Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy (45 page)

In September 2009, Dutch police officers raided a farm near Wageningen University in the Netherlands and destroyed an entire crop of what they called “some 47,000 illicit cannabis plants” with a street value of $6.45 million. However, according to university officials who cried foul, the plants were
not
psychotropic marijuana—which is illegal to grow—but hemp-fiber plants—which are perfectly legal to grow, and for which they had a permit. The plants had been part of a multiyear study to test hemp as a sustainable source of fiber. The project has been postponed while the school attempts to recoup the costs from the police department. “The street value from a drug point of view,” said a disappointed university official, “is less than zero.”

In 2001 Kyle Connor was called for and dismissed from jury duty for the second time. (He’s only 8.)

TAKE A BITE OUT OF A CRIMEFIGHTER

Two employees of the Police Officer Standards and Training Council in Meriden, Connecticut, had, according to reports, a “spirited” relationship—analyst Rochelle Wyler and training coordinator Francis “Woody” Woodruff, a former police chief, regularly taunted and insulted each other. One day in April 2009, Woodruff jokingly referred to Wyler as a “clerk.” She responded, “Whatever, Woody. Bite me.” So Woodruff grabbed her left arm and bit her, leaving tooth marks and a bruise. Woodruff claimed he was just “horsing around,” but Wyler reported the incident, and Woodruff was arrested and charged with assault.

SNOWBALLISTICS

One snowy afternoon in December 2009, about 200 office workers took part in a snowball fight on 14th Street in Washington, D.C. Everyone was having a good time…until someone threw a snowball at a Hummer SUV driving down the road. The Hummer slid to a halt; a large, imposing man got out. “Who threw that damn snowball?” he shouted. When no one answered, the man pulled out a pistol, sending people running for cover. A few tense moments later, a uniformed police officer arrived and ordered the man to drop his weapon. That’s when the gunman identified himself as Detective Mike Baylor. With the danger passed, the crowd started chanting: “You don’t bring a gun to a snowball fight.” At first, the D.C. police department denied that the detective, a 28-year veteran, pulled out his gun. But the incident was caught on several cell phone cameras and soon made the rounds on YouTube…and then the local news. D.C. police chief Cathy Lanier called Baylor’s actions “totally inappropriate.” He was placed on desk duty.

You’re more predictable than you think: 85% of Americans veer to the right when entering a store
.

THE MOOLATTE

And other questionable, perhaps racist, marketing decisions
.

D
ELICIOUSLY OFFENSIVE
In 2004 Dairy Queen wanted a share of the hundreds of millions of dollars Starbucks was making with its blended, frozen Frappuccino coffee drinks. So Dairy Queen came out with its own version: coffee mixed with chocolate, ice cream, and milk. To market the drink’s combination of milk and coffee, they called it the MooLatte. An outcry went up almost immediately: The name of the product, which combined a brown thing with a white thing, was far too similar to an outdated, offensive word for a person of mixed black and white heritage:
mulatto
. Dairy Queen denied that there’s any connection, and the MooLatte is still on the menu.

OFFBEAT

The German company TrekStor had some success with their MP3 player, the i.Beat. But in 2007, they released a new version of the device with a smooth black finish and an unfortunate name: the “i.Beat Blaxx.” After a firestorm of criticism, the company renamed it “TrekStor Blaxx.”

TASTELESS COOKIE

In 1996 Mattel contracted with Nabisco to make an Oreo-cookie-themed Barbie doll. The toy came dressed in blue-and-white clothing printed with little pictures of Oreos. At first, Mattel received a few complaints that the toy promoted junk food, but the protest letters flooded in after they released an African-American version of the doll. Mattel apparently wasn’t aware that “oreo” was a racial epithet leveled by black people at other black people who were accused of acting “too white”—like an Oreo cookie, black on the outside, but white on the inside. Mattel quickly took the toy off the market, and today African-American Oreo Barbies are a collector’s item.

Americans watch more than 250 billion hours of TV a year—more than 28 million years’ worth
.

LOONEY WORD ORIGINS

More histories behind some of the euphemisms we use to describe those who are wired differently. (Part I is on
page 40
.)

B
ONKERS
The original meaning, from the early 20th century, was “slightly drunk.” It was most likely coined by British sailors, who used the term “bonk” to describe a blow to the head. Following that logic, a drunk person would act as if he’d been hit on the head—“bonkers.” It wasn’t until the end of World War II, however, that the word took on its “crazy” connotation.

