‘I wanted to pay you back. All of you.’ And it all seems so stupid now – so pointless and pathetic.
Lucas leans his elbows on the table and puts his head in his hands. The only sound in the canteen is the doctor giggling flirtatiously. Eventually Lucas looks up at me, and I know exactly what’s just occurred to him. ‘You never really liked me, did you? So why did you … ?
There’s no point in lying any more. ‘It was part of the Plan.’
‘You’re kidding, right?’ The look on my face makes it painfully clear that I’m not. ‘Jesus fucking Christ.’ He sniffs and continues. ‘I’ve got to hand it to you,
Jem. You did a pretty stellar job. Bugs, Stu, me … you really knew how to hit us where it hurts, didn’t you? Shame you hurt the wrong people though, isn’t it? Shame Sasha’s going to be scarred for life because you couldn’t be bothered to find out the truth before you went off on some mad revenge kick. I mean, who
does
that?’
And I think there’s a real chance he might be telling the truth. Maybe it
wasn’t
them. Maybe Jon was wrong after all. Maybe Bugs and Lucas were just messing around that night. Maybe Stu was so intent on his phone because he’d been nutted by a girl.
My brain can’t compute, can’t wrap itself around the idea that I’ve been wrong – so fucking wrong – all this time. It can’t possibly be true … can it? But I look at Lucas’s face and I
know
that he would never do something like that. I know it with absolute certainty and it’s hard to believe that I didn’t see it before. I fell in love with him, for God’s sake. That would never have happened if I’d really truly believed he’d done that to Kai.
Would
it?
I struggle to find some words. ‘I … I’m sorry, Lucas. I was so sure. I needed someone to pay for it. You have to understand, I miss him
so
much.’ I had no intention of crying, but the tears come anyway. My hand is so close to his on the table. I want to
reach out to him so badly but I’m afraid of what he’ll do.
‘Of course you miss him. It’s OK to miss him. But what you did …’ He exhales slowly, painfully almost. ‘Who told you it was us?’
‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘Like fuck it doesn’t matter!’
‘It was a note. An anonymous note.’
‘And you
believed
it? Just like that? Without even bothering to … Jesus.’
I’m confused and upset and tired beyond belief, but I can’t let this go. ‘Who do you think did it then? You must have known most of the people at the party, right? I only knew a couple of people … You probably didn’t even realize I was there before tonight, did you?’ There’s a bitter note to my voice that I don’t even bother to disguise.
What he says next comes as a complete surprise. ‘I knew you were there. I saw Stu follow you to the end of the garden.’
‘You … you
knew
about that?’
He shrugs, maybe a little embarrassed. ‘I had a pretty good idea what you two were up to.’
‘And you never said anything?!’ Lucas shoots me this look that shuts me right up.
‘I knew a lot of people at the party, I guess. But no
one who would do something like
that
. I mean, us lot talked about it afterwards … obviously. Max wasn’t exactly happy that it had all … um … gone down in his room.’
‘And nobody saw anything?’ I shouldn’t be obsessing about this now. I know Sasha is what I should be thinking about. But I’m running out of time.
I ask Lucas if there’s anything he can think of – anything at all – that might help me work out who did it. And for some reason he doesn’t tell me to fuck off. I push him to try to remember if he saw anyone looking shifty.
‘I was pretty wasted, to be honest. I remember me and Sasha looking for somewhere to … go. Max didn’t want anyone upstairs, but I figured he’d make an exception. The only person we saw was Louise. She was sitting in the hallway looking about as wrecked as I felt. She pointed us in the direction of Max’s folks’ room. And we … er … yeah.’
The only person they saw was Louise.
Louise
.
I go back to the bridge. I have a couple of hours to kill and I can’t stand the thought of going home. Mum would put her arms around me and make me drink tea from my favourite mug. I can’t face her. Not yet.
Bugs interrupted us in the cafeteria, right after the Louise revelation. It was obvious that Lucas had no idea what he’d said. He didn’t think for a minute that it could have been her, and I wanted to keep it that way. For now at least.
Bugs completely blanked me, asked Lucas if he wanted a lift home with him and his dad. Lucas asked if I could come too, and Bugs looked at him as if he was crazy. Before he had a chance to reply I said Mum was coming to pick me up, so there was really no need.
