Twitterature (3 page)

 

The wind caresses my face like the arse-fart of a Peloponnesian princess.

 

Today I ate six biscuits, boxed an hour, and wrote a letter to Napoleon.

 

Met an Albanian leader. What wisdom inhabits him! Yet he does enjoy killing the innocent for no reason at all. We have become close friends.

Tambourgi! Tambourgi!
the Albanian minstrels chant. I do believe that knowing this song gives me immediate insight into their world.

 

Greece. Note to self: upon arrival home, seduce sister.

 

These Greek eight-year-olds in my garden are H-A-U-G-H-T HOT.

 

Second note to self: try to separate real life and poem to avoid confusion. Maybe change name from Byron to Harold?

 

 

Iʼve purchased traditional clothing. These local women fall at my knees and beg to be my concubines.

 

I have grown to love this part of the world, and how much richer and more tender it is than England.

 

Also, got a sweet tan from the Aegean sun. FTW.

 

Keep posted for the next two cantos in six years.

 

I hope I donʼt get distracted by a wife in that time. Gosh, I would be the worst husband ever. But Iʼm a great lover. Isnʼt that ironic?

 

You know what would really put a halt to my poetic aspirations? Tuberculosis. Oh Keats, thank god I wonʼt end up that way.

 

Itʼs all this Mediterranean air thatʼs keeping me safe. Yes, I definitely canʼt get tuberculosis down here.

 

Welcome to my great war Twitter!

 

. . . unsure what to post next. Old buddy no help. Any suggestions?

 

I think Iʼm unstuck from time. Will this screw up my feed?

 

This is a crazy journey! Isnʼt my name - Pilgrim - just so fitting for this? Just so you know, Dresden is totally getting bombed.

 

So it goes.

 

The army is tough. Iʼm so not cut out for this! Somebody get me out of here.

 

War doesnʼt suck. It goes.

 

Oh man, I just met these aliens from Tralfamadore, and they see time totally different.

 

Aliens are a perfect insightful foil for the horrific violence brought on by the human condition. AND THEYʼVE GOT EYE-STALKS!!

 

Stuck behind the lines. When are the aliens coming back? Iʼm cold and everyone here is a simple portrait of life. Becoming very cynical.

Captured by Nazis. So it goes.

 

With the aliens again. Or I am very old. Or very young. A less clever literary device would be much less upsetting to my stomach!

 

Dresden is such a beautiful city! Iʼll have to show my grandkids!

 

Iʼm stuck in a meat locker. The city is being bombed. Not sure if this will upload. Wish me luck!

 

Tralfamadorians look like toilet plungers. They want to watch me get it on with hot chick. Flush that! Night curtain please.

 

Everything destroyed. War is terrible. Can you all not see how terrible war is? My survival is an accident.

 

The world is cruel. The bombs have left a permanent mark on my psyche!

 

I am just a baby.

 

So it goes.

 

Hello everyone from under the stairs! Aunt and Uncle threw me under here again. Gosh, life is so hard.

 

That fat fuck Dudley stole all my food! I wish something good or at least interesting would happen to me.

 

OMG Iʼm a WIZARD! And my parents are DEAD WIZARDS! Off to magic boarding school. PEACE BITCHES!

 

OMG Hogwarts OMG I have two friends OMG magic OMG the Slytherins are Nazis OMG there is an EVIL WIZARD out to get me.

 

Snape a douche! Dumbledore a wise man (but maybe gay?). Voldemort tried to kill me! Flying broomstick! Battle over magic crack-rock!

 

OMG the yearʼs over. Time goes fast when youʼre having fun. Goes slow if you have to read seven books with lots of adverbs.

 

Back to school! Should be a great year! I hope nothing crazy happens like last time.

 

No! Voledemort is trying to wreck my shit up AGAIN!! I am TIRED of these MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES IN THIS MOTHERFUCKING CASTLE!

