Under the Moon's Shadow (30 page)

“What’s wrong?” Sharon asked.

Beth shook her head, walked over to the kitchen island and picked up a folded dish towel. “I don’t know. I feel like ... I guess it’s like I’m looking in from the outside. I know this is my apartment, but I don’t feel me here anymore. Does that make sense?”

“It does. It’s a form of disassociation, and it isn’t uncommon at all for someone who has gone through what you have. The way our minds defend us sometimes is to remove ‘us’ from situations we aren’t ready to handle emotionally.”

Beth nodded and walked to the door of the dining room, gazing in, but seeing nothing. “Will it go away? Will I get myself back someday? I’m looking around this apartment where I’ve spent so much time. It’s my home, for crying out loud, and I don’t feel connected to any of it.” She walked into the living room and picked up a delicate gilded vase. “This was my grandmother’s. Her grandmother gave it to her. When Grandma died, my grandfather gave it to me. I know that intellectually, but I don’t care.” She carefully sat the vase back on its shelf. “It’s like it belongs to someone else. Am I always going to feel that way?”

Sharon was silent for a moment before answering. “I don’t know, Beth. I think a large part of that is going to be up to you. Some aspects of your life from before the attack may just be too traumatic, too scarring for you to embrace again. Other aspects will return in time. I’m sorry I can’t give you a more definitive answer,” she said.

Beth’s expression conveyed more sadness than she realized. “I understand why you can’t. I’m definitely not comfortable enough to come back here and stay, not yet. Guess I’m stuck rooming at the farm for a little while longer.” She headed toward the door, ready to go. As they stepped out into the hall and Beth turned to lock the apartment up, another thought occurred to her, and she asked Sharon about it as they walked back to the elevator.

“I’m supposed to go back to work next Monday. What are the chances I’ll feel, or not feel, the same way about work?”

“Unfortunately, there really isn’t any way to know that ahead of time. How do you feel about going back to work right now?”

As they got into the car, Beth answered. “I have mixed feelings, I suppose. I’m excited because I just want my life to get back to normal, and I want to have something to focus on instead of just wandering around between PT appointments and sessions with you. No offense. At the same time, though, I dread going back and seeing everyone, having to face them. I worry that they’ll treat me differently.”

“Well, there’s a good chance they will treat you differently, at least at first,” Sharon told her as she guided the car back to her office. “They’re going to be just as worried as you are, not knowing what to say, what to do. They won’t want to hurt you. Try to keep that in mind, and things might go a little easier come Monday.” She parked in the driveway beside the house, and they sat there for a minute, neither woman moving to open her car door.

“How do I get myself back, Sharon?”

The therapist shook her head. “You will never be the same person that you were before, Beth. Don’t even try to reach that goal. Good, bad, or ugly, you will never look at the world the same way again. Keep yourself focused on dealing with the issues that haunt you, and the rest will come with time. You’ll look in the mirror one day and recognize the person looking back at you. Beth Hudson is still in there,” she said as she pointed to Beth’s head. “You just have to give her a chance to heal enough to come back out. Make sense?”

“Makes sense. Do I need to come in, or does Teresa already have me booked in for Thursday?” Beth headed toward the Beast, and Sharon walked with her to the end of the driveway.

“You can come in, or I’ll have her give you a call to confirm, however you’d like to handle it.”

“Just have her call me then, if you don’t mind. I need to go, just drive around for a while.” Saying goodbye, she pulled out onto the street and tried to decide which direction she wanted to go. Driving had always been a refuge for Beth, but no matter how much she drove lately, she couldn’t seem to quell the restlessness that plagued her. When she reached the on-ramp to the interstate, she decided to head north and see where she ended up. It was a long shot, but maybe today she would be able to outrun her demons.

Chapter Forty

Sampson was waiting for Beth at her desk the following Monday morning. “Are you ready for this, young lady?”

Her smile trembled, but was genuine. “I think so. We’d better head upstairs or we’ll be late.”

As they ascended the stairs, her nerves fluttered in her stomach like a thousand angry butterflies. Her grandfather reached out and opened the door to the board room, and she walked in ahead of him. She stopped in her tracks when she was met by a loud round of applause, cheers, and whistles.

The majority of the staff of the newspaper was present, and they all had huge smiles on their faces. As tears blurred her eyes, Vanessa hurried up to her and enveloped her in a tight hug, followed by several more co-workers. After a few minutes, Marshall loudly cleared his throat as he walked through the crowd to where Beth stood. He pulled her in for a bear hug and gave her a quick buss on top of her head, then let her go and turned to address the staff.

“Okay, let’s break it up, people. We’ve got work to do, show’s over.”

Before long, the Monday morning staff meeting was underway. Beth looked around at the familiar faces, and felt most of her nerves fade away. She was glad to be home.

~ * * * ~

After the meeting, Marshall called Beth into his office. She shut the door and took a seat as she smiled fondly at the man sitting behind the desk. He smiled back at her for a moment, then turned to business.

“I’m starting you out light, Hudson. Are you going to be okay with that?”

“I’m fine with that. I’m not quite ready to get out there and cover the kinds of stories I usually handle.” When he looked at her with concern, she tried to explain. “I’m ready to come back to work. I would just prefer to ease back into it, not jump in with both feet. My life has been plenty exciting the last few weeks, and I’m still feeling my way.”

He grunted, satisfied with her explanation. “Just let me know when you are. Until then, you had better take it easy. I don’t want to be responsible for putting you back in the hospital.” He picked up his glasses, dismissing her. Beth gave him a mock salute and stood.

“One more thing,” he said quietly as she opened the door. “It’s good to have you back. It hasn’t been the same without you.”

Beth felt her eyes smart with tears, which she quickly blinked back. “It’s good to be back.”

