“Sounds great.” As he slowed for the fork coming into town, she flicked a hand to the left, toward the sheriff’s department. “I mean it. Drop me by the station.”
“Madeline. Come on.”
“No. I have work to do.” Tension crept up her nape. She forced it back into its dark little hole with a couple of controlled breaths. “It’s not necessary for both of us to take Ash’s complaint. If we split up, we can make better progress.”
He slammed the brake for a red light, muttering something that sounded like, “Just freakin’ like her.”
A couple of minutes later, he pulled into a parking spot near the department entrance. “I can’t change your mind? He wants to see you.”
God, here they went again. She gave him a doleful look. “No, you can’t. There’s no reason for me to go. Just…deal with it.”
“Sure.” He stared across the parking lot, thumb beating the steering wheel in a maddening rhythm. She shrugged. His displeasure was no concern of hers. He was nothing.
All of it was nothing.
She slid from the truck and slammed the door behind her. She had a job to do. Some way or another, she would prove Allison’s involvement in Kelly’s death.
This time, Allison would pay for what she’d done.
“I need you to go by and talk to her. I already thought of that, precious. I can’t send Tori because she’ll just freeze her out. She knows you, and I think she’d be more open to you.” Tick’s voice preceded him from the hallway. “Yes. Please. I want you to be careful. I pissed her off this morning and who the hell knows what she’s capable of.”
Ash’s eyes snapped open as the door swung inward. He fumbled for the remote to lift the head of the bed. Tick, his expression tense and harried, returned his cell to his belt and pushed the door shut behind him.
He was alone. Ash frowned. “Where’s Madeline?”
If anything, the line of Tick’s mouth tightened. “At the sheriff’s office.”
“Why?” Even as he uttered the question, the answer rooted in his brain. Damn it, she was running again. Hiding, putting up those protective barriers. Except this time he wasn’t in any shape to go after her, force her to face anything. He rested his head against the pillow with a slow, deliberate motion and glared at the ceiling. “Fuck.”
“Yeah.” Tick rolled his shoulders in a strained shrug. “She’s shaken up and trying to play it off. I asked Cait to go talk to her.”
The sweet way she’d smiled at him replayed in his head, and he swallowed a groan of frustration. This had undone every bit of progress he’d made with her. Hell, had probably set him back a few steps farther than where he’d begun. The level at which that scared him was frightening in itself.
How the hell did a woman become indispensable, the center of everything, in less than a week?
“Where’s Rob?” Tick’s quiet question pulled him back from the brink. Ash blinked at him.
“He and Vince went to run an errand.” Ash rubbed a hand over his eyes. Shit, he had to figure out what to do next, where to start. Choking Allison Barnett with his bare hands was probably out of the question. His buddy, local law enforcement’s version of Captain America, would have issues with that plan.
Tick nodded. “You might want to call the phone company, have your number changed.”
“So are you doing anything about this?” Ash fixed him with a hard look. “You know who’s responsible.”
A grimace twisted Tick’s face. “Knowing it and proving it are two different things. I’ve started the warrant process—”
“You owe me three grand.” Vince’s smooth words cut across Tick’s drawl. He flicked a receipt onto Ash’s bed. “Who needs a warrant?”
Tick’s eyebrows lifted. “Any cop worth his salt.”
“Good thing I’m not a cop, isn’t it?” Vince’s eyes gleamed. “Took Tony less than an hour to find the ISP and the computer she used to access the ’net.”
“Great for Tony. Doesn’t help me any.” Tick held both hands aloft as Vince opened his mouth. “Don’t tell me. You tell me and I can’t use any of it, even when I get a warrant.”
None of this was helping Ash. He closed his eyes, trying to tune them out. Damn it, he needed to be out of this bed. Needed to be…
Focusing on that wasn’t helping, either. He couldn’t change anything. At this point, all he could do was hope she’d come to him on her own. She’d done it before. Maybe he’d get lucky this time too.
Fat fucking chance.
He clenched his teeth before remembering that was a really bad idea.
