Under the Hawthorn Tree (12 page)

‘Have you met his fiancée?'

‘No, she's from Wuhan, and her father has a powerful post. There's no way she'd come all the way out here. Take my advice, don't set your heart on Old Third. Forget him. In my experience the sons and daughters of officials are not available to people like us. Before my family was driven to the countryside I had a boyfriend whose father was a cadre – albeit not as important as Old Third's father, apparently he's military commander of a whole region. My boyfriend's father was just an officer in a regiment. But all official families are the same; they're educated, experienced, and well-connected. They needn't worry about finding good partners for their children. At first, my boyfriend's family didn't allow us to be together. Those families pay a lot of attention to background. My boyfriend insisted that I was a nice girl, but he hadn't the courage to make me one of his family. When he heard that my family were to be sent down, he panicked. But he wasn't very good at all that, and he broke up with me in the end. Thankfully I had kept control of myself and didn't allow him to come too close so I was able to marry someone else. Had I given everything to him, done things with him, the day he dumped me would have been my last.'

Jingqiu shook as she listened. ‘Why would it have been . . . your last?'

‘If a girl lets a boy get close and is then dumped, who's going to have her after that? Or if he discovers on your wedding night that you're not a maiden, he'll have his way but he won't respect you. Qiu yatou, you're much more attractive to the opposite sex than I was at that age; you're destined to have men pester you your whole life. If you don't hold steady, you'll be in trouble.'

Jingqiu was flustered. She knew that ‘sharing a room', and ‘sleeping together' were dangerous, but now she had to add ‘getting close' to the list of forbidden activities. When Old Third embraced her, did he ‘get close'? She decided to risk the question. ‘When you say let him . . . get close, what exactly do you mean?' She regretted asking as soon as she said it.

‘You are innocent, aren't you? It means sharing a bedroom, sleeping together, doing the things husbands and wives do.'

Jingqiu was two-thirds relieved. She hadn't shared a room with Old Third, and they hadn't slept together. The only thing she couldn't be sure of was whether they'd done the things husbands and wives do. But she couldn't continue asking for fear of arousing Yumin's suspicions. Why did a young girl like her want to know about this sort of stuff?

The next day she steeled herself to borrow money from her friends in the Educational Reform Association, explaining that she needed it to buy sugar for her mother, and Mr Lee and Mr Chen between them scraped together eighteen yuan to lend to her.

The evening that Auntie and the rest of the family returned home Jingqiu spied Old Third in the main room. She fetched her newly borrowed money and marched in, to find him sitting on a low bench with Huan Huan on his shoulders, playing affectionately. Old Third raised his head to say hello but she had no greeting for him, and instead dropped the money on his lap in an angry fashion, saying, ‘Thank you for buying the sugar for me. Check to see if this is enough.'

As the money fell into his lap, his face looked as if it had been branded with an iron. He didn't reach out to touch it. Feebly, he raised his head begging for an explanation.

Somehow, it seemed, she had the right to be angry with him. ‘Is it enough? If not, tell me, I'll get some more.'

‘How come suddenly you have enough to pay me back?'

‘I borrowed it from my association.'

‘If you have to borrow the money anyway, why ask them?' he said, injured.

‘I'll borrow from whoever I please. Thank you, on behalf of my mother.' She turned and went back to her room. She was trembling.

He followed her in and stood behind her. ‘What's happened? Tell me. Don't be like this, something must have happened. The day before yesterday everything was fine, and now you're like this? What's changed?'

‘What do you mean the day before yesterday? I've always said I don't want your money.'

‘Is it because I said I'd give you money, is that why you're so angry now? You said you didn't want it, and I didn't insist. I know you're proud, and don't want to accept other people's help, but you . . .. you shouldn't think of me as . . . just anyone.'

She said nothing, but her mind churned: You're a con artist, the words flow like honey from your mouth. If I hadn't found out the truth, you would have fooled me again. You tricked me, and you'll trick others. Someone as upright as Lin wouldn't trick people.

Without turning around she said, ‘Don't stand there. Go. I want to write.'

