***
This wasn’t the first time Caroline wished she could crawl into a deep hole and pull the dirt in over her, but the ride back to her apartment was by far the most humiliated she’d ever been. What had she been thinking? She hadn’t been. It was one of her great gifts that she could both overthink everything and blurt out exactly what was on her mind. And what had been on her mind was her amazing night with Josh.
She’d left one of her business cards with a note in his desk, offering her help without any strings, and she hoped he knew he could count on her. Her firm was getting a reputation for playing fast and loose with environmental laws, and she didn’t want Josh to get caught in the crossfire.
The driver asked for her address and Caroline wondered what she’d tell her roommate when she got home. She and Tessa Maneri had been friends since their first day together at Cornell. They couldn’t have been more different, but that was part of what made it fun. What they did have in common were their sharp minds and commitment to their futures. They’d both deferred dating until they’d finished school, but unlike Caroline, Tessa had jumped into the New York social scene with both feet. Her friend had landed a high-profile job with a political think tank that put her in contact with the rich and powerful in New York and Washington. Tessa went out a lot. She dated a lot. Unfortunately, Caroline hadn’t had the same luck.
Sometimes, she wondered if she’d set the bar too high. Men she met through her work were smart and successful, but no one had ever really interested Caroline. It was possible now that she’d been with Josh, no one would ever be good enough.
She’d worshipped him when she was a young teen and they lived on the estate. Then when the families exploded over Meg and Jason’s relationship, everything fell apart.
Granted, her memories were skewed by her age and the pubescent fog that had settled over her brain the minute she’d turned twelve. She had been the queen of angst. But when she watched her sister and Jason, high school sweethearts, it all seemed perfect. Of course, looking back, she could see that it wasn’t perfect at all. She’d heard her sister crying alone at night. She’d overheard Jason talking to his father about the “problem” he had with Meg.
At the time, Caroline didn’t know why Meg was crying. She didn’t know why there was a problem. All she knew was that when Jason and Meg broke up there was screaming and accusation, and Mr. Campbell had painted her sister as an opportunistic slut.
The result was that Caroline had to leave the only home she’d ever known, and in her mind it was her sister’s fault.
Not long after leaving the Campbell estate, her father died. It was a massive heart attack. And all Caroline could see was that her life was in a shambles. She resented her sister, and she felt that way for a long time. She didn’t think about Jason’s role in the mess, or Mr. Campbell’s. All Caroline could do was turn inward and focus on what she’d lost. Her father, her sense of home.
Now, of course, she knew that Josh and Jason’s parents had been at the root of everything and that her father’s love of good food and genetics had been behind his heart attack. But Meg and Caroline lost more than a few years to anger and resentment. It was a long time before they felt like sisters again.
And at times it was still a struggle, because Meg couldn’t help being the bossy older sister. Jason tried to temper her, and at times he succeeded, but Caroline knew there was no way Meg could ever know her sister and Josh had slept together. Ever. This was something Caroline vowed she would take to her grave. Not only did Meg distrust Josh, she was way too overprotective of Caroline to accept her as an adult making her own choices.
Then her adolescent fantasy reemerged and Josh was right there. The last twelve hours were going to be with her forever, and Caroline figured that was a blessing and a curse. She’d always have the memory.
But on the flip side, holding onto the memory meant nothing would ever be as good.
Josh was everything she’d expected with a few surprises thrown in. Confident, handsome, and larger than life, he seemed like the guy he’d always been. But he wasn’t. The person she met last night — the one who ran interference so she didn’t have to make excuses to the guy harassing her, the one who liked pizza from a local pizzeria and who spent Friday night watching movies, the man who made her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world — was exactly what she didn’t expect, but exactly what she needed.
And even though there wasn’t ever any hope of their being together, Caroline couldn’t help feeling that she’d messed up something really important.
***
The sun was up when the car stopped in front of her building. The street was coming to life. People were out for a morning run, or to walk the dog, or to get the morning paper and a cup of coffee. Caroline was just getting home and everyone knew it.
When she walked into the apartment she smelled the coffee. Tessa was not a late sleeper, so Caroline was fairly sure she was about to be debriefed.
