Ultimate Baseball Road Trip (75 page)

Kevin:
When it comes to setting a bad example for today’s youth, smokeless tobacco is baseball’s real scourge.

Josh:
More than steroids?

Kevin:
Look at how many more people die of tobacco than steroids.

Josh:
This is the type of conversation we just didn’t have on our first trip.

Kevin:
Parenthood changes your perspective a bit, doesn’t it?

The flagpole in left-center field is huge. Until Comerica’s remodeling, it was on the field of play, just as it had been at Tiger Stadium. Using his compass, a protractor, a slide ruler, the backside of a hot dog wrapper, and a blue Sharpie, Josh calculated its height to be 123.5 feet. During the entire three-inning ordeal, Kevin kept shaking his head and muttering, “We can look up the height on the Internet when we get home.”

In the introduction to this chapter we already discussed the amazing statues that stand behind the left-center-field wall at Comerica, so we won’t take up too much space rehashing them here, other than to say make sure you take a stroll to pay them homage. They’re really superbly done. Additionally, check out from other vantage points in the park how the Tigers have likewise honored these individuals by printing their names and uniform numbers on the brick wall facing home plate that stands in front of each distinctive monument. Similarly, the names of other legendary but not quite statue-worthy Tigers like Sparky Anderson appear on the wall in right-center.

We don’t usually do flips or summersaults or acrobatics of any kind over scoreboards, but this one caught our eye and struck our fancy. Let’s just say we did a few jumping-jacks upon seeing it, which, given our present conditioning, is about as close to acrobatics as we can safely get. Two tigers prowl at the top, while a face clock with the Detroit logo appears in the center. These effects, we liked. Of course, the board also leaves ample room for advertising, which, as you know, we absolutely love being bombarded with at the ballpark. You never know when you’re going to glance up—say to see how many outs there are, or who’s batting—and discover a whole new kind of beer that just might change your life. But seriously, we liked those glowing-eyed tigers atop the board.

The upper-deck seats behind the plate offer the best view of the downtown skyline. The most prominent building is the Broderick Tower, which looms over right field displaying a 65-by-180-foot undersea/above-sea mural. This was crafted by internationally renowned marine life artist Wyland, a Detroit-born guy who just goes by one name, kind of like Ichiro, Bono or Oprah.

Josh:
What Ichiro does with a bat in his hand is equivalent to what Wyland does with a paintbrush.

Kevin:
I’m not sure he uses a brush way up there.

Josh:
What, then?

Kevin:
Rollers? Actually, I’ll be damned if I know. But he’s no Ichiro.

Josh:
(Sigh) You Mariners fans sure are sensitive when it comes to Mr. Suzuki.

Kevin:
We’re sensitive about a lot of things.

During one of our September visits to Comerica we were slightly horrified to find many of the TVs on the concourse tuned to a Canadian Football League game between Saskatchewan and Edmonton.

Josh:
Sweet fancy Butkus. Those hosers just punted on third down!

Kevin:
Welcome to the Great White North.

As mentioned above, fast-food magnate Mike Ilitch owns the Tigers. Despite this, or perhaps because of it, the offerings at Comerica are rather unexceptional. This, despite a diverse food court that always gives us hope before leaving us a tad disappointed. Sorry, Mike, we’ll keep cramming as much as we can eat in three hours, if you keep trying.

We generally try to avoid ballpark pies unless we’re in Chicago. But since the Tigers and Little Caesars share a common owner, we figured we ought to split a slice. It was decent and freshly-made, but it was still just Little Caesar’s. That said, if you happen to be a finicky eater or have a child who happens to be one, this may be one of the safer bets at the park. Like the Little Caesars back home, it’s consistently good but something less than life-altering.

Comerica’s standard stadium dog always lets us down. On more than one occasion, our dog has seemed less than fresh, limp, and lifeless. That said, it’s worth visiting the Singing Hot Dog Vendor, just for the experience. This operatic fellow works the Section 100 beat. You’ll know him when you hear him. Trust us. From our observation, he does the steadiest business among all of the wiener-schleppers and, consequently, his dogs are most frequently replenished. Although this basic dog is a disappointment, ultimately, there are several opportunities to score specialty dogs within Comerica. These are sold at mobile stands on the concourse and at a special dog stand in the food court. We recommend opting for one of those two methods of dog procurement if you’re hankering for a frankering. We tried the
Chicago Style Hot Dogs Stand
in the food court. The stand specializes in Chicago Style or Coney Island dogs, which cost a dollar more than the regular ballpark offering. It’s worth it. This natural-casing Kowalski dog is grilled and tasty. They got the Chicago dog toppings just right, but the Coney sauce wasn’t what we were expecting. In Detroit, the Coney sauce has quite a bit of chili powder and cumin in it. It tasted good, but took a few bites for us to get used to. The fact that it comes smothered in cheese too, certainly helped in winning over our palates.

