Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy (42 page)

“I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo…in morse code.”

—Emo Phillips

Worldwide, 56 near misses between planes and UFOs have been reported. (No accidents…so far.)

I CAN EXPLAIN!

Sometimes people come up with ingenious excuses for the crazy things they do. And then there are these people
.

A
ccused:
Marco Fella of Callington, Cornwall, England
Busted:
Fella was arrested in November 2008 after he bit his girlfriend’s finger and hit her in the head with a dog toy.

I Can Explain!
Fella said the attack came about because he hadn’t had enough Mars candy bars. He claims he’s a sugar addict and normally eats about 10 candy bars per day. He also told police that the attack happened after he asked his girlfriend to put on a thong, and she put on “large pants” instead. Fella was ordered to attend an anger management course.

Accused:
Jessica Vasquez, 19, of Indianapolis, Indiana
Busted:
Vasquez was arrested in May 2008 in a road-rage case, during which she passed a car being driven by 81-year-old Evelyn Page, slammed on her brakes, and stopped. Then she ran back to Page’s car, punched her in the face, pulled her from her car, and threw her to the ground, fracturing the elderly woman’s legs in 14 places.

I Can Explain!
Vasquez said it was self-defense. Page, she told police, had first endangered her by driving too slowly, forcing Vasquez to drive past her and slam on her brakes. And why did she assault her? Because, according to Vasquez, the 81-year-old threatened to “beat her up.” Vasquez pleaded guilty to aggravated battery and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. “I felt sorry for her,” Page said. “She’s not a lady.”

Accused:
Lorena Alvarez of Lake Worth, Florida
Busted:
One evening in April 2009, Alvarez was driving around Lake Worth looking for her boyfriend, who had not come home after work. She spotted him sitting in his pickup truck in the parking lot of a convenience store, drove into the lot—and smashed her car into his truck. Then she backed up and did it again. She rammed the pickup several more times before police finally arrived.

Average amount spent by Americans on clothes each year: $1,881. On books: $118
.

I Can Explain!
Alvarez told police that she was only trying to protect other motorists because her boyfriend was about to drive drunk. The police didn’t believe her, and she was arrested on charges of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon and two counts of child endangerment—because her two sons, aged one and seven, were in her car at the time.

Accused:
James Yates, 47, of Columbus, Ohio
Busted:
Yates was arrested in February 2006 at England’s Manchester Airport for public drunkenness. What’s worse, he was a pilot, and was headed to his scheduled American Airlines flight to Chicago with 181 passengers onboard. Yates’s blood alcohol level was almost eight times over the maximum allowed for pilots. He was charged with “carrying out an activity ancillary to an aviation function while over the drink limit.”

I Can Explain!
Yates admitted in court that he had done some drinking the night before the incident and was still drunk in the morning only because he’d unknowingly consumed a third of a bottle of whiskey…in his sleep. He said that he often did strange things while sleeping, and he was headed to the plane not to fly it, but to tell the flight captain that he was too drunk to fly. His excused worked for the jury, however—they acquitted him. He was suspended from his job, but American Airlines said that they might hire him back. (No word on whether they did.)

Accused:
Peter Ivan Dunne

Busted:
Dunne was awaiting trial for sex offenses in Ireland in 2003 when he fled the country. He was convicted
in absentia
but was arrested several years later in England. In July 2009, he went before the High Court in London to explain his actions and try to persuade them not to extradite him to Ireland.
I Can Explain!
Dunne said that he had fled Ireland only because he was afraid that he’d have to eat onions in prison. He’s allergic to them—especially the red variety, he told the judges—and insisted there was a “a real risk, or near certainty” that he would die from onion poisoning if they sent him home. He also said that he had converted to Judaism, and that his past experiences in an Irish prison made him certain that not only would he be fed non-kosher meals (with onions, presumably), he would also be mocked for his religion. Sending him back, he argued, would therefore be a violation of the European Convention on Human Rights. The judges disagreed, and Dunne was sent back to Ireland, where he’s currently awaiting sentencing.

52% of Americans say they’d rather spend a week in jail than be President of the United States
.

Accused:
Alexander Kabelis, 31, of Boulder, Colorado
Busted:
Kabelis was arrested in May 2009 for slashing the tires on almost 50 cars and trucks—nine of them police and sheriff’s vehicles.

I Can Explain!
Kabelis told police that he had several reasons for slashing the tires, including being mad at his mother, losing his driver’s license years earlier, having to wear braces as a child, and being poisoned by radiation from the nearby Rocky Flats nuclear facility. Strangely, none of those excuses worked, and police charged him with criminal mischief and carrying a concealed weapon.

