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He lifted a dark brow. 'That was quick. Are you sure that you've given it enough time?'

She nodded. 'I'm sure.'

He looked at her doubtfully. 'What decision did you come to?'

'I'll let you know on Monday,' she said. She pulled in a deep breath. 'I have a few things to do right now, so I prefer not to stay around here. I need to start tidying up my life and putting a few plans into action.'

His expression was not what she expected. He looked concerned, a little edgy, as though he was uneasy about exactly what she might have come up with.

Perhaps he was worried that she might have made up her mind to stay on in A and E. He might be thinking that her success in helping Jenny and Tom had given her a false sense of security.

'I must go,' she said, and she started to hurry away. She had made her decision, it was true enough, and it was the events of the afternoon that had brought things home to her.

Mark called after her, but she took no notice. She didn't want to stand here and talk to him about it just now. She needed to clear a few things in her head first.

It was all about finding courage and strength of mind, and she had to face her demons once and for all.

She went up to the intensive care unit and enquired after the asthmatic mother and her newborn infant.

'The baby is doing well,' the nurse said. 'He was resuscitated very quickly, and he's responding much better than we expected. His heart rate and respiration are both good, and he's moving actively. We're pleased with him.'

'What about the mother?'

'We're happy with her progress, too. We're keeping her intubated, but hopefully we'll be able to withdraw the tube some time tomorrow. She'll stay on the heart monitor for now, but that's mostly as a precaution. Once we have her condition fully stabilised, we'll send her over to the maternity unit.'

'That's good to hear,' Sarah said, a warm feeling spreading through her. 'I'm relieved that they're both improving.'

'It must have been a worrying time for you,' the nurse said. 'You hardly ever see these sorts of cases. You must have been really anxious for both of them.'

'I was, but I feel better now. Thanks.'

Sarah left the unit and headed home. She wanted to know how her father and Jamie had fared during the day, and she knew that her father would want to know whether she had managed to sort out her problems.

On Monday morning she walked into A and E, and Mark called her into his office straight away. She frowned. 'I was just going to help out with the people who were injured in the early morning road traffic accident,' she told him.

'We already have staff covering that,' he said curtly. 'If they need help, they'll call us. I'd like a word with you now, if you will.'

Sarah nodded. He was being very formal with her, and it bothered her a little. She had hoped for a more receptive meeting with him, but this didn't bode very well at all. She glanced around and saw that Jonathan was watching her, looking a trifle anxious. Perhaps he had heard some of the rumours going around, and was expecting her to hear bad news.

She followed Mark into his room, and he wasted no time in getting to the point. He stood in front of his desk, leaning back against it, his hands cupping the edge, his long legs thrust out in front of him and crossed at the ankle. He was far too good-looking for her peace of mind, she thought resentfully. Why did she have to be so aware of him at a time like this?

'You said on Saturday that you had managed to think things through. Are you still happy with the decision you made?'

'Yes, I am.'

'Well?'

She straightened her shoulders. 'I realise that you might not like this,' she began, 'but I've decided that I want to stay on. When my contract comes to an end, I'm going to apply for the permanent position in A and E.'

He stared at her. 'Let me get this straight. You want to stay on as an emergency doctor—is that right?'

'That's what I said.' She pressed her lips together momentarily. 'The thing is, although you made it fairly plain to me that you think I'm not up to it, I've come to the conclusion that I was wrong to have so many doubts.'

His brows met in a dark line, but she pushed on, regardless. 'No one can work in A and E and know that they are never going to make a mistake. Everyone must feel a degree of uncertainty, especially to begin with— when you're just starting out, or if you've only had a few months' experience. I've had almost a year in the department, and I can't expect to be an expert. Confidence will come with time. I was wrong to think that I'm no good because I can't always save my patients.'

'I see... I think.' He studied her. 'So, all of a sudden, you're feeling much more self-assured, and you're ready to go back into the fray?' His mouth made a wry twist. 'Forgive me, but I can't help wondering how this miraculous conversion came about.'

