Twitterature (6 page)

 

Why do people always pick on me? Everyone knows Iʼm the best and the smartest. I invented a new fighting technique my FIRST DAY.

 

 

I was playing this cool video game when suddenly it busted out pics of my brother - and I died. As if Iʼm not stressed enough already.

 

In charge of my own army. Havenʼt lost a battle yet. One kid wants to kill me. How does this teach me how to fight aliens?

At times I feel inadequate but then realize Iʼm doing pretty well for an eight-year-old with a murder in my past and an army at my command.

 

The battles arenʼt fair. My army is a cohesive unit of lifelong friends, but Iʼm having a breakdown. Plus I miss my sexy sister.

 

 

Seriously, what did Kurt Vonnegut mean, ʻWe were just babiesʼ? Excuse me, my BALLS HAVENʼT EVEN DROPPED YET and I have to save the world!

 

Flew over the cuckooʼs nest. Live by a lake. Military tolerates my bs. Must be pretty desperate to entrust humanityʼs future to a child.

 

On to Command School. They say Iʼm ready to lead the entire human fleet against the bug-aliens. I thought Iʼd hit puberty first. Guess not.

 

An old Jew says he can teach me to defeat the aliens. Yeah right. This I know: no one older than eleven can be trusted to fight these days.

 

All my old friends are here! Itʼs a great reunion. Weʼre all training together.

 

The training keeps getting harder, and everyone seems so anxious. I wonder what itʼll be like to fight the REAL war?

 

Final exam day. Everyoneʼs so anxious. The Old Jew says Iʼll battle him today. But heʼs not at a computer. Now Iʼm really anxious.

Has anyone ever committed genocide by accident? Long story short: there goes my sanity. Finally. Thanks, military-industrial complex.

 

The only way to repent for my crime is to tell the aliensʼ story. I will become the tweeter for the dead. Also, I finally hit puberty. uuuu

 

My sister is such a bitch! And her husband, talk about pussy-whipped. Iʼm going out on the marshes. I hate this place.

 

The walk was a bad idea. I met a prisoner who demanded bread and a file. He looks like a pederast. And a murderer. Amber alert?

 

I have to sit in the crazy womanʼs house. She lives in the basement, sits in the same clothes. Her fiancé really dodged a bullet there.

 

Her granddaughter Estella is pretty hot. Sheʼs ten. Iʼm ten, too. All she does is make fun of me. Maybe itʼs my name.

 

I whupped a kid in the garden. He wanted to box, so I boxed his head. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Taught Sonny Liston a lesson.

 

Iʼm an adult now. Someone left a huge wad of cash in my name. Do I hear London calling the faraway towns?

 

 

Remember that kid I beat up? Heʼs my roommate, and get this, he says HE won the fight. Mhm, yeah, right, both he and George Foreman.

 

Kids here are all assholes. Odd, but I slowly feel myself becoming a snob. Maybe itʼs the tweed jacket?

I think that old woman in the basement left me the money. I ran into her granddaughter last night. Maybe sheʼll show me some ankle.

 

My roommate is a drag. He keeps ankle-blocking me. Iʼll have a talk with him; ʻBro, Iʼm trying to get the anger-bang on this girl, GTFO.ʼ

 

My sisterʼs husband came to visit. What a classless country-swine. Doesnʼt even know how to tie a proper cravat.

 

Estella keeps hanging around with other gentledudes. My heart . . . hurts . . . is this what they call love?

 

 

Shes a coquette, a flirt. I canʼt tell who she likes. I canʼt predict whatʼs coming next! What am I dealing with?

 

Heavens. My financial benefactor was the criminal. The murdering pederast from the beginning. Glad I canceled the alert.

 

Iʼm starting to forget my roots. Iʼm an asshole.

 

Iʼm in my old town with a crazy Gollum-like guy following me. I wanna throw a rock at him, but I think thatʼs assault. Anyone pre-law?

 

 

Estella is staying in her grandmaʼs castle. That family is action-packed with issues. Like grandma like granddaughter.

 

I love her, but if sheʼs sitting alone in a castle thereʼs something wrong with the girl. I donʼt want to marry Sylvia Plath over here.

 

Did you know that back in the day Romans traveled along the Thames in wooden rowboats? Crazy, huh?

 

 

Out of work again - economy is tough. My aunt says she can get me a job, but itʼs so embarrassing accepting help from women.

 

 

Women really are naïve! Can you imagine if they were allowed to run the world? Disaster! Luckily thatʼll never happen in good old England.

 

 

Heading down to Africa on a boat. Too hot! I get the creeping sense this job isnʼt going to be as cushy as they made it sound.

 

 

The natives seem unhappy. Some are even violent! Why donʼt they appreciate how much weʼve done for them? Ungrateful welfare leeches, I say!

 

Boatʼs broken. Stuck at camp. These bureaucrats are turds. Whole operation is an oppressive disaster. I donʼt want to talk to anybody.

 

 

Keep hearing about this ʻunorthodoxʼ Kurtz guy. Sounds interesting. Probably never overtweets about trivialities. My kind of man.

 

Boat fixed. Time to find out what Kurtz is up to. Hope ʻunorthodox methodsʼ doesnʼt mean buggery. Or worse - if thatʼs possible.

NATIVES THROWING SHIT AT ME. CUT IT OUT!

 

 

Doc says that spending time with black savages makes your brain shrink. Oh well.

 

 

Consumed by Jungle. Madness seeps into me. Must find Kurtz before I lose my mind to overwhelming terror. This isnʼt Disneyʼs jungle ride.

 

Found Kurtz. He rules the natives as king. Took one as a wife. His madness is a new mental condition. Letʼs call it ʻjungle feverʼ. ROFL.