Back to school AGAIN! This year definitely better! A dude who tried to kill me turned out OK. Sometimes misunderstandings happen. LOL.

 

Oh man, big tournament at my school!! PSYCHED! I hope nobody dies this year, and every year as if by clockwork.

 

 

Competing in a tournament. Also: is it just me, or should they really have a tougher vetting process for Dark Arts teachers?

 

OMFG VOLDEMORT AGAIN. Donʼt worry, I have the hang of this by now. Plus thereʼs a secret society out to protect me. Give up already LV.

 

 

I AM UNDERGOING A LOT OF ANGST RIGHT NOW. And this Asian girl is giving me a major hard-on. Blue balls suck. No magic potion for it either.

 

Donʼt believe anyone who says Voldemort isnʼt back AGAIN. I KNOW WHAT I SAW!

 

Big brawl at Ministry of Magic! Sirius is dead. Super-pissed. I just used the torture spell, didnʼt I? Iʼm going to Azkaban now, arenʼt I?

 

Back to school again! Boy, everything better go well this year or Iʼm going to eat a wand.

 

Hey! My friendʼs sister is totally hot for me. Feels a bit dirty, but yeah baby, you like my scar, donʼt you? Wanna see my wand?

SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEDORE WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF? THIS IS LIKE THE BIGGEST CLIFFHANGER EVER!!!

 

Sometimes this guy, Tom, keeps showing up. I donʼt want him around but I donʼt have the heart to tell him, because he killed my parents.

 

 

NM last tweet. Killed him. Something about a prophecy. Who cares? Last seven years have felt like same one, over and over.

 

My new black robes can pass as the most austere in all the region. The maid went to town today.

 

Moved into the Mayorʼs house to tutor kids. Wife mistook me for a starving peasant girl.

 

Impressed everyone by memorizing Bible. Winged it on Horace, though. Easy to know Latin when nobody else knows it.

 

Wife insulted my dignity, suggested I buy new linens. Told her off though!

 

Mayor displeased by my treatment of his wife. What a downer. Yelled at him too. Got a raise, big time.

 

Wife over it. Totally wants my babies. Though beautiful, canʼt say Iʼm feeling it.

 

On second thought, itʼs my duty to seduce her, isnʼt it? Hypocrisy drives me. Itʼs a point of honor.

 

Grabbed her hand in the garden, freaked out, and forced her. Got it on.

 

Been too busy to post. Torrid affair. Kinky. Much like Napoleonʼs conquest of Spain, really.

Iʼve been discovered, must move to Paris to work with a Marquis. Hope he has a hot wife . . . or daughter.

 

Daughter. Schwing! Score!

 

 

Went six to noon today thinking about Napoleon. What a guy.

 

Iʼm on this ladder, right? Just trying to get some action and next thing I know Iʼm bleeding on the floor. FML.

 

I believe Iʼve finally earned the Marquisʼ trust.

 

Oops. His daughter is pregz. I swear Iʼm not the daddy!!!

 

Mayorʼs wife totally blew my cover. Iʼve gotten pistols made. Must take her out.

 

Backfired. Sheʼs not dead, and Iʼm on trial.

 

Sheʼs trying to free me, but no, Iʼve got a duty to truth and society. I tell the court what happened. Might not be able to post for a while.

 

In jail. It blows. Guardʼs an ass. Time to repent soon, but Iʼm not going for it. I wonder if this will inspire a book. Or a movie. With Leo.

 

 

Today is the sentencing. I am guilty. Women fill the courtroom, bawling. My, itʼs two oʼclock in the afternoon.

 

Battle went well! Cut mothafuckas from the nave to the chops! Neither bade farewell nor shook hands. WORD UP! REPRESENT!

 

Away to home now with my homeboy Banquo. I shall be in Inverness in time for haggis.

 

ZOUNDS! OLD HAGS SAY I SHALL BE KING AND SHITE. THEN I TOTALLY BECAME THANE OF CAWDOR!

