Read Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader Online
Authors: Michael Brunsfeld
M*A*S*H (1982)
Another Mego Toys release of a show kids didn’t watch. Over its long run,
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evolved from a broad comedy with elements of drama into a drama with traces of comedy. Had Mego released these dolls in the early 1970s when
M*A*S*H
was more appealing to kids, they might have sold. But they waited until 1982 to unveil their versions of the gang from the 4077th (including two different Klinger dolls—one in military uniform and one in drag). The dolls bombed, although the 8-inch Hot Lips Houlihan doll (modeled after actress Loretta Swit) reportedly sold well among teenage boys, and, according to
Toymania
magazine, the Father Mulcahy figure was the first action figure to depict a member of the clergy.
Shooting stars: There are asteroids named for Eric Clapton and each of the Beatles.
DOZZZY (1986)
In the 1980s, toy shelves were crowded with dolls that talked, walked, drank, and peed. And then there was Dozzzy. Dozzzy slept…and that was all it did. Its eyes were permanently closed and it came dressed in pajamas.
GROWING UP SKIPPER (1975)
In the late 1960s, Mattel introduced a series of friends and family for Barbie, including Barbie’s teenage sister, Skipper. But could Skipper stay a teenager forever? Apparently not. In 1975 Mattel released Growing Up Skipper, a doll that could instantly change from adolescent to adult and back again. With the pull of an arm, Skipper grew an inch taller, her waist got smaller, and her bustline expanded. Another arm pump returned Skipper to her more modest, less curvy dimensions. Mattel discontinued the doll in 1976, giving in to protests from feminist groups and concerned parents who didn’t think little girls should be playing with such an overtly sexual doll.
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GOOD FOR HER…BUT FOR US?
Sue Mcllwraith, a supermarket worker from West Bromwich, England, passed her driving test on the 20th attempt. From 1996 to 2003, she took more than 300 lessons, which cost her £7,000 (about $12,000). “To be honest,” said Mrs Mcllwraith, “when it comes to driving I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer.”
Now ewe know: Sheep refuse to drink from running water.
These days, no one makes jokes on a plane, least of all the pilot. Here’s the harrowing tale of a practical joke that almost went horribly wrong
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RASH COURSE
In 1947 an American Airlines pilot named Charles Sisto was in command of a propeller-driven DC-4 aircraft carrying 49 passengers from Dallas to Los Angeles. Along with Sisto were his copilot, Melvin Logan, and John Beck, a DC-3 pilot who was learning how to operate the more sophisticated DC-4. While cruising along at 8,000 feet, Captain Sisto invited Beck to take the controls. As Beck was settling into the captain’s chair, Sisto thought he’d have a little fun at the rookie’s expense—he fastened the gust lock, a device that locks up both the rudder and the elevator and is supposed to be used only on the ground.
Beck was obviously confused when the DC-4 started climbing…and climbing…and kept climbing, no matter what he did. Beck tried everything he could think of, but he couldn’t level the plane out. Finally, suppressing his laughter, Captain Sisto decided that the joke had gone on long enough and unlocked the gust lock. Bad idea: while trying to correct the plane’s altitude, Beck had left the controls set to an extreme position. Once the gust lock was off, the airplane went straight into a nose dive.
The sudden lurch threw Sisto and Beck, who were not strapped in, out of their seats. They hit the ceiling—which happened to be where the propeller controls were located—and shut off three of the four engines. This actually turned out to be a good thing, because shutting off the propellers slowed the plane’s descent and allowed copilot Logan, who
was
strapped in, to level the plane just 350 feet from the ground. They made an emergency landing in El Paso, Texas.
Many of the passengers were injured, but none seriously. At first, the three pilots claimed that the autopilot had failed, but after a lengthy investigation, Sisto finally confessed to his ill-conceived practical joke.
He was fired.
No strings attached? Female Marines serving during WWII were called Marinettes.