Stepping into their airy and bright living room, Tessa handed her a mug of coffee, made just the way Caroline liked it, and motioned to the couch.
Caroline sat. And waited.
Tess set down her mug, took a deep breath and then cracked. “Where the hell have you been? I got one call with you saying you’re okay and then nothing. Where were you all night?”
Caroline sipped her coffee and watched as Tessa went into full overdrive. If she wasn’t so upset about botching things with Josh, she’d be laughing. But instead, all she could hope was that she wouldn’t cry.
“Well? Where were you? Or better, who were you with?”
Caroline mustered her courage and told the truth. To a point. “I was with a guy.”
Tessa froze. “Seriously?”
She nodded. “Yup.”
Scooting next to her on the couch, Tessa reached for her coffee, then quickly pulled her hand away. “Oh, screw the coffee.” She went to the refrigerator and grabbed the Baileys and two glasses. After pouring, she handed one of the tumblers to Caroline and clinked their glasses before proposing a toast. “Here’s to giving it up.”
“What? What do you mean?” How did she know?
“Oh, come on, Caroline. I’ve known you for ten years and you’ve never been out all night with a man. Hell, I can’t remember when you ever seriously dated someone.”
Caroline downed the Baileys and Tess refilled her glass. “I was with someone I knew. I ran into him after work and he kind of rescued me from having to go out with Mark.”
“Mark again? Well props to the guy for running interference, but you didn’t have to sleep with him for that.”
“I know. It started out casual, just dinner at his place. Pizza. A movie. But things kind of developed.”
Tess sat back and smiled. “Was he good? I mean this was your first time, right?”
“I don’t love thinking about that. It’s humiliating.”
“Don’t be embarrassed, but I have to tell you, I’m relieved. I won’t lie. I was kind of getting worried about you. But again... was he good? Was it book-worthy?”
Caroline looked away and thought about Josh, and she could still feel him. Still feel his hands, his kisses. “It was just how you’d want it to be. However many times you’d done it.”
“Wow.” Tessa took a drink. “Are you going to tell me who it is?”
“No. I won’t be seeing him again. At least not like that.”
“Oh, you don’t know that. Maybe you will.”
She’d see him; that was inevitable. It was going to be hell, but she would see him.
Caroline wondered how quickly she could enter a convent. That would be one way to keep from having to deal with the emotional fallout, but she’d have to definitely give up writing. A romance– writing nun? Nope. Not in the cards.
“You’re thinking,” Tessa said. “Stop it. Enjoy the fact that you had great sex. Hell, enjoy the fact that you HAD sex, and let the rest of it go. Channel it into the book you’re working on.”
It was good advice. Sound advice, but Caroline knew that she’d never forget, never be able to let it go. And what she said? What she proposed? Would probably haunt her forever.
Every time she saw Josh, she’d be reminded of what a failure she was.
“I’m going to take a shower and get some sleep. Maybe that will help clear my head.”
Tessa stood and hugged Caroline. “We all have bad experiences with guys. I swear, it’s going to be okay.”
Caroline blew out a breath and couldn’t get past the ball of disgust rolling around in her stomach. She couldn’t even talk about what she was feeling. The utter disappointment in herself for being so socially inept. So presumptuous.
Going into her room, she sat on the bed and tipped over onto the pillows, clutching one in the same way she held onto Josh last night. The first tear ran over her cheek, and then another. Soon, she was softly weeping, the tears soaking her pillow. Caroline didn’t know exactly why she was crying, but she knew there was no way to stop it.
Tessa was right there, rubbing her hand up and down Caroline’s spine and placing a box of tissues in her reach. She let her cry for a few minutes before she jabbed an elbow in her side.
“Come on,” Tessa said. “We don’t cry over one-night stands. Stop being a baby and get over it.”
“I’m such a loser.”
“No, you’re learning.” Tessa pulled Caroline to a sitting position and grabbed the pillow, tossing it across the room. “Take your shower so we can go out to eat. You need food.”
“I’m not hungry.” Caroline grabbed a tissue and blew her nose.
“Not even for Nico’s stuffed banana pancakes?” Tessa grinned and Caroline cursed her for tempting her with breakfast at their favorite diner.
“That’s playing dirty.”
