Nina abruptly stopped, nearly yanking Jacie off her feet with the hasty movement. "Hell, no!" she gasped, steadying Jacie with her other hand. "That's not what I meant."
"I'm sure I don't look like I did in college," Jacie conceded, still scowling. "But God knows I was a skinny, gawky kid then."
Nina rolled her eyes. "Why is it that you've never understood how beautiful you are, Jacie?"
"Yeah," Jacie snorted. "I'm a regular Miss America in blue jeans."
Nina gazed at her fondly, unable to stop herself from feeling a wellspring of emotion. She tucked a blowing strand of hair behind Jacie's ear. When she realized what she was doing, she blushed and pulled her hand away and gently cleared her throat. "Time has been nothing but kind to you, and you know it. You were a pretty girl, but you're a stunning woman. You've improved with time." A tiny smile. "And that's saying something."
A charmed smile lit Jacie's face, which was still stained with dirt from her trek through the woods to find her friend. "Really?"
Nina chuckled and started to walk again. "Yeah, Pig Pen, really."
Leaves and twigs crunched under their feet as they followed the path that ran only a few feet from the river's edge. They were quiet for a long time, enjoying the fresh air and the sounds of the wind in the trees.
"Well," Jacie finally said, trying to recall what they'd been discussing a few moments earlier, "you look just the way I've pictured you in my head."
"Me and the ten pounds I've put on over the years."
They were avoiding the one thing Jacie knew they needed to discuss. Still, she played along with the inane conversation a little longer, gathering her thoughts. She shrugged one shoulder. "You were always sort of skinny."
Nina smiled. "And I'm starting to find gray in my hair."
Jacie pulled her hand from her pocket and took the opportunity to run her fingers through a few soft strands. "It's only one or two. And besides," she nodded to herself, "it looks good on you."
Nina met Jacie's gaze and struggled not to fall into soft brown eyes. Suddenly, the thought of another moment of small talk was unbearable. "I want to kiss you or kill you or maybe both," she blurted, licking her lips nervously. "And it's the not knowing which one that's killing me." She studied Jacie's face, desperate to gauge her reaction to the shocking words.
Jacie blinked, astonished at Nina's courage. She stopped walking and cupped Nina's cheek, the chilled skin cooling her palm. "Holy shit, Nina."
She cringed, her bravado fading fast. "I know."
Jacie tried to gather her wits, which were as scattered as the leaves upon the ground. "Well, you've already kissed me and smacked me," she reminded her gently. "But if my opinion matters, the kiss was much nicer."
Nina looked away. "You broke my heart, Jacie," she admitted bitterly, saying out loud what she'd repeated in her head so many times.
Jacie closed her eyes, her resentment building. "Yeah?" She could hear a note of hoarseness in her voice but forced herself to continue, opening her eyes and moving until Nina was forced to meet her gaze. "Well, you broke mine, too." She grabbed Nina's hand and pressed it to her chest as if Nina could somehow feel the damage she'd inflicted.
Nina pulled her hand away. "I know what you think I did."
Jacie's eyes flashed. "Think?"
"Yes, think." Now Nina's gaze was just as fiery as the one boring a hole right through her. "I was afraid and unsure, but I wasn't… I mean, I didn't–"
"Stop." Jacie suddenly turned her back on Nina.
Shit. I will not cry.
"You don't need to explain yourself to me. What's done is done, and rehashing it isn't going to help either one of us." But that was a lie and she knew it.
"You were a coward!" Nina snapped, her frustration getting the best of her.
Jacie nodded slowly, her jaw and fists clenching. Nina watched as her back went ramrod straight.
"I guess I was a coward. But I think I've paid for that."
Nina was startled by the ready admission, and it bled some of the steam from her voice. "Don't you see, Jacie? You're not the only one who's paid. And you're wrong," she told her bluntly, grabbing Jacie by the shoulders and turning her around to face her.
Tears glistened in Jacie's eyes, and Nina blinked away a few of her own. "Even if we're never anything to each other again, I don't want this between us." She swallowed thickly. "We need to talk about what happened. I want to get on with my life. I need to do that."
Jacie's knees felt weak. She didn't want to know the answer, and yet her heart demanded nothing less. "Does getting on with your life mean that there's no place in it for me?"