Bugs said he’d wait for Lucas in the car and was just about to leave when I asked him if he’d managed
to get in touch with Max and Louise. For a second there I thought he wouldn’t answer, but he said they were at Max’s house. He’d been keeping them up to date on Sasha’s condition. He addressed Lucas rather than me. I couldn’t exactly blame him. I wanted to say something; I wanted to apologize. But I didn’t.
I hadn’t noticed that Lucas and I were now the only ones left in the cafeteria. He pushed back his chair and it made an ugly screeching sound on the green lino. ‘I … I’ll see you around, I guess.’ He gripped the back of the chair and I wondered if it was to stop himself reaching out to me. Probably not. More likely he was so tired he could barely stand up straight.
I looked up at him. His face had a yellowish tinge, almost like a faded bruise. I wondered if this would be the last time I’d ever see him. There was so much I should say to try to fix things, but it was too late. No words I could say would ever be enough to undo the things I’d done. The words I did manage to stutter out were so pathetically inadequate I almost laughed. ‘I’m sorry.’ It’s what you say when you step on someone’s toes or accidentally queue-jump. Not when you have used someone in the worst possible way, accused them of doing something they would never ever do and nearly killed their ex-girlfriend. His eyes were fixed
on mine for the longest time before he turned to walk away. He was a few paces away when he stopped. He didn’t turn to look at me though. He kept his back to me as he said the words that seared themselves onto my brain. ‘I did notice you, you know. Before. I remember the day you came to school wearing those purple Docs and Miss Maynard marched you out of the canteen. I remember you and Kai laughing. You always seemed to be laughing at something. And I used to wonder what was so funny.’
‘Lucas? Look at me. Please look at me.’
His hands clenched into fists and his shoulders tensed up. ‘I can’t.’
Then he walked away. His progress towards the door was painfully slow, almost as if he wanted me to stop him. I watched to see if he looked back before the doors swung closed behind him. He didn’t. The boy I loved – the boy who had loved me like I wanted to be loved – didn’t look back.
It’s still not light by the time I get to the bridge. A fine mist cloaks the water below. The rain starts to fall almost as soon as I get there. Then it starts to bucket down and my teeth are chattering within minutes.
This must have been what it was like for him.
I don’t even know what I’m doing here. It’s not like I’m going to jump or anything. And it’s not as if being here makes me feel particularly close to him. But it’s as good a way as any to pass the time.
Mum calls and I tell her I’m heading to Lucas’s house for a bit. She’s not happy, but she doesn’t fight me on it. She just tells me she’s worried about me and that I should call her if I want a lift home. Before she has a chance to change her mind I say that Mrs Mahoney has just pulled up outside the hospital so I’d really better go. I don’t even have to think about lying these days – it’s no effort at all.
I stand there for God knows how long, hands gripping the railing even though it’s wet and icy cold. My hands look red and raw.
I feel a hand on my shoulder. It startles me so much I stumble into the railing, and for a micro-second I imagine it breaking and me falling. Would it really be so bad? But the railing holds fast and I turn to face the owner of the mystery hand.
It’s a red-haired woman, about thirty years old, dressed for the gym. Black cropped leggings and a neon pink cropped vest. I look over her shoulder and see a car with the driver’s door wide open.
She stands in front of me, the rain gradually
turning her hair a darker red. I’m determined not to be the first one to speak.
‘Hi. Is everything … OK?’ She starts to shiver and I bet she wishes she’d worn a hoodie. Or just stayed in her stupid car.
‘Yes.’
‘Can I give you a lift or something?’
‘No.’ My tone’s a little harsh and I can’t help adding a quiet ‘thank you’, even though I really don’t want to. Old habits die hard, I guess.
‘Are you sure? Is there someone I can call then?’
I shake my head.
‘Look, I’m not going to leave you here, OK? I wouldn’t want you to …’ She nods her head, indicating the river below and half laughs in a self-conscious sort of way.
‘What makes you think I would?’
‘Oh, I don’t know … maybe something to do with the fact that you’re standing here in the pissing rain at an ungodly hour on a Saturday morning?’
