‘Don’t you dare threaten me!’ I pushed him hard on the chest and he stumbled backwards.
He laughed, but there was no humour in it whatsoever. ‘I wouldn’t dream of threatening you, darlin’. I’m a gentleman. Think of it more like a friendly warning. Now get the fuck out of here. And if you breathe a word of this to anyone . . .’
I grabbed my jacket and ran out of the greenhouse. Back in the real world, nothing had changed. The bonfire was still blazing, people were still drunk. And no one had any idea what had just happened. Maybe if I pretended hard enough I could convince myself that it had been a bad dream. But I could still feel his hands all over me, his tongue in my mouth. I could still taste the panic.
I hurried to another quiet corner of the garden and took out my mobile with shaking hands. I texted Kai:
Home. Now. Please. x
I waited for a few minutes – no reply. I kept looking over my shoulder, half-expecting Stu to jump out at me like some horror-movie psycho.
Right. Pull yourself together. Kai’s probably left his phone somewhere. Find him and go home. Pretend that nothing happened. Easy.
I’d already decided not to tell
him, without even making a conscious decision about it. Telling him wasn’t even an option. He wouldn’t understand. There was no way he would be able to comprehend why I would do something like that – why I’d put myself in that situation. He probably wouldn’t even be able to get past the idea of me kissing Stuart Hicks.
How could I ever begin to explain it to him? What could I possibly say that would make him understand, even a little bit?
Because I was drunk.
Because I was curious.
Because I was horny.
Because he was there.
And you weren’t.
I ran my hands through my hair and dusted down the back of my jeans. Took a deep breath and headed back into the fray.
Just put on a brave face for a few more minutes, then you can go home.
I couldn’t see Kai outside anywhere. I asked a couple of people (only those with friendly-ish faces), but no one had seen him. A quick scan of the ground floor of the house revealed the following: Bugs pretending to hump Lucas as he bent over to get something out of the fridge; a couple getting busy on the sofa while
some other people watched, jeering and laughing; some boys looking at porn on the computer in the study; Stu sitting in a corner smirking at his phone, probably trying to distract himself from the bits of tissue stuffed up his nose. I backed away fast before he noticed me.
I stood in the hallway trying to figure out what to do. I phoned Kai but he didn’t answer. If he’d bailed on me, I was going to be
so
pissed off. And if he was off having fun without me somewhere, I was going to be equally pissed off. I wondered briefly if I should check out upstairs, but there was a baby-gate across the bottom of the stairs with a handwritten sign taped to it: ‘ACCESS DENIED. If you ignore this sign, I will kill you. (Bugs and Stu: I will kill you twice as hard, so don’t even think about it.)’
Considering what was going on in the living room, I didn’t want to think about what might be happening upstairs. And the last thing I wanted to do was make an enemy of Max as well as Stu. If Kai was up there, he was going to have to fend for himself. I texted him to say I was heading home and that I hoped he was enjoying his lone-wolf adventure. The relief when I closed the front door behind me was so immense that I just stood there savouring it for a few seconds. I breathed in the cool night air and got a lungful of
smoke instead. Louise was sitting leaning against the wall. She had a bottle of wine in one hand and a fag in the other.
Classy lady.
‘Louise, hi! Have you seen Kai anywhere? I’ve been looking for him for ages and no one seems to have seen him.’
She turned to look at me and I saw that she’d been crying. ‘How about you just fuck off home, OK?’ Her voice was muffled and somewhat mucousy.
And there I’d been just about to ask if she was all right. Charming. ‘Right. Delightful talking to you – as per usual. Look, if you see Kai, can you tell him I had to go home? I’m not feeling too well.’
She looked at me like I’d just asked her to solve a particularly complex equation and eventually answered with a not-very-helpful ‘Whatever’.
‘Thanks, I really appreciate it.’ I kept any trace of sarcasm out of my voice, because somehow I thought she’d find it more irritating this way. I hoped so, anyway.
The walk home was cold and lonely. Except I’m not all that sure it
was
cold – I just couldn’t stop shivering. I was angry at Kai for making me go to the stupid party in the first place and then deserting me. Angry at Stu for doing whatever it was that he’d
done. Angry at Louise for living down to expectations and being a total mega-bitch at every opportunity. And angry at myself most of all for so many reasons I couldn’t hold them all in my head at the same time.
