She caught her breath on a choked sob, and Ash tucked her closer against him.
“I shut off the car, grabbed the keys and my handheld and went after him. The shots started before I even made it up the front steps. By the time I got inside, it was over and the suspect was out the back door. Jack was…he’d taken a blast to the chest from a sawed-off shotgun.” Tears leaked from beneath her closed lids. “I should have stopped him or insisted we take the other pair of detectives from our hot squad with us. My impulses put us there and Jack’s ended up getting him shot.”
“Babe, I don’t see how you can think that’s your fault. He made the choice to get out of that car, to go in without even you with him for backup.”
“I kept telling myself that, but I couldn’t let myself believe it. Blaming myself was easier than facing what I first thought when they told me he was dead… Do you want to hear the worst part?” she whispered.
“I’ll listen to anything you need to tell me.”
“For a second, I thought, ‘He did this on purpose.’ He’d talked about it, after Paula left, about eating his gun, and I told him that was the coward’s way out. We fought about it. He said…he said it was better than the way I lived, that he’d rather be dead than not living at all, and being without Paula made him feel that way. He couldn’t stand it. ”
“You can’t know for sure if he did or not, Madeline.” Ash swept a soothing caress down the length of her spine. “I do know this, though. You spent a lifetime punishing yourself, burying yourself in guilt for what happened with Tick, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let you spend another doing the same over this. Get mad at me if you want, darlin’, but he made those choices. Not you. No matter what happens tomorrow, I’m going to make sure you stay alive. Do you hear me?”
“I do.” She twisted to look at him in the gloom. She laid her hand along his jaw. “Thank you.”
He turned his head to press a kiss to her palm. “For?”
“Showing me how to live again.” Her voice broke, and he leaned in to kiss her.
“I didn’t do anything but love you.” He shifted, canting his injured leg to one side. “Go to sleep now, baby. Tomorrow could be a long day.”
Madeline stepped out of the station house into the cool winter sunlight. A bite of sea hung in the air, and she drank in a lungful as she hurried down the steps and to the small parking lot. She spotted Ash instantly, leaning against the hood of her car, arms folded over his chest.
He straightened as she approached. “How did it go?”
She smoothed her hair behind her ears, a new nervousness assaulting her. “I’m cleared for duty.”
His grin flashed. “That’s wonderful. I’m glad for you, babe.”
“Me too.” She scuffed her loafer against the asphalt. “Did you mean it, Ash?”
“Mean what?”
“That if I needed to be here, we’d find a way to make it work.”
“Of course I did. I mean, damn, I’d love to have you with me all the time, but I know how important what you do is.” He jerked his chin at her. “Get over here. We’ll work it out. I promise.”
Going into his easy embrace, she lifted her mouth to his. Their lips clung, the sweetness of the soft exchange leaving her breathless. She touched his chin. “If I stay here, that makes that whole ‘live with me and be my love’ kind of hard, doesn’t it?”
“Babe, life’s hard. You know that, but some things are worth working for.” He brushed a kiss over her wrist and she felt rather than saw his smile. “Besides, you’ll be my love no matter where you are.”
She held him tighter. “I’m very…blessed…to have you in my life.”
A laugh rumbled up from his chest. “We’re making progress, then.”
“What are you talking about, Hardison?” She leaned back to meet his gleaming eyes.
“You didn’t try to tell me you don’t deserve me.”
“You.” She rolled her eyes and he laughed again before he kissed her.
“We’ll be fine, Mad. We will. I’m pretty sure you’re gonna give me a hard time whenever you can. You’ll get scared and you’ll want to run, but you won’t.”
“How do you know?”
“Because you’re not the same old Madeline anymore, are you?”
Her breath caught. The same old Madeline would have been gone long ago. “No, I’m not.”
“That’s what I thought.”
With relief and joy burbling through her, she cast a teasing look up at him. “So, Hardison, do you like the new me?”
“Oh, babe.” Despite his slow grin, his eyes remained serious. “I love the new you.”
“Yes, you can.” Infinite patience colored his voice. She loved that about him, loved how he took everything in stride and never let it push him toward the deep end.
That was her territory.
She swallowed and swiped at her damp eyes. “What if—”
“Mad. Babe.” He swung the bathroom door open and leaned against the doorjamb, a long-suffering expression on his face. “Stop torturing both of us and just pee on the damn stick already.”
He made it sound so easy, like they weren’t talking about a life-altering event here. Puffing her cheeks with a long exhale, she shoved him toward the bedroom. “Fine. Get out.”
Long moments later, she opened the door to wave him back in. They leaned over together, attention fixed on the home pregnancy test lying atop the vanity. God, it took forever.
Madeline brushed back her hair and eyed the wash of pale pink moving through the indicator window. “How long is this supposed to take?”
Ash sighed, and she sensed him rolling his eyes. “Three minutes.”
“I can’t watch anymore.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “Tell me when it’s over.”
She counted to one hundred and fifty and cracked one eye. “Is it positive?”
“Look for yourself.”
Nibbling her lip, she opened her eyes and stared down at the test. One pink line.
