Katherine smiled back, seeing an echo of her lover in Gwen's puffy eyes. "You're welcome."
"Okay, you next, Audrey." She focused all her attention on the heavy-set woman as she took a seat on the coffee table. "Everything I just said to Katy applies to you, too." She swallowed hard, her stomach clenching nervously. "But of course, there's more. That night at the Blagbrough Galleries, I was unspeakably cruel to you."
"I felt like you'd punched me in the stomach," Audrey whispered, having a hard time meeting Gwen's stare. "I was so embarrassed. I didn't understand…."
Soft blue eyes conveyed nothing but sadness. "You wouldn't have understood. Even though we were close in a different way than I was with the other girls, you weren't really like me, Audrey. You're fundamentally a kind person. You always thought of the rest of us before yourself. And no matter what was happening, you always wanted to make peace."
Gwen's words were met with a round of nods. "I, on the other hand, didn't really know what it meant to be kind or to think of others before myself. I was at my best when I was with all of you." Her gaze swept the room and she was gratified to see everyone was paying rapt attention to her words. "By the time we met again that night, we'd been apart for what seemed like so long, it was like I'd forgotten that I needed to try to work at being a better person. I was scared and stupid and I thought that if I pretended hard enough I could make the Langtrees and all their snooty friends forget that I didn't belong. Problem was, I could never forget. And it showed in everything I did."
Gwen could feel tears welling and she bit them back with little success. "I'm sorry. I-I haven't cried this much since I was 16 and every little thing that happened in life was so vitally important that I nearly died."
Nina and Audrey hummed their agreement, easily recalling that desperate, almost-out-of-control feeling that was part and parcel of growing up.
Gwen closed her eyes. "After I was raped," she paused, slightly startled to realize she'd never said those words out loud before. "After, I felt so bad about myself. I hated myself. I hated my weakness. I hated my poor judgment; after all, if I hadn't been drinking that night it might not have happened." She wiped at her eyes. "I hated my parents for not being there to support me, even though it was my choice not to tell them. And for years, even though I loved him madly, I couldn't help but resent the fact that Malcolm sat downstairs and played poker while some stranger ruined me."
"I wish I'd been there to do something, Gwen," Jacie suddenly seethed, thinking of the stranger who had shattered Gwen's life so completely and started a chain of events that would reach far farther than his intended victim. "I'm so sorry that I wasn't."
"I've wished a million times that I would have gone looking for you sooner," Katherine murmured unexpectedly, with Nina and Audrey chiming in their agreement. "Things should have been different for you."
Gwen sat stunned, her friends' kindness after all she'd done making her feel both small and hopeful. The sentiment touched her in an unexpectedly deep place, but it only served to throw her more off balance. One of these very nice women had been torturing her for months and was threatening to shatter her life. "Thank you," she finally muttered. Then she fixed her gaze on Audrey again. "Audrey?"
Audrey's head snapped up and anguished brown eyes greeted Gwen. "Wh-What?"
"I felt so terrible about myself that I would have done anything to fit in with the people who were now my family. I was so wrong to hurt you. I shouldn't have dismissed you like you didn't matter. You did matter. You were beautiful and good then and you are now, and I'm so sorry that I didn't have the courage to stick up for you and be proud to call you my friend."
Audrey sucked in a quick breath and reached for a Kleenex from a holder on one of the end tables. Instead of using it herself, she leaned forward and wiped the tears off Gwen's cheeks.
The simple action nearly undid Gwen and so Audrey enveloped her in a firm hug, catching Katherine's smile of approval from the corner of her eye. It took a few minutes for Gwen to pull herself together, and when she did, she squeezed Audrey's hand. "Thank you," she whispered brokenly, not believing that things were going so well. She sniffed again and turned her eyes to Jacie and Nina.
Gwen's heart lurched. "Nina," she started, blinking rapidly, "and Jacie. How can I even begin to apologize to you for what I did to you? I-I don't know what to say except that I do know that some things in life are unforgivable. And what I did to you both is one of those things."
Nina looked Gwen square in the eye. "That's not true," she said softly.
Gwen's eyes lit up.
"I think that I can forgive you for what you did to me, Gwen." Nina's voice dropped an octave. "But I'll never forgive you for what you did to Jacie. Never."
