Undescribable (41 page)

“I know.”

He puts his head down and sighs. “It’s just….” He runs a hand through his hair, sighing.

“You can tell me, baby”

He takes in a deep breath. “It’s just that I feel like you don’t need me. Fuck, I sound like a girl.” He laughs at himself. “It’s just that I’m supposed to protect you and take care of all the heavy stuff. I should have been the one you called. I want you to call me for help, no matter what time it is, or how little the problem is. Any other girl would have called her boyfriend.”

“Come here.” I scoot over so he can get in bed. I lay down and he lies next to me as I pull the sheets up to our necks. “I do need you, all the time.” I rub a foot up and down his leg as he smiles. “But what I don’t need is a father. This relationship will never work if you try bossing me around.” He nods his head as his hand comes up to cup my breast. I moan as his mouth finds mine.

He rolls on top of me as he pulls away from my mouth, trailing kisses down my neck to my chest. He removes his hand as his mouth replaces it, causing me to cry out as his mouth closes over my nipple. I lift my chest up to him and wrap my hands around him, scraping my nails down his back. He pulls away and pins my hands down on either side of my head, sending shocks through my body.

His blue eyes look into mine. “Tell me.” He’s breathing just as heavy as I am. I know what he wants to hear.

“I need you.” I lean my head up to try to kiss him, but he pulls back.

“Again.’’

“I need you. Slade. Please.” I lift my hips up to him. I can feel his hard erection just sitting between my legs.
God, I can’t get enough of him!
I was never like this with Jax. We had sex three times a week, max. I could have sex with Slade three times a day and it still wouldn’t be enough.

He lets go of my wrists and I push him off of me and on to his back. I start to kiss my way down his hard sculptured chest as he tangles his hands in my hair.

“Fuck, I love when you put your lips on me.” He arches his body up as I kiss my way down his happy trail. I take his hard length in my hand, my fingers not even touching he’s so big.

“I need you,” I whisper. My tongue darts out and I lick up the length of him as he moans with pleasure. “I need to taste you,” I take him in my mouth.

“Fuck!”

I look up the length of his body. His head is back, his eyes are closed, and his chest is rising and falling fast. I pull away just a bit as I continue to watch him. “I need you inside of me.” I take him in my mouth again.

“Angel,” he pants as his hands in my hair start controlling my mouth. “God. I can’t get over how good your mouth feels.” He pumps his hips as I continue to suck on him. “Hot...wet...”

I continue to pleasure him until he comes. I lick my lips as I sit up, then crawl and straddle his hips. I lean over as I spread my hands wide over his smooth chest. My hair falls over the side of my face onto his chest.

“I need you to trust me, Slade.” He opens his eyes to look at me. “I need you to trust my judgment. I need you to trust me that I know what I can and can’t do.”

He raises his hands and brushes my hair to the side as he places his hands on my face. “I know what you just did.” A slow and sexy smile spreads across his face. “And although it felt amazing, it’s not going to work.”

My face hardens. “Slade,” I say, rather annoyed.

“Look, it’s not that I don’t trust your judgment, or that you can’t take care of yourself. The fact is, I want to take care of you.” He throws his head back, closing his eyes and makes a sound of frustration.

“It’s not your job—”

I squeal as he picks me up and lays me down next to him with our faces inches apart.

He runs his thumb back and forth over my bottom lip. “You have had to take care of yourself since your dad passed. I know you can do it and that you’re strong, but can’t you put enough trust in me and allow me to take care of you now?”

I feel my throat start to close up. “I can’t do that,” I whisper.

“Why not?” His brows furrow.

I can’t pretend anymore. I need to tell him what I’m feeling, no matter how much it hurts us. “Because I’m afraid.”

“Of what, Angel?” He runs his hands through my hair.

“Of us. If I let go...” I swallow. “Where will I be when this is over. I’ll be a wreck and—”

“I don’t want this to end.” He leans up on an elbow “I know you have feelings for me, and I know you are trying to figure those feelings out, and that’s okay. I will give you all the time you need. I will prove to you that I want this. Us. I will wait for you, Angel, because you are worth waiting for. No matter how long the wait is, I will be right here with you, for you.”

I don’t think I can breathe. I love him, I know that. The question is, should I? I look up in those blue eyes and I can see he’s telling the truth. Holly was right; he does love me. I look away from him and look to the ceiling.

“Angel?” I know he’s worried. I can tell by his voice, but I can’t look at him. Those eyes will make me say something that I may end up regretting in the end.

I sit up. The room is spinning and my body feels rigid. I need some time. I just need a few moments without him. I haven’t spent one day without him in over a week. Maybe some time away will be good for us.

I get out of bed and he doesn’t follow me. He continues to lay there, giving me my space. I go to the closet, get dressed, and throw my stuff in my bag, then go to get my stuff out of the bathroom.

I walk out of the bathroom to see him standing by his bed with a sad look on his face. I feel awful and my heart is breaking. I just need to realize what my feelings mean to me. It took me a long time to fall for Jax, I have fallen head over heels for Slade very quickly, and that thought terrifies me.

I take a deep breath and walk over to him. “It’s not over. I just need some time to think, just time to be alone.”