Tick’s cell phone rang with that stupid Gary Allan song he played over and over in the truck. The jangling guitar notes danced over Ash’s raw nerves.
“Are you supposed to have that on in here?” Vince asked as Tick lifted it to his ear and ignored him.
“Calvert…what? What do you mean, not there?” Tick’s dark gaze darted to Ash’s. “I just dropped her at the office”—he twisted his arm to look at his watch—“less than a half hour ago. She didn’t tell Lydia where she was going? Yeah, do that. Call me.”
His expression troubled, he returned the phone to his belt. Ash eased up on the bed. “What?”
“That was Cait. Madeline’s not at the department. Obviously, she walked out without telling anyone where she was going.”
Well, of course not. People running from the hard stuff never did.
She’d turned it off, tossed it in her drawer and walked out of the sheriff’s department, not even telling Lydia where she was going. It was her day off, technically—she didn’t have to answer to anyone.
Somehow, she’d found herself at Ash’s and used the key he’d given her. Inside, his warm, clean scent seemed to permeate the air. She’d ignored it, ignored the memories, gathered her things, all of them.
While she’d been shoving her T-shirts back in her bag, the phone had rung. The answering machine picked up. The owner of that male voice, John from wherever, wanted to fuck her up the ass. She’d closed the door on his words, leaving the key on the hall table.
Now, she was here. Dead brown grass crinkled beneath her steps. She pulled a cigarette from the crumpled pack and lifted the lighter she’d rummaged from under her passenger seat. Resting her elbow on one folded arm, she took a long drag and blew out a stream of smoke.
It curled and dissipated above her daddy’s tombstone.
“Guess you were right all along, weren’t you, Daddy?” The loudness of her own voice in the silent cemetery startled her. She scuffed a toe along the marble slab covering his grave. “What was it you said…a disgrace? Not fit to carry the Holton name.”
A rough laugh hurt her throat, and she sucked in another lungful of smoke to cover the sting. “Mama’s right. It’s a good thing you’re dead. If you were here for this one…it would definitely kill you.”
The wind rustled the few dead leaves still clinging to the oak limbs above her.
She glared at her father’s name cut into the sparkling gray marble. “Well, you won, you old bastard. You were right all along. You told me if I left, I couldn’t come back. I didn’t get it back then, but believe me, I do now. There’s no place for me here. Like there ever was.”
Expelling another stream of smoke, she kicked at the slab once more and blinked hard. “Why, Daddy? What did you want from me? Why did it always have to be so hard? It never mattered what I did, if I tried or didn’t try, nothing pleased you. Why couldn’t you just love me for who I was?”
Angry at herself for even caring anymore, she flicked the butt to her feet and ground it out. Shit damn fuck. She was talking to a dead man, like he was going to give her answers from beyond the grave.
God, she hadn’t even made it through a week here, let alone six.
Maybe she should just return to Jacksonville. Even if the PD didn’t want her, even if they never cleared her, there were other jobs. That’s all she needed anyway…something to pay the damn bills. She didn’t have to stay here. Kelly’s case would get solved. Calvert would see to that.
Quiet footsteps sounded behind her on the gravel, a light and graceful gait. Madeline closed her eyes. Did she even have to look?
“May I join you?” Caitlin stopped beside her.
Madeline waved in a silent it’s-a-free-country gesture.
The wind whipped up around them. With a shiver, Caitlin tucked her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. “What, no ‘how did you find me?’”
“You’re a Fed.” Madeline shrugged. “Tracking people is your job.”
Caitlin nodded toward the gravestone. “Did you find what you were looking for?”
Madeline slanted a glare in her direction. “No.”
“Me either.”
That was Madeline’s cue to ask what she was talking about, to play the “look how much we have in common” game. She was so tired of games it wasn’t even funny.
“Have you eaten today?”
God. Madeline blew out a long breath. “No.”