She winced. 'It was Jenny and her little boy—the one who nearly went into the duckpond—who made me realise where I was going wrong. You set out to do good, but you can't always get the best result because quite often you start off with bad odds, and then you can only do your very best to put matters right.' She looked up at him and saw that there was a quizzical expression in his eyes. Perhaps she wasn't making herself clear.

She said, 'The little boy was hurtling towards the pond, and his mother wanted to save him and prevent him from coming to any harm. She couldn't save him because the odds were against her, and so she did the next best thing. She made sure that, one way or another, he was going to survive. It wasn't the best of outcomes because he banged his head, but at least he didn't drown, and at least he didn't go crashing down onto the bottom of the concrete pond.'

Mark moved away from the desk. 'So you're saying that a doctor can only do his or her best in the circumstances? You're saying that there is sometimes a chance that the patient might die or suffer the consequences of his illness or accident, but the doctor does his or her best, and tries to get the most satisfactory outcome possible?'

She swallowed. She wasn't entirely sure that he agreed with her. His manner was slightly odd, and it wasn't at all what she was used to. 'That's what I'm saying.'

He began to smile and now it was her turn to look at him oddly.

'Why are you smiling?' she asked.

'Because you finally seem to have worked it out,' he said. He shook his head. 'Well, it's about time. I thought the penny would never drop.'

'What do you mean?'

He came over to her and put his hands on her shoulders, his thumbs lightly caressing her. 'How many times have I told you that you did what you could to help a patient and that, if the outcome wasn't the best, it wasn't your fault? You did what you could for Ryan, and it wasn't your fault that he suffered a haematoma and went into a coma. There was nothing you could have done to prevent that, and there was no way you could have treated it at the roadside.'

He looked down at her, and his hands were stroking the length of her arms, filling her with warmth, sending little spirals of sensation to spark along all her nerve endings.

'You thought you had made a mistake when you were about to discharge the man with the tumour in his salivary gland. How were you supposed to know that it was a tumour? I guessed, because I have years of experience behind me, but you did the right thing anyway. You sent him for an urgent consultation. That's what any other doctor would have done.'

She frowned. Despite the wonderful feelings that were flowing through her because of the way he was touching her, the way his hands were caressing her, she had to remind herself that he was the one who had told her that she was not up to it, that she wasn't cut out to be an emergency doctor. Bewildered, she said, 'Why did you tell me that I was no good at my job?'

'I couldn't see any other way to make you stop and think. I tried telling you that you weren't to blame when things went wrong, but you didn't believe me, and in the end I decided that shock tactics were called for.' He drew her to him, holding her close. 'I wanted you to go away and work it out for yourself.'

Her mouth made a crooked slant. 'I think your strategy worked. I couldn't believe that you were actually telling me that I was no good. I was stunned to have you agree with me. It wasn't a very nice experience, and it isn't one that I would ever want to repeat.' She had been falling in love with him, and it had hurt that he was sending her out into the cold. Now that she was in his arms again, it was like coming home.

He made a wry face. 'I can echo that. I was scared out of my wits that you'd come back and tell me that you were off to go and work in Paediatrics, or that you would take me up on the research programme.'

He lifted his hand and ran his thumb gently over her cheek. 'I was so worried that I'd gone too far that I almost went looking for you to tell you that I didn't mean it.'

'You know,' she said softly, 'I'm glad that I was able to find out for myself. When I saw what happened with Jenny and the little boy, it came to me that you have to have faith in yourself, and you can only do your very best. You can't do any more than that.'

He lowered his head and kissed her full on the mouth. 'You can't know how relieved I am,' he said. 'I thought I'd blown it. I'm so glad to know that I didn't.'

There was a knock at the door, and they sprang apart as Jonathan put his head around it and looked at them. 'We've more patients coming in,' he said. 'We need everybody we can get to help out.'

'We're on our way,' Mark murmured.

