Under My Skin (29 page)

Authors: Laura Diamond

Tags: #teen, #young adult, #death and dying, #romance, #illness and disease, #social issues, #siblings, #juvenile fiction

“Why do you believe her?” I ask.

“I just do.” Darby gestures to Shaw. “Maybe you should tell him what you told me, you know, about what happened when you were a kid.”

Tears form in Shaw’s eyes. She takes a drink of water. Her hand shakes so badly that she spills some water on the tray when she sets the glass down. “This isn’t easy. Guess I know what it’s like to be on the patient’s side now.” She clears her throat. “I suppose it’s best to simply say it. My mother died when I was young and her heart was donated. That’s why I went into this work, hoping it would help me process the loss and give me some closure. And I thought it had. But I think your case has affected me so deeply that I’ve been compromised. I haven’t thought clearly. And I’ve made too many mistakes because I’ve over identified with you. I just hope you can forgive me.”

Darby bites her lip, but she stays silent.

Another shiver works its way down my spine. “I thought you were trying to make me mad.”

A single tear rolls down her cheek. “That was never my intention.
Never
. I’m so very sorry to have put you through so much pain.”

God, she’s leaving me gutted. I press the heels of my palms to my eyes. Nothing’s inside my mind except for Shaw’s explanation. No voice hovers near my ear. It’s gone. My pulse rings steady. The pounding that had me convinced Shaw’s meds were killing me is no more. Shaw’s not lying. But still …

I lower my hands. “I don’t want any more of your meds.”

She wipes her cheeks. “You don’t have to take anything you don’t want to. In fact, I think you should start working with a different psychiatrist.”

“You need to tell my parents the truth. What you’ve done. That I’m not trying to kill myself.”

She scoots to the edge of the chair. Her fingers grip her knees so tightly that her knuckles are white. “Of course. I’ll tell them everything, with you present.”

Darby leans forward. “But she wasn’t trying to hurt you, Adam. She shouldn’t have to say that.”

I lace my fingers with hers. “You’re right. I know.” I look at Shaw. “I believe you. I’m angry with you, but I don’t think you’re trying to kill me anymore.”

She sighs with relief. “Good. I’ve been so worried.”

Shaw worried. Never thought I’d see the day. “I want to call Mum and Dad. They must be flipping out. I left home without telling them this morning.”

Shaw picks at a fingernail. “I kind of already told them.”

I raise an eyebrow.

“I figured they’d file a missing person’s report the second they realized you’d left the house. They know you’re here. They know we’re working things out. Yes, they were … ” she pauses, searching for the right term, “well, they were more than upset about you running away, but I’ve done a fair bit of work to smooth things over with them. They’re not mad at you, Adam. I made sure of that.”

Darby pats my hand. “It’s true. I listened to the conversation on speaker phone.” She snorts. “I thought they’d show up here anyway, even though they promised not to. They sounded that scared.”

My stomach knots up. “I feel like an idiot.”

Shaw tut-tuts. “It’s not your fault. Delusions are strong.” She stands. “And you’re not out of the woods quite yet. The medicine I gave you helped decrease the symptoms for a little while, but they may wax and wane. You still need treatment.”

I stare up at her. “When will this be over?”

“This is life, Adam. It isn’t over until it’s over.”

“So what do I do?”

“You live it one day at a time like the rest of us.” She extends a hand. “Can I bring you to the hospital now? We can call your mom and dad on the way. I’m sure they’d love to see you.”

I frown. “I don’t need to be admitted, do I?”

“No, but Doctor Jervis will want to see you and he can help recommend another clinician, if you don’t want me to refer you to someone.”

Darby stands. She’s not much taller than me sitting, even at her full height. “What do you say?”

“Other than I feel like an idgit?” I accept Shaw’s outstretched hand and get to my feet. “I say, let’s go to the hospital. I have a lot to talk to Mum and Dad about. They’ve been waiting a long time for me to open up to them.”

After Shaw calls Mum and Dr. Jervis, we head to the hospital. We’re quiet in the car. Darby sits next to me in the backseat, her hand eclipsed in mine. It feels so good holding onto her I don’t ever want to let go.

* * *

Unlike what Larry discovered in
The Razor’s Edge
, life isn’t about searching the ends of the earth for enlightenment. It isn’t about checking things off a Live Life List to make your parents (or your psychiatrist) happy. It isn’t about pondering, thinking, talking to the stars, or hesitating.

(It isn’t about worrying if you’re going to become a fictional monster in a horror gothic novel. Really, my imagination does have a tendency to run away from me. Looks like my new therapist and I will have a lot to work on.)

It’s about facing the truth. It’s about taking a chance on love, even if you’re not sure that’s what love is. I’m glad I’ll be finding it out with Darby.

Mum’s face is the first I see when we enter the hospital lobby. Her eyes apologize before she even says anything.

I stop her before she launches into a whole I’m-so-sorry-I-should’ve-listened-to-my-son speech. It’s unnecessary. I don’t stop her from fussing over me for the next couple of hours. She’s earned it. Even Dad pulls me in for a hug so powerful I thought he’d crush my ribs.