Tessa gave her a playful shove. “Whatever it takes.”
Chapter 5
“Are you sure you don’t mind?” Her sister was running around her bedroom looking more glamorous in her lingerie than most women would look in a designer gown. She and her billionaire husband had a benefit to go to and Caroline was babysitting her adoptive niece, Molly. Hanging out with Molly was one of her favorite things to do when she came out to Long Island, and the way her love life was going, there was a very good chance she’d never have a baby of her own, so having Molly in her life was a big plus.
“I tell you every time you ask, I love spending time with Molly. I don’t mind.”
“Okay, I just don’t want to take you away from anything. Can you help me with my dress?”
“Sure.” Caroline took the gown off the hangar and held it so Meg could step into it. Her sister was a bundle of contradictions. On one hand she worried Caroline wasn’t having enough of a social life;, on the other hand she worried about her living in the city and tried to tell her what to do. It was all well-meaning, but Caroline just wanted to be left alone. She wanted to be able to make her own choices.
Tonight, her choice was to babysit while Meg and Jason went to a hospital benefit. “Your dress is gorgeous. I love how blue looks on you.”
Meg smoothed the dress over her hips. “You think so? I wear it so much I think sometimes it’s the only color that looks right. You look good in everything.”
Pushing her glasses back on her nose, Caroline shook her head. Obviously not good enough.
“Something wrong?” Caroline looked up and saw her sister’s reflection. Meg was so gorgeous, with her wild blonde hair and big, tilty green eyes, that Caroline felt every bit the geek. Especially after what had happened this morning. What a disaster.
“I’m fine. I guess I’m just tired of being on my own, you know?”
“No prospects?” Meg sat on the bed next to her.
“No. I think all the nice guys are taken. It’s possible you married the last one.”
“I don’t know about
all
,” Meg said. “I’m sure there are a couple left. You just need to find someone who can keep up with you.”
Understanding big sister
Meg was in the house tonight. It was nice when she made an appearance instead of
I want to control your life
Meg or
Don’t be an idiot
Meg.
“Is the guy at work still bothering you?”
“It comes and goes. But you know, he is single. Maybe I’m just being too picky.” Caroline was starting to wonder if she was the one with the problem. Mark was all the things Melanie said he was... successful, reasonably handsome—but he was fifteen years older, and that could be a problem in and of itself. They had no common ground. And, of course, now every man would have to live up to Josh in bed, and she imagined that would be no easy feat.
She just couldn’t get past Mark’s creepy factor. In the end, that was the big deterrent.
Her sister patted Caroline’s leg before she stood. “Trust your instincts. I trusted mine about Jason. It all worked out.”
Now her sister had her worried. Understanding was one thing, but she was being downright reasonable.
“Do you have a fever?”
“What?” Her sister looked shocked. “A fever? No!”
“Get hit in the head?” Something wasn’t right.
“What is wrong with you?”
“You never trust me to make my own decisions. Never.”
“That’s not true.” Meg stood and turned to face her. Her arms were folded and she had her lip out in her best pout. It worked like a charm on her husband. Caroline was immune.
“Seriously, Meg.”
Her sister went to her dresser and fiddled with a pair of diamond studs that probably cost as much as a small car. “I try to watch out for you. I’m not apologizing for that.”
“Who are you watching out for this time?”
Her brother-in-law Jason entered the room and handed Meg an untied black bow tie, which she draped around his neck and went to work on.
“Caroline said I’m controlling.”
“You are,” Jason said, kissing the top of his wife’s head. “But we know it’s because you love us.”
Caroline loved the exchange between them and thought about how lucky she was to have people in her life who had these kinds of relationships. It gave her hope.
Jason was so classically handsome it was almost like he wasn’t real. His short, dark hair was thick and smooth, his bone structure was almost regal, and his eyes were like his brother’s. Clear, expressive, and blue.
Jason and Josh’s parents may have been horrible people, but the genetic mix produced gorgeous children.
“Jason, do you know anyone we can fix Caroline up with?”
“I don’t do fix-ups,” he said. “They always end badly.”
Meg pouted again and Jason grinned down at her as she finished tying his tie. “Please?”