“It’s negative.” She took a step back, a crushing sensation seizing her chest. Surely that wasn’t disappointment. Hell, she’d been freaking out for the last two days, since she’d skipped her period. What would she have done with a baby anyway? She should be relieved. Only the emotion coursing through her felt a lot like letdown. She threw back her shoulders and met Ash’s gaze. “That’s good, then.”
He crossed his arms over his chest and looked back at her.
“You’re not disappointed, are you?” She tucked her thumbs in the back pockets of her jeans. Finally, she caught her breath again, the smothering sensation receding.
He lifted one eyebrow. “Aren’t you?”
“Ash, come on. Us, with a baby?
Me
, with a baby? Be serious.”
“I am.”
She stared then lifted both hands, palms forward, as though warding off some evil force. “Oh, no. No. Definitely not.”
The fabulous grin she loved lifted the corners of his mouth. “I didn’t say a word.”
“Exactly. Just like you didn’t say a word about marriage and somehow I ended up married to you anyway.”
If possible, his eyebrow rose higher. “Are you complaining?”
“No, but—”
He smothered the protest, hooking a hand around her nape and pulling her in for a slow kiss, a smooth tangle of tongues and passion. She slipped her arms about his waist and leaned in. Oh, kissing this man was the best part of her day.
Loving this man, being his wife—which she’d been sure she couldn’t do—was the best part of her life.
He lifted his head to murmur near her ear. “You’d make an excellent mother.”
“Ash.” She rested her face against his shoulder. “Don’t do this. Don’t make me want it.”
“You already want it.” His deep chuckle rumbled beneath her cheek. “It’s all over your face, every time you’re with Lee or your nieces.”
She thumped a fist against his chest. “I hate when you’re insightful.”
“I know.” He kissed the curve of her neck. “Come on, Mad. Let’s give it six months with no precautions and see what happens.”
On a rough sigh, she let her head fall back. “Oh, all right.”
“Speaking of Lee”—Ash took advantage of her posture to nibble his way down her throat—“his daddy will be over here in a little while. We’re haying the north pasture today.”
“Sounds exciting.” She tiptoed her fingers down his chest.
“Sounds hot and sweaty,” he corrected, pulling her closer.
She leaned in to kiss the corner of his mouth, licking a little at his upper lip. “You like hot and sweaty.”
“I like hot and sweaty with you.” He dipped his hands to cup her ass and lift her into him. “Not Tick.”
Desire clenched low in her belly, trembling in a wet pulse between her thighs. “Do we have time for hot and sweaty?”
He backed up, pulling her toward their bed. “I’ll make time.”
Sitting on the side of the bed, Ash finished buttoning his shirt then leaned over to brush his lips across Madeline’s shoulder. Clutching the sheet to her bare breasts, she rolled to watch him. The sense of connection settled in her once more, bringing with it the precious certainty that this was the man she’d been destined to find, to love.
She reached for him, rubbed her thumb across his wrist. “I love you.”
The words didn’t come easily—they never did—but the sweet curve of his joyful smile made the effort worthwhile.
“I love you too, Mad.” He planted a hand on either side of her and kissed her, dipping his tongue between her lips in teasing strokes before pulling back with a rueful laugh. “I’ve got to get moving.”
She’d love nothing more but to keep him here with her, but the wish was impractical. Hay didn’t cut and bale itself. With a sigh, she slid from the bed and gathered her clothes while he stamped first one, then the other foot, into his boots. An engine purred to a stop outside as she tugged her T-shirt over her head. Slipping on her jeans, she frowned at Ash. “That doesn’t sound like Tick’s truck.”
He shook his head. “No, it doesn’t.”
Barefoot, she padded with him down the hall to the living room to see who their unexpected caller might be. On the porch, she halted and stared, surprise slithering through her.
Donna Martin walked up the narrow path to the front steps, sunlight shining off her red hair, a tentative smile trembling on her mouth. She stopped at the bottom of the steps and tucked her hands in her back pockets. “Hey, Maddie.”
“Donna.” She darted a quick look at Ash. He shrugged, brows lifted in a don’t-ask-me expression. “Hey.”
“I was wondering if maybe I could talk to you for a few minutes?” Donna worried at her bottom lip with her teeth.
“Sure.” Madeline half-turned and gestured toward the door. “Ash was just headed out to the pasture. Would you like some lemonade or tea or something?”
Donna came up one step, then another. “Tea would be good.”
Ash wrapped an arm around Madeline’s waist and leaned in for a quick kiss. “I’ll be back in a while.”
As he walked away, Madeline waved Donna up the steps. “Come on in.”
In the kitchen, she filled glasses with ice and tea, added lemon wedges. What was Donna doing here? They hadn’t spoken in months, since that day back in February, when Madeline and Tick had interviewed her about Kelly’s attendance at the party the night of her death.
She placed a glass before Donna at the kitchen island. “Here you go.”
Still biting her lip, Donna wrapped both hands around the glass. Madeline took the other stool and waited. Donna rubbed a finger in the trail of a condensation drop. “So I hear you’re working for the GBI now.”
