Read Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader Online
Authors: Michael Brunsfeld
CONTROL-ALT-DELETE
David Bradley was on the team that developed IBM’s first personal computer, or PC, in 1981. Given the assignment of coming up with a way to restart the computer (simply turning it off and turning it back on damaged the hardware), he came up with what he called “the three-finger salute”: the computer would restart if the “control,” “alt,” and “delete” buttons were all pressed simultaneously. Why those three buttons? Bradley figured it was nearly impossible to press that combination of keys by accident.
* * *
Afghani proverb:
“The right answer to a fool is silence.”
Lake Mashu, Japan, has the world’s clearest water. It’s transparent to a depth of 136 feet.
We’re proud to present an example of the important role the bathroom has played in the most pivotal moments of human evolution
.
O
N THE GO
In prehistoric times, all humans were nomadic hunter-gatherers. That meant they never stayed in one place for very long. And when they had eaten all the food available in one place, they moved to a new place where they could find more food. This went on for hundreds of thousands of years.
But very recently—about 11,000 years ago—something happened in the area known as the Fertile Crescent, today called the Middle East. The nomads stopped moving. Instead, they found a way to replenish the land after they used up its resources: they learned how to cultivate wild plants, including wheat, peas, and olives.
Exactly how our ancestors discovered farming is one of the great mysteries of archaeology. One of the most compelling theories (from the BRI’s perspective) comes from Pulitzer Prize–winning biologist Jared Diamond, who theorizes that the agricultural revolution began in the bathroom. And it makes sense when you consider the life cycle of a plant.
THE BIRDS, THE BEES, AND THE BATHROOM
In order to successfully reproduce, a plant must be able to spread its seeds. Ever found burrs on your socks (or on your dog) after walking through a field? That’s a plant using you to disperse its seeds. Or those fuzzy white things floating in the wind? Another method of seed dispersal.
But those two methods are hit or miss—there’s no telling where those seeds will end up.
One of the best ways that nature has devised to sow wild seeds is to grow them inside an edible fruit. That way when birds and other animals (including humans) eat the fruit in one place, they digest everything except the seeds, and then…deposit the seeds somewhere else. It’s a great system—the seeds are even “planted” inside a nice batch of fresh fertilizer.
Hold on tight! The Tonga Islands in the South Pacific move nearly ¾ of an inch per year.
SETTLING DOWN
Back to 11,000 years ago in the Fertile Crescent.
When our ancient ancestors moved into a new area, they gathered and ate the best examples of their favorite food crops and then moved on. When their descendants (or other groups) came back year after year, generation after generation, they found the descendants of those choice plants growing in and around their old camp sites—particularly in the latrine areas.
In his book
Guns, Germs, and Steel
, Diamond theorizes that these sites “may have been a testing ground of the first unconscious crop breeders.” It was this discovery, Diamond says, that gave the wanderers a reason to stop wandering and start experimenting with farming. Over subsequent generations, the people who inhabited these places became aware of their power to alter the evolution of wild plants, and, with practice, learned how to plant and harvest food on their own schedule.
And that changed everything.
Farming led to a food surplus, which meant that people could stay put for a while. That led to more permanent settlements, which became the first towns and cities. That led to culture, government, music, theater, writing, and finally to the pinnacle of human innovation—
Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader
. All because of…poop.
* * *
A RIDDLE
Whoever makes it, tells it not.
Whoever takes it, knows it not.
And whoever knows it, wants it not.
What is it?
A:
Counterfeit money
Lights out: Americans spend $2 billion per year on candles.
Tired of baseball, basketball, and football? Your worries are over—we’ve found some unusual alternatives for you
.
M
AN VERSUS HORSE MARATHON
Where They Do It:
Llanwrtyd Wells, Wales (the same village that invented “bog snorkeling”).
How It’s Played:
Just like it sounds: people and horses run a cross-country race, on the theory that given enough distance over twisting, uneven terrain, a man can run as fast as a horse. The 21.7-mile race (real marathons are 26.22 miles), which has been run each June for more than 25 years, grew out of a bar bet. Who won the bet? The guy who bet on the horses…at least until 2004, when a man named Huw Lobb beat 40 horses and 500 other runners to win first prize. (His time: 2 hours, 5 minutes, 19 seconds.)
REAL ALE WOBBLE
Where They Do It:
Would you believe Llanwrtyd Wells, Wales?
How It’s Played:
It’s a grueling 35-mile mountain bike race in the rugged terrain around Llanwrtyd Wells, with three checkpoint/watering stations along the route. The only difference between this race and a regular bike race is that the checkpoints put out cups of beer for the riders instead of water. (Bikers may consume no more than 1½ quarts of beer during the race, and if you’re under 18 you need a parent’s permission to enter.) “Beer gets down to the parts that you don’t get down to with water,” says race organizer Gordon Green. “It fortifies the cyclists.”
FATHER CHRISTMAS OLYMPICS
Where They Do It:
In Gallivare, Sweden, 60 miles north of the Arctic Circle. (Not to be confused with the Santa Olympics held in—you guessed it—Llanwrtyd Wells, Wales.)
How It’s Played:
Fifty or more contestants dressed as Father Christmas come from all over Europe to compete in several different Santa-related categories, including sled riding, reindeer riding, chimney climbing, and gift wrapping (with points for speed and beauty). Contestants are also rated on generosity, jolliness, and their ability to Ho-Ho-Ho. Any Santa caught smoking or drinking in front of children is automatically disqualified.
Q: What is
mageirocophobia
? A: The fear of cooking.