Somehow I managed to negotiate the notoriously tricky parental greeting. Dad had gone to bed, but Mum was still there, curled up on the sofa with a cup of tea. No matter how many times I told her she didn’t have to wait up for me, she always did. She asked lots of questions about the party and each answer took us further and further away from the truth. She was so interested and so lovely I wanted to cry. But then she went and ruined it all by saying, ‘I’m so pleased you’re making some new friends. You know what they say – it’s never a good idea to put all your eggs in one basket.’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Kai is not a basket,
Mother
. He’s my best friend.’
‘I know he is, sweetie. And I love Kai to bits – you know that! But a girl needs to be around other girls from time to time.’
I picked myself up from the sofa and kissed Mum on the forehead. I wasn’t in the mood for an argument. ‘Whatever you say, Mother.’
She tutted and said, ‘Enough with the
Mother
thing! You know you only call me that when you want me to shut up.’
I raised my eyebrows and said nothing. She laughed and said, ‘Off to bed with you. We’re going to IKEA first thing in the morning and you’re not getting out of it just because you’re tired . . . or hungover.’ Now it was her chance to raise her eyebrows and smile knowingly. I scarpered while the going was good. Mum doesn’t mind me having the occasional drink; she’s pretty cool that way.
The tears appeared as soon as I shut my bedroom door. I shouldn’t have been surprised but somehow I was. I lay on my bed and sobbed and sobbed until my tear ducts were dry and my pillow was sodden.
I couldn’t stop thinking about Stu. It didn’t seem real. It didn’t seem like something that could have happened to me. The world must have tilted on its axis or something, and somehow
I’d
ended up in that greenhouse instead of Amber Sheldon or Louise or any of those girls who thought that wearing as few clothes as possible was a good look. Why had Stu followed me in there? He
must
have followed me, surely? Because he didn’t exactly strike me as the horticultural type. And what was I thinking, letting someone like him kiss me? It pretty much went against everything I stood for. Had I really been flattered by the attention?
Perhaps I wasn’t so different from those girls after all.
The biggest question of all was one I would never know the answer to. What would have happened if I hadn’t stopped him?
There was a knock at the front door while we were still unpacking the IKEA purchases. I was quizzing Mum about why she’d felt the need to buy two hundred tea lights, and she was going on about ‘mood lighting’.
Kai stood on the doorstep looking sheepish and tired. His hair was all over the place – a look that I was hardly ever allowed to see these days. He was wearing an old T-shirt that was at least two sizes too small for him and I could see a narrow strip of skin between it and his jeans. ‘Before you say anything . . . I’m sorry I didn’t get your messages. And you shouldn’t have walked home on your own – that was a really stupid thing to do.’
I dragged him inside and upstairs before he could say anything else. ‘Mum doesn’t know I came home alone and I’d like it to stay that way, thank you very much. Where
were
you?’
He dived onto the bed and landed face first. ‘I’m sooooo tired.’ His voice was muffled by the duvet.
‘Kai! I looked everywhere for you!’
‘I looked everywhere for
you
! And I lost my phone and spent half the night looking for that.’ I couldn’t see his face, which made it very hard to tell if he was telling the truth.
‘But I asked around and no one had seen you.’
‘Probably because only about four people there knew my name! Anyway, missy, I’ve got a bone to pick with you . . .’ He turned over so he was lying on his back. His T-shirt had ridden up his belly. It was smooth and flat and made me think about Stu. ‘Get your arse over here.’ He patted the bed beside him and I lay on my side so that I was facing him. Kai’s face was great in profile.
‘Go ahead . . . pick your . . .
bone
.’
‘I usually prefer to do that in the privacy of my own bedroom, now that you mention it.’
‘You are disgusting.’
‘Awwww, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me . . . Anyway . . . a little birdie told me that you got down and dirty with Stuart Hicks in the potting shed last night.’ He turned onto his side so we were face to face, almost close enough to kiss. ‘And I told the little birdie that it couldn’t possibly be true
because Stuart Hicks is revolting and probably has more STDs than a whole clinic. But the birdie was pretty adamant that you’d been spotted heading off into a quiet corner of the garden with Mr Hicks in hot pursuit. So . . . what do you say, Halliday? True or false?’