I do, however, launch into my own series of apologies to Mum and Dad, all spoken with Dr. Shaw, Dr. Jervis, and Darby present. In the end, we’ve aired everything out. Shaw described her role. I cringed at the idea of lapsing into insanity. Mum shed tears. Dad shook his head a lot. But the truth came out. No more secrets divide us.

And no one—including myself—thinks I’m suicidal. Because I’m not.

Dad has to break things up when Shaw and Jervis leave. “Come on, Lisa. Let’s give the kids some privacy for a few minutes. I’ll buy you some tea.” He hooks an arm around Mum’s waist.

Mum stares at me until the last possible moment as if breaking eye contact will make me disappear. She says, “I love you.”

Darby smiles sweetly at them, then rolls her eyes when they’re out of sight. “Overprotective much?”

I laugh, then wince. “Guess they have a reason to be.”

“I put them through the ringer.”

“Yep.”

“I did the same to you.”

Darby’s brow furrows. “Tell me about it.”

I reach out to her. “Thank you.”

She hesitates. “I’m so sorry. For ignoring you.”

“It’s okay. I’m sorry for scaring you.”

She crosses her arms. “You don’t have anything to apologize for. I was the one wigging out about you having Daniel’s heart. It wasn’t fair to you.”

I lower my hand. “If it’s any consolation. I was ‘wigged out’ too.”

The corner of her mouth ticks up. “That’s true.”

“I have something to say.”

She groans. “Don’t tell me you’ve been thinking again.”

I kiss her hand. “I hope you know I understand how precious life is. I want to respect your brother’s gift. I want to live. But I need your help. Can you teach me?”

She stares at our entwined hands, then her gaze darts to mine. Her crystal eyes steal my breath away. “I do a lot of stupid things.”

I scrunch down a bit so we’re eye to eye. “That’s part of life.”

“I’ll teach you how to live if you teach me how to think. I’m sure my parents will appreciate it. They may even be willing to pay you money for it.” She shrugs a shoulder. “Shaw and I talked to Mom and Dad while you were resting, but we all still have a lot of work to do.”

“It’ll take time,” I say.

“Yep.”

I toggle my lip ring. “I have an idea right now.”

She smiles. “Yeah?”

I press my forehead to hers. “Yeah.”

She nuzzles me. “I think I know what you’re thinking.”

I trace my thumb along her jaw and across her bottom lip. “We can teach each other, then.”

“Okay.”

I kiss her, hard and deep until my breath leaves me, until my thoughts float away, and until all that’s left is Darby and life.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

It takes a lot of people to write a book and I struggle with acknowledgements because I fear I will forget to mention someone!

Here are the highlights of folks who helped me bring this book to life, whether they helped me keep plugging along early in my journey or they helped directly with making Adam and Darby’s story shine.

First, I must thank my number one champion, Ronald Watson. Ron, you’ve kept me going even through the strongest temptations to quit. You helped ground me when I catastrophized. You always make me feel better about myself and my writing. And you always make me laugh. Thank you for your undying support; I really need it! PS: It’s your turn now—get on it, manager! ;)

Momma, you’re my
ultra
number one champion. You’ve always believed in me from day one. I know it’s your job, but I also know it’s genuine. So, THANK YOU for being the BEST MOM EVER. * hugs *

Thanks to Brenda Drake and #PitchWars. Without this, Adam and Darby would never have met the world. And thank you, Cole Gibsen, for taking me on as a mentee. I still feel SO blessed that you chose my book. WOOT! I learned a lot from you, lady.

I have long time friends/supports—too many to mention, really—but the folks who’ve stayed with me along the way since the beginning of my writing days include: Mary Lindsey, Lydia Kang, Sarah Fine, Jennifer Armentrout, Vicki Tremper, Amie Borst, Karen Bynum, Brinda Berry, Theresa McClinton, Lisa Amowitz, Jennifer Nelson, and a whole bunch of others. (I’m sure I’ll think of someone to add after this is published and I’ll think myself a total heel for a long time … )

Here’s a shout out for my work family. CIU, CIP, MCT, FS and Safety ROCKS! I’m a lucky gal to get to work with such talented, caring, devoted people. It really means a lot when you ask about my writing and when you show up to signings.

PS: High five Emily P. aka M. (or is it M aka P?)!!! #nerdsunite #youremindmeofthebabe

I’m extremely grateful for Georgia McBride who took a chance on Adam and Darby’s story. I remember getting teary eyed on the phone when she explained just how much she “got” the characters. It’s what every writer wants to hear. Thank you, Georgia.

Also thanks to the team at GMMG and Swoon Romance, for editing, proofreading, cover designing, etc.

Finally, thanks to my readers. This story is in your hands now. I hope you enjoy!

LAURA DIAMOND

Laura Diamond
is a board certified psychiatrist currently specializing in emergency psychiatry. She is also an author of all things young adult—both contemporary and paranormal. An avid fan of sci-fi, fantasy, and anything magical, she thrives on quirk, her lucid dreams, and coffee. When she’s not working or writing, she can be found sniffing books and drinking a latte at the bookstore or at home pondering renovations on her 225-year-old fixer-upper, all while obeying her feline overlords, of course.

OTHER SWOON ROMANCE TITLES YOU MIGHT LIKE

MY SENIOR YEAR OF AWESOME

EFFORTLESS WITH YOU

IN THE AFTER

RIVAL LOVE