HUMAN TOWER BUILDING
Where They Do It:
Barcelona, Spain, during the Festa de la Merce each September
How It’s Played:
Large groups climb one another to form human towers as tall as nine people high. Then, when they’ve stacked themselves as high as they can, a small child climbs all the way to the top to make it just a little bit taller. According to one account, “horrific collapses are common and many participants have ended up in the hospital.”
UNDERWATER HOCKEY
Where They Do It:
All over the United States
How It’s Played:
Teams of six players wearing fins, masks, snorkels, gloves, and helmets use 12-inch-long hockey sticks to push a puck across the bottom of a swimming pool. Most players can stay under water for about 20 seconds before they have to surface to breathe. The secret to winning is timing your snorkeling with your teammates so that you don’t all swim to the surface at once, leaving the playing field wide open to the opposing team. Twenty-one teams competed in the 2005 U.S. Nationals in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
CRICKET SPITTING
Where They Do It:
At the Bug Bowl festival, held every April at Purdue University in West Lafayette, Indiana
How It’s Played:
Thousands of contestants compete to see who can spit a dead, intact cricket the farthest. If the cricket loses its legs, wings, or antennae, the spit doesn’t count. The world champion is Dan Capps, a mechanic at a meat-packing factory, who spit his cricket 32 feet in 1998. “It’s just a matter of blowing hard,” he says. “Crickets aren’t very aerodynamic.”
Emperor Claudius was called to join his army by a chain of bonfires from Britain to Rome.
If you buy this
Bathroom Reader
right now for just $17.95, we’ll include this amazing Book-O-Matic—free of charge! Here’s the story of the Popeil family and their world of gadgets
.
Y
OURS FREE IF YOU ACT NOW!
Since the 1950s, the name Popeil has been synonymous with gadgets sold on television, in either breathless commercials for plastic food choppers or in 30-minute “infomercials” for spray-on hair. But Ron Popeil, the guy who sells the Showtime Rotisserie (“Set it…and…forget it”) on TV, is actually a third-generation pitchman. His great-uncle, Nat Morris, started in Asbury Park, New Jersey, in the early 20th century. Like other pitchmen, Morris would set up a table at county fairs, carnivals, or along the beach and sell inexpensive items, usually kitchen utensils, to passersby. Morris was so successful at it that by the 1920s, he’d become wealthy enough to open his own metal kitchen products factory.
In 1932 Morris’s nephew, Samuel Popeil, stepped in for a sick relative to demonstrate kitchen utensils at Macy’s in New York City and discovered that he, too, had a natural ability for selling. Like Morris, Popeil became a master of “the pitch,” honed over years of selling and performing product demonstrations at department stores, fairs, street corners, and boardwalks.
ISN’T THAT AMAZING!
Sam Popeil and his brother Raymond earned their living in the 1930s and ’40s by selling products that were made at their Popeil Brothers factory. Eliminating the middleman associated with selling other companies’ products meant more profits for the Popeil brothers. Raymond oversaw factory production and Sam came up with new gadgets, mostly graters and slicers that cost under a dollar. They gave the products names designed to evoke power and efficiency, like “Kitchen Magician” or “Slice-a-Way.” These simple items were presented so enthusiastically by the Popeils that consumers bought them by the millions.
In Japan, apple farmers use turkeys to guard their orchards against monkeys.
In the late 1940s, the Popeil brothers fully embraced the plastics revolution. They sold plastic versions of common kitchen items such as breadboxes, flour sifters, cookie presses, and storage canisters. They were pleasing to the eye, looked modern, and were inexpensive to make.
AS SEEN ON TV
But as television took hold in the 1950s it threatened the Popeils’ usual circuit of fairs, carnivals, and department store demonstrations. In 1956 the Grant Company, an early TV advertising agency based in Chicago, asked Popeil to sell the new Chop-O-Matic food chopper in a TV commercial. It would essentially be a four-minute, taped version of the Popeil’s department store pitch.
But Grant didn’t choose Sam or Raymond to appear in the ad. They picked Sam’s 21-year-old son, Ron Popeil, to be the pitchman. (He’d spent the previous five years doing demonstrations of Popeil products around the Midwest.)
Despite good sales for the Chop-O-Matic, the Popeils weren’t convinced of television’s power. They went back to in-store demonstrations and made more Chop-O-Matic-like products, which they contracted other companies to sell on TV. They wouldn’t make their own ad until 1961, for the Veg-O-Matic. On the strength of that TV ad (featuring Raymond Popeil), the product sold 11 million units.
That
convinced them.
Other Popeil Brothers items Americans couldn’t live without:
•
Automatic Egg Turner
(1948). A metal spatula that could flip an egg or a pancake perfectly
•
Toastie Pie
(1950). A toasted-sandwich maker
•
Citrex Juicer
(1951). A tiny juicer that plugs into the fruit and allows the juice to pour into a glass
•
Plastic Plant Kit
(1957). Molds liquid plastic to make plastic plants, which were very exotic at the time
•
Chop-O-Matic
spawned these slicers, dicers, peelers, and mixers:
Dial-O-Matic
(1958),
The Amazing Veg-O-Matic
(1961),
Corn-O-Matic
(1964),
Mince-O-Matic Seven
(1965),
Peel-O-Matic
(1965), and
Whip-O-Matic
(1974).
The Popeils churned out new products and commercials well into the 1970s. Their downfall: themselves. By being an early proponent of TV advertising, they actually demonstrated its lucrative potential to other companies, which drove up ad rates and commercial production costs. Meanwhile, the introduction of more sophisticated electric kitchen appliances was making their simple plastic and metal gadgets look cheap and dated. The Popeil Brothers company was sold in 1979; it was dissolved and liquidated within two years.
Before 1920, it was technically legal to send children through the mail.
But there was still Ronco.
But wait, there’s more! For the rest of the Popeil story, turn to
page 453
. Act now! Operators are standing by!