Read Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader Online

Authors: Michael Brunsfeld

Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader (32 page)

* * *

Newsflash:
This just in. Hundreds of wigs were stolen from a local factory last night. Police are combing the area.

In the 1850s, some Paris newspapers were printed on rubber (to be read in the bathtub).

Some actors are so closely associated with a specific role or TV series that it’s hard to imagine he or she wasn’t the first choice. But it happens all the time
.

T
HE BRADY BUNCH
. Gene Hackman almost got the part of Mike Brady. Producers cast Robert Reed instead—they didn’t think Hackman was well-known enough.

GILLIGAN’S ISLAND
. Among the actors almost cast: Jayne Mansfield as Ginger, Dabney Coleman as the Professor, and Raquel Welch as Mary Ann.

THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW
. Writer Carl Reiner originally sold this show about a TV comedy writer and his young wife as
Head of the Family
. Reiner’s choice for the lead role: Johnny Carson.

BEWITCHED
. When baby Tabitha got old enough to be played by a toddler, two child actresses were initially considered: Helen Hunt and Jodie Foster. (The part went to twins Diane and Erin Murphy.)

THE DUKES OF HAZZARD
. Dennis Quaid almost landed the part of Luke Duke, but it went to Tom Wopat instead.

MURDER, SHE WROTE
. The role of Jessica Fletcher was written with Jean Stapleton (Edith in
All in the Family
) in mind. She turned it down (so did Doris Day), so it went to Angela Lansbury.

THE MONKEES
. Producers originally wanted to build a sitcom around an existing band. When the Dave Clark Five and the Lov-in’ Spoonful turned down the chance, unknown actors and musicians were sought.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
. Calista Flockhart, Heather Locklear, Sela Ward, and Mary-Louise Parker were all almost cast in the role ultimately given to Teri Hatcher.

The alphabet, arranged by frequency of use: ETAISONHRDLUCMFWYPGVBKJQXZ.

THREE’S COMPANY
. Billy Crystal auditioned for the part of Jack Tripper, which eventually went to John Ritter.

CHARLIE’S ANGELS
. They were almost Angels: Kim Basinger, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Kathie Lee Gifford.

DYNASTY
. Elizabeth Taylor, Raquel Welch, and Sophia Loren were all passed over for the part of Alexis; Angie Dickinson was offered the role of Krystal. The roles went to Joan Collins and Linda Evans.

THE A-TEAM
. For the part of Hannibal, producers nearly cast James Coburn. They went with George Peppard instead.

THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY
. After four seasons, David Cassidy was exhausted and wanted to leave the show. Rick Springfield was scheduled to replace him—until the network decided not to renew the show for a fifth year.

FRIENDS
. Jon Cryer was offered the role of Chandler. He turned it down and it went to Matthew Perry.

HAPPY DAYS
. Robby Benson was considered for the role of Richie Cunningham, but lost out to Ron Howard. (Former Monkees Mickey Dolenz and Michael Nesmith both auditioned to play Fonzie.)

STAR
TREK
. Martin Landau turned down the part of Spock. It went to Leonard Nimoy, who would later replace Landau when he quit
Mission: Impossible
.

* * *

OOPS

In 2005
Money
magazine named its 100 best places to live. At #28 was Wexford, Pennsylvania. Only problem: Wexford doesn’t exist. It’s a postal designation for parts of four real Pittsburgh suburbs, but it has no boundaries, government, or taxes (which may be why it’s considered such a great place to live).

Author Alexandre Dumas
(The Three Musketeers)
kept a pet vulture on a leash.

THE GREAT PIG WAR

San Juan Island is one of many islands that dot Puget Sound, which separates Washington and Canada. Today, it’s a popular tourist destination, most notably for whale watching. But more than a century ago, it was not a whale but a pig that thrust San Juan Island to the center of the world stage
.

R
UDE AWAKENING
Lyman Cutlar was a potato farmer who lived on San Juan Island. On the morning of June 15, 1859, he was startled out of bed by the sound of grunts coming from his potato patch. He got up, grabbed his rifle, and went to investigate. What Cutlar saw incensed him: In the middle of his field was a giant black boar munching on his newly planted tubers. Next to the fence stood a man laughing at the spectacle. Cutlar was mad. He raised his rifle, took aim, and shot. The pig fell dead; the man ran into the woods.

That would be the only fatality in a tense standoff that nearly brought the United States and England into a full-scale war.

THIS LAND IS OUR LAND

After winning the Revolutionary War against England in 1783, the United States started expanding west, embracing the idea of Manifest Destiny, a belief that Americans had a divine right to all lands from the Atlantic to the Pacific. The Louisiana Purchase of 1803 added more than 800,000 square miles, extending from the Mississippi River to the Rocky Mountains. The Mexican-American War of 1846 extended the nation out to California.

That same year, America and Great Britain signed the Oregon Treaty, which set the international boundary between the United States and western Canada, at the time governed by the British. According to the treaty: “The boundary shall be continued westward along the forty-ninth parallel of north latitude to the middle of the channel which separates the continent from Vancouver’s Island, and thence southward through the middle of said channel, and of Fuca’s Straight, to the Pacific Ocean.”

Although this wording may sound thorough, it wasn’t—especially the phrase “in the middle of the channel.” San Juan Island sat in the middle of that channel, and there were two navigable channels on opposite sides of it: the Haro on the west and Rosario to the east. Britain claimed Rosario as the border, making the island British territory. The Americans claimed it was the Haro, making the island American territory.