There’s something to be said for arriving early and visiting the
Beer Hall,
a reasonably priced sports bar located within the Brushfire Grill. This becomes a much less appealing option once game time arrives, because with wait service and no view of the field, a trip to the hall will keep real fans away for too long. We found the entrees reasonably priced and of higher quality than most of the food we sampled elsewhere. Hard lemonade and wine are available, while the bottled beers include Labatt Blue, Molson Canadian, Heineken, Corona, Sam Adams, Killian’s Red, and Guinness Stout. Yes, that’s right folks, honest-to-goodness Guinness at the ballpark—Kevin was MIA from innings two through seven. With its pictures of Tiger greats, we found this an inviting place.

As for our favorite selections from the Big Cat Food Court, they included the
Hand Rolled Pretzel,
which we seasoned with cinnamon and sugar. Clearly, this hand-rolled pretzel is one of the best in the big leagues.

The orange chicken stir fry at the
Asian Tiger
was better than we expected. We don’t usually look for Chinese at the old ballgame, but it more than held its own.

Josh tried a
turkey leg
at the Brushfire grill and gave it a solid eight out of ten (belches, that is).

Kevin liked the
Kielbasa
sandwich he got at a mobile stand on the Mezzanine. Then again, Kevin’s never met a piece of Kielbasa he didn’t like.

For dessert, we split an Elephant Ear from the
Lemons and Ears
stand in the food court. We were tempted to try the
Italian Beef
at a portable stand behind Section 131 but decided not to push our luck. If any of our readers would like to try it and shoot us an e-mail with the thumbs up or thumbs down, please feel free. Similarly, if anyone wants to take a stab at calculating how many calories we consumed at Comerica, based on our review of the items mentioned above, you also have our blessing.

During our most recent visit, we were pleasantly surprised to find a local microbrew had been allowed to set up a stand inside Comerica. The
Atwater Block Brewery
cart resides out behind the left-field foul pole. The taps were pouring Michigan Lager and Dirty Blonde when we visited. As we’re both married to brunettes, naturally we immediately gravitated toward the Dirty Blonde and both found it tasty and light.

The
Labatt Jungle,
behind Section 104 in deep right, offers a distant window-view of the field.

The
Tiger Den Beer Stand
on the first base concourse is a find. They have several varieties—Amstel Light, Corona, Guinness, Heineken, etc.—in twelve-ounce bottles.

Yard-sized
Frozen Daiquiris
are available at several stands. Typical flavors include Blue Sky, Strawberry, and Piña Colada. Kevin tried the strawberry and found it a refreshing choice—effeminate, but refreshing. As Kevin repeatedly reminded Josh, he is secure enough in his masculinity to indulge in a frozen drink at the ballpark now and again. To this, Josh replied, “Methinks me lady doth protest too much!”

Detroit’s baseball resurgence has helped put the growl back into the Tigers fans. We observed a ballpark intensity during a recent visit that had been decidedly lacking when we visited Comerica in 2003. To this, we say “hoorah.” Still, this is a ballpark that goes out of its way to cater to families. It is a friendly place for all.

All summer long the Tigers put on a free postgame fireworks show after Friday and Saturday night games. That must make the Fourth of July seem anticlimactic but we’re sure the local kiddies appreciate it … and their fathers too, who suddenly have some leverage to make sure the whole family stays until the last out and then a little longer.

Children under the age of fourteen are invited to run the bases for free after Sunday games. On the day we visited, one gangly thirty-something (who shall remain nameless) tried to take the field to touch all four along with them, but was turned away by ushers.

Kevin:
Such is life. It’s all downhill after the innocence of childhood passes us by.

Josh:
I’ll be by to bail you out after I finish this beer. You’ve really had a banner day in Detroit, incidentally.

Maybe Kevin had imbibed in one too many daiquiris, or maybe the Lady Jane’s commercial they played on the video board really was hilarious. Josh was visiting a bathroom and missed the spectacle. According to Kevin, the between-inning ad portrayed Lady Jane’s as a haircutting chain that specializes in its sexy stylists, making it sort of akin to the Hooters of the barber shop world. Apparently, one of the stylists severely nicked a patron’s ear during the course of a fictitious haircut in the ad but the dumb bloke didn’t even mind, so smitten was he with her feminine form.

So there you have it, being ridiculous enough to crack up Kevin on one of his “tipsy” days just earned Lady Jane’s Haircuts a free plug (pun intended!) in
The Ultimate Baseball Road Trip
2.0, for whatever that’s worth. Legal disclaimer: Josh and Kevin assume no responsible for any haircut or facial injury you may sustain at Lady Jane’s.

Comerica has hosted several concerts during its short life. Usually these occur during the summer when the Tigers are out of town. Chief among the acts to play the park have been local sons Eminem and Ted Nugent. Other acts to play Comerica have included the Rolling Stones, the Dave Matthews Band, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, Kid Rock, Kiss, and Aerosmith.