Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader (54 page)

PALE BLUE

• Pale blue can actually make people feel cooler. Designers often use it in places where men work, “because men feel 5° warmer than a woman in the same room temperature.”

• Blue inhibits the desire to eat; in fact, researchers say “people tend to eat less from blue plates.”

• Because blue is associated with eating less, marketers use it to sell products like club soda, skim milk, and cottage cheese.

BROWN

• Researchers say a brown suit “a symbol of informality that invites people to open up.” It’s recommended for reporters and marriage counselors.

GRAY

• Your eye processes gray more easily than any other color.

• Even so, people often become prejudiced against it, especially in areas with a bleak climate.

BRONZE

• This metallic hue gets a negative response. Researchers say it’s “useful when rejection is desired.”

GREEN

It’s used to sell vegetables and chewing gum. But people avoid using it to sell meat, because it reminds consumers of mold.

Red is rarely used on ice cream packages because it reminds people of heat.

Stars like Madonna would probably just as soon you forgot about what they were doing before they hit it big. You’d never guess they started out this way
.

T
OM SELLECK

First Film:
Myra Breckinridge
(1970)

The Role:
In his 17 seconds onscreen, Selleck plays an unnamed talent agent (listed as “The Stud” in the credits) opposite Mae West, the star of the film, who wants to help him find “a position.” West discovered Selleck in a Pepsi commercial and had him cast in the bit part.

HARRISON FORD

First Film:
Dead Heat on a Merry-Go-Round
(1966)

The Role:
The 24-year old Ford plays an unnamed bellhop who appears in only one scene, in which con man James Coburn gets some information from him and then refuses to give him a tip. The part is so small that Ford is not even listed in the credits.

Memorable Line:
“Paging Mr. Ellis...”

MADONNA

First Film:
A Certain Sacrifice
(1979)

The Role:
In this Super 8 student film, Madonna plays a minor character named Bruna, who shows her breasts, has “simulated” group sex, and gets smeared with a dead man’s blood. The film is so bad that the home video version opens with a disclaimer warning the viewer of the film’s “technical inconsistancies.”

Memorable Line:
“I’m a do-do girl, and I’m looking for my do-do boy.”

JEFF GOLDBLUM

First Film:
Death Wish
(1974)

The Role:
Goldblum plays “Freak #1,” one of three unnamed punks who break into Charles Bronson’s house, kill his wife, and rape his daughter. Bronson spends the rest of the film (and three sequels) gunning down punks on the streets of New York.

Memorable Line:
“Don’t jive, mother, you know what we want!”

IRS workers suffer fewer assaults on the job than workers in any other government agency.

KEVIN COSTNER

First Film:
Sizzle Beach, USA
(1974)

The Role:
Costner is John Logan, a wealthy rancher, in this film about three big-breasted women who share a house in Malibu. The girls exercise and perform household chores while topless, and one of them, Dit, falls in love with Costner’s character. (Incidentally, Costner also played a corpse in
The Big Chill
, but all of his scenes were cut out.)

Memorable Line:
“L.A. women seem to be very impressed with money.”

TOM CRUISE

First Film:
Endless Love
(1981)

The Role:
Cruise plays Billy, a teen arsonist who gives the film’s costar, Martin Hewitt, the idea of burning down Brooke Shields’s house in order to act as a hero and win the respect of her parents.

Memorable Line:
“When I was eight years old I was into arson.”

SYLVESTER STALLONE

First Film:
A Party at Kitty and Stud’s
, (1970). Later renamed “The Italian Stallion” to cash in on Stallone’s fame.

The Role:
In this
pre-Rocky
soft-core porno flick, Stallone plays Stud, a frisky playboy with big hair (and small muscles) who spends much of the film entirely nude except for a medallion around his neck and a wristwatch...though he never actually engages in intercourse.

Memorable Line:
“Mmmmm.”

Can’t Get No Respect

Stallone never lived his blue movie down. According to
Esquire
magazine, “Even when
Rocky
won the Oscar for best picture of 1976...the [only] Stallone movie in demand for the private screening rooms of Bel Air and Beverly Hills was the soft-core porn film he’d made when it was the only work he could get.”

The Polish government rewards informants with flowers and chocolates.

It’s surprising how many of our words are references to gods that we’ve never heard of. Here are some of the characters in Greek and Roman mythology we refer to daily
.

C
ereal:
Named after Ceres, the Roman goddess of grain and agriculture.

Atlas:
One of the Greek Titans banished by Zeus when they sided with his son against him. Atlas was condemned to carry the world on his shoulders. That scene was popular with early map-makers, who regularly put it on the covers of their books of maps. The books themselves eventually became known as atlases.

Panic:
Named after the Greek god Pan, who was believed to howl and shriek in the middle of the night. Greeks who heard these noises often
panicked
.

Hygiene:
Inspired by Hygeia, the Greek goddess who brings good health.

Panacea:
The Roman goddess who cures diseases.

Tantalize:
Tantalus was a Greek king who was punished by the other gods for trying to deceive them. He was forced to stand in a pool of water up to his chin, but when he lowered his head to drink, the water receded just out of reach. The same was true with food: Whenever he reached to pick a piece of fruit from a tree, the wind blew it just out of his reach. The
tantalizing
food filled him with desire, but was completely unobtainable.

Siren:
The Greeks believed the Sirens were women who called to passing sailors with their beautiful singing voices. Sailors couldn’t resist them; in fact, men were driven mad by the songs and dashed their ships on the nearby rocks in their frenzy to get closer.

Helium:
This element, found in the gaseous atmosphere of the sun, is named after Helios, the Greek god of the sun.

Iridescent:
Named after Iris, the Greek goddess of the rainbow.