“It’s cold out here.” Caitlin rubbed at her arms. “Come on and let’s go get some tea—”
“We’re not friends.” Madeline turned on her, tension buzzing up her neck, her face burning. “I’m not going to have tea with you and confide all my problems to you so you can find a way to make it all better. Got that? So just go away, back to your perfect little life and leave me the fuck alone.”
“That’s good.” Caitlin arched one eyebrow. “Works every time, doesn’t it?”
“Obviously not.”
“Is that it? Are you just going to let him win?”
Him? Madeline glanced at her and scowled. “Don’t you mean ‘her’?”
“No.” Caitlin shivered, rubbing her arms again. The wind played with the edges of her hair, brushing her face with a few stray strands. “Allison is the type to do herself in. Plus Tick’s pissed off, so she doesn’t really stand a chance. He’s a bloodhound when he gets like this.” Caitlin jerked her chin toward the headstone. “I mean him. Are you going to let him win?”
Cold fury washed through her, a slide and fall of ice that froze everything. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You know nothing about my relationship with my father.”
“True.” Caitlin stamped her feet, an obvious attempt at keeping warm. “But don’t you think it’s telling that you’re here of all places?”
Madeline closed her eyes. If she ignored the Fed, maybe she’d go away.
“
My
father screwed up my head so badly, it’s a wonder I ever had any type of relationship with a man,” Caitlin said, her tone so conversational she might have been commenting on the antique wrought iron surrounding the Holton family plot. “My mother died when I was six, and he promptly sent me to boarding school. Whenever I came home, the story was always different. One time he’d love me and be glad to see me, the next he barely spoke to me. I was perfect, then I was nothing. Over and over and over again, until I spent more time trying to figure out how to make him love me than I did on anything else. It didn’t stop when he died, either. By then, I’d just expanded my repertoire, trying to be what everyone wanted me to be, their idea of perfect, because that’s what made people love you.”
“Looks like everything turned out okay.” Madeline flipped her hair over one shoulder.
“Oh, yes. After I threw away everything that mattered because I couldn’t believe in it, couldn’t believe it might be real.” Her soft laugh bubbled between them, a note of sadness in it. “Thank God Tick’s as stubborn as he is.”
“Is there a point to this?”
“Why are you out here?”
“I don’t know.” Madeline made a dismissive gesture. “Because there was…because…”
“Because you think there’s nowhere else to go.” Caitlin’s gaze remained steady on hers. “Except maybe Jacksonville, right? As soon as you can hit the road.”
Shaking her head, Madeline looked away.
“You can only hide so long, Madeline.” Caitlin’s voice gentled. “Sooner or later, you have to let go and let yourself believe.”
Madeline lifted both hands and let them fall to smack her thighs. “Believe what, Caitlin? Tell me that. What the fuck am I supposed to let myself believe?”
“That someone can accept you as you are. That he can love you and it won’t matter what happens because it’s not about how perfect or imperfect you are. Because it’s about you and him and what lies between you.” She smiled, although her eyes remained serious. “That the whole world could fall down and he’d still be there. Because he’s not your father and you don’t have to prove anything to him.”
“You don’t—”
“Know what I’m talking about.” She sighed. “Yes, I know. I’m wasting my breath because you can’t see what’s right in front of you. You’re going to walk away, no,
run
away. You’re going right back to the person you were the last time you ran because it’s safe and it’s easy and you don’t have to risk yourself. In the process, you’ll hurt yourself. And Ash. But you’ll tell yourself he’s better off and that he’ll forget. Except he won’t and neither will you. But that’s what you’re going to do, so why I’m even trying is beyond me.”
“You’re so wrong.” Madeline shoved her hands in her pockets, to warm them, not to hide the trembling. Bad enough her voice was shaking. “If I leave, it’s because…because…”
“Yes?”
“God, I
hate
you.”
“Yes, well, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve heard that.” Caitlin caught her gaze and held it. “We both know what you’re throwing away if you go. What have you got to lose if you stay?”
With a hard swallow, Madeline stared at her.
“Madeline. If you leave, it’s done. It’s over. You’ve lost. Now answer me. What have you got to lose if you stay?”
