I think maybe Lucas is just really, really good at kissing. He definitely had enough practice with Sasha. I don’t like thinking about Sasha and Lucas together; the feeling I get is far too close to jealousy.
Before I know what’s happening, Lucas is pulling my top over my head. And I let him. At least I’m not wearing one of my ratty old grey bras. This one’s purple.
We kiss some more before I realize the curtains are open, and anyone walking past could see me in my purple bra. ‘Um … Lucas … maybe close the curtains?’
‘No need. This is the quietest street in town … unless you count the ghosts from the graveyard.’ His hands are fiddling with the clasp of my bra and he starts to kiss me again. But I’m not sure his brain can cope with doing both things at once, so he stops the kissing for a moment. Then he stops the fiddling and steps back, wincing. ‘Shit. I’m sorry. Your friend’s buried there, isn’t he?’
I feel cold and exposed all of a sudden. ‘How do you know that?’ Guilt. It has to be guilt. Maybe Lucas made a point of finding out where Kai was buried, so he could visit the grave. Perhaps
he
stood over the grave, talking to Kai. Saying sorry.
Lucas shrugs. ‘It’s the biggest cemetery in town.
Pretty much everyone gets buried there. Sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up. I’m such an idiot. Talk about ruining the mood …’ He picks up my top from the floor and hands it to me. ‘Unless you
do
want to talk about it? Because we can totally do that.’
I am standing in Lucas’s living room in my bra and jeans. And he wants to talk about my dead best friend. This is beyond surreal. I can’t find any words to say, so I settle for silence.
Lucas sits down on the sofa. ‘You never talk about him, you know? It might help if you did. You must miss him so much.’
WHY IS HE DOING THIS? It makes no sense. Unless he really
is
feeling guilty. Either that or he’s just going out of the way to prove how sensitive he can be. I’ve never been the best judge of this sort of thing, but he looks genuine. I look in his face and see compassion there. Empathy. Sympathy.
This is not what I was expecting.
I don’t know what to do.
I’m not sure who Lucas is. The different versions of him are clashing in my head.
But the version in front of me is looking up at me with those amazing eyes and there’s only one thing I can do, really. It’s the next step in the Plan, and the Plan is the only thing that matters.
I’m lying in Lucas Mahoney’s bed. Naked. Lucas Mahoney is also lying in Lucas Mahoney’s bed. Also naked.
There are a couple of odd things about this situation. No. Make that three.
I’ve had sex.
I’ve had sex with Lucas Mahoney.
I liked having sex with Lucas Mahoney.
If I was really going to analyse what happened, it all comes down to a series of choices. Moments in which I could have made a different decision and the outcome would have been entirely different.
I wanted Lucas to stop talking about Kai; I wanted to stop thinking about Kai. Lucas looked surprised and pleased when I let my top drop back to the floor. And he looked like all his Christmases and birthdays
and any other celebration you can think of had come at once when I knelt in front of him and started unbuckling his belt.
He even gave me the opportunity to stop. ‘Are you sure you want to do this? You really don’t have to …’
This was when I could have said, ‘No, I am not sure I want to do this. I definitely
don’t
want to.’ But I didn’t. I went right ahead and unbuckled his jeans.
I didn’t have any idea what I was doing, but he seemed to like it. Low standards, I guess. There was a moment when I nearly burst out laughing at the madness of it all. But laughing would have been difficult, given that Lucas Mahoney’s penis was in my mouth.
A little voice in my head niggled at me, telling me to check for a hidden camera. But I knew I was just being ridiculous.
The next decision was whether to go upstairs. Whether to take things even further. Once again, Lucas presented me with a get-out clause. Once again I refused. It was like someone else had colonized my brain; Old Jem was in there somewhere, cowering in a corner saying,
Don’t do this. Please don’t do this. Not with him.
New Jem told her to shut the fuck up.
Lucas’s bedroom was the opposite of the rest of
the house. White walls, minimal clutter. I barely had time to take it all in before I was on the bed having the rest of my clothes stripped from my body.
He had a box of condoms in his bedside drawer. A half-empty box, which made me think of Sasha again. She’d been exactly where I was, doing exactly what I was doing. And if she was to be believed, she’d taught him everything he knew. I tried to block this thought from my mind, but it kept pushing its way to the forefront. Whenever Lucas touched me or kissed me in a way I liked, I wondered if Sasha had instructed him to do it that way. Unfortunately (or fortunately) Lucas kept touching me and kissing me in ways that felt so good I could hardly stand it. And he was so gentle. He kept stopping and looking at me questioningly. He clearly realized it was my first time. I should have been insulted, but instead I was glad.
