Undescribable (61 page)

“Yes. I’m sorry,” he sniffs.

“It...it can’t...no...” I stumble over my words. “It can’t be. I was just there this morning!”

“I’m so sorry, Sam.” He starts to cry.

What have I done?

I was just there and I left her. I knew she was sick and needed me, and I just left. Tears start to spill over my eyes. “I’m on my way,” I whisper before hanging up.
How could this happen? Did she know she was this close to dying?

I shake my head. I have to get to her. I grab my purse and leave my bags. There’s nothing in them I can’t live without.

I dial 411 on my phone as I run to Slade’s truck. I get lucky, catching a plane that leaves for Oklahoma in forty five minutes. I race down the highway to make it on time. I don’t have any luggage. I left my bag in my bedroom.

I barely make the flight after running through security. By the time I get to my seat, I’m breathing heavy and feel as if I may pass out. The flight goes by rather quickly. I sit and stare out the little window, wondering what the hell happened. I still don’t believe it. It’s just a bad dream. My mind playing tricks on me is all it is.

Once I land, I get a car and head straight to my old house. I haven’t called Slade. I know he’s busy trying to get his work stuff done and I don’t want to bother him over something that he can’t change.

I want to call him.

I need him to hold me and tell me he’s here for me. I want to lean on him and let him love me. He’s the only one that can make me forget this horrible dream I call my life.

But I can’t.

I don’t want to call him and breakdown. I’m trying to stay strong.

For now.

I pull into my driveway and see Kevin sitting on my mom’s front porch. I get out of my rental car and walk up to him. I feel like I may pass out. I don’t think I’m breathing, and my hands and legs are shaking.

He stands and pulls me into a hug. I allow him to hold me up as my body sags against him. “I’m so sorry,” he chokes out.

I pull away and wipe my face. “Is she…”

How do I say this?

I swallow. “Is she here?” I don’t know how all of this stuff works.

He shakes his head as he wipes is eyes as well. “No.”

I’m not going to question him because I don’t need all the details. “I’m going to go inside,” I whisper as I walk past him.

“Do you want me to come with you?”

I turn to face him. “I need to do this on my own.” He nods. “Thank you, though.”

I walk into the house and it feels so warm in here. Not the cold and eerie feeling they say you get when you know someone had just died. It’s like I’m coming home from school and waiting for her to get off work.

She’s not here. I don’t know why I am even here. Coming here won’t bring her back.

I take a deep breath and walk towards her bedroom. I walk in and look around. On her dresser are three different kinds of wigs. A short dark bob, and a shoulder length one with curly brown hair. The third is the one she must have been wearing when I came to visit. It was longer than the others and had big curls in it.

I sit on the end of the bed as my eyes get teary and my throat starts to close up.
My mom is dead!
She’s never going to come back. I will never see her again. She called me to talk to me, to explain why she had done the things she did, and all I did was yell at her and run away.

How could I have been so selfish?

I stand up and walk over to her dresser. I lightly touch the ends of the big curls on the last wig. I feel so lost and alone.
How could she do this to me? Did she not stop to think how much I needed her? Did she think I would just forget about her?

I lean over and shove everything off the dresser and onto the floor. Glass breaks and stuff goes flying across the room as I scream out for my mom. It makes me feel better to destroy something. I turn and rip a picture frame off the wall. I throw it to the floor as glass skids across her hardwood floors. I pick up a vase that sits on a shelf and throw it into a wall. I watch it shatter into a million little pieces. I cry as I compare it to my heart.

It can’t be repaired.

I turn and continue to tear stuff up. A clock, pillows, blankets, more picture frames and a lamp. Anything I can get my hands on.

I hear Slade’s ringtone play on my phone. I dig it out of my pocket and stare at it. I had wanted to tell him where I was going. I had wanted him to tell me I would be okay.

Now...

Now I want nothing to do with him. I’ve always thought that he couldn’t love me enough, and now I know it’s true. He could never love someone so broken.

I have no one.

I look at my reflection in the big square mirror sitting on the dresser. I am so selfish and pathetic. Maybe everyone has always left me because I didn’t deserve their love.

My phone continues to play our love song. The song that I thought held the possibility that I had finally found true love.
Boy, was I wrong!
I throw it at the mirror, and I continue to watch my reflection as the glass shatters.

“How could you do this?” I scream. “How could you let me leave this morning knowing you were never going to see me again?” I continue screaming at nothing because it feels good. It feels good to let it out. I have so much frustration inside of me and I need to break, throw and demolish anything I can find.

Silence is all that remains in the room now that my phone is in pieces. My chest heaves as I try to breathe, and my lungs burn from screaming. I look around at all the things I’ve destroyed as tears run down my face. The room is a mess and the floor is covered with glass.

I look over to the only thing I didn’t touch. The nightstand. I see some folded pieces of paper, along with a couple of pictures lying on top of it. I slowly walk over to it.

I start to sob as I think of the letters my dad had left his attorney.
How did this become my life?
I sit on the bed, and with shaky hands open a letter from my mother.

