Read Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader Online
Authors: Michael Brunsfeld
SADAAM HUSSEIN’S PISTOL
When former Iraqi president Sadaam Hussein was captured in a “spider hole” in Iraq in December 2003, he had several weapons with him. One was a pistol. Major General Raymond Odierno reported that Hussein was holding the loaded pistol in his lap when he was captured, but didn’t make a move to use it. The Army had the pistol mounted and, in a private meeting, the Special Forces soldiers who took part in the capture presented it to President George W. Bush.
When news of the war souvenir broke in May 2004, reporters asked President Bush if he planned to give the pistol to the next Iraqi president. No, he said, it “is now the property of the American government.” The gun is kept in a small study off the Oval Office, and, according to one White House visitor who later spoke to
Time
magazine, the president “really liked showing it off. He was really proud of it.”
There are 12,787 licensed taxicabs in New York City.
More than 30 years after the first Super Bowl broadcast, the halftime show is no longer just something to fill TV airtime while the football players rest—it’s now a spectacle unto itself. Here are some highlights
.
H
UT HUT HUT!
1967:
Marching bands from the universities of Arizona and Michigan perform.
1970:
The NFL experiments with big-name celebrity halftime entertainers. Their first big star: Carol Channing.
1972:
“A Salute to Louis Armstrong,” with Ella Fitzgerald, Al Hirt, the U.S. Marine Corps Drill Team…and Carol Channing. Armstrong had died the previous summer. Songs included “High Society” and “Hello, Dolly.”
1976:
Up With People, a “clean-cut” troupe of young dancers and singers, kicks off the yearlong American bicentennial celebration with a collection of patriotic songs called “200 Years and Just a Baby.” Up With People returned in 1980 (“Salute to the Big Band Era”), in 1982 (“Salute to the ’60s”), and in 1986 (“The Beat of the Future,” ironically, their last Super Bowl appearance).
1988:
Chubby Checker sings “The Super Bowl Twist” while the Rockettes dance on a giant grand piano–shaped stage. The rest of the field is filled with 88 grand pianos. The occasion: it’s 1988.
1990:
“A Salute to New Orleans and Snoopy’s 40th Birthday,” combines New Orleans musicians (clarinetist Pete Fountain, Cajun fiddler Doug Kershaw, and blues singer Irma Thomas) with 400 dancers, a 500-voice choir, marching bands from three Louisiana colleges, and actors dressed up like characters from the
Peanuts
comic strip.
1992:
To promote the upcoming Winter Olympics (to be broadcast, like the 1992 Super Bowl, on CBS), Brian Boitano and Dorothy Hamill figure skate while Gloria Estefan sings a song called “Pump It Up, Frosty.”
A can of foot powder was once elected mayor of Picoaza, Ecuador.
1993:
Michael Jackson sings “Heal the World,” accompanied by a choir of 3,500 children.
1995:
Disney produces the halftime show, which they use to promote a new Indiana Jones–themed ride at Disneyland with an Indiana Jones–themed show, featuring Patti LaBelle, Tony Bennett, Arturo Sandoval, Miami Sound Machine, and 1,000 dancers.
1998:
“A Salute to Motown’s 40th Anniversary” concludes with Boyz II Men, Smokey Robinson, Martha Reeves, the Temptations, and Queen Latifah all singing “Dancing in the Streets” together.
2003:
Shania Twain performs “Man! I Feel Like a Woman” but is accused of lip-synching.
2004:
Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson play Timberlake’s hit “Rock Your Body.” Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” introduces a new phrase into the lexicon.
2005:
Paul McCartney sings “Drive My Car,” “Get Back,” “Live and Let Die,” and “Hey Jude” (without lip-synching or exposing himself).
OTHER HALFTIME PERFORMERS OVER THE YEARS
• Clint Black
• The Judds
• James Brown
• No Doubt
• Woody Herman
• Enrique Iglesias
• Helen O’Connell
• Toni Braxton
• U.S. Air Force Band
• Christina Aguilera
• New Kids on the Block
• U2
• Diana Ross
• Britney Spears
• Aerosmith
• ’NSYNC
• P. Diddy
• Mary J. Blige
• Tanya Tucker
• Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
• ZZ Top
• U.S. Marine Corps
• Stevie Wonder
• Drill Team
• Phil Collins
• Sting
• Travis Tritt
• Nelly
• The Blues Brothers
• Kid Rock
Heads up! 94% of Americans say they would stop to pick up a quarter lying in the street.
More tales of irony to help you keep things in perspective
.
U
NLUCKY STRIKE
“A six-year-old racehorse named Rain, Hail or Shine died in its paddock in Wellington, New Zealand, after being struck by lightning. ‘I’ve never heard of it happening before,’ said his trainer, Ralph Manning. ‘But it must have hit us pretty hard. The electric fencing had melted against the wall.’ Waterhouse, a horse which shared the paddock with Rain, Hail or Shine, was unscathed and celebrated its good fortune by running second at a race later that day.”
—CBS Sports
THERE GOES THE JUDGE
“In March 2003, U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia accepted an award by the Cleveland City Club for his contributions to freedom of speech, which Scalia said he would be glad to accept at the club’s meeting…provided no television or radio coverage was allowed.”