Accused:
Thousands of television owners in the United Kingdom
Busted:
Owning a TV requires a license in the U.K., at an annual cost of £142.50, or about $225. More than a quarter-million people are fined annually for having unlicensed TVs.
I Can Explain!
Every year, the office of TV Licensing publishes a list of the most original excuses used by people who were fined. Some of our favorites:

• “My husband has just spent £3,000 on this massive flat-screen digital TV, so we can’t possibly afford a license.”

• “My dog, not me, watches it to keep him company while I’m at work.”

• “I couldn’t make my last payment because my baby vomited on my shoulder and I didn’t want to go to the shop smelling of sick because the guy I fancy works there.”

• “I have not been making payments because a baby magpie flew in to my house and I have had to stay in to feed it.”

• “The subtitles on my TV are set to French, so I’m not paying a U.K. tax for something I can’t read.”

Ew! The U.S. Army has recently developed a dried meal that can be safely rehydrated with urine
.

RU OK, U.K.?

We’ve hit just about everybody else, so here are a few jabs at our friends in the United Kingdom
.

B
AD WELSHMEN
In October 2009, a group of six martial-arts experts donating their time to a charity took turns carrying a 31-year-old wheelchair-bound man up Mount Snowden, the highest peak in Wales. (It’s 3,560 feet high.) They were following the easiest but longest route to the peak, and about halfway up, they got tired…and left the man sitting in his wheelchair beside the path as they continued up the mountain without him. What’s worse, when they returned hours later, they told the man that they were too tired to carry him back down the mountain and left him again. They notified someone when they reached the bottom, and a team of rescuers reached the man a few hours later. “The poor bloke was sitting there in his wheelchair for quite a while,” said climber Dave Morrell, who witnessed the rescue. “He was getting very cold.” The man was treated for mild exposure and released. Ian Henderson, a member of the rescue team, called the martial artists “cheeky.”

SMILE—YOU’RE ON DUMBA** CAMERA

In January 2010, staff at an Asda clothing store in a shopping mall in Warrington, England, found a small camera in a light fixture inside one of the ladies’ changing rooms. They called police, officers checked the camera…and found two very clear pictures of the man who had put it there: He’d inadvertently taken two shots of himself while he was setting up the camera. Police released the images to the public, and a few days later, a 44-year-old man (unnamed in press reports) was arrested on voyeurism charges.

BRAKE-ING UP IS HARD TO DO

In June 2009, Haylie Hocking of the city of Bristol went online to find a male stripper for her “hen’s night,” or bachelorette party. She and a friend were looking at a stripper Web site when she spotted one man who looked familiar: It was Jason Brake—her fiancé. It turned out that Brake was not only living a secret life as a stripper, but he’d also appeared in several adult films. Hocking, who had already chosen her bridesmaids, booked a horse-drawn carriage, and bought a $1,200 dress, immediately called off the wedding. “I am sorry and did not want to hurt her,” said Brake. “I still love Haylie and would have stopped doing porn if she had asked me to.” He also said that in the future he’d be telling prospective mates up front about his career.

Mom’s nagging pays off! Psychologists say that sitting up straight can boost your self-esteem
.

YOU’RE DEAD TO ME!

A few days before Valentine’s Day in 2009, 24-year-old Benjamin Barton, a student at Southampton General Hospital, told a hospital guard there that he needed to get into the morgue because he’d left some work there. The guard told him he’d have to come back the next day, so Barton went to a store, bought an axe, and returned that night to smash his way into the morgue. For the next 90 minutes, he went through confidential computer records…and several of the corpse drawers as well. What was he looking for? A fellow student named Amy Ogden—whom he had a terrible crush on (unrequited; Ogden had a boyfriend). Barton hadn’t seen Ogden at the school for days and, for reasons known only to himself, became convinced that she was dead. She wasn’t: She was visiting her family in another city. Police were able to track down the lovesick Barton through information he left with the guard, and he later pleaded guilty to criminal damage and was fined £1,000 ($1,600 US).

ROGER THAT

Annette Edwards of Worcester, England, is a world-renowned rabbit breeder, best known for owning the world’s largest rabbit—a 49-pounder named Alice. But Edwards has another interesting hobby: Over the last few years, the 56-year-old woman has spent nearly $15,000 on plastic surgery procedures to make herself look like Jessica Rabbit, the voluptuous co-star of
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
“My love of rabbits made me decide to go for the operations and make the big change,” she said. “I’ve had a breast uplift, a brow lift, chin implants, and botox injections.” She also likes to pose for the cameras in a shiny, tight, red dress slit up to her hips and a pair of long, purple gloves—just like the costume worn by Jessica Rabbit in the film. The U.K.’s
Mail Online
noted that the look “is bound to be a hit among members of the other sex.”

In Louisiana, it is illegal to shoot a teller with a water pistol while committing a bank robbery
.

MARRYIN’ COUSINS