Unforgettable (6 page)

She kept her silence, her hand suddenly feeling cold on my chest.

“She meant nothing to me.”

“Did you kiss her?”

“No. I don’t kiss when I fuck.”

“Have you…had sex with her before?”

“Several times.”

Her breathing increased. I felt her chest rise and fall and her warm breath fall on my skin. I did nothing wrong. She dumped me and broke my heart. Nothing really happened anyway. “Livia?”

“Yeah?”

“Does this change anything?”

“I hate picturing you with her…it hurts. But no, it doesn’t change anything.”

“For what its worth, I regret it.”

“I know.”

I would ask if she was with anyone, but I already knew the answer. “Am I your first serious boyfriend? Or have there been others?”

“I’ve never had a boyfriend before.”

What? How was that possible?
She was drop-dead gorgeous. And she was twenty-two. “Is there a reason why?”

“I just never met the right guy. Everyone notices my beauty but never pays attention to anything else. They don’t listen to me talk. They don’t care about my opinion. They just want to sleep with me…use me.”

“I’m honored,” I whispered.

“So am I.” She kissed my shoulder then snuggled into me.

If what she said was true then…when did she lose her virginity? Was her first time a superficial fuck? Did she just sleep around? That didn’t sound like her. “Livia?”

“Yeah?”

I didn’t want to ask the question. I feared the answer. “When did you lose your virginity…?”

Silence stretched. She remained still. Her breathing hadn’t changed. Her fingers lightly touched my skin, not giving anything away. The darkness enveloped us, making me feel scared. I hoped for a different answer than the one I knew she would give.

She took a deep breath, her body moving closer to mine. “When I was raped.”

Fuck.

I tried not to let it get to me, but it did. I was so fucking pissed.

Why did this have to happen to the girl I loved? She was sweet and kind. She was passionate and beautiful. Why did demons have to demoralize her, rip her apart until there was nothing left?

I needed space.

I loved her with my whole heart. Nothing would ever change that. But I was afraid to show my anger around her, to let her see just how much it ripped me apart. The last thing I wanted was for her to think my feelings had changed. They hadn’t.

And they never would.

Tate aimed a punch at my throat but I sidestepped him then slammed my fist into his nose. I hit him hard, making blood seep. When he was off balance, I twisted his arm back, tripped him, and then kicked him to the ground.

I wasn’t done.

I grabbed his ankle when he turned onto his back.

“Enough!”

I dropped him then walked to the end of the mat, wanting to rip someone’s face off.

“What’s gotten into you?”

I placed my arms on the wall and leaned into it, resting my face against the white paint.

“Your performance has never been better but you’re acting like a lunatic.”

I breathed through the anger, wanting it to go away. I needed it to go away.

“Look at me.”

I stayed still.

“I’m talking to you, Strately.”

I finally faced him, feeling my arms shake.

He studied me before he lowered his voice. “Want to tell me what’s going on?”

“No.” I took off my gloves then threw them on the ground.

“When it affects my time with you, I need to know.”

“It’s none of your damn business,” I snapped.

“It is my business.” He marched to me, getting in my face. He wiped the blood from his face and continued to stare. “Now tell me. If you can’t concentrate then something needs to change.”

I kept my silence.

“Is it this girl you’re hung up on?”

I didn’t want to talk about Livia. “I’m done for today.”

“You were done the moment you walked in that door.”

“Fuck you.” My anger couldn’t be controlled.

He grabbed my arm and forced me to face him head on. “I’m not only your trainer. I’m your friend and I care about you. When you came in here, I wasn’t impressed. I figured this would be a waste of time. But you’ve come so far, have pushed yourself to the limits, and you’re one of the best fighters I’ve ever had the pleasure of training. Now talk to me, son.”

I was cracking, falling apart. I’d take my own life just to spare Livia the pain. She didn’t deserve to be assaulted like that.

“Strately?”

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “Someone very close to me was raped.” I hated saying it. I kept picturing what they did to her, how they held her down while she sobbed. How much it must have hurt her…  “And…I’m not handling it very well.”

Tate backed off slightly. “It’s your girl, isn’t it?”

I didn’t answer. I told Livia I wouldn’t tell anyone.

“I’m sorry, man. If there’s anything I can do, let me know.”

“There’s nothing,” I said bitterly.

“I’m here for you anyway.” He gave me a sad look. “Take the rest of the week off.”

“No,” I snapped. “I need this. I can’t function without violence.”

“Then you definitely need to take a break.”

“No. Why do you think Liam is such a great fighter? You think it’s because he’s happy and dandy all the time? No. He’s got his shit too. This is the only thing that helps me. This is the only way I can release my anger.” I moved back to the center of the mat. “So no, I will not be taking a break.”

I avoided Livia as much as possible. I needed to be alone right now. I couldn’t hide the anguish I felt. I couldn’t bottle the pain. It destroyed me, ripped me in half. Someone hurt my girl. How could I just pretend everything was okay? They took her fucking virginity.

God, I needed to kill someone.

Every time she called, I answered but made an excuse why I couldn’t see her. When she wanted to get lunch after class, I lied and said I wasn’t hungry. I made excuses over and over, choosing to stay in my house and listen to the echo of my own thoughts. I went through beers like they were water. I slept alone and my nightmares made me wake up in tears.