“I am.” She loved it too, although when Tick had first broached the idea of her applying for the agent’s position, she’d thought he was crazy. She sipped her tea. “Donna, you didn’t come here to talk about my new job.”
Donna shook her head, glanced away, then turned fierce eyes in Madeline’s direction. “I don’t really know why I’m here except…except I keep having these dreams. About all of us. About Kelly.”
Madeline nodded and waited. Outside, a truck engine rumbled to a halt.
A shuddery sigh shook Donna’s shoulders, and tears glittered in her eyes. “I can’t stop thinking about that party. I knew leaving her with Allison was a bad idea. I knew it and I did it anyway because I didn’t want to be the one on Allison’s bad side. If I’d…if I’d done something, maybe Kelly wouldn’t have died, you know? I have this dream, that she’s under that house, but I helped put her there and—”
“Donna, don’t.” Madeline reached for her former friend’s hand. “What happened wasn’t your fault. It was Allison’s and it was Nick Hall’s. They’re paying for that.” After pleading guilty to murder, Hall was serving twenty-five years to life at Reidsville’s state prison, and Allison remained incarcerated in Lowndes County, awaiting trial on murder charges stemming from her first husband’s death. Madeline patted Donna’s wrist. “You can’t live your life blaming yourself, Donna. Doing that…it poisons things. It poisons you to the point that you might as well not live at all. You deserve better than that.”
Donna blinked tears away from the fringe of her lashes. “You’ve changed a lot, you know that, Maddie?”
“I don’t know if I’ve changed, Donna, or if my outlook changed.” Madeline shrugged. Through the window, she could see Ash in the field behind the house. Tick approached him with a grin and a handshake. Funny how things had come so far since she’d arrived in the winter. She’d wanted to be anywhere else then; now, she couldn’t imagine her life in any other setting.
Or perhaps, she couldn’t imagine her life with anyone else.
“Your outlook?” Donna drew in a shivery breath and dashed at a stray tear. “Like how you live your life?”
“Yeah.” Madeline smiled, pulling her gaze from the sunlight glinting off Ash’s sandy hair, a rush of love and acceptance washing through her. She squeezed Donna’s shaky fingers. “I finally learned how to forgive myself, how to live. Even more important, I learned how to love.”
“I knew I smelled something good.” Ash smiled at her from the doorway. The screen door vibrated to a close behind him, and he hopped on one foot, tugging off his sock. Dust and seeds covered his shirt and jeans, and a hay stem stuck straight up from his hair.
Madeline shook her head. “Soup and sandwiches. Nothing special.”
On his way to the laundry room, he dropped a kiss on her nape. “It’s always special when you cook, babe.”
Because she rarely did it. She swallowed the retort and cut the steaming grilled cheese in half. “What did I tell you about calling me ‘babe’?”
Chest bare, he stuck his head around the doorjamb. Devilment twinkled in the sea-green depths of his eyes. “I forget.”
“Keep it up. I’ll forget to make you a sandwich.”
He reappeared, clad in only his boxers. “So what did your friend Donna want?”
“I’m not sure I’d call her my friend, Ash.” Madeline laid the knife aside. What was Donna now? Maybe just another memory, something faded and frayed around the edges, a reminder of the desperate girl she no longer was?
He wrapped both arms around her waist and buried his nose in the curve where her shoulder met her neck. Smells of sunshine and hay and clean male sweat surrounded her. Heat from the line of his chest permeated her back. “What did she want?”
“Just to talk. About Kelly. About the past.” Leaning into him, she laid her palms over his wrists. An “I love you” lodged in her throat, and she swallowed. He deserved more, deserved everything she had to give him. “Ash?”
“Hmm?” He hugged her tighter and kissed the side of her neck.
“While we were talking, I looked out the window, and I could see you working. It hit me all over again, then, how special and…perfect…you are.” Tears burned behind her eyes, and she blinked hard. A tiny sob shuddered up from her chest. “How I wouldn’t have anything if it weren’t for you.”
“Hey, don’t do that. Don’t get upset.” He turned her in his arms and tugged her closer, so near she could see the fine pores of his skin, the even coating of dust on his face and neck. He lifted a hand to brush her hair behind her ear as her tears spilled over. “You’d have found your way, Mad, even without me.”
“No, I wouldn’t.” Gulping back a bigger sob, she bracketed his beloved face with her palms. “I don’t think you know how much I needed you, how much I needed that awesome patience of yours, so I could learn how to live. Without you, I didn’t even realize I wasn’t living my life, Ash.”
She lifted her mouth to his, kissing him, the sharp tang of dust and sweat mingling with the salt of her own tears. Breaking the kiss, he spread a hand over her back, urging her against him, holding her as if she was a treasure of great value. She folded her arms about his neck and clung.
“I love you,” she murmured, face pressed to his throat. Against her cheek, his pulse throbbed strong and sure, a steady thrumming she knew was meant solely for her, just as she knew her own beat only for him. “I know I don’t say it often enough or—”
“You don’t have to.” He whispered the words against her hair. “All I need you to do is live with me and be my love.”
Madeline smiled. “And all I need is you.”