Unbound: The Pentagon Group, Book 2 (5 page)

“The fact is, Matt, you did. You hurt me. I’m hurt. I can’t forget. I’m not able to forgive. Do you even know how to treat a woman you claim to love? I was in such a great place when I first walked into your office. And even though you didn’t flirt with me, I felt hope that I could finally be interested in a man again. And after we had sex, for the first time in a long time, I felt desired. But the reality is, even if you tell me everything we experienced wasn’t faked, I will never believe you. And a relationship can't develop or continue on a lie, and especially without trust. Before Thursday, I felt like I would place my life in your hands, and right now, I don’t even want to be in the same universe with you because I don’t come first. Pentagon comes first. They always have and they always will. What’s the fucked up saying? Bros before hoes? Now, please, move on. Forget about me.” He took off his glasses and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He swallowed hard a few times before responding.

“I’ll do everything you ask to make us work. I’ll sell everything. I’ll cut my ties to Pentagon. I won’t see my friends. I’ll quit my affiliations overseas. It’ll just be you and me . . . forever. We can start a family.” He pleaded. My eyes widened, and then my brows furrowed.

I chuckled at the audacity and raised my arms, “You think I would ever consider starting a family with you. I want children who have a father they can depend on to take care of and support their mother. I need a husband who isn’t a liar, a user, and a thief. I don’t . . .” A honking car behind Matt’s illegally parked car interrupted me. He ran his hands through his hair

“Fuck.” He shouted when he looked over to his vehicle. The driver of the honking vehicle yelled out the window at us.

“Good bye, Matt. And I really mean it when I say ‘good bye’. No damn flowers or notes. I’m better off without you. Go have a fresh start with someone else. Maybe you can find someone else to use; maybe, a resort in Maine as your next project.” I walked away toward the bus, refusing to look back to see if Matt was following or if he stood there in stunned wonder like he did the first night at the dance club. I assumed he went back to his car because the honking stopped soon after we heard it. After many deep breaths and uplifting mantras, my breathing and blood pressure evened out, I was able to continue on my task.

The wait at the bus was minimal. Getting into my regular routine, which I’d abandoned because I’d fallen for Matt’s control and expectation that I live at his apartment, was easy. I’d had an epiphany; Ben had once controlled me, and Matt sucked me back into being controlled again under the guise of love and passion. Even upon the dissolution of our marriage, Ben controlled the rest of my life. I was free to a degree, but he maintained control until I paid off a false debt. After the experience with Matt, once again I regained the control by being the strong, independent woman my mother always wanted me to be. I reaffirmed my plans on the bus ride.

After a short walk from the T, I arrived at the library and immediately went to a librarian. I requested some help with finding books on job hunting and resume writing. When she pointed me to the section, I eagerly walked to peruse the shelves. There were so many books on the topic. I spent half an hour perusing titles, reading the summary, and finally selected two books which looked promising because it incorporated job hunting, resume writing, salary negotiations, and relocation information. I couldn’t tolerate the romance and erotica books I usually borrowed, so I went to the stacks of newly released fiction books and hoped  a few covers would reel me in.

There was a handsome man standing at the stacks. He seemed pretty young, maybe a college student, he smiled at me when I approached the section, and I nervously returned the smile. I trained my eyes on the stack down the aisle from where he stood. I picked up a book and read the summary on the flap, but felt uncomfortably exposed, as if I were being stared at. I tried to ignore the sensation and continued looking before me, but couldn’t focus on the summary of the book I held.

“That’s not such a great book.” He exclaimed.

I turned to look at him, and confirmed he was speaking to me. “Oh?” I responded, turning the book from front to back.

“It starts off well and then loses steam midway and becomes painful to finish. It was not the best ending. Do you need help picking a book? What genre do you like? I can suggest something.” He eagerly offered.

“Um. I’m just perusing. I’m not quite sure what genre I want to start reading; perhaps, literary fiction . . . I’m more of a romance novel type, but . . .” I thought quickly before I said something personal. “I’m trying to expand my horizons. But I don’t want to take your time.”