I tried to keep my face neutral even though my heart was racing and I could feel a blush creeping up my neck. ‘False! And quite frankly I’m offended you even felt the need to ask. Who was this little birdie anyway?’ I tried to go for a slightly less neutral facial expression, because neutral can be extra-suspicious sometimes. Still, my tone was maybe not as indignant as it would have been if the accusation had actually been false. If Kai had accused me of getting off with Stu Hicks a couple of days ago I would probably have decked him.
Kai just looked at me, saying nothing. I matched his silence, knowing full well that I could wait him out. Sure enough, after five seconds or so he said, ‘I couldn’t possibly divulge my sources. And I’m sorry for even mentioning such scurrilous rumours. I mean, I knew it couldn’t
possibly
be true, and I said as much last night. But you never know, do you? The crackling of the bonfire, the twinkling stars in the sky . . . it could make a girl crave a little romance, couldn’t it?’
He wiggled his eyebrows with such fake lasciviousness that I had to laugh.
‘Are we talking about me or you now, hmmm? Are you trying to tell me you got a bit of hot boy-onboy action last night? Don’t tell me . . . Bugs, right? I’ve always wondered about him. How was it? Rather sweaty and gross, I’d imagine.’
He put his hand up to his forehead and swooned back onto the bed. ‘I do declare that you have uncovered my deepest, darkest secret!’ His Southern Belle accent was one of his best, but I hadn’t heard it for a long time. ‘That Bugs is just so
manly
. He was like an animal, I tell you!’
‘That reminds me . . . we haven’t decided on Max yet! Which animal do you reckon he is? Think carefully now – this is VERY important.’
Kai laughed and shook his head. ‘You know what, Jem? You think about things waaaaay too much. I love you for it, but you are batshit crazy.’
Fair point, well made.
The rumour mill went into overdrive at school on Monday. Most people were talking about the party, especially the ones who hadn’t been invited. Kai relayed his personal favourites: there had been an orgy in Max’s parents’ bedroom; someone had given hash
cakes to the dog; and Stu Hicks had tried to prove how hard he was by running face first into a tree, breaking his nose in the process.
Kai was especially thrilled about the last one, given how he felt about Stu. When we caught sight of him at break time, Kai clapped his hands. ‘Oh my God, it’s true! Look at his face!’ He was laughing so hard I thought he might choke. I tried not to wince at the sight. Stu had a white strip of bandage across the bridge of his nose and there was ugly yellowish/purple bruising under his eyes.
He seemed to be OK though – laughing and joking around as usual. People kept on coming up to him and asking about his nose and you could tell he was loving the attention. At one point he looked over from the bench where he was holding court and his eyes passed right over me like I wasn’t even there. I should have been grateful, but a part of me wanted him to acknowledge what had happened between us. I wanted him to acknowledge
me
. Kai was right: I
was
batshit crazy.
It wasn’t until Wednesday night that everything turned insane. I was in my bedroom doing my homework and trying not to think about Stu. My phone rang. It was Kai. At least the caller ID told me it was him;
it certainly didn’t sound like Kai. ‘Have you checked your email?’
‘Not recently – why? Have you sent me another one of those cat videos?’ I clicked on my laptop to bring up the Internet.
‘I don’t know what to do. I just . . . Check your emails, OK?’
He disconnected the call. I had no idea what he was on about. But it was Kai . . . how bad could it be?
Really very bad, as it turned out.
I opened up my email account to find three new messages. One was from Kai, sent that morning. A link to a cat video. The second was spam. The third was from a sender I didn’t recognize: Captain Outrage. The email had been sent to Kai, but I’d been copied in.
A video file was attached. I opened it even though I’d never normally open files from someone I don’t know. It wasn’t very good quality – kind of grainy, and whoever had been holding the camera (or phone . . . yes, it was probably a phone) had a very shaky hand. There were two guys in the frame. One of them was sitting on the edge of a bed. The other one was kneeling in front of him, head buried in his crotch. It was pretty bloody obvious what was going on. The face and torso of the guy on the bed had been obscured somehow – like some kind of special effect or something.
He hadn’t been blacked out completely, but his face and body were a mass of pixels. Like they do on TV when they’re trying to hide someone’s identity.