WACKY

Related to “bonkers,” “wacky” comes from “whacky,” late 1800s British slang for “crazy”—also from the notion of being whacked on the head a few too many times. Today, “bonkers,” “wacky,” and “wacko” refer to one who appears “humorously crazy,” and unlike most “crazy” words, are often terms of endearment.

SCREWBALL

This term predates baseball, first appearing in the game of cricket for a “ball bowled with ‘screw’ or spin.” By the 1920s, “screwball” was being used to describe a baseball pitch that breaks from left to right when thrown by a right-handed pitcher, the opposite of the more conventional “slider.” The term entered the American lexicon as slang meaning “an eccentric person” in 1933 and went on to define a genre of films—“screwball comedies”—during the ’30s and ’40s. The word later morphed into the phrases “a few loose screws” and “his head’s not screwed on tight,” culminating in the modern term, “screwy.”

LOON

It’s not short for “lunatic,” nor does it come from the bird known for its eerie, haunting calls. The “crazy” definition of loon actually comes from the Dutch word
loen
, which referred to a stupid person. In fact, Shakespeare’s reference to a “whey-faced loon” in
Macbeth
predates the name of the bird in the English language. People who act out in an outrageous manner or who believe wild conspiracy theories are most often called “loons” or “loony.”

Lawsuits filed by California inmates cost the state’s taxpayers more than $33 million per year
.

CUCKOO

As a name for a bird (based on the sound of its “coo-coo” call), this word dates back to A.D. 1240. By the 16th century, it was being used to refer to a stupid person, perhaps because the bird’s song is so simple and repetitive. The slang sense of cuckoo as “crazy” didn’t show up until later, after the invention of cuckoo clocks; one possibility was that listening to a cuckoo clock’s chime could drive you insane. By the 1950s, “cuckoo” in its “crazy” sense had been shortened to “kook” and “kooky.”

MAD

This may be the earliest English word used to describe insanity. First appearing sometime between A.D. 1000 and 1300, it comes from the Old English
gemædde
, “beside oneself with excitement.” Much later, “mad” was also used to mean “beside oneself with anger.” The “crazy” connotation spawned a few other phrases:

•
Madcap
. The “cap” in this word is an obsolete term meaning “head.” So a madcap was a “crazy head.” When it originated in the 16th century, it was a serious reference to a maniac, but today it’s usually used in phrases like a “zany, madcap adventure.”

•
Mad as a hatter:
In the 19th century, the process that hatmakers used to turn beaver or rabbit fur into felt hats involved toxic mercury nitrate. Years of breathing these fumes poisoned many hatmakers—leaving them with slurred speech, twitching, and other erratic behaviors. Although hatmaking is now safe, the phrase remains popular thanks to the Mad Hatter in Lewis Carroll’s 1865
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
.

•
Mad as a March hare:
In England, certain hares only mate in March, and males of the species leap about wildly to attract a female’s attention. The phrase dates back to the 1520s, and also made its way into
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
.

•
M.A.D. (Mutual Assured Destruction):
In the 1960s, the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. each had enough nuclear weapons to easily obliterate each other. And each had sworn to retaliate if attacked. So
more
weapons meant
less
of chance of nuclear war. This mad paradox got the world (somewhat) safely through the Cold War.

Who’s mad now? In 1952
Time
magazine dismissed
Mad
magazine as “short-lived, satirical pulp.”

“THAT’S AWFUL!”
AWARDS

Because we believe that some people deserve to be publicly recognized for their especially bad behavior
.

W
inner:
Owners and staff at a day-care center in Maywood, Illinois
Background:
Police were called to the day care after receiving a tip about illegal activities going on there.

That’s Awful!
The day care had been doubling as a dogfighting facility. When police raided the home, they found 10 kids being cared for, as well as nine badly injured and malnourished dogs, splattered blood, syringes, and equipment used to train fighting dogs. Four people were arrested on felony dogfighting charges. The wife of one of the arrested men ran the day care, and was reportedly not involved in the dogfighting.

Winner:
37-year-old Jackie Denise Knott of Albertville, Alabama
Background:
In October 2009, someone called the police on Knott, who was driving her minivan down the road with a large cardboard box on the roof.

That’s Awful!
Knott’s 13-year-old daughter was inside the box. Knott told police that the box was too big to fit in the van, and that her daughter was inside it to make sure it didn’t blow away. She said it was safe—because she had secured the box to the car with a coat hanger. Police arrested Knott on child-endangerment charges. Her daughter came to her defense, saying it was her own idea to get in the box, and that her mother was “an awesome mom.”

Winner:
A 19-year-old man in Philadelphia
Background:
A woman in a Philadelphia suburb looked out her window in September 2009 and saw a cat that someone had left in her yard.