My dearest Samantha,

I never meant to hurt you. Don’t you see? I love you more than life itself. You were my heart and soul. I need you to understand that I never wanted this for you. I never wanted you to have to see me die, or have to take care of me. I would rather you be mad at me, than have memories of me wasting away to nothing. I had a talk with Slade the night you guys were here. He’s a good man and loves you very much. He talked some sense into me, but it was already too late.

I just want you to know I was always there. Every time you called. I would listen to your message right after you left it. I would cry my eyes out, thinking how much I missed hearing your voice and seeing you. I had to stay away from you, though. You deserved better. You’re so young and have a life to live. As I write this letter, I now know it was worth keeping you away because you met Slade.

I’m sorry I lied when I said I had three months to live. The doctor did tell me that. Four months ago. When I woke up the other day, I just had to call you. I didn’t want to die thinking you weren’t important to me. I had this feeling that God wouldn’t allow me to live longer than I should without a reason. You were that reason, Samantha, so I asked for you to come see me. And like the passionate person you are, you came. You have grown up to be such a beautiful young lady.

I know you’re coming back to stay with me until the end. But just in case I don’t make it long, I need you to know a few things.

I went to your high school and college graduation. I was so proud of you, and there was no way I would have missed either one of them. I looked at the pictures all the time. I use them as a reminder that you were living your life. Like I wanted you to do.

When you left for Texas, I wanted to see you before you left, but I had chemo that day. I was still trying to fight it. I wanted to beat the cancer so that I could have a life with you. But things don’t always work out the way you plan them. I didn’t want you to see me after that. You would have known something was up, and you were so heartbroken when your dad passed that I didn’t want to add more turmoil to you. I will forever be sorry that I kept this from you. Please forgive me. I never meant to hurt you. I thought it was the only way to protect you.

I never spent any of that money you sent me. Even though you ripped up that check, the money is still sitting in the account I got you once the money started coming.

I left you everything I had. It’s not much, but it was mine. The house, which your dad built me for my wedding present, my SUV, and your dad’s old hot rod that he got from my father when we got married.

Last but not least, I love you, Samantha. I just wanted you to be free. Once you’re a mother, you see the world differently. You have to think for two people. First for your child, then for yourself. Your father and I always put you first, and I know you will do the same. You will be a wonderful mother who will one day understand why I did what I did.

I could never tell you enough how much I love you. I loved you then, and I love you still. My love is so powerful for you that it will not end with my death.

Now, go on and live your life. Love Slade with everything you have. He loves you, he told me so, but I didn’t have to hear him say it. I could tell in the way he looked at you. The way he spoke of you. That man is madly in love with you. I know that you love him too.

Don’t be scared of love, Samantha. It’s a beautiful thing.

Love always, Mom

I lay the note down next to me on the bed, along with the pictures. I’m sobbing, and I’m having trouble breathing. I am mentally drained, and emotionally a disaster.

I slide to the floor, sitting on glass and whatever else I have broken. I feel a few bites into my leg, but I don’t care. I welcome the pain; it tells me I’m not numb to everything. I curl up in the fetal position, wishing Slade was here. I need to tell him I love him.

I cry harder than I have ever knew someone could. I now know she loved me. She made the biggest selfless act to let me go and live my life. I just wish she would have let me do the same and stayed with her. I’ll never get that chance to show her how much I love her.

She’s gone.

I pace the entryway of my house.

It’s past five and she’s not here. I’ve been calling her over the last two hours.
Where the hell could she be?
I’ve called Josh, Holly and my mom, but no one has heard from her.

“Hello?” I say to Josh as I answer my phone.

“Hey man. I know where she’s at.” He sounds weary.

“Thank God. Where is she?” I say, picking up my keys. Wherever she is, I’m going to get her then bring her back here so we can get on the road.

“She’s in Tulsa,” he says reluctantly.

“What?” I bark.
She went without me?

“I called Courtney. She had no idea about what was going on with Sam’s mom, and said she would run by their house. She just called me back. Said she found Sam in her mom’s room, curled up in a ball crying. Guess her mom has already passed,” he says sadly.

“She died? When did she die? Angel and I was just with her this morning.”
How did all this happen? Why didn’t she call me?

“Yeah. That’s what Courtney said. I don’t know much. Just something about a note Courtney read. Oh, and she found Sam’s phone smashed to pieces. Said her mom’s bedroom had been trashed. Guess Sam destroyed it.”

“Okay,” I sigh.
Poor Angel
. “I’m going to head to the airport. I need to be in Tulsa now.” I walk out the garage door heading to my car.

“Is there anything you need me to do?”

“Not that I can think of right now. I’m sure we will be there for a while, though.” I look to back out of the garage.

“Well, just let me know. Whatever you or Sam needs, man. I’ll do it.”

“Thanks, Josh.”

We hang up.

The only good thing about Tulsa being so close is that they fly frequently back and forth. I sit at a terminal, bouncing my knees as I run a hand over my face. I cannot believe what is happening.
Why didn’t she call me?
Why would she want to even go without me?