‘So you found some solace,’ Jed said. ‘There’s no sin in that.’
Catriona looked at him. ‘You know very well that’s not what either of us believes, Jed Hayward. Shortly after Mother’s funeral, I went to a special retreat. A place for people of faith to gather, to think, to meditate. I enjoyed it. There was plenty of time to be alone, but time together with people too. Time to pray and talk and eat and discuss. That’s where I met him.’ Catriona lowered her eyes. ‘We had a lot in common. Same sort of age, both alone, both lost. I … I am not completely ignorant about intimacy. I’ve had a couple of boyfriends in my time. And Ben and I were both far away from home, and I felt that I had to grab hold of my life, and somehow it didn’t feel wrong. We said goodbye. We didn’t make any promises …’ She looked at Jed, her cheeks colouring. ‘I didn’t want to. I felt that I should feel worse about it than I did, but I didn’t. I didn’t feel sad, or guilty, I felt happy. It had been a good experience. But I felt guilty about not feeling guilty.’
Jed smiled as Catriona continued: ‘I didn’t even consider I might be pregnant, not at my age. I thought I was more likely to be going through the change than anything.’ She whispered to Tamsyn, ‘I’ve never been regular. When I started to feel sick, and my stomach began to swell, I was certain it was the same thing that took Mum, the cancer. I suppose it was stupid to stick my head in the sand about it. If only I’d gone to a doctor when I first started having symptoms. And I planned to, I did. It was just that there was always so much to do. And then on the day that she came, I can barely remember it. It’s like I blocked it out – I remember the pain, and the sudden knowing, understanding what was happening to me. I remember that.’ She shook her head. ‘And then she was there, crying and large as life. And I think I went into some sort of shock. I was so calm. I cut the cord. I found some old clothes, which had been collected for the jumble sale. I dressed her, wrapped her up. There was this doll-sized Moses basket. She was so little, she fit in it. I wrote her a note. I don’t even know what it said. It was early evening. I went out and it was raining a little, but I don’t think I noticed. The pain, you see, and the shock. I put her in the porch, where she was safe and dry. It was ten minutes until evensong. I knew Jed would be there soon. I knew he would take care of her. I never thought of keeping her, of phoning for help, or going to hospital. It never even occurred to me. I don’t remember going home. I managed it somehow. I think I must have passed out. I woke up and there was a storm outside, a terrible storm. And I wondered how I could find out if Jed had discovered her, and then I reached for my diary, because that’s where I keep his number written down, and that’s when I remembered it was my turn to lead choir practice. I was the one who was supposed to be opening the door. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to get to the church again; I was so frightened, and then I realised exactly what I’d done. I’d put a brand-new baby out in a storm, the worst storm in living memory. My baby, and all I wanted was to get to her … The next thing I knew I woke up at Castle House. Sue told me straight away that a baby had been found, and I thought, well, it must be the way it should be. She was found, so she would be cared for. It had been decided. I thought I would be OK after a few days’ rest. I thought I would get up and get back to normal, but I can’t … I can’t stop thinking about her.’
‘It hasn’t been decided,’ Tamsyn said, trying to be careful not to promise too much, like the social worker had said. ‘There’s still time for you and Mo to be together. Especially if you want to love her, and want her in your life, which I think you do.’
Catriona shook her head. ‘No, I can’t. How can I? I’ve let everyone down. I let my mother down, Jed. I’ve let God down. And the baby, I’ve let the baby down. I left her. I left, and there is no way back from that. I can’t be a mother, not at my age. Not when I am all alone. I can’t.’
‘You can,’ Jed said. ‘Sometimes what you think of as the wrong thing is the one thing you can’t stop happening. You were blessed with a child, a child who will be as loved by God as she is by you. And you are not alone. You have me, and the whole town behind you. And you have your faith, the same faith that you have shown me is strong enough to heal any wound, in time. And I know, I just know, what a brilliant mother you will be, if you give yourself a chance.’
‘How can you possibly know that?’ Catriona asked him sharply.
‘Well, I know how good you’ve been at mothering me since I arrived in Poldore,’ Jed smiled at her. ‘And you can start today by meeting your daughter. Just say hello to her, that’s all.’
Catriona looked towards Tamsyn, her gaze falling on the baby for the first time. ‘I don’t even know how to hold her,’ she said at last.
‘I didn’t either,’ Tamsyn said, standing carefully and lowering Mo into Catriona’s arms. ‘But funnily enough, you first seem to realise the right way, without anyone having to tell you.’