A snort of laughter escapes me even though there’s really nothing to laugh about. ‘Good point. No need to worry, I’m not going to top myself …’ I don’t add the
yet
that I’m screaming inside. I look at my watch and it’s just about a respectable time to turn up at someone’s front door, and I
am
freezing. ‘Actually, I
could do with a lift back into town, if it’s not too much trouble.’
The woman’s face lights up, and you can tell she thinks she’s just saved a life. She’ll probably go home and tell her husband or boyfriend or cat all about it. She probably reckons there’s some seriously good karma coming her way. Who knows? Maybe there is, for making sure I don’t die of hypothermia before I’m ready.
As we’re getting into the car she tells me her name is Melissa. ‘And you are … ?’
‘Kai.’ I say it without thinking.
‘That’s an unusual name. Kai – it suits you.’
Melissa turns the heating up and talks pretty much non-stop the rest of the way. It’s only a five-minute journey, but I find out a lot about her in those five minutes. It’s amazing how much a complete stranger is willing to share with you when they think they’ve saved your life.
When she pulls up outside the house, she puts her hand on my arm. ‘Are you going to be OK, Kai?’ She really seems to care. It’s sort of sweet actually.
‘I’ll be fine. Thank you. I’m glad you stopped.’
She reaches into the glovebox and hands me a card. I hold the edges of the card between my thumb and forefinger and stare at it. It’s a business card –
all fancy and embossed. Melissa Hill. She’s an estate agent. I thought estate agents were supposed to be the spawn of the devil? That’s what Dad’s always saying.
Melissa looks embarrassed all of a sudden. ‘Look, I know this is a bit weird, but call me, won’t you, if you ever – I don’t know – need someone to talk to? OK … now you think I’m crazy, don’t you? I don’t blame you. Just … remember there’s always another option. And things
do
get better, you know. Trust me.’ Her face is flushed red and she’s staring at the raindrops trickling down the windscreen instead of looking at me. She’s talking about herself now – that’s as clear as anything. It makes me itch with embarrassment for her. That she would expose herself like this.
‘Thank you.’ I clamber out of the car and shut the door before she has a chance to say anything else. I watch as she drives away – all the way along the street until the car turns the corner. There are no other cars for me to watch. No joggers. No dog walkers. Not even a plastic bag blowing down the street that I could pretend to be interested in.
The sensation in the pit of my stomach is similar to the feeling I had the last time I walked up this particular driveway. It’s fear, plain and simple. But I have no reason to be afraid any more. The worst
has already happened. Kai. Sasha. This is just about finding out
why
.
Why would anyone do something like that?
Why would a sister do something like that to her own brother?
Sebastian opens the front door wearing a pair of tight white boxers slung low over his bony hips. He scratches his armpit and looks confused. ‘Gemma, right?’
I hate people calling me Gemma. HATE IT.
‘Are Max and Louise up yet?’
Sebastian yawns and his face transforms into something gargoyle-like. ‘Fuck knows. I think I heard the shower going earlier, so you might be in luck.’ He clearly has no idea what happened last night. Either that or he doesn’t care. I wonder if Amber’s here, sprawled on Sebastian’s bed, completely unaware that one of her best friends very nearly died last night.
Sebastian ushers me into the house and hitches up his pants. ‘Go on up. Better knock first in case they’re getting it on … On second thoughts, don’t bother.’
I’m not sure how to take this, so I say nothing and
head up the stairs. I turn and catch Sebastian checking out my bum, and he doesn’t even bother to pretend otherwise. ‘Third door on the left,’ he says with a smirk on his face. Wanker.
I stand in front of the door. There’s no telltale sign saying: ‘Max’s room – KEEP OUT’, but that’s probably because Max isn’t ten years old. I knock before I can change my mind.
Max calls out, ‘Come in.’ And then I’m there. I’m in the room I’ve only seen in that hideous video. I’m staring at the bed that Kai knelt in front of. The duvet cover’s the same.
Louise is sitting cross-legged on the bed, nibbling on a slice of toast with peanut butter. Peanut butter was Kai’s favourite too. Max is sitting on the floor, tapping away on an impossibly slimline Apple laptop. They’re both fully dressed, thank God. Max seems surprised to see me; Louise does not.
‘Drowned rat is a really good look for you, Jem. Also, nice work last night. Really.’
‘Louise!’ Max slams the lid of his laptop. ‘How are you doing, Jem? It must have been awful.’