—CNN
TO PROTECT AND WIN
“A group of policemen from a division that fights illegal gambling in Sao Paulo, Brazil, was caught using illegal gambling machines after witnesses turned them in. The police were gambling at a local bar during work hours.”
—Lawyers Weekly
(Australia)
HIS CAREER IS SHOT
“Todd the Human Cannonball has been fired—because he is terrified of flying. It’s not the gun that shoots him 40 feet above the circus ring at 60 mph that scares him; it’s airplanes.
“When Todd Christian, 26, a lifelong daredevil, injured his knee while performing the stunt, his employers, the Cottle and Austen Circus, decided to send him for safety training at a space center in Brazil. But Christian refused to go.
Hi, Mom!
“‘I know it sounds silly because I’m a human cannonball, but if I’m on a plane for a long time, I panic,’ he said. The cannonball’s refusal left circus owners only one option: they fired him.”
—The Times
(U.K.)
SUFFERING SUFFRAGETTES
“Kansas State Senator Kay O’Connor, who once said that giving women the vote was a symptom of weakness in the American family, now wants to be Kansas’ top elections official. Senator O’Connor, 63, announced that she is seeking the GOP nomination for secretary of state next year. In 2001 she received national attention for her remarks about the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, ratified in 1920, which gave women the right to vote. ‘The 19th Amendment is a symptom of something I don’t approve of,’ she said at the time. ‘I believe the man should be the head of the family. The woman should be the heart of the family.’”
—Yahoo! News / AP
WORKFARCE DEVELOPMENT
“In October 2003, the Indiana Department of Workforce Development, whose mission is to help unemployed Indiana residents (including those who have lost jobs because their work was contracted overseas), awarded a $15 million computer services contract to Tata American International Corp. Tata was to hire 65 programmers to work on the agency’s information software. Two weeks later, state officials canceled the contract after realizing that Tata is a subsidiary of a Bangalore, India, company and that the 65 programmers were being brought in from India.”
—Computerworld
INTELLIGENCE
“The CIA convened a panel of scientists in January 2003 to discuss potential terrorist uses of life-science research. The panel concluded that, despite the risks, openness in scientific study was absolutely crucial. Two weeks later the CIA said the panel’s conclusions on openness was classified.”
—Federation of American Scientists News
In one hour, your heart burns enough energy to raise a ton of lead three feet off the ground.
Time to test your critical thinking skills. (Answers are on
page 517
.)
1. By the Numbers
Each number below represents a letter in a common word.
1234567890
•
1234:
carries heredity
•
456:
period of time
•
567:
“I smell a _ _ _.”
•
890:
charged particle
= _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
2
.
Sum Fun
Both 11+2 and 12+1 equal 13, but they have something else in common. What? (Remember: it’s a
word
game.)
3
.
Painful Words
He starts and ends two painful words. One comes from too little love; the other comes from too much noise.
What are the words?
4
.
Looking Back
What do “subcontinental” and “uncomplimentary” have in common?
5
.
Magic Words
What do these three words have in common?
polish, job, and herb
6
.
Branching Out
Find the tree names hidden in each of these sentences.
• So then I begged Ma: “Please, please help me!”
• “Whoa, Kramer, nice entrance,” mused Jerry.
• That rec room is a nightmare in pastel, Mom!
• “Eve, I believe we’re made of carbon,” said Adam.
• Mozart excites me, but Chopin eludes me.
• Our very own doubting Thomas penned a winner!
• From the pit he yelled, “I, Jacob, am booming!”
7
.
Another Magic Word
Written in full, this word describes a place that does not exist at all. Yet if you add one space inside the word, it instantly comes right to you.
What is this magic word?
8
.
Weighty Riddle
Forward I am very heavy, backward I am not.
What am I?
Placed end-to-end, the eyelashes you’ll shed in your lifetime will stretch over 98 feet.
Some quotes from the Great White North.
“Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main import is acid rain.”
—Pierre Trudeau
“I have to spend so much time explaining to Americans that I am not English and to Englishmen that I am not American that I have little time left to be Canadian.”
—Laurence J. Peter
“Canada is the essence of not being: not English; not American. And a subtle flavour—we’re more like…celery.”
—Mike Myers
“We’ll explain the appeal of curling to you if you explain the appeal of the National Rifle Association to us.”
—Andy Barrie, radio host
“Canadians don’t have a very big political lever. We’re nice guys.”
—Paul Henderson, athlete
“Maybe you live somewhere that doesn’t have snow in April; if so, I hope you appreciate it.”
—Spider Robinson, author
“Canadians are the people who learned to live without the bold accents of the natural ego-trippers of other lands.”
—Marshall McLuhan
“Hockey captures the essence of Canadian experience. In a land so inescapably and inhospitably cold, hockey is the chance of life, and an affirmation that despite the deathly chill of winter we are alive.”
—Stephen Leacock
“The great themes of Canadian history are as follows: keeping the Americans out, the French in, and trying to get the Natives to somehow disappear.”
—Will Ferguson
“There’s something romantic about being Canadian. We’re a relatively unpopulated, somewhat civilized, clean, and resourceful country.”
—k. d. lang
“I speak English and French, not Klingon. I drink Labatt’s, not Romulan Ale…My name is William Shatner and I AM CANADIAN!”
—William Shatner
The clothespin, the circular saw, and the metal-tipped pen were all invented by Shakers.