“Oh, you aren’t. I love to read and I like offering suggestions.” He scanned the stacks and pulled out a book. “This one is really good. It has a bit of adventure, mystery, and it’s funny throughout. No romance, so you should be safe.” He handed me the book as he looked around for another and plucked it from the shelf. “This one was a great story of a young woman trying to make a name for herself and all the obstacles she overcomes. Lots of witty and funny dialogue, you’d like it.” I took it from him.

“Thanks, these are a good start.”

“So, do you come here often?” He paused and snorted. “That was lame. I didn’t mean it the cliché way it’s typically asked. Sorry.” He stated sheepishly.

“I didn’t take it that way. Actually, I do come here often . . . in between shifts at my jobs. I love reading here. It’s relaxing. Are you a librarian?”

“I’m interning here. I’m a Master’s student in library science, so I get to work here a few shifts a week.”

“Ah, no wonder you’re so knowledgeable, and literate. You’re doing a great job. You’ve eliminated endless options for me, and I thank you.” I smiled.

“Well, you could return the favor by going out to coffee with me.” He smiled hopefully.

“Umm. . . Wow. I’m sorry.” I paused, gathering my words so I could be sensitive and firm. “I think you’re a kind man, and yes there is a ‘but’. But I’m not in a place to date anyone. Super complicated life, hence no romance books for now, so regrettably, I must decline. If we would’ve had this encounter three months ago I would’ve asked you for coffee.”

“My loss.” He extended, sincerely. “I’m Jonah.” He extended his hand.

I shifted the books to my left arm, “I’m Perla. Nice meeting you and again, thanks. Good luck with your studies.”

“Thanks. I hope to see you again.” He smiled. I nodded and returned the smile, and walked away.

The pain and humiliation from Matt’s lies still lingered in my mind, but having a complete stranger try to pick me up was ego inflating at such a delicate time. As always, the universe’s timing sucked, but it was for the best. I needed time to evaluate what I wanted from a long term relationship. As I checked out the books at the automatic checkout stand, I felt so much better. Even the minor interaction with Jonah was worth the trip.

I walked out of the library, seeking out a coffee shop because I needed to get a latte and some food before commuting back to my place. I found a shop across from the T’s entrance. It wasn’t very busy, which kept it quiet. After selecting a sandwich, ordering a latte, and paying for it all, I found a seat and waited for my latte to be up. I pulled out one of the novels Jonah recommended and started reading. The first paragraph hooked me. It was funny, and I couldn’t wait to delve in deeper.

My name was called to pick up my latte, and I retrieved it to infuse a vat of sugar in the creamy concoction. I needed the sugar to energize me. By the time the crash occurred, I’d be home in bed reading the novel. A man sidled up beside me at the coffee prep station.

“Hi.” He said. I looked up and it was Eric.

“Eric . . . Hi. What are you doing here?” I asked nervously.

“My office is nearby. I’m just taking a break, getting some coffee so I can go back to work. What are you doing here?”

“I went to the library to get a few books. Now, I’m getting lunch.”

“I called you last night, but you didn’t respond. I wanted to make sure you’re okay. How are you doing?”

“I’m as best as I can be considering it all.” I stirred the sugar and replaced the lid. “Look, Eric. I don’t mean to be ungrateful for your trying to protect me, but I need to distance myself from this whole sordid tale. I can’t continue to see you or talk to you after this revelation. It isn’t appropriate for me to talk to someone who is connected to Pentagon. I just want to move on and part of it is distancing myself from you too.”

“What?” He looked hurt, and it wasn’t my intention. I wasn’t prepared for the discussion, but my request was best said sooner than later. “Perla, I’d like to be your friend. I gave you the information as a friend, trying to protect you.” His eyes changed from hurt to pleading.

I took a sip of the hot coffee, needing the jolt of energy. I walked toward my table, leaving him standing at the creamer station, and I sat down. He followed, taking the free seat in front of me.

“I don’t mean to be rude, Eric, but I have to eat and I’d rather eat alone.” I started to unveil my sandwich from the wrapper. He put his hand over mine, stopping me from retrieving my sandwich. I sighed and took a deep breath. “Do you mind?” I glanced at his hand and then looked sternly at him. He pulled his hand away. I pulled out my sandwich and took a bite, chewed and then took a sip of my coffee. He remained seated and watched me as I ate. In my famished state, I didn’t complain because I was thinking of only myself.