Don’t get out much? 300,000 people participated in an Easter egg hunt...on the Internet.

TENSION MOUNTS

While the diplomats argued, both sides staked their claims. Hudson’s Bay Company, owned by England, turned the verdant, 55-square-mile island into a giant sheep ranch. Sixteen Americans also settled on San Juan, one of whom was Lyman Cutlar. The governor of Oregon Territory had (mistakenly) assured him that San Juan belonged to the United States. Therefore, as an American citizen, Cutlar (mistakenly) thought he was entitled to 320 acres of free land under the Donation Land Claim Act of 1850. But because the ownership of the island was under dispute, the Claim Act did not apply.

Cutlar’s nearest neighbor was Charles Griffin, an Englishman who managed Hudson’s Bay’s giant sheep ranch. Griffin also owned a few pigs, which he allowed to roam freely. After all, as far as he was concerned, the island belonged to the British.

The two sides shared an uneasy peace for a few years…until Cutlar killed Griffin’s pig. The American farmer offered $10 compensation for the deceased pig, but Griffin scoffed at the paltry price and demanded $100. Cutlar wasn’t about to pay such a huge sum for a pig that trespassed on
his
land. He replied: “Better chance for lightning to strike you than for you to get a hundred dollars for that hog!” Both men took their complaints to their respective governments.

SETTING THE PIECES

Griffin called on Sir James Douglas, governor of British Columbia, who sided with his countryman. Years earlier, Douglas had publicly opposed the Treaty of Oregon, believing that the Columbia River—which lies many miles to the south and now separates Washington from Oregon—should have been the border between the two countries. Unhappy with the upstart Americans living on “his” island, Governor Douglas ordered Cutlar to pay the $100.

Cutlar told the governor where he could stick his order and walked away. He was, after all, an American citizen, and San Juan Island was in the United States of AMERICA! Douglas issued a warrant for the potato farmer’s arrest.

Ancient Egyptians made hula hoops out of grapevines.

Cutlar ignored the warrant (he was never arrested) and complained bitterly to General William S. Harney, commander of the U.S. Army’s Department of Oregon. Harney was a hothead. According to biographer George Rollie Adams, Harney was “excitable, aggressive, and quick to react to any affront, insult, or attack, whether real or imagined.” And General Harney hated the British as much as Governor Douglas hated the Americans. Harney sent his best officer to occupy the island—Captain George Pickett, another hothead who earlier had been cited for “reckless bravery” in the Mexican War. Pickett landed on San Juan Island in July of 1859 with 461 soldiers. They built a fort, brought in their artillery, and prepared for battle. Pickett proclaimed (without federal authority) that the island was United States territory and appointed himself the sole authority. “No laws, other than those of the United States,” would be recognized.

Meanwhile, Governor Douglas warned the British Foreign Office: “The whole of San Juan Island will soon be occupied by a squatter population of American citizens if they do not receive an immediate check.”

CHECK

The British sent five warships and 2,000 soldiers. Undeterred, Harney ordered Pickett to stop the British from landing, and if they tried, to open fire. Pickett pledged that if he had to, he would “make a Bunker Hill out of it” and fight to the last man.

Governor Douglas ordered his navy to take San Juan by force, but British Rear Admiral Robert L. Baynes, who commanded the fleet, was the only one of the bunch with a knack for diplomacy. “I refuse to involve two great nations in a war over a squabble about a pig!” So Baynes kept his men on the ships, their guns pointed at the American fort. Both sides were ready to fight, but neither wanted to fire the first shot. So there they stayed, facing each other’s guns, waiting.

Back in Washington, D.C., the standoff—now more than two months old—was treated with the utmost importance. With the threat of a civil war looming at home, no one wanted to go to war with England…again. President Buchanan dispatched his best negotiator, General Winfield Scott, who had previously mediated two disputes over the U.S.–Canadian border, one at Aroostook, Maine, and the other at Niagara Falls.

A single square inch of skin on the human hand contains 72 feet of nerves.

TO THE RESCUE

General Scott arrived in October to find Captain Pickett and his men tired, anxious, and with itchy trigger fingers. He met with General Harney and told him, “Resign or get fired.” Disgraced, Harney left the island, having fired not a single shot.

Now in sole charge of the situation, General Scott met with Governor Douglas. They came to a stalemate as to the true ownership of San Juan Island, but agreed on a joint occupancy until an international arbiter could be brought in to settle the matter. The British fleet sailed away, and most of the American troops withdrew, as did Lyman Cutlar, who found that living on San Juan Island was far more trouble than it was worth. Each side left a symbolic token force, encamped on opposite ends of the island. They shared a second, uneasy peace for more than a decade.

THE FINAL
OINK

Thirteen years passed before the matter was finally settled. So who did England and the United States get to solve the problem? Kaiser Wilhelm I, of Germany. He agreed to serve as their neutral arbiter and appointed three experts to examine the evidence. In October 1872, the German leader finally rendered his verdict: “The boundary line shall be drawn through the Haro Channel.” The kaiser gave San Juan Island to the United States.

As for the wayward pig that started the whole fiasco…it’s assumed he ended up on either Cutlar’s or Griffin’s dinner table.

* * *

IS IT TOO LATTE?

It turns out too much caffeine can kill you. How much is too much? According to
www.energyfiend.com
, it would take 435 cans of A&W Creme Soda to kill a 185-pound man. Brewed coffee: 117 cups. Red Bull energy drink: 157 cans. Snapple Decaffeinated Lemon Tea: 2805 bottles.