She could feel he was still standing behind her but still she didn't turn to look at him, and trembling, picked up her pen to write. After some time she sensed that he had gone, turned, and indeed found the room empty. She felt deflated. She had been convinced that he would stand a little longer, or perhaps keep standing there, forever. No, what was wrong with her? She'd forget him, yes, forget him, think of him no more. It would be easy. She already found it easy to speak to him in brutal tones. Whenever he looked back at her with those wretched eyes she was resolute and unmoved. But she was resentful. How could he do this? I only said those few words, and he's run off?

Then she thought her behaviour disgraceful. She told herself off now. He's good to you, afraid of making you angry, and you purposefully hurt him in such a cavalier manner, and worse of all, you only regret it now he's run off? She scolded herself and pretended to go round the back to see if he really had left. She passed through the main room and kitchen on her way; he wasn't in either. She listened carefully, but she couldn't hear his voice. He really had gone. Dejected, she continued searching, desperate now to find him.

He was in the mill, turning it as Auntie fed it. As soon as she saw him, knew that he hadn't left, the confusion fell away and distrust engulfed her again. Under her breath she cursed him as ‘a cheat', turned, and went back to her room.

For the next few days she ignored him. He tried to find chances to speak to her and ask her what was going on, but she wouldn't reply, until eventually she snapped, ‘Deep down you know your own actions, good or otherwise.'

‘I don't understand,' he pleaded. ‘Tell me, what exactly have I done?'

She ignored him, and went to her room to pretend to write. She knew he wouldn't leave in anger, so she became impudent and was even colder with him, giving him no explanations. She let him sweat. For some reason this was her right, to torment him. Was it because she could? Or was it because he had taken advantage of her, that day on the mountain? Was she punishing him?

By the time the Educational Reform Association was ready to return to Yichang, Jingqiu realised she still had the problem of how to get the walnuts home. She knew she didn't want Lin to take them, still less Old Third. She couldn't look to her group to help her as they were all carrying luggage – it was bad enough with your own stuff. Who would have the strength to help her carry a basket of walnuts?

‘Let Lin take them,' Yumin suggested. ‘He rarely gets to go to Yichang, it'd be fun for him. If you want, we can ask my father-in-law to send Lin on a work trip. He can be sending off your group, and could even get work points from the brigade for it.'

Jingqiu thought this suggestion sounded even worse. Dragging Mr Zhang into it would make her into even more of the daughter-in-law.

It was only on the day before she was due to leave and Fang had returned from Yanjia River that Jingqiu was saved from her predicament. Fang would send the group off, but as she couldn't carry the basket herself, Lin would come too to help in that capacity. Their primary task was to accompany the group to the city, and it just so happened they could also help with Jingqiu's walnuts. Fang said she had long been wanting to go to Yichang, but she hadn't had anyone to go with before. Now was her chance. Auntie and Yumin also had a few things they wanted Fang to buy in the city. Jingqiu couldn't think of a better solution, and realising that this arrangement would be a good way of punishing Old Third, she agreed.

Lin was extremely excited, as was Auntie. She gathered together his best clothes and taught him all the appropriate etiquette she could think of for his trip away from home. She instructed him to call Jingqiu's mother ‘teacher', and not to stand around like a lump of wood. When eating he should chew carefully and swallow slowly, and not eat as if he'd just been let out of the workhouse. His walk should be light and his arms should swing gently by his side, and he shouldn't ram into things. Each possible situation and potential event – no matter how big or small – was explained and re-clarified. It was as if she was dying to go in his place herself.

In the evening Old Third came to visit. The whole family was animated and nervous, adding the finishing touches to their preparations for Lin's trip. Auntie and Yumin tipped the walnuts into a bag, and added some dried string beans, dried cabbage and dried salt vegetables as presents for Jingqiu's family.