Mo settled into the crook of her mother’s arm, and the woman and the baby looked at each other. After a moment or two of contemplation, Mo’s face crumpled and she began to cry, and Tamsyn felt the most curious tug in the centre of her chest. She had to stop herself from reaching out and taking Mo back. After a moment’s thought, Catriona lifted the baby onto her shoulder, easing her into her favourite position.
‘She loves to be sung to,’ Tamsyn encouraged her. ‘It’s one of her best things, even when it’s me, or Buoy, although Buoy is a slightly better singer than I am.’
‘I don’t know many children’s songs,’ Catriona said, but after a moment she began to hum something that sounded familiar, perhaps a hymn or a folk song, Tamsyn thought, and Mo seemed perfectly content, perched on her mother’s shoulder.
‘I’ve had a word with the nurses and with Tess,’ Tamsyn said. ‘They said if you’d like to keep Mo with you while I’m at my brother’s wedding today, then that would be OK. Tess will come and have a chat with you about what happens next, and the nurses can bring in a crib and help you out, any time you need a rest or aren’t sure what to do.’
‘I’m not sure,’ Catriona said. ‘I’m not sure about anything.’
‘I don’t agree.’ Tamsyn leant forward, brushing the backs of her fingers against Mo’s cheek. ‘You’re sure that you love her, aren’t you?’
Catriona nodded. ‘She looks like Mum,’ she said.
‘Oh, there you go then,’ Tamsyn said. ‘Perhaps you can name her after your mum. What was her name?’
‘Gladys,’ Catriona said. Tamsyn’s eyes widened, the laughter bubbling up before she could stop it, relieved to see that Catriona was smiling too.
‘Yes,’ she agreed. ‘Perhaps not. Anyway, she’s already been named, and it suits her,’ she said, kissing the little girl on the ear. ‘I think we’ll stick to that. Mo, short for Morwenna. I always liked that name. Morwenna Gladys.’
‘It’s a nice name,’ Tess said, as she walked into the room. Tamsyn wondered how much she had heard. ‘I wonder if you have time for a little chat with me now?’
‘Well, I’m not going anywhere,’ Catriona said.
‘Unlike me,’ Tamsyn said. ‘I really have to go and get ready for a wedding.’
‘And I need to go and get ready to marry two people,’ Jed said.
‘So, if you like I could … I have Sue’s car. I think there’s an eighty per cent chance that it will make it back in time for the wedding. I’ll take you.’
‘Thank you,’ Jed said, politely. About as politely as any man has ever said anything who’s ever kissed a girl under a kitchen table and then changed his mind, and Tamsyn understood that Jed wasn’t going to be part of her crazy new life, but she couldn’t let that slow her down. Right now, there were several far more important things that were happening to her, and the first of those was that she had to say goodbye to Mo.
‘Well, little Mo.’ She rested the palm of her hand gently on top of the baby’s head. ‘We’ve had some adventures, haven’t we? And you won’t remember them when you grow up, but I will. For someone so small and so frequently smelly, you’ve changed me, you odd little person. I will never forget you, Mo.’
Catriona caught her hand before she could leave. ‘You won’t get a chance to,’ she said. ‘Tamsyn, you don’t know me very well yet if you think I would let the person who saved my daughter’s life, and so my life, get away without being pestered by the pair of us for ever and ever. And besides, I expect it might be a while before they let me take care of Mo by myself. We still need you. We both do, if you are willing to help.’
And Tamsyn Thorne, who had arrived in Poldore with hair smoothed into a chignon, in her designer clothes, with her perfect look and her dream life, stood there in a pair of leggings with an elasticated waist and a vest that had tiny coffins printed on it, her toes crammed into her sister’s Converse trainers, her hair proving that it was possible to defy gravity without going into space, and, well, she felt the most important and the most special that she ever had in her whole life.
‘You can count on me,’ she said to both mother and child. ‘See you later, guys.’
An almost physical pull brought her to a near stop before she crossed the threshold of the hospital room.
‘Hello you,’ she heard Catriona say, her voice as soft as a summer breeze. ‘It’s me, your mummy.’
It was a short drive from the hospital back to Castle House as the crow flies, except that the crow didn’t have to stop and wait for the car ferry to trundle back across the river and pick them up, and the crow certainly didn’t have to deal with a series of awkward silences, relieved only by comments about a passing cow, or how green the trees looked for, um, June. But somehow the long silences seemed louder than anything, a jumble of unspoken words surging between them.
