Undescribable (42 page)

“Oh.” She can’t hide the surprise in her voice. “Well, we don’t have to do dinner. We can just go to my house or yours. It doesn’t matter to me.”

I shake my head as I turn around to face her. “I’m with someone. Like I said, I’m not interested.”

She puts her hands on her hips and gives me a playful smile. “I’ve heard about you. You don’t do anything more than a one night stand.”

I’m really tired of all these bitches thinking they know me just because one of their friends I once fucked told them something. I didn’t fuck every girl that wanted me. I fucked the girls that I wanted. There
is
a difference.

“If I wanted you, I would have already had you,” I say with a tight smile. I turn around to walk off, when she grabs my hand. I yank it out of her grasp in record time. “Leave me the fuck alone. I’m in a relationship.”

She frowns. “I’m sorry. I thought you were joking about being with someone.”

“Why would I lie about that? If I wanted to fuck you, I would, right here. I wouldn’t make up some excuse. But I don’t. I want nothing to do with you. So, once again, leave me the fuck alone.”

“Well, one thing’s for sure. You’re an ass! I feel sorry for whoever you’re with.” She turns and walks away with a scowl on her face.

I sigh as I sit down on the bench. That was really shitty of me to talk to her that way. I just needed to understand that I was being serious, I did not want her in any way. She was not my angel. I know girls like her; hell I used to only want girls like that. The kind willing to go to their knees or spread their legs, then go their own way afterwards without a backward glance. Not anymore. I chuckle to myself as I think of the first time I let my anger get the best of me with Angel. When I had called her a whore; she slapped the shit out of me. I call her my angel, but she is a spit fire. She is so feisty and hard headed. I love everything about her crazy emotions.

It’s been two days since I’ve seen Slade. He hasn’t even called or text me once. He said he would give me time, but I can’t help but think he’s letting me go. I’m sure he’s had calls and texts from girls in town who want to give him what he used to only want.

Sex.

I feel like someone has punched me in the gut. I haven’t eaten much, I haven’t slept much, I lay in bed tossing and turning, wanting him next to me, to snuggle up with me.
Hell, I haven’t even had one drink of wine.
I want to; I want to numb my body and my feelings, but I can’t do it. I need to stay level headed, no matter how painful it is, and if I bust out the wine, I’ll be crawling back to him. Plus, every time I move, I still feel the tightness in my muscles and joints from the last time we had sex and I don’t want to numb that. I guess I would rather torture myself.

Can I let him in? Can I give up everything I am for him? I know that’s what he wants. He wants me to depend on him, not physically or financially, but emotionally. He wants me to completely give up my independence and love him with all I have. I want too, believe me, but I know his love for me is not the same love that I have for him. He’s never loved before, so how can he know that his love for me is real?

My heart is full of loneliness. It hurts to breathe. I’m wearing the first shirt he let me borrow; the one I wore home from his house the morning after our first night together. It smells just like him. I put it on as soon as I got home, and I haven’t taken it off. If I lie in bed and close my eyes, I smell him. I cuddle up to a pillow and try to go to sleep thinking it’s him, but my body and heart knows the difference.

I need to talk to someone. I need someone to tell me the smart thing to do is walk away now before I get any deeper. I look at the cell phone that’s in my hand. I haven’t put it down. I keep hoping to hear something from him.

But nothing.

That should be my first hint.

I type in Kitty and see Courtney’s number appears on my screen. I almost give up, it rings several times before she finally answers.

“Hey, Kitty,” I whisper as I feel tears run down my cheeks.

“Sis. What’s wrong?”

“I just need to talk to someone.” I choke back a sob.

“About what? What happened?”

I take in a deep breath before I fill her in on what’s wrong. I just hope she tells me what I
need
to hear, and not what I
want
to hear. “It’s Slade.”

“What did he do? Did you catch him with someone else? I will come down there and kick his ass, Sis.”

That makes me laugh. She couldn’t fight her way out of a brown paper bag. “No, there’s no one else that I know of.” I bury my head in my pillow, trying to rub the tears off of my face.

“Then what happened?” she demands.

“Well...”
How do I explain this?
“He pretty much told me he loved me. And he wants to take care of me. He wants to be the one I call when I need help, but you know me, Kitty. I don’t rely on anyone but myself. I don’t need someone controlling me and trying to be my dad.”

“Okay. I’m obviously missing something. There is a story of some sort behind this. Spill it.”

Like I said, she knows me all too well.

I fill her in about the night at the bar, the conversation afterwards, and the next morning. I leave out the sexual parts; she doesn’t want to hear
all
the details.

She stays silent for a while after I tell her the story.

“Courtney?” I don’t know if she hung up on me, or if I lost the connection. I pull the phone away from my ear.
Nope.
Still shows I have a connection. “Courtney?”