When I finished half the sandwich, he started speaking again. “I will admit I’m extremely attracted to you. I’ve never pretended otherwise, but I didn’t give you the information to destroy your relationship with Dr. Keene. I just wanted you to connect the dots so you’d be informed because he obviously didn’t let you decide for yourself.”

“Eric, honestly, what did you expect would happen when you gave me the information? What do you get out of it?” I asked, invoking Carson’s attitude. I took a sip, never removing my gaze from his.

He swallowed. “To protect you from being further hurt by the people who own Pentagon. I don’t know Dr. Keene’s intentions, but he wasn’t going to tell you. It wasn’t fair. If he loves you, he should be protecting you and not using you.” The appreciation, anger and hurt were colliding in my chest.

“You don’t really know me. We haven’t spent any time together. We don’t know each other’s quirks and eccentricities, wants and needs, and do’s and don’ts. I can’t really categorize you as a friend. I can only say you’re an acquaintance. I don’t pretend I’m every man’s fantasy, but if you told me confidential company information expecting an easy fuck in return, you’re sorely mistaken.” I said calmly and evenly. He was shocked by my words and was literally taken aback, reclining in his chair. His cheeks flushed pink and he bit his lip and shook his head.

“It was never my intention. I’m not going to pretend I wouldn’t fuck you if I had a chance. You’re a gorgeous, vivacious woman, and up until this point you were very kind. I would never patronize you by putting the moves on you when you’re vulnerable. I like to think I’m a good man. I also like to think I’m a good friend which is all I was trying to be for you. I can tell you’re okay because the venom you just spouted at me doesn’t come from a wilting flower. Take care and good luck.” He stood up and walked out without ordering his coffee.

A gigantic lump formed in my throat. I felt a twinge of guilt for my approach. I tried really hard to be cautious with my words, eliciting a discussion, and not an argument. However, I needed him to be gone, distancing him from my present and future life. I lost my appetite for the other half of the sandwich, so I wrapped it up and tucked it in my tote. I slung the tote over my shoulder. I gripped the book in one hand and my latte in the other. I’d hoped to have a quiet little meal with a good book, but it was taken away from me. What I would’ve given to be transported to a South Pacific island in the moment, away from the drama, and men. I could’ve used some time on the sand and surf. I planned to call Carson and convince him I needed some time on the beach. He’d drive us to Rhode Island and go to one of the many beaches he grew up playing on.

I caught the train and then the bus, reading on each. My mind would wander to thoughts of Matt. Not wanting to bring attention to myself by crying, I would squash it by thinking about my plans for the future. The tears threatened to burst while I walked from the bus stop to my apartment, remembering our earlier encounter. The human brain and heart were traitorous; the duality of being angry with a person and also having passionate feelings were confusing. Foolishly, I believed I had a passionate and committed love with Matt. I was a good person, a loving daughter, and an attentive friend, but I felt cheated out of true love.

I arrived at my apartment. The bouquet was gone. I opened my mail box loaded with mail. I once joked with Matt I should just have my mail forwarded to his apartment because I spent so much time there, and he agreed, in earnest. I quickly perused the contents, thankfully lacking bills and filled with junk. Because I didn’t have the Inn anymore and Matt wouldn’t be purchasing incidentals for me, I needed a part time job.

When I entered my little studio, I had a mixed response to the tiny room. I was happy to be in my own space, but it felt incredibly small and lonely. Matt’s apartment was spacious with beautiful light streaming in. For the last few weeks, it was magical to look out and see all the activity on the water. You could see the heat rising in the brightly lit sky. I loved to see people on their roof tops and balconies reading, sunbathing, or entertaining guests. I felt at home in his apartment. I’d cook us dinner and we’d eat side by side on the counter, talking about our families, friends, or work. Best of all, he was there for me. I enjoyed my time with him, spending time as a loving couple. He’d always treated me as an equal partner in his home. Until the day I confronted him with the truth he’d been hiding, we’d never argued.