Afterwards he asks me if I’m OK and I can’t help the smile from spreading across my face. I didn’t quite come but I’m not even that bothered – just relieved I got through it OK.
‘I didn’t hurt you, did I?’
I shake my head and kiss him. Not strictly true; it had hurt a bit. Nothing like some of the horror stories
I’d heard though. Lucas props himself up on his elbow. ‘Um. I’ve been wanting to give you something …’
I elbow him in the ribs. ‘You’ve already given me plenty, don’t you think?’ I inwardly cringe; I honestly have no idea where this stuff comes from.
Lucas doesn’t laugh, which is fine because it really wasn’t funny. He’s unwinding the thin piece of leather wrapped around his wrist. I’ve never seen him without it. ‘I thought maybe you’d like to wear this?’ He looks shifty, worried almost.
‘Marking your territory, are you?’ I’m only half-joking.
‘Look, if you don’t want it, that’s fine. I just thought it would be kind of … cool, that’s all.’
I hold out my left hand and he winds the leather around my wrist. He ties it carefully, then kisses the back of my hand like he’s a fairytale prince and I’m some swooning wench.
‘Thank you,’ I say. I have no idea how I should be feeling about this token of his affection. No idea at all.
‘I really, really like you, Jem.’ The way he says it makes it seem like a declaration of the deepest, most sincere love.
I look into his eyes until he blinks. ‘I like you too, Lucas Mahoney.’
He smiled. ‘Why do you always do that? Call me by my whole name?’
I nuzzle in closer to him. ‘I just like the way it sounds.’ A lie, of course. In my head Lucas Mahoney is not a real person. He is a fictional character. A puppet. Someone who exists for me to mess with. I know exactly how I feel about Lucas Mahoney. I despise him. But Lucas? Lucas is very real. Frighteningly real. I’m not sure how I feel about Lucas. And I’m starting to wonder if …
No.
This is the truth of the matter: having sex with Lucas Mahoney was better than I could have ever imagined.
And that’s the problem.
I want to do it again.
Jem,
How’s sixth form treating you? Bet Allander Park looks a little different from the dizzy heights of the sixth-form block, right?
I fell asleep, Jem. I was going to rest my head for a minute,
decide if I really
but I
bloody fell asleep. It was only for a few minutes, but when I woke up I forgot – for one blissful, perfect moment I
forgot.
My foolish, caffeine-addled brain thought I must have fallen asleep doing my homework, and you know that sleepy, hazy feeling you have that’s halfway between dream world and this world? Well, I could have lived in it forever. I could have curled up inside it and stayed there for good. But everything came crashing back, like it always does, and I remembered that I’m a laughing stock. That people who never gave me a second glance now have an
opinion
about me. They think I’m disgusting. I’m not, Jem, am I? I need you to know that I’m not. I just made a mistake. A silly mistake. I thought I could do things with a boy I liked and that it would be ok because no one would know.
And maybe one day he could even be my boyfr
I’m almost too embarrassed to admit that I was planning on giving you some relationship advice. Now, if that isn’t the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard, I don’t know what is. All I know is that it’s supposed to be amazing, this ‘love’ thing. It’s not supposed to make you sad or angry or ashamed. It’s meant to make things easier, better, lighter. (And doing rude things with someone you actually care about? God, Jem, it’s brilliant.) So I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you find someone that makes you happy – really, truly happy – then try to hang on to them. Because I don’t think it comes around all that often.
The sun’s coming up now. I was hoping for a proper, beautiful sunrise, but I think we both know you don’t always get what you wish for. It’s just starting to rain,
and maybe it’s better that way.
Bye for now, pickle.
Love,
Kai
xxx
My tea sits untouched on the bedside table. There are no tears this time. I feel numb.
It had never occurred to me before. Maybe it should have, but it really didn’t.
Kai had been in love with that boy in the video. He’d been in love and he hadn’t felt able to tell me.
I thought we told each other everything. I was wrong.
Sasha’s grin couldn’t be any wider. ‘You’ve had sex!’
‘What?! No I haven’t.’
