what you went through unless he or she reads your mother Willow's story and I think that would be very true for me as well, Read
Rain, Lightning Strikes
. and
Eye of The Storm
before you read my story-- just as
I
have read
Willow
and
Wicked Forest
before reading
Twisted Roots
-- and you will fully appreciate why I turned out the way
I
did. This will give you insights into your awn development as well, I'm sure.
The reason for that lies in the secrets our parents have kept hidden from us to protect us. It was nice to live in a world of innocence, oblivious to all the twists and turns and dark places in our histories, but when we grew old enough to understand, we were permitted to look into these dark places, and like you.
I
made discoveries and had realizations that were nearly too overwhelming to accept. We should be grateful, I suppose, that our parents tried so hard to protect us from all that, but there comes a time when you have to learn how to live with it and how to protect yourself. Whether we liked it or not. Hannah, we had to grow up fast or else be destroyed by forces from within our own worlds.
The natural worlds we lived in had a great impact on who we were as well. Hannah. You were brought up in the glamorous and glitzy opulence of Palm Beach. I lived on a beautiful estate in Virginia. There is a lake on our property and it has had a great influence on me. When you are out in Nature, you feel things people in big cities, surrounded by cement, don't feel. I'm sure you who have lived on the ocean can appreciate what I'm saying as well. My mother liked to think of our estate as part of the family. I understand why.
I
hope someday you and
I
will meet and we can talk about our lives freely. Let's exchange our stories first and get to know each other through the words, the pictures, the images and revelations in them. Let's think of books as letters of introduction, the way people in days long ago used to present themselves to strangers. Let the stories be our references so that when we do meet, we meet like two old friends who have finally been brought back together after a long time and across vast distances.
Perhaps then we can smile and truly understand the meaning of such words as family and friendship and love.
And perhaps then we can give to our children the gifts that were given to us. Open the cover of the book. Hannah.
Unwrap the packages.
Behold what lies within both our hearts, and like me, become proud of who you are,
Looking for you.
Summer