Read Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader Online
Authors: Michael Brunsfeld
• The emerging dominance of the U.S. automobile industry in the early 20th century pushed more and more countries into adopting right-side drive. Canada, which had previously gone both ways (French-speaking provinces were righties; English, lefties) finally succumbed to the economic pressure from its southern neighbor. Newfoundland was the last province to go right, in 1947.
• When the Nazis invaded Austria, Czechoslovakia, and Hungary during World War II, Hitler forced them to change overnight to right-side drive. The change created havoc because drivers couldn’t see traffic signs.
• Sweden was the most recent European country to switch from left to right. It made the move in 1967. Only four European countries still drive on the left—the United Kingdom, Ireland, Malta, and Cyprus.
• As of 2005, 168 countries drive on the right, 75 on the left. That comes to four billion people on the right, two billion on the left.
Ernest Hemingway read his own obituary in papers after his plane crashed in 1954.
As playwright George Bernard Shaw said, “England and America are two countries separated by a common language.” See if you can match the British words to their American counterparts. (Answers on
page 519
.)
BRITISH
1) Trainers
2) Boot
3) Plaster
4) Wireless
5) Courgette
6) Rubber
7) Estate car
8) Bonnet
9) Nappy
10) Crisps
11) Jumper
12) Pinny
13) Cozzy
14) Gum
15) Pram
16) Rasher
17) Starkers
18) Surgery
19) Chemist
20) Solicitor
21) Waistcoat
22) Off-license
23) Sleeping policeman
AMERICAN
a) Potato chips
b) Zucchini
c) Naked
d) Car hood
e) Sweater
f) Apron
g) Lawyer
h) Car trunk
i) Speed bump
j) Bandage
k) Vest
l) Swimsuit
m) Liquor store
n) Bacon slice
o) Doctor’s office
p) Pharmacist
q) Eraser
r) Radio
s) Glue
t) Diaper
u) Sneakers
v) Baby carriage
w) Station wagon
Bathrooms in British Ramada Inns are stocked with complimentary rubber duckies.
Politicians don’t get much respect these days—but then, it sounds like they don’t deserve much, either
.
“I believe what I said yesterday. I don’t know what I said, but I know what I think, and, well, I assume it’s what I said.”
—Donald Rumsfeld
“You bet we might have!”
—Sen. John Kerry, asked if he would have invaded Iraq
“I have a few flaws—people sometimes have to correct my English. I knew I had a problem when Arnold Schwarzenegger started doing it.”
—George W. Bush
“Instead of ‘closing,’ I meant ‘securing.’ I think maybe my English, I need to go back to school and study a little bit.”
—Arnold Schwarzenegger, on saying the U.S. should close its borders
“If I could only go through the ducts and leap out onstage in a cape—that’s my dream.”
—Ralph Nader, on missing the presidential debates
“As I was telling my hus—as I was telling President Bush…”
—Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice
“Get some devastation in the background.”
—Sen. Bill Frist
,
posing for a photo in tsunami-ravaged Sri Lanka
“I’m undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.”
—Hillary Clinton
“‘Ever’ is a very strong word.”
—Rep. Tom DeLay, asked if he had ever crossed the line of ethical behavior
“It’s been a great ride, but I know how quickly these fads can pass. You all remember the pet rock, the mood ring, Howard Dean.”
—Sen. Barack Obama, after being elected
“I wish we lived in the day where you could challenge a person to a duel.”
—Sen. Zell Miller
“My vision is to make this the most diverse state on Earth, and we have people from every planet on Earth in this state.”
—California Governor Gray Davis
General appearance: The social status of a Roman was indicated by the stripes on his toga.
We can’t duck this issue—so we’ll have to grin and bear it. We’re dog tired, so we’re going to take a cat nap. (We’re not lion.)
N
OT ALL DUCKS QUACK ALIKE
Study:
British researcher Victoria de Rijke wondered whether all ducks quacked exactly the same way or if their “speech” varied from location to location. So she started studying one group in downtown London and another living in the countryside near Cornwall in southwest England.
Findings:
“There are definite differences,” de Rijke says. “The London ducks are noisier, laughing raucously; the Cornish ones are soft and chilled out.” She speculates that London ducks quack louder because they have to fight to be heard over the noise of the city.
DOGS CAN DETECT CANCER
Study:
Anecdotal evidence of cancer-sniffing canines dates back centuries, but scientists didn’t get serious about testing the phenomenon until recently. In 2004 the British medical journal
BMI
published the results of a study in which dogs were tested on their ability to detect bladder cancer by sniffing urine samples. Six dogs were trained to lie down next to a sample from a person with bladder cancer. Then each dog was presented with seven different urine samples: six from healthy people and a seventh from a person with bladder cancer. The study was a “double blind” experiment, meaning neither the dogs nor the people administering the study knew which urine samples were which.
Findings:
If the dogs had no ability to detect bladder cancer, the odds that they would pick the correct sample would only be one in seven, or just over 14 percent. The dogs were able to pick out the cancerous sample 40 percent of the time, and two of the dogs were correct 60 percent of the time. “The results are unambiguous,”
BMI
reported. “Dogs can be trained to recognize and flag bladder cancer.”
Note:
The CBS TV show
60 Minutes
asked the researchers to recreate the study on camera. This time the dogs did poorly—they kept identifying a particular non-cancerous urine sample as being cancerous. “But,” says Andy Cook, their trainer, “the hospital had confidence in our dogs, so they sent the sample off for further tests. And they were completely blown away when it came back that this patient not only had cancer on his kidney but also had bladder cancer.”