More tales of outrageous blunders to let us know that someone’s screwing up even worse than we are. So go ahead and feel superior for a few minutes
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FF-FENCE-SIVE MANEUVER
“A Shinnston, West Virginia, woman called for help on her cell phone Wednesday after a camel sat on top of her while she was painting a fence. Firefighters and the camel’s owner helped move the animal off the woman, who was having trouble breathing, according to ambulance driver Brent Hicks. ‘There is no protocol on something like this,’ he said. The names of the woman and the camel’s owner were not released.”
—Houston Chronicle
NICE SMOKING JACKET
“Israel’s finance minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, was really fired up during a radio interview conducted outside the cabinet room on Sunday. ‘Can’t you smell the smoke?’ the Army Radio reporter suddenly asked.
“‘What do you mean?’ Netanyahu shot back.
“‘Minister, your cigar is on fire. The one inside your suit jacket.
You are burning up!’ the reporter replied urgently.
“At this point, Housing Minister Isaac Herzog came to the rescue. ‘Throw it on the floor, Bibi.’ Herzog cried. Emergency over, the reporter asked Netanyahu why he had put the cigar in his jacket pocket.
“‘Smoking is forbidden here,’ Netanyahu said. But why a lit cigar? ‘I didn’t know it was lit.’”
—Reuters
REAL TOUGH LOVE
“A Watauga, Texas, woman identified only as ‘Lori,’ told
Fort Worth Star-Telegram
reporters that she recently phoned 911 after coming home to find her daughters fighting. The 911 dispatcher, Mike Forbess, responded to the mother’s plea for help by saying: ‘OK. Do you want us to come over to shoot her?’
Your government at work: It is illegal to swim on dry land in Santa Ana, California.
“After Forbess’ comment, the woman fell silent for about five seconds and then asked, ‘Excuse me?’
“Forbess, a dispatcher for five years, told her he was joking and apologized. But it was too late. (Forbess immediately told his supervisor what happened and was severely reprimanded.)”
—Associated Press
DON’T DRINK THE…
“Aliso Viejo, California, officials fell prey to an Internet prank that warns about ‘the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide,’ otherwise known as H
2
O or…water. The City Council was about to vote on a law banning the use of foam containers made with the substance. Officials said a paralegal was the victim of a spoof Web site identifying it as an ‘odorless, colorless chemical’ that can cause death if inhaled.”
—USA Today
FAILING GRADE
“In March 2004, the University of California, Davis, issued an apology to 6,000 students who received an e-mail indicating they were awarded a prestigious Regents Scholarship. It was a mistake. Within three hours a second e-mail was issued congratulating those same students on being admitted to UC Davis, but without the scholarship. Only 800 students were actually selected to receive the Regents Scholarship.”
—UC News Service
HOUSE IT GOING?
“Former
Baywatch
star Carmen Electra has discovered she’s living in the wrong house—the one she thought she’d bought is next door. The actress, who purchased the Los Angeles property with her husband, David Navarro, admits she didn’t realize she’d put in a bid on the wrong home until she moved in. She says, ‘I got the houses confused. The day we moved in, I walked in the living room and I said, “Honey, this isn’t the house!” I was a little disappointed because I thought the pool was somewhere else, but now I’ve gotten used to it.’”
—World Entertainment News
Don’t look now, but the average person loses about 1,600 eyelashes per year.
Sometimes the answer is irrelevant—it’s the question that counts
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f money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
What disease did cured ham have?
Why do we say we “slept like a baby” when babies wake up every hour and a half?
Why do alarm clocks “go off” when they start making noise?
Instead of “All things in moderation,” shouldn’t it be “Some things in moderation”?
Why do we yell “Heads up!” when we should be yelling “Heads down!”
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell “mnemonic”?
Why is it called quicksand when it sucks you down very, very slowly?
When French people swear, do they say, “Pardon my English”?
Why is it called the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why are they called marbles if they’re made out of glass?