I couldn’t do this anymore. How did she survive this? How could she possibly trust me after what happened to her? How could she lay in a bed with me and feel safe? How could she fall in love with me? It was almost too hard to believe.

I heard a knock on the door and froze. I didn’t want to see anyone right now. Whoever it was, they could go to hell. I just wanted to be alone, to figure out how I was going to get through this without strangling every stranger I passed on the street.

I walked to the door and looked through the peephole.

It was Livia.

God fucking damn it.

I sighed then opened the door.

She looked at me, fear and concern in her eyes. The pain and hurt was etched onto every line of her face. Her eyes were wide, and a distant coat of moisture glimmered.

I stared at her, unsure what to say.

“If you don’t want to be with me anymore, just tell me. This hurts a lot more…”

I’m such a fucking jackass.

“Don’t feel bad. I understand. I don’t think less of you. This was what I expected from the beginning. But don’t be a coward and avoid me.”

“Livia, it’s not like that…”

“Then why are you avoiding me?”

I opened the door wider. “Come inside and we’ll talk.”

She didn’t move for a second. Then she forced herself to come inside.

After I shut the door, I wrapped my arms around her waist. “I want to be with you forever.” I looked into her eyes as I said it. “That will never change.”

“Then why are you acting like this?”

I dropped my hands to my side, feeling wrong for touching her. “I…I guess I’m not handling this well.”

She crossed her arms over her chest.

“I’m just…so angry. I’m so mad. It’s not fair.” I felt my emotion break. I didn’t want her to see this side of me. I was weak. I was supposed to be a man, to be the strong and silent type. Emotions had no business in my life. But I couldn’t keep it back. “Every time I think about what happened to you…I die inside. I love you so much and it kills me every time I think about it. It haunts my thoughts and my dreams. I hate myself for not being there, for not stopping it. Knowing that was your first time…it makes me sick.” The tears broke the surface and I turned away from her, not letting her see my face. “I hate that this happened to you.”

She stepped closer to me then put her hands on my back. She didn’t try to turn me around. Instead, she massaged my muscles, trying to calm me. The tears fell down my face for a moment before I stopped them. My face was warm and the drops moved to my lips. “It’s okay…” Her fingers massaged the back of my neck.

“How could you possibly ever trust me?”

“You aren’t like them.” She said it simply, with no emotion. “I’m slowly realizing that not every guy is a pig. There are men out there who respect others, who are gentle despite their size, and they love fiercely and with their whole heart. And I found one.”

I wiped the tears off my face and blinked my eyes. “I would never do something like that, not to you. Not to anyone.”

“I know,” she said quietly.

“I just didn’t know how to be around you…I needed time to process it. The fact you were a virgin pushed me over the edge.”

“I understand.”

“But I’m not going anywhere—not ever.”

“I know that too.”

I turned around, finally able to show my face.

She stared into my eyes before she moved into my chest. She was a foot shorter than me, so I could easily rest my head on hers. Her petite size made me more protective of her. She barely weighed a hundred and thirty pounds. I was twice her size and weight.

I pressed a kiss to her forehead while I held her in my entryway. Getting all of that off my chest made me feel better. I guess I just needed to talk about it, to come to terms with it. “You’re comforting me when I should be comforting you.”

“You comfort me every day, Scotty—more than you realize.”

I held her, harboring the pain with her. Now she didn’t have to be burned with the torment anymore. I could share the load with her. I could carry all of it if she let me. “You should tell Ash.”

“No,” she said immediately. “It’ll ruin him.”

“I know you’re trying to protect him, but he needs to know. He’ll understand you better. He won’t push you to be something you aren’t. And he can help you.”

“I can’t hurt him. My brother acts like he despises me but I know how much he loves me. He’ll hate himself for not protecting me, for not noticing the signs. He’ll feel like a failure.”

“Even so…”

“I just can’t.”

I decided not to push her. “And as much as I hate to admit it, you should tell your parents.”

“Definitely not,” she said firmly.

I didn’t press her on that topic either. Instead, I held her close to me, feeling my love for her grow. “What are there names?” This is what I really wanted to know, needed to know.

“Who?”

“You know who,” I said through gritted teeth.

She pulled away. “I don’t know…I didn’t see their faces. Everything was a blur and they blindfolded me. All I heard were there voices.”

“You recognized someone at that party. Who was it?” I wouldn’t be discouraged by any dead end.

“Well…he was one of them. The others I don’t know.”

A lead. “What’s his name?”

She gave me a fearful look. “Why?”

“Just give me his name.”

Livia wouldn’t budge. “No. I know what you’ll do.”

“And what is that?”

“You’ll…hurt him.”

“Damn right. Why do you care? He doesn’t deserve mercy from you.” I clenched my fists, feeling my temperature rise.

“I don’t want you to get in trouble. You could easily be arrested and kicked out of school.”

My eyes flashed wide. The adrenaline kicked in. “You think I give a shit about any of that? I don’t care about school. I care about you.”

She crossed her arms over her chest.

“I’m dropping out anyway. I want to be a professional fighter. You know this.”

“It still won’t solve anything.” She shifted her weight. “I just want to forget about this whole thing.”

“Forget about it?” I asked incredulously. “What will that solve?”

“It’ll go away eventually.”

“How’s that been working out?” I asked bitterly.

She met my look, the fear in her eyes.

“Livia, tell me who the fuck he is.” I wanted to strangle her for being uncooperative.