Don’t forget to brush: A Chinese toothpaste called S.O.D. promises to “brush away senility.”
BEARS PREFER HONDAS
Study:
In the mid-1990s, Yosemite National Park spent more than $1 million on “bear safes”—bear-proof food lockers for the park’s campsites. The idea was to teach bears that the food in the campgrounds was beyond reach. Instead, campers got the idea that if food was safe in a metal locker, it would be safe in their metal cars, too. Wrong. Cars are much flimsier—bears can easily smash the windows and even peel car doors right out of their frames. After the lockers went in, the number of car “cloutings” went up 600%.
Finding:
Park rangers kept statistics on the cars that are broken into, and the bears seem to show a particular preference for certain brands, namely Hondas and Toyotas. In a two-month study of “bear incidents,” they broke into 26 Hondas and 21 Toyotas, but only two Buicks and one Lexus. What is it about these cars that makes the bears prefer them over others? No one knows for sure.
ELEPHANTS DO IMPRESSIONS
Study:
Mlaika is a 10-year-old female African elephant who lives in a stockade in Tsavo, Kenya; Calimero is a 23-year-old male African elephant who lives with two Asian elephants at the Basel Zoo in Switzerland. When both animals were observed making unusual sounds—Mlaika “rumbled” and Calimero “chirped”—an international team of scientists started studying them to try to understand what was happening.
Findings:
After carefully studying the acoustics of the sounds of the elephants and their surrounding environments, the scientists concluded that both animals were mimicking sounds they heard around them: Mlaika was imitating the sound of trucks passing by on a highway about two miles away, and Calimero was copying the sounds made by the Asian elephants he lived with. Until now, African elephants have never been known to make the chirping sounds of Asian elephants. In fact, Mlaika and Calimero are the first non-primate land mammals ever to exhibit an ability to mimic.
Howdy, cousin: A dolphin’s closest relatives on land are horses and cows.
DOLPHINS ARE SOCIAL BUTTERFLIES
Study:
Researchers from the University of Aberdeen (Scotland) and the University of Michigan traveled to New Zealand to study the social behavior of dolphins.
Findings:
It has long been known that dolphins live in “pods,” clans of about a dozen dolphins each. They exhibit sophisticated social interactions, such as playing together, hunting in groups, and coming to the aid of other dolphins who are injured or in danger. But the New Zealand researchers observed a type of behavior never noted before: some dolphins act as “liaisons” between different pods. When these liaisons were present, the pod socialized regularly with other pods nearby. But when those dolphins went away, the pods stopped socializing with each other until the liaison dolphins returned, at which time they started socializing again.
DO LOBSTERS FEEL PAIN?
Study:
It’s a question that many a seafood lover has asked as a live lobster is being dropped into a pot of boiling water. To answer it, the Norwegian government commissioned a scientific study headed by Dr. Wenche Farstad of the University of Oslo. The country was in the process of revising its animal welfare laws and wanted to find out if lobsters should be protected. The team didn’t spend a lot of time boiling lobsters—instead, they researched all available scientific literature on invertebrates, including crabs, worms, slugs, snails, clams (and lobsters); then in 2005, the team presented its findings.
Findings:
It’s very unlikely that lobsters feel any pain when they’re being cooked—their brains are too small to read the information as pain. The same goes for worms that are used as fish bait. “The common earthworm has a very simple nervous system,” Farstad says. “It seems to be only reflex curling when put on the hook. They might sense something, but it is not painful and does not compromise their well-being.”
Will this study change any minds about lobster boiling? Animal rights groups like People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) point out that Norway has a large fishing industry and isn’t exactly unbiased when it comes to studying lobsters. “This is exactly like the tobacco industry claiming that smoking doesn’t cause cancer,” says PETA spokeswoman Karin Robertson.
The scent of a human footprint is so strong that even humans can follow it.
It might be great to have an identical twin—you could switch places in school, on dates, on the job, etc. But as these sets of twins demonstrate, it’s not always twice as nice
.
T
WINS:
Brian and Ryan Clausen of Greenville, Texas
BACKGROUND:
At only two months of age in 1983, Brian and Ryan were more alike even than most identical twins: they were not only the same height and weight, but both also had the same birthmark on their foreheads and a smaller middle toe on their right feet. So how did their parents, Butch and Gwyen Clausen, tell them apart? By labeling their clothing and being very, very careful.
DOUBLE TROUBLE:
That system worked great…for a while. But one day in December, Butch got their clothes mixed up and Gwyen’s sister changed the babies’ diapers before Butch could straighten them out. Then Gwyen changed the babies’ diapers a second time; that’s when things really got confusing. Was the kid wearing Ryan’s clothes Ryan or Brian? Was “Brian” Brian or Ryan?
WHAT HAPPENED:
Some people probably would have just started over, picking one of the kids to be Brian and one to be Ryan; Butch and Gwyen hired a private detective. He took the case to the district attorney’s office, and after poring over dozens of sets of maternity ward footprints, they got a match: the baby wearing Ryan’s shirt was Ryan, and the other baby was Brian.
TWINS:
John and Glen Winslow, 38
BACKGROUND:
If you were an identical twin
and
had a warrant out for your arrest, what would you do if you got pulled over for speeding? When John Winslow was pulled over in Council Bluffs, Iowa, in July 2004, he didn’t have his license with him, and he knew he had a misdemeanor warrant for damaging someone’s property. So rather than admit who he was, he identified himself as
Glen
Winslow.