She sighs. Not a good sign. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Yes.” I close my eyes, knowing I’m not going to like it.

“When you called me after you broke up with Jax. You told me how he ignored you. How he would never tell you what he was up to. I know you’re not cheating on Slade, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt his feelings when you didn’t call him to inform him of your situation.”

I take in a deep breath. “Those were complete different circumstances. Slade knew where I was at, and I would have told him about the tire. I just didn’t feel the need to wake him up to come and hold my hand,” I say defensively. “He completely overreacted.”

“I agree with you. From what you said, he did overreact. I’m not saying what he did was right. I’m just saying that maybe he was scared and lashing out at you was the only way he could show you how much that situation terrified him. Maybe he’s like you and thinks the worse. He woke up in bed alone when you were supposed to be there.”

I roll over on my side as I recall myself thinking the same thing before I called Slade looking for Jax. She’s’ right, I’m being a hypocrite and that’s not fair to Slade.

Courtney interrupts my thoughts. “I guess I don’t understand. I know you love him, and he obviously loves you. Why are you denying yourself this?”

I close my eyes. “Because it won’t end like it did with Jax.” I take in a deep breath. “It will end worse,” I whisper.

“You don’t know that. I’m not telling you to tell him you love him. I’m just saying don’t run away from him. Yes, this could end badly. And if it does, I will be there for you to help you through it. But, Sam, this could be amazing. This could be the kind of love we used to read in fairytales, or see on the Disney movies.” I laugh.
She is always such a romantic at heart.
“I’m being serious. Don’t rush anything. Just let it flow.”

“I don’t know.” I roll onto my stomach, feeling a little bit better.

“There’s no time frame on love, Sis. It will happen, or it already has happened. Slade has already let it happen. Don’t walk away just because you don’t like the feeling you get when you’re with him because it seems to me the feeling you have when you’re not with him, is heartbreaking.”

That’s why I call her. Because she is amazing.

“I love you, Kitty. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Okay. Call me sooner if you need me.”

I hang up, thinking about what she just said. I scroll down to Slade’s name and just look at it. How has he become so important to me? The first time I called him, I didn’t even know who he was. I called him without hesitation. Now that I know I love him, I can’t bring myself to make that call.

I scroll down to my work number instead, telling them I can’t make it in tonight. I close my eyes and I see him, those beautiful blue eyes that I’ve come to love, but right now they torture me. I can’t quit picturing him with someone else. And speaking of someone else, what about Jessica? The bitch is not going to give up. How many other girls will I have to go through? I don’t know if I can do that.

I take a deep breath and tell myself I need to sleep. I think my lack of sleep is making me delusional.

It’s been two days since Angel walked out my door. I haven’t contacted her. I’m trying to give her space, but it is so fucking hard. I wish I could take back what I said to her, then maybe she would have stayed. Maybe we would be lying in bed right now watching a chick flick.

Yesterday was hard, but not as hard as today. I had some work to catch up on, so it kept me extremely busy. Last night was miserable not having her next to me. Not being able to kiss my Angel good night. Then today. Today was just torment. It’s Sunday, and I have nothing to do but think of her walking out. Everywhere I go in the house, I smell her perfume. And every time I breathe in a breath, my heart clenches in my chest like a vice squeezing it until it bleeds. I know I’m going to see her again.

I will see her.

When she comes back, I want her to know that she is welcome here. No matter what she feels for me, I want her to know that I love her. I jump up from the couch and head to my room. I go to my long dresser and start throwing things out of it. I walk over to the tall dresser and do the same. She’s going to need space here when she comes back because when she does, it’s going to be for good. As I’m in the bathroom cleaning out a drawer, I hear Josh yelling from somewhere in the house.

“In here.” I throw some deodorant, toothpaste and razors into a different drawer.

“Um, Slade. What are you doing?” I look up to see Josh standing in the doorway of the bathroom.

“Making room for Angel. What are you doing here? And how did you get in?”

“The front door was unlocked. Man, when was the last time you shaved?”

I rub my hand over my face and feel the two day stubble I have going on.

I shrug, “A couple of days.”

“Why does it look like a bomb went off in your room?” He turns to take another look at my room.

I sigh. “Angel left. I said some stuff and she left.” I stand up and walk past him into the bedroom.

“What did you say to piss her off enough to leave? Did you guys break up?” He walks over and sits down on my bed.

“No,” I say rather harsh as I shake my head. “I was trying to tell her that I love her without actually saying it and scaring her off. I know she has feelings for me, but she said she needed some time to figure out what those feelings mean.” I pick the clothes up off the floor and throw them on the bed, then grab some extra hangers from the closet.