“Everything.” The whisper hurt. “Damn you, if I stay, I could lose everything.”
“But isn’t it worth fighting for? You’re not even trying, though. You’re just tossing it away, like it’s nothing. Like he’s nothing.”
“I’ve known him six days. You talk about this like it’s a done deal, forever and always and a fucking wedding ring.”
Caitlin’s lashes fell and she shook her head on a soft laugh that grated on Madeline’s last nerve.
“What is so damn funny?”
“Six days, huh? I’d known Tick three. We were at Quantico. I’d shown him up twice during training, and he’d been so easygoing about it. On the third night, we were all studying for some horrifically important test. He was explaining something to me and looked up with that grin, and I just
knew
. God, he scared the hell out of me. The more I got to know him, the worse the fear was. Because I wanted to believe in him and I just couldn’t.” Something wistful colored her voice. “I fought it. That worked for about, oh, nine years. We wasted a lot of time, and I hurt him terribly before it was all over.”
“That’s all fine and dandy, but—”
“You can drop the world-weary persona.” That knowing little smile, the one Madeline despised, curved Caitlin’s lips again. “It really doesn’t work with me.”
In her pockets, Madeline curled her fingers inward, until they bit at her palms. “Why are you doing this?”
“I like you and adore Ash, and anyone with minimal insight can see the potential between the two of you.” She flicked a glance at the headstone. “Maybe because you got the same raw deal I got when it came to father-daughter relationships. Maybe because at this point, you’re even more unhappy than I was without Tick, and no one should have to go through that. I at least had my friends, my grandfather and even Vince to turn to. The way I see it right now, you have no one. Is that what you want for the rest of your life? I’m not saying you have to open up to Ash and make something out of what you two have been building. But you’ve got to open up to someone. You can only do this by yourself for so long.”
Yeah, and “so long” seemed rapidly to be running out. God, she was tired. Tired of running, tired of holding herself away.
Madeline shot a hard look at her. “What did you mean, you hadn’t found what you were looking for,
either
? Looks like you have everything you ever wanted.”
“I never got the answers I wanted from my father. The whys of it all. I figured out later, thanks to a doctoral degree in psychology and well, being with Tick, that the whys really didn’t have anything to do with me. They were all about him, and there wasn’t anything I could have done to change him, to make him want me or love me the way I needed him to.” This time her smile was more genuine. She dared to nudge Madeline’s ribs with her elbow. “How do you think I knew where to look for you? Now how about that hot tea? I am freezing my ass off out here.”
“No thanks. Maybe another time.” What she was about to say made her want to throw up, the fear rising to choke her. “I need to go have a conversation with a man who can actually hear me.”
The room lay quiet around him. If only his mind could be still as well. Everyone was gone—Tick off running down leads, Rob and Vince on their way to Texas. The silence and his immobility offered too much time to think, to wonder if she’d go for good.
He’d bet money on it.
Because anyone knew an injured animal ran for cover. He was aware of no other sanctuary Chandler County held for her, other than him. If she hadn’t come to him, then he’d bet his next share of Henry’s quarterly profits she’d go.
He closed his eyes and let the drugged half-sleep take him. As the day wore on, weariness and anxiety had lessened his ability to deal with the waves of pain radiating out from his knee, and finally he’d succumbed to the need to simply make it
stop
.
For long minutes he floated in and out on swells of slumber. Footsteps pulled him from the restless sleep. He lifted heavy lids to find Madeline gazing down at him with a hesitant expression. Was she real? Or a longed-for figment of his drugged imagination? Painkillers fuzzed his brain, and he tried to formulate words.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, fingers wrapped tight around the bed rail. “That you had to deal with this, to hear everything.”
He laid his hand over hers and found warm skin under his fingers. She was real, thank God. “Did you ask her to put your name and information out there?”
“No.” Her expression horrified, she shook her head. “Of course not.”
“All right then.” He blinked rapidly, to clear the drowsiness still pulling at him. “It’s not your fault.”