If everyone lost five pounds at the same time, would it throw the Earth out of its orbit?
What color hair do bald men put on their driver’s license?
How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, then why practice?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
Why do we put our suits in a garment bag and our garments in a suitcase?
When two airplanes almost collide, why is it a “near miss”? Shouldn’t it be a “near hit”?
How can something be both “new” and “improved”?
Why do we shut up, but quiet down?
How did the “Keep Off the Grass” sign get there in the first place?
But can it fetch? The Philippine cloud rat barks like a dog.
Modern technology—it’s made life a lot easier for all of us. But with every silver lining…there also comes a cloud
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ARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME
The
carpal tunnel
is a small space in the wrist—about the diameter of your index finger—surrounded by the carpal bones on the top and the transverse carpal ligament on the bottom. That space is filled with tendons, arteries, lymphatic vessels, and the median nerve. In a healthy wrist, all those parts fit perfectly and glide by each other easily. But when the wrist is used for repetitive motion over long periods of time, one or more of those tendons may become inflamed, which can cause friction with the other parts, including the nerve. Result: a tingling, numb sensation on the thumb side of the hand, and/or pain in the wrist. With the advent of the computer age and people sitting at a keyboard for hours at a time, carpal tunnel syndrome has become increasingly common. According to the U.S. National Center for Health Statistics, carpal tunnel syndrome now results in more work days lost than any other work-related injury.
BACKPACK SYNDROME
In the 1990s, backpacks became the schoolbook bag of choice for students of all ages in the United States. Studies done at that time reported a growing number of complaints about back pain from school-age children—and said it was related to the backpack trend. They found two problems: 1) The number of books students are required to have by schools had increased. Many packs weighed 20 pounds or more—a lot for a twelve-year-old; and 2) Kids were wearing the packs incorrectly. Kids considered it uncool to wear the packs with both straps—they chose to wear them over one shoulder, instead. This led to shoulder pain and, after prolonged misuse, could even cause curvature of the spine, an especially harmful condition for still-developing kids.
CELL PHONE SYNDROMES
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Cell phone elbow:
Since the late 1990s, more and more worker’s compensation claims have been filed for
epicondylitis:
painful inflammation of the muscles and soft tissues around the bone projections on either side of the elbow. How did people get the condition? According to doctors, from overuse of their cell phones. Cells allow people to be on the phone almost anywhere—in cars, restaurants, bars, and even outdoors—so overuse has become common. And, as most people have experienced, holding a phone to your ear for a prolonged period of time makes your elbow sore. (Note: It used to be called “tennis elbow.”)
S’not a joke: The Maori of New Zealand believe that God sneezed life into humans.
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Increased allergies:
In 2003 Dr. Hajime Kimata of Unitika Hospital in Kyoto, Japan, studied 52 allergy sufferers—half of them were talking on their cell phones; the other half were not. Discovery: cell phone radiation increases allergy symptoms. “When we did blood tests we found that the mobile phones had raised the levels of antigens in the blood, which provoke allergic reactions such as eczema, hay fever, and asthma.” Kitama said he thinks that microwaves emitted by cell phones are responsible for the increased antigens.
ORTHOREXIA NERVOSA
Colorado-based physician Dr. Steven Bratman coined this term in 1996 for a new type of eating disorder: an unhealthy obsession with eating too well.
(Orthorexia
means “correct appetite.”) At the time, he says, he had the condition himself; he was so obsessed with eating healthy food that he ate only vegetables that he pulled from the ground himself. He then realized that he had a dangerous eating disorder, not unlike anorexia nervosa (“loss of appetite”). Some of the symptoms: thinking about healthy food for more than three hours a day, planning tomorrow’s menu today, continually limiting the number of types of foods you eat, and feeling critical of others who don’t eat as well as you do. “Eating for pleasure is part of life,” Bratman says. “Any move to give that up should be seen as a very dramatic and radical change.”