“I don’t really know anyone. I don’t get out much.” Kissing the tip of her nose, he stepped away and sat in a big wing chair by the window to put on his shoes.
“What about Owen?” Meg had no shame. Asking Jason about his business partner wasn’t fair.
“You know I am here, Meg? In the room? Ask me about Owen,” Caroline said.
“Do you want me to fix you up with Owen?”
“No.” Caroline stood up and stepped toward the bedroom door. “I’m going to get Molly into her pajamas and watch a movie.”
“Caroline, I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Meg, that’s part of life, and what sucks for me right now is that I haven’t even had the opportunity to lick my wounds.”
That was kind of a lie; she’d been licking her wounds all day. She’d become intimately involved with two guys named Ben and Jerry. Meg just hadn’t seen it.
The last two days had been a combination of dream and nightmare. Caroline was doing her best to focus on doing the right thing for herself and, at that moment, for Molly, whom she found in her room changing into her jammies. When Grace, Jason and Josh’s sister and Meg’s best friend, was killed in a car accident with her husband, Caroline found herself thrust into the role of aunt when Meg became Molly’s guardian.
Caroline cherished the relationship, and Molly was the best part of her visits to her sister’s house. Especially since Meg couldn’t control her need to run Caroline’s life.
Looking down, Caroline saw Moe Kitty, Molly’s cat, slinking around her legs. “Hey, Moe.”
The cat looked up at her with his large green eyes and purred. “He sounds like a little motor boat,” she thought aloud.
“He makes all kinds of noises,” Molly said. “His meows are soooo noisy!”
As if on cue the cat meowed, seeming like he was almost trying to say words. “What does he want? Attention?” Caroline crouched down and scratched the cat behind the ear. He moved his head and then tried to bite her.
“He’s not always nice,” Molly said. “I think he’s hungry.”
“Ah, well we’ll feed him later. Let’s go make some popcorn and watch that movie.”
Caroline took her niece’s hand and they started to make their way through the rambling home Jason had bought when he and Meg had married six months earlier. She and Molly were walking down the back staircase into the kitchen when she heard voices. One voice in particular, which was big and booming.
Her toes curled.
Josh.
Perfect. She heard him laugh and then a high-pitched feminine giggle followed. Could this get worse?
“Come on, Aunt Caroline.” Molly was tugging on her hand because Caroline hadn’t realized she’d stopped on the stairs.
“Right.” But every step made her more wary, more uncomfortable, because at the end of the stairway she’d be facing one of her biggest mistakes.
Molly broke away and ran as soon as she saw her uncle. “Uncle Josh!”
“Hey, squirt. What are you up to tonight?” He looked more gorgeous in his black tux than should have been legal, and all Caroline could think of was how he looked out of it. But the tall blonde woman in the silver dress next to him smacked the carnal thoughts right out of Caroline’s head.
“Me and Aunt Caroline are watching a movie.”
“Aww,” the blonde said. “She’s so cute.”
Josh hadn’t noticed Caroline was standing there until Molly said something, but when he did, his eyes found hers and she wasn’t sure what she saw. Was it anger? Pity? Caroline was feeling pretty pitiful, so maybe that was it.
“Hey,” he said.
He took a step closer and Caroline got a whiff of his cologne and felt a bit weak in the knees.
Pathetic
.
“I didn’t know you were babysitting.” God, his voice was like music.
“I don’t know why you would.” Caroline stepped off the last step and stood next to Molly.
“You two know each other?” Caroline sensed the blonde felt threatened. Why, she didn’t know. Caroline hadn’t even bothered with a pair of jeans for tonight; she’d gone right for the yoga pants and a slubby T-shirt. She was a mess. She didn’t care.
“Caroline is Meg’s sister. We go way back.”
“
You’re Meg’s sister
?”
Josh’s date couldn’t contain her shock. “Wow. You two are so... different.”
“Imagine that,” Caroline said, annoyed at the implication. “I didn’t get your name.”
“Oh, sorry,” Josh said. “Caroline, this is Summer.”
“Summer,” Caroline repeated. “That’s an interesting name.”
“Yeah. Apparently, I was conceived in the summer.”
Now there was the perfect example of too much information.
There was more noise as Jason and Meg entered the room. “Hey there, are we all ready?” Meg asked.