Nina scrubbed her face, honestly at a loss. "I… You've had my heart my whole life. Maybe for me to be happy, I need to take it back."
Jacie's eyebrows rose. "I've had your heart?"
Nina gave her a miserable nod. "Forever, you idiot."
Jacie blinked slowly, feeling as though she might shake apart from within. "Forever?" she croaked.
"That's what I said." Nina smiled sadly. "And I should have told you 20 years ago. I fucked up, Jace. And I'm so sorry."
Jacie felt sick. "I-I-I never knew." Her eyes were wide and glassy. "I mean I knew how I felt. But I didn't think you–"
Nina couldn't maintain even a watery smile. "I know."
"Wow." Jacie rubbed sweaty palms together. "Just wow."
Do it! Do it before it's too late.
"I hate to do this to you, Nina. But I have bad news."
Nina braced herself. At least Jacie hadn't outright laughed at how pathetic she was for harboring feelings all these years and not being able to move beyond them. "Yeah?"
"Yeah," Jacie confirmed, her voice so gentle it was nearly carried away by the breeze. "You can't have your heart back." She shrugged helplessly and gave her the vulnerable look that had always made Nina want to stop whatever she was doing and give her a hug.
Incredulous, Nina just stared this time, her feet rooted in place.
"Sorry." Jacie waited, worrying when seconds ticked by and Nina said nothing. "Are you okay?" she finally asked.
"No!" Nina's body exploded into motion, and she began pacing "What do you mean, I can't have it back? Don't you see? I haven't been able to think of anything but you these past few weeks. I'm not sleeping. I'm–"
Jacie stepped forward and took Nina's hands in hers. "You were right. We need to deal with the past. I don't want it to hurt either of us anymore."
This, Nina decided, was what it felt like to have mental whiplash. But, even if it killed her, she resolved to put all her cards on the table today. "We don't have anything to lose, huh?" she joked wanly, knowing that wasn't true, at least for her.
"We have everything to lose," Jacie said seriously as she dropped one of Nina's hands and tugged her along with the other, hoping this path along the river was a long one. They were going to be here a while. "We're just doing it anyway."
* * *
Late Spring 1983
St. Louis, Missouri
It was just past eleven o'clock when Jacie unlocked the front door and let herself inside the house she shared with her friends. She walked slowly over to the kitchen table and tossed her keys down, her head falling into her hands as she yawned. She heard the faint sounds of the television coming from the living room.
Gwen had moved out two months ago. And while Jacie had been under a financial strain before, now she felt as though she were drowning. Things had gone from bad to worse as each girl worked to pick up the slack left by Gwen's absence. Tempers were unusually short, and during the last few weeks, the house had either been filled with angry raised voices or stony silence.
She and Nina and Audrey had argued bitterly that morning over whose turn it was to clean the shower. Nina had taken Audrey's side against her, and though she'd come to realize they'd been right, it had still hurt to have the person who was always in her corner stand up for someone else.
Nina wandered into the kitchen wearing a T-shirt that fell mid-thigh and a pair of ratty, fuzzy slippers. Her face was pink from a fresh scrubbing, showing off a spattering of freckles that covered her nose and cheeks. Her sandy hair was wet from a recent shower. "Hey, you." She smiled tiredly. "I thought I heard the door."
Jacie was silent for a moment, then said, "I guess this means you're talking to me?" Both young women had been afraid to give voice to what they'd been feeling for months. And though they'd come close a dozen times, they'd yet to even kiss, their fear of the unknown just enough to hold them back… and make them crazy.
Nina winced internally. Things had gotten out of hand that morning, and she'd said a few things for no purpose other than to hurt Jacie. She wasn't proud of that fact, and she moved quickly now to smooth over what she knew was a bad case of hurt feelings.
"I'd like to be talking to you, Jacie." She let her embarrassment show on her face. "I'm so sorry about this morning. I've been… Well…"
I've been wanting to find out if your lips are as soft as they look and not known how to deal with it, and so I took it out on you?
She mentally rolled her eyes.
Yeah, best friends always love to hear that you're lusting after them.
"I've been sort of stressed lately."
She lifted her eyebrows in entreaty. "Forgive me," she said softly. "Please?"