Slow Learner: President Woodrow Wilson couldn’t read until he was 11 years old.

Erotic:
Named after Eros, the Greek god of...you guessed it: love.

Brownie:
These cousins of the Girl Scouts are named after the Celtic
brownies
, small, brown-cloaked fairies that perform household chores while the family sleeps.

Aphrodisiac:
Named after Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love. Her specialty: stirring up feelings of desire among the other gods.

Ghouls:
From the Arabic word
ghul
, which was an evil spirit that robbed tombs and ate corpses. Today the name is given to anyone with an unhealthy interest in the deceased.

Lethargy:
Named after the mythical Greek river of forgetfulness,
Lethe
.

Aegis:
Originally the name of the shield of Zeus; today anything that’s protected by something else is said to be under its aegis.

Money:
Named after Juno Moneta, the Roman goddess of money.

SPACE-FILLER: MONEY FACTS

• Ancient Sparta had a creative way of preventing capital flight: They made their coins so large and heavy that it was almost impossible to take them out of the country.

• The British Pound Sterling, originally composed of 240 silver pennies, really did weigh a pound.

• The Greek word
drachma
originally meant “handful.”

• Why were gold and silver so widely used in coins? They were rare, valuable, and didn’t deteriorate or rust. They were also pretty to look at—which historians say was no small consideration.

• U.S. law requires that the words “liberty,” “United States of America,” “E Pluribus Unum,” and “In God We Trust” be inscribed on all coins.

• Biggest and smallest coins in history: the 1644 Swedish
ten-daler
coin (43.4 pounds), and the 1740 Nepalese silver
quarter-dam
(1/14,000 of an ounce).

• Biggest and smallest bills in history: the 14th-century Chinese
one-kwan
note (9 × 13 inches) and the 1917 Rumanian
ten-bani
note (1½ square inches).

John Quincy Adams once said, “There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide.”

You never know what’s going to happen to you, right? Like, you might get stuck on that seat, have to call 911 and wind up in the next edition of the
Bathroom Reader...
or you might find you’ve got one of these conditions. Don’t laugh—it could happen to YOU!

F
OREIGN ACCENT SYNDROME

When:
April 1993

Where:
Worcester, Mass.

Headline:
Car Wreck Leaves American Speaking Like a Frenchman

News Report:
“A 46-year-old Massachusetts man walked away from a car accident with an unexpected problem: he spoke with a French accent.

“‘At first it bothered me very much because I can’t make myself well understood,’ said the man, who asked not to be identified, in a phone interview. He said he had no experience with a foreign language and had never even traveled farther than New Jersey from his home in Worcester.”

MARY HART DISEASE

When:
July 11, 1992

Where:
New York City

Headline:
TV Co-Host’s Voice Triggers Seizures

News Report:
“A neurologist reports in today’s
New England Journal of Medicine
that a woman got epileptic seizures by hearing the voice of ‘Entertainment Tonight’ co-host Mary Hart.

“Symptoms included an upset feeling in the pit of her stomach, a sense of pressure in her head, and mental confusion. ‘It was very dramatic,’ said her doctor, who studied the seizures. ‘She would rub her stomach, hold her head, and then she would look confused and out of it.’

“The woman has not had any major seizures of this type since she stopped watching the syndicated TV show.”

Q. Who designed Italy’s national flag? A. Napoleon.

VGE—VIDEO GAME EPILEPSY

When:
April 1991

Where:
America and Japan

Headline:
A Case of Nintendo Epilepsy

News Report:
“On screen the aliens get zapped and enemy helicopters crash and burn. But people playing video games do not expect to get hurt. Most do not, but a few wind up with a case of video game epilepsy (VGE).

“A team of Japanese neurologists recently described the problem in an issue of
Developmental Medicine and Child Neurology
. They looked at five boys and two girls, ages 4 to 13, who suffered from headaches, convulsions and blurred vision while playing games. The convulsive responses lasted only a few minutes and, in some cases, happened only during a particular scene in a particular game.

“Parents can prevent VGE. A letter in the
New England Jounral of Medicine
reports a similar incident of ‘Nintendo epilepsy’ in a 13-year-old girl. The doctor discussed the options with her and the parents: abstention from Nintendo or anti-convulsion drugs.

“The family chose the drugs, since they felt she would not be able to resist Nintendo’s lure.”

...AND NOW FOR SOME “STRANGE DEATHS”

February 30.
When Augustus Caesar became emperor, February had 29 days in regular years and 30 days in leap years. Though the calendar had 365 days, leap years came every three years—which gradually threw the calendar out of sync with the movement of the sun. Augustus fixed this, ordering that leap years come every four years instead. While he was at it, he decided to add a day to August, the month named after him. So he shortened February to 28 days, and lengthened August to 31 days.

Mauch Chunk, Pennsylvania.
Jim Thorpe was one of the world’s most famous athletes. But he was penniless when he died in 1953. His estate couldn’t pay for the memorial his widow felt he deserved, so she asked his home state, Oklahoma, to foot the bill. When they refused, she offered to bury him in any U.S. town that would change its name to Jim Thorpe. The people of Mauch Chunk accepted the offer, and the town became Jim Thorpe, PA.

Q. What’s the only animal on Earth with only one ear? A. The praying mantis.

Wisecracks from one of America’s all-time sharpest female wits
.

“Hollywood money isn’t money. It’s congealed snow, melts in your hand, and there you are.”

“You can lead a horticulture ...but you can’t make her think.”

“If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end—I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.”

“Wit has truth in it. Wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.”

“The only
ism
Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.”

“The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘check enclosed.’”

“That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: ‘Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgement.’”

“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly; it should be thrown with great force.”

“Most good women are hidden treasures who are safe because nobody looks for them.”