‘That must have been hard for you,’ Jed said eventually as they waited for the ferry to travel inch by inch across the river. ‘To leave Mo there. I know you’d only had her for a short time, but you’d bonded.’
Tamsyn nodded. ‘It was harder than I expected, although I don’t have any right to feel that way, not really. I know Catriona’s her mother, and seeing her looking at Mo that way, I knew it was the right thing to do. And she’s going to be around in my life for a while yet, her and Kirsten. I’m going to keep an eye on her, help her out when I can.’
‘That’s good of you,’ Jed said.
‘Is it good, or just … the right thing to do?’ Tamsyn asked him.
‘It’s both.’ Jed nodded. ‘And now, the wedding day. I hear the church is looking amazing; that Keira did an incredible job.’
‘I don’t doubt it,’ Tamsyn said, slowly pulling Sue’s rickety old car onto the ferry, reasonably sure that the brakes would kick in again before it drove off the other side. ‘My sister is much more talented and creative than she gives herself credit for. I’m looking forward to seeing the finished product.’ She smoothed the fabric of her leggings down her thighs as if it were the finest tailored skirt.
‘And then, pastures new,’ Jed said. ‘For both of us, though I suppose technically your pastures are more like recycled, if that’s a thing.’
Tamsyn pulled the car over into a lay-by and turned to look at him. The action must have alarmed him a little because he sat back in his seat, his hand on the door handle, perhaps in case he felt like he might need to make a quick exit.
‘You know that kiss, under the table? The one where you took my top off.’
Jed looked away from her, keeping his eyes fixed on the road ahead. ‘Tamsyn, we’ve got to get to a wedding. Do you think now is the time?’
‘I just need to know, Jed. What did it mean? What did it mean to you, did you feel anything?’
‘Of course I did.’ Jed still would not look at her. ‘You are a beautiful woman. I’m a man of flesh and blood. Of course I felt things, a lot of things. But they are feelings that disrespected you, and me. And what I believe.’
‘Why did they disrespect me?’ Tamsyn asked him. ‘I quite liked them.’
‘Because you deserve more than a man’s lust, Tamsyn, a confused and damaged man’s lust. Surely you realise that you are worth more than that? A million times more than that. You deserve to be cherished, adored, worshipped, admired and loved.’
‘I see,’ Tamsyn said, because it couldn’t really be any more obvious. It was the hot vicar equivalent of telling her that she was a great girl, just not the girl for him. After all, Jed could have his pick of the good Christian women of Poldore; why would he settle for a heathen like her? Though she wanted to argue with him, instead she settled for agreeing. ‘Of course I know I’m worth a lot more than that, that’s why I ended things with Bernard. Well, I’m glad we talked about it. Cleared the air. Now, haven’t we got a wedding to get to?’
It was clear that something was very wrong the second she caught sight of Cordelia and her mother’s faces as they stood outside Castle House. Laura was on the phone, her face etched with concern, and Cordelia, whom Tamsyn had always thought would take everything up to and including a zombie apocalypse in her stride, rubbed her hands repeatedly across her face, her loosely braided hair threaded with wild flowers, even though she was still wearing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.
‘What’s going on?’ Tamsyn asked, as soon as she got out of the car.
‘Oh Tamsyn,’ Laura shook her head. ‘It’s Ruan. He’s not at the lighthouse, he’s not at the hotel, he’s not answering his phone. No one knows where he is.’
‘To put it bluntly,’ Cordelia added, her tone darkly serious, ‘our brother has done a runner.’
‘I know where he is,’ Tamsyn said, looking up at the clock that stood over the portcullis of Castle House. ‘I’ll get him.’
‘Well, where?’ Laura asked her. ‘There’s less than an hour to the wedding. Alex is up there now, having her hair and make-up done, and she looks so lovely, all happy and dewy and excited. Her dad, Marcus and the others have arrived. Champagne corks are popping – we can’t have word getting round that Ruan has gone AWOL. Even Buoy’s pacing back and forth, growling. If we’re not careful she’ll find out what’s going on.’
‘She’ll have to find out sooner or later,’ Cordelia shrugged. ‘Maybe better now than at the altar, you know? Tam, maybe you should go up there now and tell her, like, straight out. Treat it like you are whipping off a Band-Aid.’