He reaches down and grabs my free hand, lifting it to his mouth and giving it a soft kiss. “Okay, Angel. I’ll be here when you’re ready.” He drops my hand and pushes a piece of hair behind my ear.

I turn around and walk out of his room as a tear slides down my face.

What in the hell am I doing?

Why do I feel so torn?

Why can’t I let him take care of me?

I know the answer to that. If I give up everything to him, I will have to start all over when he leaves me. I will be that same weak girl lying on the floor of her bedroom dorm crying. Crying for someone to want her, crying for someone to need her. I don’t want to go back there. Slade would take my heart, and I would never get it back. I would be a shell of a person without him.

I walk in my house and go straight to my room. I get undressed and pull his shirt out of my closet and lay in bed. I’m exhausted. I need some rest and some time to clear my head.

I let the tears fall on to my pillow. Isn’t love supposed to happen and you live happily ever after?

I close my eyes and all I see is his soft face, telling me he will wait. I don’t want him to have to wait for me.

With a shaky breath, I close my eyes tighter and drift off to sleep.

What the fuck was I thinking? When I woke up and she wasn’t here, I thought something serious had happened to her. Then, when I found out she was okay but hadn’t called me, I freaked. I know I shouldn’t have yelled at her, or cussed her out in Larry’s parking lot. She didn’t deserve that.

I had sat in my office after she told me she was tired and was going to go to sleep, thinking how awful I had been and how I needed to apologize. Then, when I walked in my room to tell her I was sorry, I saw her sleeping on her stomach and I needed her. I needed to feel her under me. I needed to be balls deep inside of her. I needed to feel in control again. And let’s face it, sex is the only place she doesn’t mind giving me all control.
And it was fucking amazing!
I had cuddled up with her and fell asleep, thinking everything was great again. I had planned on apologizing for everything after our nap, but I opened my mouth, and fucked things up all over again.

I run a hand through my hair and sit down on the side of the bed. How could this have happened? I thought letting her know how I felt would be a good thing. That it would reassure her of how much I love her. How could I have been so wrong? Once again, she tensed up and closed off. I can’t figure out if it’s her past that’s holding her back, or mine.

I lay back on the bed. I have never felt this confused. I have never been in a situation where I couldn’t figure out a solution. Then again, I don’t have much experience in the relationship department.

Is this what a broken heart feels like? Like your heart is being ripped out of your chest, and you can’t breathe without it hurting?

I wish she would open up and tell me what I can do to fix it. She told me she was afraid of where she would be when this ended. She obviously thinks that I don’t love her that much.

My phone rings, interrupting my thoughts. The display tells me it’s Josh, so I hold it until it quits ringing, then put it on silent and lay it back down.

I need to get up and do something. I let my eyes look around the bathroom as I enter it to see all her stuff no longer there. It makes my heart clench in my chest. It’s only been twenty minutes. What if her needing space ends up being days? Or weeks even?

I could tell by the look on her face that she didn’t want to leave. I saw the tear in her eye before she turned to walk out. Why won’t she just give in and let herself love me? She is everything I never knew I wanted. How do I show her I can be everything she needs?

I walk back into the room and pick up my phone. I throw it on the bed, frustrated with myself.
Did I really just check my phone to see if she has called or text me already?
She is stubborn. The most stubborn woman I have ever met. And I know no matter how much she wants to be with me, she will fight it. I’m not as strong as she is. I need her, and I will not be able to hold out seeing her as long as she can me.

I lay back down on the bed. I can still smell her and it makes me not want to breathe. I can still picture her laying there with her hair wild over her pillow and I close my eyes. How do I live without her now that I’ve had her? How do I get her to come back to me, now that she knows what I want from her?

I open my eyes and jump out of bed. I need a beer, or two. I walk myself to the kitchen and open the fridge. Pulling out a beer, I turn and look to the garage door.

I reach down and turn the knob. My car is the only one sitting there. That knot in my stomach comes back, knowing she is out there driving that little car of hers around.

I slam the door. I need to get my mind off of her. When she’s ready, she’ll come back and I will be waiting for her just like I said. But what do I do in the meantime to keep my mind off of her?

Going to the gym will do me some good. While I drive there, my mind stays on Angel. Since she called my cell phone, I’m always having to ask myself what to do when it comes to her. I’m always afraid that something I say or do will be the wrong thing and that it will jeopardize us.

I park outside of the gym and look down at my phone. I usually work out with Josh, but I’m just not in the mood to be around anyone right now. I don’t want to have to explain what I’m feeling, or why she said she needed time. I take a deep breath and get out of the car, putting my phone in my pocket. There’s no way I am letting it out of my sight. I don’t want to miss it when she does call.

I walk in and go straight to the locker room. I grab a fresh towel and head out to the floor.

“Slade.”

I turn around to look at a girl I don’t recognize. I turn around and continue walking over to the free weights.

“You are Slade, aren’t you? My friend Caroline has spoken of you before.”

I don’t recall a Caroline, so I continue to ignore her. Maybe she will go away.

“Anyway,” she continues as if I’m holding up my end of this one sided conversation, “do you want to get together later? We can do dinner or—”

Shit
. She didn’t waste any time, did she? “Not interested.” There is no way in hell I’ll fuck up what I have with Angel. She may not be ready to admit to herself that she loves me, but I sure as hell know that I love her.