Sarah followed him to the door, and then went with Jonathan to prepare for the patients. She was feeling a little shaky after the abrupt end to her meeting with Mark. She hadn't expected such warmth and closeness, and she had been dazed to find that he cared enough to make her discover the truth.

Now that she was back in the real world, though, she realised that he might simply have been trying to make her feel better about herself. It didn't mean that he felt for her in the same way that she had grown to care for him. She loved him, but it was probably a fruitless love.

She went with Jonathan to the ambulance bay to receive the patients. He said, 'You're not going to leave us, are you?'

'What makes you think that I would be leaving?'

'It was just something that Mark said. He mentioned that you were interested in working in Paediatrics. He said you'd been thinking about it, but he thought we would be losing a good doctor if you went. I agree with him. You've taught me so much, and I was hoping that you would stay. You're always so cool and level-headed, and you're an inspiration to me.'

Sarah sent him a quick glance. 'Thanks, but you shouldn't think that I have all the answers. It might appear that way to you, but it can be difficult, trying to think quickly, trying to think on your feet.'

He nodded. 'I said that to Mark, and he said that sometimes we need to stop and take a moment to think before we act. He said that quick thinking isn't always good, and that sometimes a more measured response is called for.'

Sarah felt a warm glow pass through her. Had he really said that? 'He's probably right. As for Paediatrics, I've decided that I'd really prefer to stay in A and E. If there's a place for me here, that's where I would like to be.'

Jonathan looked pleased. 'I'm really glad to hear that. It means that I'll probably be working alongside you for a while yet. I hope that's all right with you?'

'That's fine by me.' She sent him an answering smile, and then they both concentrated on work as the ambulance pulled in alongside them.

It was late in the afternoon by the time she managed to go along to see Hannah. She went into her sister's room cautiously, unsure of her reception and worried in case the physiotherapy hadn't been going well.

Hannah was standing, supported by a metal frame to the side of her, and she looked up as Sarah came into the room. 'Look, Sarah,' she said. 'I can take a few steps. Isn't that great?'

'That's wonderful,' Sarah said. 'I'm so happy for you. That is real progress.'

The nurse who had been helping Hannah said, 'I think you should rest now, Hannah. You've done enough for today.' She helped her to sit down in a chair at the side of the bed, and Sarah went to sit alongside her.

'It's good to see you looking so well, Hannah,' she said as the nurse left the room.

'I feel so much better,' Hannah said. She touched Sarah's arm. 'I was awful to you, the other day, wasn't I? For the last few days, in fact. I should never have said those things to you. I don't know why I did—I think it's because I needed somebody to blame, and you were there. It was too easy to strike out at you. You've always been so good at everything you do, whereas I'm the one who's made a mess of my life.'

Hannah looked at Sarah anxiously. 'I suppose it was a chance to hit out, to make myself believe that even you could make a mistake. I know that you didn't. I knew in my heart that you had done everything you could to help Ryan. It was unfair of me, and I'm so sorry.'

Sarah hugged her sister. 'It's all right. I know that you didn't mean it.'

She looked at Hannah and said slowly, 'You know, it isn't true that I never make a mistake. It might seem that way to you, but the truth is I struggle with everything. Over the last few weeks I've come to realise that I've spent my life trying to live up to people's expectations of me. Dad's always assumed that I'll never put a foot wrong, and it's been really difficult to live up to that. I've always felt guilty. I've never been truly confident, and I didn't know how to tell him that until recently.'

Hannah shook her head. 'I didn't realise what you were going through,' she said softly. 'I've often thought that I messed things up and I felt unsure of myself, and I wished that Mum was alive so that I could tell her all my troubles. Perhaps if you had been able to confide in her, you would have felt stronger.'

'I think you're right. I spoke to Dad about it last night, and he thinks we should all talk more about our troubles, and bring things out into the open. You've been struggling because of your worries about Ryan, before the accident and since, but perhaps between us we can work something out.'