 

Kurtz dead. His lover abandoned him. I oversaw his death. Last words either ʻthe horrorʼ or that his woman was ʻa whoreʼ. Hard to tell.

 

Back in Europe. Feel as if I look forever into that immense heart of . . . what? Shadows? Night? Gloom? Something pitch black?

 

 

Must see Kurtzʼs fiancée. Ugh, the lack of women in Africa has spoiled me.

 

She demands to know his last words. But women are too stupid to know the truth. Must she be lied to? Help me out.

 

 

@Betrothed: He said . . . your name. Isnʼt that nice? Thatʼs how the world works: like a cute, predictable love story. Are you happy now?

 

 

So about the Thames: I can get a boat. Anyone up for a quick pleasure cruise?

 

Look upon how much my daughters do loveth me. One day this kingdom will all be theirsth!

 

What? Cordelia loves me only as much as she should? What effrontery! For that sheʼll get naught. Nada. Zip.

 

King of France took Cordelia. ʻLoveʼ or somesuch - as if she knows what that is! Luckily, Goneril and Regan love dear old Dad.

 

 

Alright, Iʼm leaving, and taking a crew with me. Me and my boyz will be fine. Just fine.

 

 

What, my ungrateful girls are kicking me out? Iʼll be cold and homeless. This sucketh. Very unexpected. Am I right?

 

Seriously. They SAID THEY LOVED ME. I really do not get it. Who lies just because they know it will win them land and power??

 

 

I guess compared to ʻRonaldʼ and ʻGonorrheaʼ, Cordelia wasnʼt so bad. What a Shakespearean twist of events!

 

They jail me, they betray me. I hear the French may come and put an end to this madness, though. Gloucester has it all worked out.

 

 

Ah! Spoke too soon. Gloucesterʼs ʻvile jellyʼ had to be removed. And by ʻvile jellyʼ I mean his eyeballs.

Clearly the best possible solution is to run around naked on a hill in a thunderstorm. Goddamn, these winds do sorely rustle my privates.

 

Even if my heirs werenʼt evil, dividing a major nation into several arbitrary bordering factions is a pretty bad idea to begin with, huh?

 

 

This infighting has become vicious. @Kent, @Edmund,@Albany: Quit this! Too much intrigue for a confused old man!

 

Cordelia and I captured by Edmund. This is the part where we get rescued, right?

 

Cordelia is very weak, but yet the feather stirs - she lives!

 

Nix that - Cordelia dead :(

 

I am overcome with grief. Other two daughters also dead. Well, donʼt REALLY care. A great turn-around from earlier! A Dickensian twist, no?

 

 

Everyoneʼs managed to kill off each other. Now Albany thinks I should retake the throne, but I feel so very very tired ...

 

This war is just too absurd. We canʼt go on this way.

 

Whatʼs something we can leverage against men? Whatʼs the one thing weʼre good for again? Itʼs on the tip of my tongue . . .

 

@WomynOfGreece: No sleeping with your husbands until they agree not to fight anymore.

 

This should work well. After all, you come home from the war, all you want is a beer and blow job. Imagine if you could only have a beer?

 

 

@WomynOfGreece: If they force you, remember, no legs to the ceiling. NO ORGASMS. That gives them the power. And we canʼt have that now can we?

 

@WomynOfGreece: You also have to give up the Lioness on the Cheese Grater. I know itʼs great, but lay off it for a bit.

 

Men are back. Storm the Acropolis!!! We can have a sit-in. Or a lock-down. Like a sitting pussy lock-down.

 

We shouldnʼt stay at the Acropolis together too long though. We might get on the same cycle. That would mean a mess for the sit-in.

 

 

You think men at war have it bad, we just sit here, waiting to service them. Then they leave for a decade. And batteries not invented yet.

Talk about hit-and-quit. Then I have to raise yoʼ baby!

 

Our men are going nuts. Itʼs really working. Theyʼre horny as hell - and no war in sight.

 

 

Letʼs see if we can get them to agree to some absurd shit. Maybe theyʼll let us vote, have jobs, own property. Equal rights win, perhaps?

 

Letʼs piss them off even more and lock ourselves in the Acropolis again.

 

Can you believe that theyʼre already getting some peace-contracts ready? What men wonʼt do for sex . . . Jeez.

 

Time to overcome our differences and just get it on. Sexual healing sounds good? Right now! Thank Athena, I feel so hollow.

 

Whooooo, party in the Acropolis!!! Weʼre going streaking through the forum and into the temple!!!

 

After all, we really just want some action. If we fought wars and men came up with this plan, peace would have come much sooner . . .

 

Dick and I off to rob some rich farmers. I donʼt care to do it so much, but Dick insists and I usually just listen to him.

 

Uh oh. Farmers had no money so I shot them point blank with a shotgun. I canʼt help it. Mother didnʼt love me, so I have to kill people.

 

 

(Sometimes I just want to go to Mexico and hunt treasure in the ocean. Iʼm not a total failure; I have dreams and aspirations!)

 

 

Big news! Gentle family of four murdered in small Kansas town! Seems like a good opportunity for some reporting. #bignews #crime #mycareer

 

 

On the run. Dick conning us all the money we need. Heʼs so powerful and in control. Even though heʼs illiterate, I am . . . drawn to his manliness.

 

 

I have this dream where a giant bird kills all the mean

people who make me murder families. Wish a giant bird would come save me IRL.

 

 

Got picked up by the law. Why wonʼt The Man just leave me alone?? Canʼt they see Iʼm real educated, and Dick is the stupid criminal?

My Southern background and career as a New York literary homosexual will no doubt win me the trust and favor of these Midwestern farmers.