"Nina." Jacie brows drew together. "You don't have to… I mean, I can take care of myself."
"This is not about that. This is about how one of us, one of us," she made a sweeping gesture that encompassed the group, "a person who I trusted as much as my own family, stabbed us in the back," Nina insisted, her emotions bubbling up to the surface in a way she hadn't expected. "And then when Gwen was done outing you to your parents, she twisted the knife by making sure you thought our relationship meant nothing to me. After you left," she turned back to Gwen, letting her see the pain she'd lived with for so long, "I didn't know what to do with myself, my life. I wanted to die."
Gwen flinched as though she'd been slapped.
Nina was on a roll and she didn't feel like stopping. She pointed an angry finger at Gwen. "You didn't need to be so cruel. We weren't hurting a soul. What you did was petty and hateful!"
Gwen's gaze dropped to her hands, which were shaking like leaves. "You're right, Nina. Every bit of that is true. I was all those things and more."
Nina didn't expect Gwen to be so blunt or truthful and she was a little taken aback. Even when they were all the best of friends, Gwen had had a self-serving streak a mile wide, frequently shifting blame to avoid discomfort or conflict. As Nina regarded her old friend, she saw a measure of sincerity that had been all too rare for Gwen as a young woman. Maybe just growing up had been what Gwen needed all along.
"Why'd you do it?" Jacie asked quietly. "After everything we'd been through. Surely the thought of my being gay couldn't have been so disturbing that you were willing to throw away all our friendships over it. I know you and I were never as close as you were with Audrey or Nina." She struggled for the right words. "But that fall we…. I mean…"
"That autumn, you more than anyone else kept me from falling apart at the seams," Gwen acknowledged easily, knowing it for the truth.
"So why then?" Jacie repeated.
Jacie's voice held all the bewilderment of a child and it made Gwen's heart hurt. "It's not so complicated, Jacie," she said, hating the sinking feeling that there were some things she would never be able to make up for, no matter how hard she tried. "Getting married to Malcolm so young was such a mistake." Her forehead wrinkled deeply as she considered what she wanted to say. "No, it wasn't exactly a mistake. I just wasn't ready. He tried to be a good husband, but he still spent most of his time on school and sports. I wasn't close to being an adult or even my own person yet. I had no idea how to fill my time if it wasn't with you all. When I found out that you were gay, Jacie, all I could think about was how you were ruining everything. And how you were making a huge mistake."
Jacie's back straightened. "What?"
Gwen shook her head at her younger self. "I was planning on working my way back into all your lives, but the only way I could see that happening was if you all existed in this perfect little box I'd placed you in. I didn't think that the Langtrees would accept anything less, and my own prejudices made it all the easier to believe that I was absolutely right.
"You were so pretty and smart that I reasoned you could have had any boy you wanted. I thought you were choosing to be different because you were stubborn and you'd confused your friendship with Nina for something more. I thought you were choosing to separate yourself from us. Not only did your being a lesbian ruin my plans, but I just knew that you'd end up as miserable and as alone as I was, once you'd realized what you'd done."
Tears streaked Gwen's cheeks and her red-rimmed eyes made her look every day of her age. "I thought I was saving you from a terrible mistake. And I was positive that I was saving myself."
Nobody knew what to say in the face of someone who'd been so entirely deluded. The room went quiet as everyone's thoughts turned inward and it was during that painfully awkward silence that Frances strolled back into the room carrying some maps of local attractions. "Well now, girls," she began in a cheerful, robust voice. "Would anyone like–Uhhh…." Her eyes shaped twin moons when she took in the room's somber faces. And Gwen, who had been the picture of quiet elegance just the day before, looked like a train wreck. "Never mind," she squeaked and shuffled out of the room so quickly that she nearly ran head long into the doorframe.
Everyone's gaze followed the older woman out of the room and several nervous smiles appeared until finally Gwen let out a soft snort, which opened the floodgates to everyone's quiet laughter.
"Does that poor woman have more white hair than when we arrived?" Nina chuckled, slipping her hand into Jacie's and feeling strong fingers twine with hers.