Chapter Forty One

As desperate as she was for things to return to normal, Beth was beginning to fear they never would. For the first couple of weeks after she returned to work, she stuck with the lighter lifting - stories that were important, but didn’t require the energy and in-depth research larger articles or lead stories called for. She had spoken with Marshall after her third staff meeting back and told him she was ready to take on a larger assignment, but he had disagreed.

Beth was astonished. “Why not? I want to get back in the trenches, so to speak. I’m eager to do my job, Marshall.”

“Beth, you’ve been an asset to this paper since before you were old enough to work here legally, but right now you are not ready to go back to your regular assignments. I respect you and care about you enough to tell you that up front.”

His assessment had floored her. “Why do you say I’m not ready?”

He ran his hands over his face and leaned back in his chair for a minute before answering. “You’re heart isn’t in this job right now. You’re operating on autopilot, and I think we both know that. The stories you’ve produced the last couple of weeks - they’ve been good, but that’s all. From anyone else, I’d be pleased well enough, but from you I expect more.”

Beth just looked at him, not sure what to say.

“I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, honey, but I’m not going to lie to you. I think you’re rushing things, and I’m not going to let you do that at the expense of the paper. Until I think you’re ready, you’ll stay on the easier assignments.”

She was flabbergasted. After a minute of stunned silence, she stood up slowly. “Well, then. I see. Thanks for being honest with me.” She left without another word. Turning, she headed to the door that led onto the roof. Once outside, she went to the side of the building that paralleled the river and watched as a towboat pushing a chain of barges slowly made its way upstream. The water churned and roiled behind the boat as it passed. She felt a similar turmoil in herself, disturbed and angry, fighting against something that was determined to cut through her. Finally feeling the cold, she turned and went back in.

Downstairs, she grabbed her bag and coat and left without saying anything to her co-workers. After getting into the Beast, she pulled out onto the road and headed down the highway that ran next to the river, away from Leroy. The further away from town she drove, the more the tension inside her eased. Checking her gas gauge, she was glad to see the tank was more than half full. She kept driving, letting her thoughts roam wherever they wanted, not focusing on any one thing in particular. Maybe if she didn’t dwell on her problems for a while, they would leave her alone.

~ * * * ~

Beth drove for more than an hour before she decided to pull over. Seeing a small park ahead, she gave her signal and turned into the deserted parking lot. She turned the motor off and sat watching the waters of the Ohio River roll by. A few late-afternoon rays peeked through the clouds, glistening on the peaks of the current. A cold wind buffeted the SUV, shaking the vehicle, but she hardly noticed.

As she thought about what Marshall had said, about her not being ready to handle the harder stories, she conceded that he had been right. His decision hadn’t been based on anything personal. It was simply the unvarnished truth. Since she had returned to work, she really had been on autopilot, unable to feel the emotional attachment to her subjects most good writing called for. It was yet another example of the disassociation that continued to haunt her.

She had brought the subject up at her most recent counseling session, and Sharon had asked her whether the distance had begun before or after the shooting. Beth hadn’t been able to answer her at the time, but as she sat in the park with no one around, she realized that the shooting had not been the catalyst for her detachment. She already had started withdrawing before then, and if she were being honest, she hadn’t really been happy for quite some time, a fact she had never acknowledged, even to herself.

She wasn’t sure how much longer she would have sat there watching the river, lost in thought, if her phone hadn’t trilled when it did. She stared at the device for a moment, not wanting to answer. When she saw her mother’s number on the display, she reluctantly picked it up.

“Hey, Mom. What’s up?”

“Honey, where are you?” Jackie’s concern was evident in her voice. “The Ladies’ Business League meeting started ten minutes ago.”

Beth closed her eyes and groaned. She had completely forgotten about the monthly meeting.

“I’m sorry, Mom. I lost track of the time. I’m afraid I’m going to miss this one.”

There was a pause on the other end of the line. “Beth, you sound odd. Is everything okay? Where are you?”

“I’m okay, I’ve just been thinking about some things. I took a drive, and I went a little further than I intended to. I’ll head back now. I’ll see you at supper, okay?”

Jackie’s tone suggested she wasn’t satisfied with the answers, but she let it go after making Beth promise to call her if she made any detours. As she started the engine, she was surprised to notice how cold it had gotten inside the vehicle. She tossed the phone into the seat beside her and ran her hands into her hair. Her mouth tightened as she felt the short strands, and she gave an almost violent tug at the omnipresent reminder of the shooting. Pulling out of the parking lot and heading back toward Leroy, she was struck with the epiphany that the only time she felt any less fractured was when she was away from town. It wasn’t a good realization.

Chapter Forty Two

The weather had cleared by Saturday afternoon, and the day was bright and sunny. Earlier in the week, Beth had moved into her parents’ guest house that sat across the pool from the farmhouse. Unable to continue living in her apartment at the moment, she had decided to sublet it, leaving the unit furnished. Her parents had offered the small house as a solution and she had accepted, but only with the understanding that she would pay them rent for the duration of her stay. They hadn’t wanted to agree, but she had insisted, and they had finally given in. As the guest house was furnished with the basics, all she had to pack and bring from her apartment were her personal belongings and her office furniture.

Dressed in jeans and a heavy sweatshirt, she was helping her brothers move the patio furniture into the storage room on the back side of the garage. She had gotten the all-clear from her doctor the week before to return to normal activities, with an admonition to take it slowly if she needed to. Since her drive on Monday, she had been filled with restless energy, and she was glad to have some physical labor on which to expend it.

As they finished hauling the tables and chairs inside, Sampson came outside with cold drinks for everyone. As he handed one to Beth, he spoke. “Feel like taking a walk with an old man?”

She raised her eyebrows. “No, but I could take one with you. Where are we heading?”

“How about down to the pond?”