Jacie wanted more of an explanation, but the look on Nina's face was so sad and hopeful that she couldn't hold out for more than a few seconds. "Yeah." She gave her a warm smile. "You know I do." Slapping the table with the palms of her hands, she leaned forward. "I'll even go clean the bathroom right now." She took a step forward only to have Nina reach out and grab her arm.
"I already did it."
"What?" she exploded, her hands shaping frustrated fists. "You weren't supposed to do that!" Now she felt even worse than she had that morning when Audrey had pointed out rather tersely that just because she worked nights didn't mean they had to do her chores. "I'm not a slacker."
"Of course you're not. Relax," Nina urged gently. "I had the time. So no big deal." She tilted her head towards the kitchen table. "Sit and talk with me for a minute? I can't sleep."
Jacie was dead on her feet and quite sure she'd be asleep before her head hit the pillow. "Sure." As she sat, she couldn't help but admire Nina's slender, but curvy form through the thin nightshirt she wore.
Nina took her place across from Jacie at the small Formica table, noting curiously that Jacie's gaze was following her every move. She looked down at her T-shirt, wondering if she'd spilled something on herself. "What are you staring at?" She plucked at the white cotton.
Caught looking, Jacie picked up the keys she'd tossed on the table earlier and twisted them nervously in her hands as she searched for an excuse. Any excuse. Coming up empty, she said, "Umm… You look nice is all." She smiled weakly and held her breath, her heartbeat thundering in her ears. Then she let out a relieved chuckle when Nina gave her a somewhat embarrassed smile back.
Nina squirmed a little in her chair, swallowing hard and squeezing her thighs together when she realized that she was pleasantly aroused by Jacie's attention.
God.
Though their feelings had gone unspoken, things between the two of them had slowly been changing over the past few months. They no longer made excuses to spend time together, simply accepting that being together made them happier than being with anyone else. Frequent, lingering touches skirted the edge of chaste. And sometimes, when Jacie looked into Nina's eyes for too long, she grew tongue-tied or completely forgot what she was saying.
That Nina loved Jacie was not in doubt. She'd come to acknowledge that the girlish crush on her best friend had evolved into something much deeper and much more adult. The heady feelings left her breathless, and the thick blanket of attraction that clung to them at times lent even the most innocent exchanges a hint of sexual tension.
"Are you okay?" Jacie asked, concerned with the deer-in-the-headlights look on Nina's face. She'd seen that look quite a few times lately.
"Fine." Nina nodded quickly, her mouth going dry. "F-fine."
Jacie gave her a doubtful look. "If you say so." Her focus shifted to the swinging door that led to the living room. "Katy home yet?"
Nina snorted softly, glad to have the attention off her for the time being "Does she even live here anymore?"
Jacie shrugged. "Good question. She spends so much time at her new boyfriend's apartment, I figure that any day now, she'll tell us they're moving in together. And I'll be royally screwed."
Nina nodded miserably, well aware that would mean moving out of the house or taking on strangers as roommates, something she was loath to do.
"I wonder if she's even bothering to go to class. I think all they do is make-out 24 hours a day."
"She told me she wouldn't be home tonight." Nina shrugged. "But she is going to class even if she sleeps through half of it. I–" She glanced up, and got a good look at the dark circles under her friend's eyes. "Jacie," she sighed softly. "Speaking of sleeping, you look beat." Her forehead wrinkled with worry, and she reached out, tracing Jacie's cheekbone, which seemed to have gained more prominence in the past week or so. "Have you eaten yet?"
Jacie leaned back in her chair and laid her hand over her concave belly. "Do six slices of lime and a bowl full of cherries swiped from the bar count?"
"No," Nina said seriously. "They don't." She stood up and moved to the kitchen counter. "What do you want to–"
"I don't have anything here." Jacie frowned, mentally calculating the meager tips she'd earned that night. They were needed for her portion of the electric bill, which was due any day now. "I need to go to the store." The girls bought their own food, sharing only a few staples that it didn't pay to buy individually. Her shelf had been depressingly bare all week long.
Nina peered into Jacie's section of the cupboard, seeing only a can of tomato sauce and a half-empty box of toothpicks. She waved a dismissive hand. "I got paid yesterday and went to the market. I have plenty to share."