 

Playing it cool, but I am suddenly filled with a deep ambition. ʼTis bad news.

 

Home now. Lady Macbeth hot over coming power/my nads. She wants to kill Duncan TONIGHT. Canʼt tell if sheʼs serious or just into dirty-talk.

 

She was serious. Women, LOL.

 

Things do move so fast! The official tweets of we, the King of Scotland. Yet I fear Banquo knows my terrible secret.

 

Royal banquet tonight! All commanded to come! I
especially
look forward to seeing my dear friend Banquo! Hope you make it cosʼ!!

 

Banquo seems to have died in the forest. Oh well!

Everyone is leaving the party!! What? WHAT ? Does no one else see BLEEDING GODDAMN BANQUO AT THE TABLE?

 

Iʼm trying to sleep. Will someone please shut this wino up? Iʼm the king goddamn it, canʼt I get a reliable porter? Seriously.

 

 

Old Hags say Macbeth is killed by no man of woman born. Relieved. The Terminator not invented yet.

 

 

My enemies and their families keep dying randomly! This is beginning to get out of hand. Nah, my wife is definitely right about this.

 

Maybe not. Wife is having midlife crisis or woman troubles. Bitch is nuts.

 

@LadyMac: THEREʼS NOTHING ON YOUR HANDS, YOUʼVE WASHED THEM 100 TIMES ALREADY!!

 

People found out about the whole murder thing; theyʼre all pissed. I say everyone must chill out and stop blowing shit out of proportion.

 

Armies moving against me, Queenʼs dead. Life is nothing but a lone poster, tweeting his time upon the stage and then he tweets no more!

 

Hah! Macduff thinks he can kill me!

 

Shit. ʻC-Sectionʼ is not ʻof woman bornʼ? What kind of king dies on a goddamn technicality?

 

The Shire is so BORING. Boring boring boring. Plus all the chicks are so short!

 

This old dude wants me to throw a party for some dwarves. Couldnʼt hurt. Plus, Iʼm gonna get WASTED.

 

Last time I drank so much I woke up still in the tavern . . . keeperʼs wife! ZING!

 

Crap. I seem to have been fandangled into a daring adventure to some mountain. Do I have to?

 

Walking walking walking . . .

 

Still walking - this is so boring!

 

Stopped and ate at Elf City. Must everyone ALWAYS ask me if I have a normal-sized penis? Do elves have normal sized ears? No. STFU.

 

Walking . . .

 

Oh shit! This Hobbit is on crack and he has a magic ring that makes you INVISIBLE!

 

Got the ring. Man that guy was crazy! Probably not connected to this sweet magic ring, right?

Walking some more. Do these dwarves never get tired of walking? At least Iʼve got this, pretty, precious, sweet . . . wonderful, amazing ring.

 

Waaaalllllkkkiiiiinnn! Oh, wait. Stopped to eat.

 

Eating a sandwich - really good.

 

Taking a shit - really good.

 

Goddamn it. Weʼre walking again. Deep forests. Endless mountains. Bad reception.

 

First, let me tell you about the sky . . . and then the tree line . . . and then the rocks . . . and then the ground . . . zzzz.

 

Walking still.

 

Eating again.

 

OH SHIT A HUGE BATTLE! IF ONLY THIS HAD HAPPENED EARLIER I WOULDNʼT HAVE BEEN SO FUCKING BORED!

 

Iʼm a young child now. Isnʼt that obvious from all my nursery rhymes? Tralalalalalala.

 

 

Parents arguing at the table. Dadʼs one stubborn bastard. But I got a cool uncle. Nobody rebels against cool uncles.

 

Iʼm a bit older now. All I do is read books. School blows, kids are such assholes. They mock me for loving Byron.

 

You know what makes a girl hot? White, white hands. God how I love hands. Even the schoolmasterʼs hands comfort me.