Jason looked out the window. “The car is here.”
“We’re going to take my car,” Josh said. “I know you two will be the last out tonight.”
“I helped organize this,” Meg said. “I have to stay.”
“I know. That’s why I’m driving.”
“No limo?” Summer whined.
Josh shook his head and Caroline thought she saw an eye roll from him that was worthy of a teenage girl, but she couldn’t be sure.
There wasn’t much she could say or do at that point. Summer was sulking about going to the party in Josh’s new Jaguar instead of a limo. Josh looked annoyed, and Meg was going over her notes for the speech she was giving tonight.
So Caroline just watched as the two gorgeous Campbell brothers prepared to escort their equally beautiful dates to a ball.
In contrast, Caroline was preparing for an evening of Disney princess movies. Kind of perfect since she was feeling a little bit like a pumpkin.
Meg and Jason kissed Molly goodnight and warned her to be good. Josh said good-bye too, but there was no warning. Summer stood there. Like a mannequin.
Within a few seconds, the voices, the sound of the high heels clicking on the tile, the jingling keys were gone with the partygoers, and Caroline was left with Molly and her cat, who was purring at Caroline’s feet again.
“I’m not stupid, cat. You might look cute, but I’m not going to let you bite me.”
Ironically, that’s the same way she felt about men right at that moment. The cat meowed.
Caroline walked away.
She wasn’t about to be bitten.
***
Josh pulled into the long driveway at Meg and Jason’s house, thankful the evening was over. Summer had caught a ride back to the city with friends after the benefit, and Josh was looking forward to a good night’s sleep.
God knew he barely slept last night. Having Caroline in his bed made that pretty much impossible. Even when she’d dozed off, he lay there, watching her sleep. It wasn’t anything he’d ever done before, with any woman, but she was different. He felt the need to watch over her. To make sure she was okay.
Just seeing her before the group left for the benefit got his blood humming. She had been a total mess, and looked at him like he’d kicked a puppy, but he’d still felt himself drawn to her. And thinking about how touching her would make him feel.
He was in such trouble.
She hadn’t been all too happy about seeing him either, and he could only imagine what she thought of Summer.
Summer.
Pretty girl, but she couldn’t hold a candle to Caroline in terms of brain power, and as a result his evening was filled with insipid chatter about what everyone was wearing at the dinner. At least her friends could give her the limo ride she so wanted.
Very different from the evening he’d shared with Caroline the night before.
When he got into the mud room, he saw a light glowing from somewhere near the kitchen, and as he entered the main part of the house, he heard a familiar tick-tick-tick sound of someone’s fingers tapping on a keyboard.
The light was coming from the den, and that’s where Josh found Caroline sitting cross-legged on the plush, over-sized sofa, her computer in her lap, totally zoned on whatever she was doing.
He approached her from behind and watched. She was writing. The words were flying onto the page and Caroline had no idea he was even in the room. It was a wild thing to watch. He’d seen athletes in the zone, and he assumed it was the same thing for her. She was working the page, typing so fast he couldn’t follow her fingers.
The shocker came when he saw what she was writing.
Sex.
Hot, sweaty sex. The girl may not have a lot of experience, but she had a hell of an imagination.
He read over her shoulder for a minute and let himself get drawn in. It was kind of amazing because she was writing the sex from her male character’s point of view. And she was doing it pretty well. There were just a few things she could have tweaked. Mostly that the guy, Travis, wouldn’t be thinking so much. Why did women always want men to think so damn much?
She was writing something now about a burn.
A burn
? Eh. He felt a lot of things during sex, but no burning. She should fix that.
“I don’t think that’s right.” There was no way for Josh to anticipate how Caroline was going to react.
“AHHHHHH!” She jumped and had to clutch her computer to keep it from falling, and the look on her face was a wash of emotions he couldn’t read. “What the hell! Oh, my God! Are you crazy?”
“What?”
“You scared the shit out of me!” Caroline flipped the laptop closed and held it to her chest like a shield while trying to steady her breathing. She looked really shaken. Instinctively, Josh reached out, laying his hands on her shoulders. The second he touched her he knew he’d made a mistake. Both of them froze and Caroline’s face told him everything.