Jingqiu became more anxious as the preparations became more complex, far exceeding her expectations. She tried to explain that it was just brother and sister coming to visit Yichang, and to help bring the walnuts, but the others were acting as if Lin was preparing to leave home for the first time to meet his new parents-in-law. She wanted to stop the whole trip but she couldn't get the words out; it was too difficult to turn down an offer made with such warmth, it would be like punching a smiling face, and how could she do that? Auntie hadn't told Lin to call her mother ‘mother-in-law', after all, but just ‘teacher'. And after living for so long with Auntie's family, how could she refuse to let her son and daughter visit?

Old Third was lost and unsure as everyone busied themselves, his expression changing only when he heard that Lin was to go with Jingqiu to Yichang. He froze to the spot, still in the midst of the whirl of activity.

Jingqiu looked at him, and a certain sense of satisfaction at his distress came over her. If you're allowed a fiancée, am I not allowed someone to lend me a hand? She had been regretting allowing Lin to bring the walnuts, afraid of the extra trouble it would cause, but now she could see the decision was an excellent one. It was the perfect form of retaliation.

‘Do you have an extra travelling bag?' Yumin asked Old Third. ‘One that he can carry in his hand is fine. He won't look presentable in the city without a bag.'

He hesitated, then said, ‘I have one I use when going away. I'll bring it over.' It was a long time before he returned with a couple of bags, and giving one to Lin said, ‘Can you carry it all on your own? If not, I can come tomorrow and help. I've got the day off.'

‘I can carry them, didn't I bring that basket of walnuts back from my aunt's house, after all? Not only can I carry the walnuts, I can also help them with their bags. You don't need to come.'

Old Third glanced over towards Jingqiu, as if asking for an invitation. She dodged his gaze and returned to her room to collect her things. Old Third followed her in, asking: ‘Is there anything I can do to help?'

‘No.'

‘Why did you ask Lin? If he goes, he'll miss work. I've got the day off tomorrow – why don't . . .'

‘Forget it, it's too much bother.'

He stood to the side, mute, responding only after watching her trying to stuff her things into an army shoulder bag. ‘I brought a few bags with me, do you need one?'

‘No. I'll go back with the same bag I arrived with.'

He continued to watch as she crossly squashed her things into the bag. ‘When you get back please tell your mother from me that I hope she gets better soon.' After some moments of silence he added, ‘Tell me as soon as she's finished the sugar and I'll get some more.'

‘Thank you, but there's no need.'

‘But your mother must get better as soon as possible!'

‘I know.'

After another period of silence he said, ‘Come back when you get the chance. Come see the hawthorn flowers in May or June.'

That first day, when we met, he invited me to come see the flowers then too. She had been certain she would return to see them, but now she didn't know how to answer. Somehow, the hawthorn flowers had lost their meaning. She was downcast at the thought of leaving this place, she didn't want to go, even with this cheat standing before her. She looked at him, and saw the same sadness in his face, the face that once she said goodbye to she would never see again.

The two of them stood in silence, until she said, ‘If you stay here Fang won't dare come in to go to bed. Go back.'

‘OK, I'm going.' But he didn't move. ‘You're about to leave, and you still won't tell me why you're angry with me.'

She didn't answer, her throat choked with rising sobs.

‘Have you . . . said yes?' he asked.

‘Said yes to what?'

‘The thing with Lin.'

‘None of your business.'

Old Third paused to regain his composure. ‘When I went to get my bags just now I wrote you a letter, to make my feelings clear.' He dropped the letter on her table, his eyes lingered on her, and then he left.

Jingqiu looked at the letter, which was folded into the shape of a dove. This must be a break-up letter because he wrote it when he knew Lin was coming with me. What else would he be saying? She didn't have the courage to open it, but stared at it instead, hating him.

She also wanted to write him a letter, to have a go at him. She grabbed the letter, wanting to see what he had to say for himself. It was short:

Tomorrow you're going and Lin is going to accompany you, so I won't. You've made your decision, and I respect that, but I only hope it came from your heart. You've got real artistic talent, but you were born at the wrong time, and so cannot let it run free. Don't underestimate yourself. You must believe, ‘If heaven made me I must be of use.' One day, your talents will be recognised.