"Definitely," Gwen sighed, wishing her painkillers would hurry up and start working. Her head was still throbbing. "I'm going to have to pay her double. She's walked in on a half dozen awkward scenes since yesterday morning. She's earned it."
When the chuckles and murmurs of agreement died down, silence rushed back into the room, filling every crevice. This time, however, Gwen didn't let the silence linger. "So, as I was saying…"
What else can I say?
"I was a huge, enormous, gigantic asshole, and I'm desperately sorry, more than you'll ever know."
Audrey smiled gently at her. "You never did do anything halfway, Gwen."
Nina exhaled deeply, unable to hold on to most of her anger in the face of Gwen's startling remorse. "You might even say you were an overachiever."
Jacie bit her bottom lip in a bid not to laugh even though it what Nina said was more true than funny.
"Go ahead," Gwen groaned, rolling her eyes. "Laugh all you want." She wiped her cheeks. "I deserve it."
Her friends took her up on her offer, anxious to relieve the tension that was making them all uneasy.
Gwen leaned forward and laid one hand on Jacie's thigh, then the other on Nina's, feeling the warmth of their skin through their jeans and catching the delicate hint of spice in Nina's perfume. "I know you can't forgive me. But please at least accept my apology and know that I never meant to hurt you. What I did was out of fear and ignorance, never hate."
Everyone looked to Jacie. She had long been the unofficial leader of their group and it seemed that some things would never change.
Jacie laid a hand on Gwen's to take some of the sting from her deadly serious words. "Had this weekend not turned out as well as it has, I think I'd take this opportunity to tell you where you could stick your apology."
"But?" Gwen prompted, crossing her fingers.
"But I got the girl." She turned her head and grinned at Nina, her smile broadening when Nina's cheeks turned the most delicious shade of pink. "Not to rain on your big apology scene, Gwen," she blinked at the taller woman's sudden frown, "but I got over most of my bad feelings about you years and years ago. It wasn't that I forgave you, I just got over feeling shitty about something that mostly wasn't my fault."
She was a little self-conscious about this next part, but it needed saying. "No matter what Gwen did, I shouldn't have just taken off. You all deserved better. It was losing you all, and most especially my best friend, that I was never able to get over." Nina wrapped a comforting arm around her and she smiled in pure reflex. "Now that Nina and I, actually all of us, have a second chance, I'm having trouble feeling anything but wonderful."
Audrey and Katherine elbowed each other, pleased beyond measure at the way things were turning out. They couldn't wait to get back to their room tonight and gossip in private about Jacie and Nina, each cousin now insisting that they knew Jacie and Nina had a "thing" for each other all along.
"I'm not sure that I can completely trust you, Gwen," Jacie said honestly, knowing that Gwen hadn't needed to pry into their lives and finances for a simple reunion this weekend. Something was still up and she was going to find out what.
"I wouldn't expect you to, Jacie." Gwen felt a rush of hope.
Jacie nodded, glad that Gwen's hopes weren't unrealistic. Surprisingly, she had no urge to rub her nose in everything she'd lost. "It's going to take more than a weekend and a party to mend the damage you've done. And I can't forgive you for what you did to Nina. So the best you can expect on that front is for you to make peace with her."
"Understood." Gwen's gaze flicked to Nina and their eyes met. She read encouragement and affection in Nina's expression, and she silently applauded her friend's tender heart, wondering what life would have been like if she, herself, had had one of those from the very start.
Nina mouthed a silent, but sincere, "I'll try," and Gwen was lightheaded with relief. "Thank you," she said unevenly, doing her best not to burst into tears again.
Jacie closed her eyes. "So… I'm willing to let the past stay where it belongs and think about the things we can actually do something about."
"Like the future," Nina agreed.
Jacie opened her eyes, and her face relaxed into a beaming smile. "Yeah." Surreptitiously, she looked at her watch again, well aware that it was becoming a habit. Surely it had to be time to kiss Nina again.
Gwen sat there on the coffee table, not sure what should come next. She felt lighter than she had in years and was committed to whatever work it would take to repair their damaged friendships. What she couldn't understand was why no one was talking. This was the time that her blackmailer was supposed to come to the crystalline realization that she wasn't Satan incarnate and she didn't deserve to have her life ruined.