‘YOU HAVE! I can tell! You look … different.’ Sasha wasn’t quite jumping up and down with glee, but she wasn’t far from it. It was way too early for such levels of enthusiasm. The bell for registration hadn’t even gone yet.
‘No, I really … I don’t look different, do I? Shit. He told you, didn’t he?’
‘Ha! I
knew
it. Don’t be stupid – of course you don’t look different! What were you expecting? A rosy glow of sexual satisfaction or something? ‘Fraid not. And no, he didn’t tell me.’
‘Then how … ?’ Maybe there
had
been a hidden camera after all.
‘It was so obvious that’s what he had planned – inviting you over when his mum was out. I wouldn’t
be surprised if he’d lit some candles too … Please tell me there weren’t candles. That boy is such a soppy bastard. I see he’s handed over his prize possession too.’ She flicks at the leather on my wrist. ‘He must reeeeeally like you. Anyway, I saw him yesterday and asked him straight out. I’ve never seen him so uncomfortable – it was like he was trying to protect your honour or something! Ridiculous boy.’
‘So he didn’t say anything?’ This was a surprise. I’d half expected him to brag about it. Maybe he had though – just not to his ex-girlfriend. Stu and Bugs would be a more appropriate audience for that kind of thing. I’d have to wait till break time to see if they’d been told all the gory details.
‘Nope, but he blushed and looked shifty. So I was pretty sure, and then you just confirmed it! I swear I’m some kind of evil genius.’ She slipped her arm through mine and whispered conspiratorially, ‘So … what did you think? He’s pretty good, isn’t he? I have to say, that’s the one thing I miss about him.’
‘Sasha, I really don’t want to hear about you missing his
one thing
. Can we talk about something else, please?’
Her sigh was so prolonged it sounded like every last molecule of air leaving her body. ‘God, you two are as bad as each other. You’re, like, perfect for each
other. Just for the record, I think it’s very selfish of you to deny me the details. It’s been so long since I had sex that I’m practically a born-again virgin.’
Just for the record
, I know for a fact that Sasha shagged some random guy three weeks ago. In a toilet cubicle in Espionage, the crappiest nightclub in town. I’ve heard enough about that place to know I never, ever want to go there. Sasha says it’s only worth going at Christmas or in the summer holidays – when there are likely to be hot boys home from uni. She reckons she is ‘so over’ boys our age.
‘Sorry, Sasha. You’ll just have to get your vicarious … er … pleasure elsewhere.’
I’m pleased that the idea that I might have actually lost my virginity to Lucas doesn’t even occur to Sasha.
It’s been five days since I lost my virginity to Lucas Mahoney. It’s all I can think about. I haven’t been concentrating in any of my classes. I’ve hardly eaten a thing.
When I saw Lucas in the common room at break time on Monday, I swear I felt my heart contract.
I’ve seen you naked
, was my first thought.
I would like to see you naked again – soon
, was my second. These were the wrong thoughts though. These thoughts were most definitely not part of the Plan. I gave myself a stern
talking-to. Things along the lines of
You cannot allow this to change anything
and
Just because you got laid, it doesn’t mean he’s not an evil bastard
and
He deserves everything that’s coming to him – and more.
But then he turned and smiled at me and … that smile. It was shy and genuine and full of
something
. Something real.
The sensible part of my brain was thinking that this is perfect.
It’s going to be so much easier to make him a laughing stock. Awesome.
The unsensible part of my brain fired some electricity through some synapses or neurons or whatever, which caused the corners of my mouth to tilt up and my eyes to twinkle. Twinkling eyes, for fuck’s sake. This boy had really done a number on me. When it came down to it, I was no better than every other simpering female in school. No one is immune from the charms of Lucas Mahoney. Not even someone who really, really hates him.
Sasha decides it would be a good idea for ‘us girls’ to hang out at her place after school. I think she wants to cement Louise’s place back in the group with some serious girl time. Even the thought of it makes me uncomfortable. Things are easier when the boys are around. Simpler somehow. Everyone knows what
they’re supposed to be doing, and the focus is nearly always on the boys and their antics. Take that away and all you’re left with is
talking
– and these people don’t even speak my language. At least I’m spared the presence of Amber this time – she’s got netball practice. Netball is the most pointless sport in the entire world; I can see why she loves it so much. Someone should really do her a favour and inform her about the invention of the sports bra though.